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The original was posted on /r/ukraine by /u/EgoEngineering on 2025-08-04 04:12:51+00:00.
I volunteered for the Ukrainian army in the first days of Russia’s full-scale invasion. I left behind a well-paying software job, my fiancée, and a sick family member to defend our freedom, fully aware that I might not come back.
I’ve seen the ugly side of this war. I was there when Russian convoys stretched more than 40 kilometers outside Kyiv. I later served in some of the hottest combat zones: sometimes as a tech specialist, other times as just another grunt on the ground. I’ve nearly been killed multiple times and, like many front-line soldiers, have suffered several blast-related minor traumatic brain injuries.
I once pulled a wounded comrade to safety under tank fire. Other times, I watched helplessly as people died. I still have all my limbs, which makes me luckier than many, but the TBIs left me with lingering issues: I sometimes confuse similar-sounding words, and my eyesight has begun to deteriorate.
Most of my earnings have gone into military gear—battered SUVs, personal equipment, and tools for my unit. Meanwhile, I’ve lost 98% of my freelance clients. I can’t promise delivery dates while serving in an active warzone, and my mental health is in no shape to sustain a career. I’ll have to start from scratch someday. If I get the chance.
I might be able to keep pushing through, but my family cannot. My wife had to flee the country after Russia intensified its strikes on civilian infrastructure. She could manage the missile attacks alone, but not with a newborn in her arms, especially one suffering from kidney problems. The explosions that leveled nearby apartment buildings left us no choice: she had to seek shelter with her parents abroad.
Over a year ago, I transferred to what was promised to be a high-tech unit, hoping to be closer to my pregnant wife. Instead, I found myself under a commander steeped in outdated Soviet military doctrine. He has no understanding of the systems we’re supposed to operate and surrounds himself with like-minded officers who view engineers as expendable. The stress has stripped me of what little capacity I had left to code.
My military salary barely covers my own needs and my sick family member utilities. Meanwhile, my wife and her family shoulder the cost of medical care for my son abroad. I can’t support them. I’ve become, in practical terms, a dysfunctional father.
What makes this harder to bear is knowing that Ukraine has hundreds of thousands of former military and law enforcement officers who retired in their 40s after just 25 years of service and most of them don't serve now. That’s perfectly legal here. You might think of Kyiv as a war zone—but there is nightlife, luxury cars without mufflers, and the children of the elite living carefree lives. The middle class buys new cars, builds careers, and benefits from international support. Meanwhile, those of us who answered the call first - those who stood when Ukraine was on the edge are being ground down with no end in sight.
We stepped up to defend freedom. Now, ironically, we’re denied the freedom that we swore to protect. It's not that there aren’t others to replace us. There are. But we are being sacrificed for political benefits.
Combat fatigue and depression have overtaken me. I struggle to focus, to function. My mind, once sharp and capable of solving complex engineering problems, now barely holds a thought. Sleep escapes me most nights. What keeps me going is the image of my son—somewhere out there—and a fading hope that I might see my family again.
It is time that the like of me demand the justice that we defended. Defending our homeland is a constitutional duty that is same for everyone. Replace us now. We earned it.
