this post was submitted on 15 Jul 2025
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submitted 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) by billbasher@lemmy.world to c/transgender@piefed.blahaj.zone
 

Hi I hope this is the right place to post this. How do I address someone who has transitioned but acted before? For example Ellen Page acted in quite a few films before transitioning. He, Elliot, still acts. Do I address the time spent identifying as a woman and say this is a slice of existence and identify as such?

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[–] dandelion@piefed.blahaj.zone 8 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

Generally you use the current name and pronouns as though they had always had them.

So Elliot Page is who acted in Juno, he was pregnant in that film, etc.

This is just the safe and polite route when you don't know the trans person's preference. If you refer to their deadname and use their old pronouns, it could be misconstrued as indicating you don't respect or acknowledge their current gender identity, so this just avoids that situation entirely.

[–] billbasher@lemmy.world 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Right on. I will do that from now on

Are there any pronouns I can use that are general and respect everyone in the case I don’t know someone’s gender/pronouns?

[–] dandelion@piefed.blahaj.zone 6 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

Well, in terms of pronouns, if you really aren't sure you can always just avoid pronouns entirely. For example:

Elliot page is who acted in Juno. Elliot was pregnant in that film.

You can just use the name instead of their pronoun. It can be a little awkward, but if you are really concerned about not getting the wrong pronouns, that's the best option.

Normally I would just suggest using singular "they", but this can be problematic for some trans people who do not appreciate having "they" pronouns applied to them, especially when "they" is used when gender is perceived as ambiguous.

Imagine a binary trans woman who lives as a woman and wishes to be seen and referred to as a woman. If someone suddenly referred to her with "they", it might feel stigmatizing because it highlights how her gender appearance is ambiguous or not feminine enough to easily be referred to as "she".

So using a name instead can be a way to avoid this until you know for sure what their pronouns are (which you can do by checking in with them and asking, hopefully privately in a polite and affirming way that doesn't draw too much attention to their transness).

The problem is that trans people are so different from one another, so what is upsetting to one is affirming for another. There are non-binary trans folks who love having a gender that cannot be pinned down and who might find it extremely affirming to be referred to as "they" in the way I mentioned above can be upsetting to a binary trans person who is trying to pass as one gender or another.

Either way, my advice is to not get too concerned about playing the pronoun game perfectly, instead just center yourself in fundamentals: have the intention of respecting someone's self-identity, and learn to think about a person in terms of their identity to make that easier. If you are doing this, and it's clear you are doing this, a trans person generally won't mind a slip-up (they are probably used to honest mistakes and are only worried about people who are indicating they don't respect their identity, so just catching your own mistakes and correcting them quickly is more than sufficient usually).

Lastly, I did want to say one more thing about your question regarding Elliot Page: one reason to use the current name and pronouns when referring to a time before they transitioned is that it's not uncommon for a trans person to feel their identity did extend into the past, in the sense that they probably wanted to transition earlier and have always been that way.

I am a trans person who certainly felt this way, I distinctly remember being 5 years old and thinking there was a cosmic error and that I was meant to be born a girl. There is a feeling that I was sort of like a girl on the inside even before I transitioned, and referring to myself before as a woman or girl doesn't feel entirely wrong (it even feels like it honors a part of me that was not recognized or taken care of). But there are other times when I feel like my deadname or pronouns feel applicable, when describing a particular way I was before I transitioned. I did live as a boy and a man, at least socially - though always in an alienated and outsider fashion.

So it's complicated and probably very specific to each trans person how they think about themselves over time, but in general it's probably safe to refer to them using the name and pronouns they have now.

[–] billbasher@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago

Thank you so much for sharing. Well that probably settles the history part of my question. It’s personal. Err on the side of ‘not my business’

Glad to have your input :)

[–] Bryllyg@piefed.blahaj.zone 1 points 4 days ago (1 children)

For starters, you call them the name they want to be called from the start and don't put it in parentheses.

[–] billbasher@lemmy.world 1 points 4 days ago

edited, thanks!