okay remember how I said I wanted more Murati flashbacks, my heart might not be able to take it. In 8.11 you get to see ten year old Sonya and I'm like BAWWWWWWWW LOOK HOW CUTE SHE IS, LOOK HOW EXCITED SHE IS AT GETTIN GENDER AFFIRMED Zasha is such a cool older sister, she lectures about the meaning of combat and supports her kid sister transitioning... but like look at this adorable lil autist, "It's like crazy how good I am" yes it is you little fucking lovable dork, you ARE the hero!!! and she has a stuffed cuttlefish lol. I wonder what thats about =)

Also the mech fights in this chapter? 11/10 no notes, Sieglinde getting battered by Khajida with two chainswords while receiving a vicious roasting had me like FUCKING GET ER KHAJIDA, SHOW THAT BITCH WHAT A UNION PILOT WITH SOMETHING TO FIGHT FOR CAN DO!!! Similarly, Sonya diving out of the way of the Option drone, baiting it to shoot the Jagdkaiser because Selene is a fucking idiot? When Sonya says I'm not a lab rat! I'm Sonya Shalikova! You think this is fun? Are you enjoying yourself?, uncritical support to Sonya in her pitched battle to murder Selene. There is an interesting footnote tho:

"She generated no ambient emotions for Selene to pick up. She was invisible to psionic senses."

I thought Sonya just had really strong latent powers that stopped Maryan from reading her, but... is the implication here that Sonya is invisible to psionic vision cause shes just that fuckin autistic that her emotions are unreadable?

Shalikova felt like crying - she was crying - there was so much pouring out of her. She knew it was irrational, but she was so affected by the emotions she felt from Selene.

It definitely feels subtextually like psionic autism. Lol.

In other news, and since it so rudely interrupted the climax of battle, (a classic shonen battle trope) oh god for fuck's sake, I didn't realise we'd be getting flashback scenes of sad egg vibes in this, oh it puts me in mind of James H in Nevada holy shit. Going home to his shitty apartment in Star City to try on a dress and smoke weed and be depressed, as Marina does. I am so fucking dismayed that the word transvestism survived from the surface world, oh fuckin man Republic delenda est...

I do find it kind of funny that Marina has to shoulder all the internalised transphobia in this plot, because everyone else is too cool and rad.

He's also expressed his fears. Which are the same fears I have. Societal backlash, family issues, friends, employment. We live in a safe neighborhood in a safe city, but we are surrounded by an ocean of reactionaries. But I legitimately feel like we can overcome anything together.

In other semi-related news, my therapist diagnosed me with OCD on Tuesday. Which isn't surprising really. I have some powerful compulsions that are driven by an extreme fear of rejection. I'm pretty sure most of my internalized transphobia comes from those same fears of rejection. I know for a fact that my complete inability to talk about this stuff with my partner is driven by those fears.

All in all it's been an interesting week.