I am not the OOP, the OOP is theotherwoman

This is a repost community

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Original Post:

Mar 4, 2025

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Please help me, Lemmy.

I was staying at a friend’s for a month waiting for an affordable room to be available, only to move in and after a week see a bedbug.

It’s a single room, for poor people, with a shared kitchen.

I am poor, work remotely, and my financial situation is bad. I thought this could improve things.

I moved in a week ago, but didn’t move all my stuff in because it’s in boxes in my friend’s garage right now.

I have moved in with 2 outfits, 2 jackets, a work computer, some computer accessories, and have purchased 1 matress and pillow and bed sheet set at target.

The manager of the property beforehand said there haven’t been bed bugs for years, but one of the door has like a block over the bottom with powder in the doorway past the block to kill bugs as like a sort of trap. The manager said prior to my moving in this is just fear from 3 years ago. The units are very affordable and I had to be on a waitlist to get a unit.

I am not sure what to do. The place is mostly quiet and I could work here. I don’t love the area because although it’s low income rent, it’s in a high cost area with many food places nearby charging very high tourist amounts, like any burrito or sandwich is $13 at least. Rent is very low, however.

I could leave now before moving other stuff in, put my stuff in bags except for my work computer when getting back to my friends, and look for a different slightly more expensive place. I can’t stay with my friend long-term because her apartment is next to a distribution center with trucks pulling in and out all night and I wake up easily due to PTSD and always being on alert, even when sleeping. She sleeps through anything. I also don’t like ear-plugs and can’t sleep with them in. When I was staying there I was chronically tired.

Suggestions from Lemmy? How bad are bed bugs? It was only 1 but I squished it. Pest control coincidentally came that day and identified it is a bed bug.

Also, I have not paid rent for this month and it’s due by tomorrow. I could actually leave immediately, today even, and just not pay the rent. My credit is bad already and the money would be useful if it’s a mistake to stay. It’s sleazy to leave wirhout paying for this month, but I am poor and may not have the luxury of paying for a place that could result in a chronic bed bug infestation. I would also lose my deposit.

I also don’t know where it came from. I can’t be totally sure it didn’t come from my friend’s place although I stayed there 5 weeks and saw nothing bad. I also had purchased a new outfit from a store with vintage recycled clothes, like an upscale GoodWill store, but that was 2 weeks ago and there were no bites. It may not be from the new place, but I don’t think I was bitten before the move in. Strangely, I don’t even know if the bedbug I squished bit me. The pest control person said the city has many infestations and could have come from public transportation.

My friend lives 6 hours away by bus and I don’t know as many people there. It’s also a cheaper area and I could move there. I could actually just get a ticket and leave today if everything else is irrational.

I am very tired and don’t know what to think. The time at my friends impacted my mental health and I’m not sure I am seeing it rationally.

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Comments

**ilmagico:**The problem is, if there’s bed bugs and you go somewhere else, it’s very likely they’ll attach to your belonging and hitch a hike to your new place… Best would be have the landlord take care of the issue, it is their responsibility after all.

If the landlord doesn’t cooperate, maybe you can tell them you’ll call pest control yourself and deduct the amount from the rent you owe… no idea how well that would go legally speaking, but maybe it’ll allow you some negotiating leverage. (obligatory IANAL)

OOP: If I stay, I won’t withhold rent. I am only withholding rent if I am leaving, and then I can say I left because it’s not habitable. These places are cheap and the legal costs of filing suit against me would not be worth recovery. They would keep my deposit and then I’d move on. It may be the rational thing to do, to just leave immediately.

grasshopper_mouse: Bed bugs are BAD. Where was the bug when you found it? Was it on you, the floor, your stuff? Was it alive or dead? Could you stay there a few more days without bringing the rest of your stuff from your friend’s place and see if more bugs appear?

Bed bugs spread quickly and can travel on you or your clothes and infest other locations. That being said, it may have just been one. Then again, if it came from the apartment next door, more will likely infiltrate your place. If they are coming from next door, it won’t be enough to spray just your apartment, the entire building will need it.

Sorry for the difficult situation you’re in, this is a tough call.

OOP: the bed bug was on my air mattress, on top of a target fitted sheet, below a larger target sheet used as a blanket. I saw it and squished it and blood came out. I don’t remember if it moved but seemed alive.

I could stay a few more days to see how it goes without bring more stuff in. But I would then need to pay this month’s rent or incur late fees and violate lease terms.

My stuff is all in a closet on shelves. The air mattress is on the ground. It could have come from another apartment. It may be that other residents know, but don’t want fumigation, hence the strange bug traps in front of a door and the white anti-bed-bug stuff sprinkled in front of another door. It could be the bugs come from the street, I slept with a windows open.

My room is almost empty so far.

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Update:

Mar 10, 2025

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fuck you spez

Now that that’s out of the way, here’s an exclusive Lemmy update on my horrible life with more questions.

After the last post, upon the advice of Lemmy, I put everything in trash bags, showered, and left with new clothes in shopping bags.

I changed into the new clothes in a Starbucks, at which the employees suspected I was an intravenous drug user and asked me if I was okay through the door, likely with Narcan in hand.

I told them I was fine, just washing my hands (which made no sense because I had been loudly placing things into garbage bags and opening sealed clothing packets in an echoey room without any water running). Then I continued to put more things in garbage bags, concealed slyly in large branded bags from Target.

Yes, they all thought I was a homeless junky, but it was actually much worse, and after over 10 minutes I emerged in a new sexy outfit, terrified that the police were being called, then grabbed my Frappachino and ran out.

I managed to get to the bus just in time.

All the bags were frozen for days and the contents washed. Everything was salvageable except my alarm clock radio which only plays static now and blinks strangely. It did not like being frozen and washed.

Since then, I have noticed 1 additional bite. I do not know if it was there before. I am terrified. Multiple days have passed since then, but it doesn’t prove I am safe since bed bugs can go days without feeding. If it turns out I still have them and may have spread them, I will deal with that guilt and agony when I know for sure.

I back with my friend but am now rethinking my approach, contemplating that I should have stayed at the bed bug place.

I did not end the tenancy when I left but did keep the cashier’s check that was the rent. I am still unsure of what to do.

I have a family member who is slowly dying in that area, I work remotely and expect I could lose my job any month, they’ve already gutted 90 percent of the department and I would expect other jobs will be next. I have survived many rounds of layoffs however. This family member lives in a small place and is somewhat crazy. I may not be able to see them if I am not in the area.

My credit has also taken a nosedive, so it will be very hard for me to rent something new. I’m considering going back and suffering instead of looking for something cheap here. I could probably get someone to cosign if I did look for a new place. I know no one in this area except my one friend who is not very social.

My head is completely messed up, even more than it was before. In the last post, people responded about the psychological devastation bed bugs cause. I am already there: 2 days of bed bugs and suddenly fleeing and I am on pins and needles, my normally mildly crazy brain gone extra bonkers with what ifs, fear, and suffering.

I am considering going back. The landlord won’t tell me how many treatments have been done in the past year. This seems concerning. I don’t know what to do. They did however do treatments to the room immediately after bed bugs were found, they said. I didn’t feel like they didn’t take it seriously, but am not entirely sure the building isn’t crawling with them all over in other rooms.

What would you do if you were me? Please, tell me Lemmy.

(in conclusion fuck spez)

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Comments

Was_it_something_I_said: Bed bugs will only die from heat, not cold. You can put things in an industrial dryer at a Laundromat in high heat and it will kill them. That or not feeding them for over a year.

ch00f: Yeah, I think the cutoff is 122F which isn’t insanely high.

Mark Rober on the topic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JAOTJxYqh8

KingJalopy: There’s are a few reasonable responses in this thread but I’m a post control professional. If you want to feel free to message me and I’d be glad to tell you what you can do that will actually get rid of them. Diatomaceous Earth isn’t gonna cut it and cold will do nothing. You need heat and chemicals. They have likely laid eggs in the Tufts, or piping of the mattress. Pesticides won’t penetrate eggs so there is no one time treatment that will cure this. Even if you kill what’s alive you need to kill what hatches after before they lay more eggs. Insect growth regulators will also help. It will take time, patience, and professional grade products. If you can get your hands on crossfire or temprid those work best for bed bugs.

OOP: Would you recommend I return or is that too risky?

Keep in mind there are many, many small rooms there, over 50 likely.

KingJalopy: Oh if there’s that many rooms I would say it’s just gonna be a recurring issue unless they have hired a pest company to deal with this. I have a hotel account that I treat regularly. They have a legal obligation to do so if a customer complains but this is California. When we do find actual evidence of bed bugs we treat every room within 3 doors of that room even if it’s only the one room. They are prolific breeders and unless it’s being professionally addressed I wouldn’t risk it if you can avoid it.

I treat the entire hotel once a month and I still go there at least twice a month to address bed bugs when customers complain. Granted, at a hotel people are constantly coming and going and bringing them with them so it’s a constant battle.

Personally, I would find somewhere else unless the owner is proactively taking care of it. If not, you’ll be going through this more than once I can almost guarantee it.

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Update in the Comments

Mar 13, 2025

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I am considering going back more. The public health inspector I talked with said she last heard of a problem there in 2019, keep in mind this is an affordable housing place with 50+ units, and she said if there is pest control and they are doing treatments it doesn’t sound like a problem. Since many people there aren’t native English speakers, I unfortunately can’t easily ask many of the people who live there. Some of the other people seem a bit tough and I’m not sure how they would react to my approaching them.

I am really far away from most friends and family. I’m worried I may be making a mistake, especially if I were to suddenly get laid off. What if this is a treatable situation and I’m just overreacting?

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Comments

MUTILATIONWAVE: You were being bitten by them. That’s an active infestation. People don’t just go pouring diatomaceous earth in doorways six years after there were bedbugs. I think you will regret living there. Health inspectors don’t know anything. They have no resources to inspect apartments. They can maybe make it to every restaurant twice a year in my experience.

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OOPs last post was a year+ ago so we may never know what they decided to do. Marking this one as inconclusive

I am not the OOP

Do not message anyone mentioned in this post.

TIFU by not telling my doctor how many Tic-Tacs I eat per day + 2 year update

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/DumpsterPuff

Thank you Reddit user: Direct-Caterpullar77 for compiling this story

Originally posted to r/tifu

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Original Post 

Apr 24, 2024

So I'm absolutely fucking obsessed with the Fruit Adventure flavor of Tic-Tacs. The flavor combined with the soft smush they make between your teeth when you chew them makes my brain very happy. I've been buying them in bulk, where each container has 200 candies each, and they come in bulk packs of 12 containers. I tend to eat them by the handful while I'm working or gaming, so in a day I can easily slam through 1-2 containers.

Now keep in mind that on the nutrition label, it says the serving size is 1 candy, and is listed as having 0 calories, which I thought was awesome because I could have as many as I want!

Over the past year, I found that I gained about 40lbs, and nothing about my eating habits had changed as far as I was aware. I told my doctor about it and she was a bit worried, so she had me do a bunch of bloodwork to see if there was a reason why I gained so much weight in a short period of time. Everything came back normal. She referred me to see a weight loss doctor who would also have me see a dietician.

I had been working with the dietician for a few months now, and we have me keep a food log. I had a virtual visit with her today and during it, I was fiddling around with an empty container to keep my hands busy. She saw it and asked where I got such a large container from, so I told her about it and how I eat 1-2 of those per day. She asked why those weren't on my food tracker and I said it was because they're 0 calories so they wouldn't count.

Apparently I was very, very wrong about this. She explained to me that food companies can label something as being "0 calories" if the food's serving size contains 5 or less calories. In reality, each individual Tic-Tac actully has about 2 calories. So essentially, since each container has 200 pieces and I typically have 1-2 of those, I've been eating 400-800+ calories per day of Tic-Tacs, in addition to all the other food I've been eating - which is very likely why I've gained so much weight.

TL;DR: Didn't realize that tic-tacs weren't actually 0 calories and gained a ton of weight because I eat so many a day.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Not3kidsinasuit: I just finished a diploma in a medical field, we were warned about people like you OP. I wish I was joking.

AngstyToddler: Reminds me of when I went to a friend's house and watched him take the pump off a bottle of spray butter and just dump it into the mashed potatoes. I asked him why he didn't just use butter or margarine and he said it was because the spray butter was zero calories. I had to explain the whole concept of "per spray" and did the math to show it had almost the exact same calories as margarine. His wife had gained about 30 lbs since they'd married the year before, and it was apparently because most of his diet hacks meant she was actually eating more calories than ever.

ETA: Remembered another one. He was buying low calorie bread, but never compared the calories to regular bread. Just assumed it was much, much less. Instead of serving her 2 slices of regular bread each morning (190 calories) he was serving her 4 slices of lower calorie bread (240 calories - slathered with "zero calorie" butter spray, of course).

skoulker: Tic tacs are funny. LESS THAN ONE GRAM OF SUGAR PER SERVING!!!!!! But a serving is like one or two and they weigh so little it’s under a gram. (Less than a gram of pure sugar is still sugar)

[deleted] .49 grams per tic tac. Under .5 grams can be considered sugar free.

kafelta: Bro ate 40lbs of tictacs

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Edits

made to the original post

Edit 1: Just wanted to clarify that I'm aware that sugar will in fact make you gain weight (I'm not that stupid), but I never actually read the product ingredients. I assumed they must have been made with something like Xylitol or some other artificial sweetener to make them "0 calories" so it never crossed my mind to check!

Edit 2: Dang y'all are brutal lmao. But at least some good came out of it since apparently, like me, a lot of people didn't realize about the "less than 5 calories per serving" rule can legally be classified as 0 in the US. Personally I wish we could have the model they do in other countries where they list calories per X amount of grams.

Edit 3: MY TEETH ARE FINE 😂 I actually just had a dentist appointment two weeks ago. No cavities or decay, gums are healthy. Despite my candy habit I do take good care of my teeth!

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OOP Updated

Aug 15, 2026/Same Post (over 2 Years later)

Edit 4: It's 08/15/26 and I actually forgot about this post until the other day and I figured I'd share an update. So I did stop eating the tictacs, but did find out I have a legitimate health condition afterwards. After my gallbladder removal a few years ago, I kept having issues where I felt shaky, confused, lethargic, dizzy, irritable, and sweaty shortly after eating meals, especially in the middle of the day. All I knew was that if I grazed on tictacs throughout the day, my symptoms would go away. When I stopped eating the tictacs, my symptoms came back and my doctor had me wear a continuous blood glucose monitor, which was showing readings that kept hitting the low 60s/high 50s, indicating hypoglycemia.

It turns out I developed a condition as a result of the gallbladder removal called postprandial hypoglycemia, meaning you get rapidly dropping blood sugar shortly after eating meals. They don't exactly know why the gallbladder removal causes it, but it explains why the tictacs made me feel better because it prevented those huge drops. After we figured this out, doctor put me on Zepbound in hopes that it will stop those blood sugar crashes. Thankfully it worked and I no longer need to eat candy to feel normal again! And I've been losing some of that weight I gained too. But yeah, it was a wild ride.

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Reddit BoRU Comments of Note

Cassandracork: … did I just learn what is causing me to feel exhausted after meals from a BORU? (Had gallbladder removed last year, had issue ever since.)

TheNightTerror1987: Okay, that bit about gallbladder removal causing postprandial hypoglycemia for OOP is a bit alarming considering that he described how I feel when I eat pit foods, as I call them, (food that makes me hungry if I eat it) eating chocolate helped when I felt like that, and I've had my gallbladder out too . . .

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THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS

I am NOT OOP

Originally posted to: Ask A Manager

Trigger Warning

hostile workplace, possible sexism

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Original Post:

October 16, 2023

The backstory: I went back to university in my late 20s to do my PhD, and shared an office with a few other students for many years. One of the students, Jacob, completed his thesis and was moving back to his home country, so we all went out for congratulatory/farewell drinks. One thing led to another and Jacob and I spent the night together. A few weeks later, I realized I was pregnant and I had no way to contact Jacob. His university email and mobile number had been deactivated since he’d left the university and the country. I didn’t need anything from him and was fine to raise the child alone, but I thought he had a right to know. I googled him a few times over the years but never found him.

This last week, our department head emailed everyone to introduce and welcome our new manager, Jacob, with a photo and a blurb about his education and work history so I know for sure it’s him. The night we spent together changed my life because it made me a parent, so I have thought about Jacob from time to time when my daughter asks about her dad or I notice a genetic trait she didn’t get from me. However, I doubt Jacob has given that night a second thought. I have no idea whether he will have any concerns about being my manager given our history, or whether I’m making a bigger deal of this than I should. For what it’s worth, in my years of sharing an office with Jacob, he seemed easy-going and practical.

In our company, it is common for everyone in the department to reply-all to these introduction emails and introduce themselves, welcome the newcomer aboard and explain how their role will interact with theirs. I’m not sure if my email should note that Jacob and I studied together years ago as a way to get that out in the open? Or should I email him individually and offer to have a discussion about keeping our history out of the workplace if he thinks it’s needed? I’d appreciate any suggestions for language that indicates I’m not concerned and will be completely professional.

And then, in direct contradiction to that, I’d also appreciate a script for a separate email saying “can we please meet outside of work because I need to tell you something important about our history” so I can tell him about his daughter. If you or any commenters think I shouldn’t tell him, or I should let him settle in to his new country and new job first, I would definitely take that on board.

For Alison's response to OOP, please refer to the link here

Additional Information from OOP after Alison pinned her comment onto the post:

Thanks for your comment at the top, Alison. The extent to which I tried to find Jacob wasn’t relevant to my question so I didn’t include the efforts I went to. For the commenters who are curious (understandably), I really did try when I first found out I was pregnant. I asked the other people we shared an office with, but no one had any information. We were students who shared an office and sometimes went to the uni bar together, we never spent any time together outside of uni. I asked Jacob’s thesis supervisor, but it was Christmas/Australian summer here so he was on leave for two months. When he got back, he gave me the address on Jacob’s file, which was of course the Australian address he didn’t live at anymore. The uni had a “next of kin” Australian contact number on file for his aunt, but no one ever answered it when I rang. Jacob is Chinese with a very common surname, and “Jacob” is just the name he used in my country, I don’t know his actual given name. So attempts to find the correct “Mr Wong”, in a country where they don’t use Google or Facebook, went nowhere. I searched for recent publications about Jacob’s thesis topic and found a paper with “Jacob Wong” as one of the authors. I contacted the “corresponding author” and asked for Jacob’s email but they never responded. By this point, I had to give up because I was so sick with hyperemesis gravidarum and needed to focus on my baby’s health.

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Update #1:

June 11, 2024 (About 8 months later)

Thank you for answering my letter. You were right, it was a really big deal. I was viewing the Jacob-as-my-manager problem from his perspective — until I told him otherwise, it was just a simple one night stand over a decade ago — and it didn’t seem like a huge problem. I hated and appreciated the reality check. I regret reading the comments, but thank you also for moderating them as quickly as you did.

A lot happened in a short space of time (thankfully I already had a therapist!). First, I spoke to my union rep who said, “Say NOTHING but call us if HR tries to set up a meeting with you.” Staying silent and having Jacob independently declare the prior relationship when he arrived would have been problematic because I’d still end up in the same position and I would have lied by omission. Our HR team can be gossipy and they know the age of my half-Chinese daughter, so I needed to have as much control as possible over the disclosure. I spoke to an employment lawyer who reviewed our policies and, at his suggestion, I wrote an email to HR declaring a prior relationship with Jacob.

And then I was immediately pushed out. Even if you have all the legal support in the world, you can’t prevent someone from doing something illegal, you just have recourse afterwards. In a meeting with my lawyer, the union rep, HR, and a member of the senior management team, I was asked to resign. When I said no, they insisted on a statutory declaration about the relationship with Jacob stating what happened, when it happened, how many times it happened (??) and who initiated it (??). I also said no to that. We ended the meeting with each side agreeing to think about possible solutions.

The company’s solution was to start messing with my pay, my benefits, my swipe card access to my office, my computer log in, and my email/calendar account. They spread rumors about me and I heard coworkers whispering that I’d had an affair with a manager. They sent me for a “random” drug test at a time when I was scheduled for an important meeting with clients. They cancelled accommodation that had been booked for upcoming travel, which I only found out about because I was getting paranoid and called the hotel.

I can’t describe how awful it feels to know that someone with this kind of power over your job is devoting their time and energy to thinking of ways to screw with you. Every day I was going into work wondering what was waiting for me and it was wearing me down fast. The advice from the union rep was to go back in time and follow their first piece of advice, or just keep documenting everything as we prepared to take legal action. The lawyer estimated that it would take at least a year to get any kind of resolution, and I didn’t even want the job anymore. By this point, I wasn’t sleeping much and I had cried a few times at work. I was beginning to crack and we were only just getting started.

So, I resigned. I wish I’d held up better under the pressure but it was all just too much with the looming deadline of Jacob’s start date at our office, and whatever way HR was going to drag him into this. I’m lucky that I can take my time looking for a new job, so I’ve had some space to process everything.

Outside of the work stuff, I spoke with a family lawyer who outlined all the possible ways this situation could go, and what the most likely outcomes were. Basically, my daughter is old enough that what she wants would get heavily weighted by a court if it came to that. I have spoken to my daughter many times about her father. I told her what I knew about him and that I had tried to contact him. I’ve offered for her to see a therapist if she ever wanted to talk about it with someone who wasn’t me, and she has always said “thanks, but no thanks.”

The family lawyer helped me write a letter which I left for Jacob. I told him about his daughter, said I wasn’t trying to get anything from him, and gave him the contact details of my lawyer. After a few weeks (of me freaking out that HR had somehow intercepted the letter), he emailed my lawyer. He was the easy-going and practical Jacob I remembered. He was still processing it but said he wasn’t going to take any legal steps, he offered us his family medical history, he apologized if I resigned because of him, and he said he would like to meet our daughter if she’s interested. She also has some siblings. I told her all this, she said she’s happy that she has her father’s contact info but she doesn’t want to meet him right now. She’s of the view that having him in our lives would cause unwanted disruption. And she doesn’t even know about the work clusterfudge.

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Update #2:

June 9, 2025 (about one year later from the last update)

I’m incredibly grateful for the support you and the AAM community gave me at a stressful time, so I thought I’d share a final update.

My daughter changed her mind and has been in contact with Jacob. It’s still a bit awkward between them but they have some hobbies in common, which they’ve bonded over. My daughter also seems very excited to have some siblings who adore their cool new big sister.

I know some people were wondering why my old company reacted the way they did. For reasons I can’t go into, my work gets scrutinised by outside authorities and my manager’s role is primarily a quality control one. Any suggestion that my manager had not checked my work impartially enough due to a personal relationship could have been career-ending for both of us.

Additionally, the work I do is in a very specialist field and there are only a handful of people in the country who do it. Another company in a similar field had initially approached Jacob, who has had an amazing career by the sounds of it, to start a new department at their company doing the same thing. My old company paid a buttload of money to lure him over so that he wouldn’t be in direct competition for clients (and employees).

All of this meant that I couldn’t report to Jacob, there was no other manager I could report to, and the company couldn’t risk him going back to their competitor. Between the two of us, Jacob was the better asset to keep and the worse threat to lose. I’m not excusing the behaviour of my old company, but there was a logic to it. I’m still angry about the way they treated me and how helpless I felt, but that is slowly fading over time.

I had trouble finding a new job. Financially, we were okay so I was being picky (e.g. wanting to stay in my current city). After almost a year out of work, Jacob told me he’d been approached by the first company who still wanted him to start their new department. He was happy at my old company but he offered to take the new role if I wanted to try to get my old job back. I would never ask him to do that, and I also never want to go anywhere near that company again, so I said no.

Jacob turned the other company down but gave them my name. It’s a step up from where I was but they interviewed me and I got the job! I’ve been here about 6 months and it’s enjoyable so far, plus I’ve never procreated with anyone in my chain of command so it seems like a good place to work.

I’ve hired one of my former coworkers, plus two recent graduates from my alma mater who are bright, motivated and quickly getting up to speed. Unlike my old company, we don’t have a lengthy waitlist for our services (yet!) so a few clients have started coming to us instead of them. I am delighted that I am becoming the very threat my old company was trying to avoid when they pushed me out.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Marked Concluded as we're unlikely to get additional updates on this story.

I am NOT OOP

Originally posted to: Ask A Manager

Trigger Warning

Harassment, Shitty boyfriend

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Original Post:

August 20, 2025

Am I in the wrong for not wanting to work on projects with my boyfriend/manager at work?

My boyfriend and I both work at the same place. He is the facilities manager and I am the facilities technician.

For the most part we work separately. But from time to time, something comes up where we have to work together, and whenever that happens my stomach starts flip flopping and turning the second I hear that we are going to be working together. I absolutely dread it.

Every time we have worked together in the past, he suddenly changes into almost a different person. He’s mean. He yells at me for everything I do and don’t do.

At first I thought it was me and that I just needed to back off and wait for his direction instead of just jumping in. I thought this because he would yell at me for being in his way and for not knowing how he was trying to do it (but he doesn’t communicate how he wants to do stuff, he just expects me to read his mind and know.) So I tried backing off and waiting for his direction. And doing that results in him yelling at me for standing there doing nothing and not knowing what he wants me to do (for not reading his mind.)

Since neither of those worked, I tried to initiate communication with him before we started and asked him to explain what he wants me to do so I can know going into it and won’t be in his way, slowing him down and am able to contribute what he expects me to. And I’ve told him I don’t want to get yelled at. Well, that doesn’t work either. He gets mad at me for asking questions and tells me I need to follow his directions and shut my mouth. But he doesn’t give me direction, yells at me when I try and get some direction, and yells at me if I try and wing it without asking for direction.

I’m frustrated. I just want to cry. He just informed me that next week we have to work together to replace the siding on one of the cabins on our site. My stomach is doing flip flops and I am stressing out. He saw in my face that I don’t want to work with him and told me that I’m going to have to figure it out.

But I’ve tried to figure it out! Nobody wants to be treated like shit by the person they are working with and if the person you are working with doesn’t communicate with you other than to yell at you, it’s very difficult to work efficiently with them.

I tried to explain that I can’t work with him if he’s going to yell at me the whole time, and he told me that I need to just shut my mouth and follow directions. I feel like he is being super disrespectful and I don’t understand why he acts like this when we work together. It literally doesn’t matter if I do exactly what he tells me to do (if he tells me what to do) or not, because either way he is going to yell at me and tell me how stupid I am. I’ve never been treated like this before by anyone I’ve worked with ever.

I feel like I’ve done and tried everything I can think of to make it work and not get yelled at, and I’m starting to think that maybe the problem isn’t just me. Maybe it’s him. Maybe he is actually being the one that is making it impossible for us to work together? But maybe I’m wrong? Maybe it is me? I don’t know? Am I wrong for not wanting to work with him? Am I wrong for starting to think that maybe he is the issue that we are having? What should I do?

Alison does not wish us to share her responses so you can find it here.

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Update:

August 4, 2026 - Almost a year later

I went into work that day, the day we were set to be working together all day, and I was surprised to find that he had listened to all the little things that I thought had gone unnoticed and unheard the couple of days prior to project day. I had kept telling him that I really want us to be able to get along and work productively and easily together and would mention the things that I needed from him in order to avoid him getting frustrated. For example, one of the things I told him I needed was for him to explain to me exactly what he wanted me to do, like what my role/job was that day so I wasn’t getting in his way or not doing my part correctly, and so he wasn’t sitting there frustrated waiting for me to help him with something while I was wrapped up in doing something else that he didn’t need help with right at that moment … because our biggest issue, in my opinion, has always been his lack of communicating and instead just expecting me to read his mind and know what he wants or needs me to do.

At the time I was telling him those things, it seemed as though he wasn’t listening to what I was saying. So I was feeling hopeless and anxiety-ridden and I was stressed out about it and thought that it was going to be like every other time that we have tried to work together.

I went into work that morning dreading what was to come. But to my surprise, he was acting differently than he usually does when we have to work together. First thing when I got there, he told me that he wanted to take me over to the cabin that we were going to be working on so he could show me what we were going to be doing. So we drove over there and he showed me how he had set everything up and what lumber pile was what, and explained the process of how he wanted us to get it done and showed me how he wanted me to do it.

Because he took the time to explain everything to me in depth, I knew what my role was and what I needed to do and we worked great together! He didn’t get frustrated, I wasn’t walking on eggshells, everything just flowed, and we had a very productive day where we got along well and were able to finish everything so that he could paint that cabin and be done with it.

And since that day, we have had fewer issues when we have had to work together. There are still times where he doesn’t communicate with me and gets frustrated, but it’s happening less and less. He obviously had been listening to the things I had been telling him I needed. Maybe my sharing with him that I was stressed and anxious about having to work with him helped him to be open to trying what I was asking of him? I’m not really sure what caused him to approach things differently that day, but I’m really glad that we did that project together. It seemed to bring about a much needed shift in the way we work together.

We recently had a big project where we had three more cabins added to the 40 we have on the property. The higher-ups thought it would be a great opportunity to re-number all the cabins and move all the cabin names around so that they would be in alphabetical order from the entrance to the exit, because apparently that is how all our other outposts are set up. Well, that moving of the names around was a total nightmare! Not only did it cause mass confusion among all of our employees when trying to locate the cabins they are assigned to or need to deliver stuff to, but it was a nightmare of a project. We didn’t just have to move the signs for the cabins around, we had to also move their wifi equipment and their door locks because our tech guy said it was too much for him to rename all the wifi equipment and locks.

So the guy in charge of the project flew out to help my boyfriend and me for the two days they gave us to do the work. Well, after the first few cabins they did together, my boyfriend was so frustrated! Go figure … they weren’t working well together … it wasn’t just me. You could tell the other guy was feeling just totally down and was worried that the project wouldn’t get done on time.

Towards the end of the day, they still hadn’t gotten all the cabins done that they needed to that day to stay on schedule and so the guy who flew out to help asked if I could go around with him and help him get some more done since I don’t leave work until two hours after my boyfriend does. We worked together just fine. The next day he decided that he was going to send my boyfriend around on his own and he and I would work together. We were able to get it all done and neither of us had to deal with my difficult-to-work-with boyfriend. I felt so bad for this other person because of what happened the first day and I knew how he felt. And I’m glad that I was able to step in and help so he didn’t have to deal with all that again the next day.

So my boyfriend has been working on the way he goes about working with me, but he obviously isn’t putting that same effort into trying to work with anyone else better. Which sucks. But it’s a start, I guess.

He does treat me differently at work vs. at home and isn’t like that towards me outside of work. It’s like this weird work persona he puts on and attitude he has at work. I don’t understand it or why he does it. He’s used to working construction type jobs where the guys all talk smack to each other … maybe that is part of it? But I’m not some dude that he works with. And when I got my position, he was aware that he was going to have to teach me stuff, .that I didn’t know how to do everything that the job required of me. So I’m not sure why he just expected me to know.

Thank you for verifying to me that it wasn’t just a me thing. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t me but I’ve gone through some abuse and stuff in my past that probably contributes to my questioning myself. I’ve had counseling and even volunteered at a domestic violence agency for a while (which was so unexpectedly healing!) but I’m still working on learning and growing from that whole experience.

I was not at all expecting him to handle us working together the way that he did that day. But I believe that by him trying it differently, he was able to see things could flow and go well. And I think that has inspired him to work on taking that approach and allowed him to see the value in taking a little time to communicate and explain it all to me first when we have to work together. We have had our ups and downs and sometimes he doesn’t communicate, but those instances are happening less and less as time goes on.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs

THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT OOP

Marked Concluded just because we're unlikely to get any additional updates.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

** I am NOT OP.** Original post by u/Majestic_Channel_815 in r/whatdoIdo and compilation Reddit post by u/PinkPussycatPower

Trigger Warning

Sexual predation, invasion of privacy, voyeurism, stalking, sexual harassment

Mood Warning

Deeply unsettling, infuriating, ultimately vindicating

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Original Post:

August 12, 2026

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me (19)

I feel like I’m losing my mind so sorry if this is all over the place. My mom got married to this guy around a year ago, but they’ve been together for around two. He wasn’t weird till he moved in, or maybe I just didn’t notice it. It’s been little things but it’s just progressively gotten worse and I don’t know what do to. I’ll give some examples. One time I went shopping at Victoria Secret and I put the bags in my room. I left again immediately after because I went to hang out with a friend. When I came back, he asked me why I would buy such expensive underwear when I could just “get a pack at Walmart or something”.

I figured maybe he saw the bags when I got home? Then said “I mean blue? Really?” (The colour of the underwear i bought) I was immediately disgusted and embarrassed. Not only does that mean he went through my stuff, he also went in my room for no reason. Is that a regular occurrence and he just so happened to see the bags that time? I feel like if you see a victoria secret bag you already know what’s in it, so why would he have to go through it?? I told my mom and she said he’s just being overprotective… Another example is that I have a boyfriend and I do go see him often.

Every time I leave the house he’ll say “off to see that little boyfriend of yours again??” He never says his name even though I know he knows it. Or “don’t get pregnant or I’ll kick you out.” He always says he’s joking after but is that not an odd thing to say?? There’s a couple more examples but I don’t want to make this post too long. Anyway, what made me make this post is something that happened recently that makes me very uncomfortable and grossed out. Him and my mom went out on a date night so I asked my mom if I could invite my boyfriend over. She has never said no before, and this time is no different. He overheard and said “We both know why you want him over” in an angry tone.

My mom brushed him off and said yes, so they left. My boyfriend came over and we were in my room. We were watching tv but at the end of the day he is my boyfriend, so we started kissing. He crawled on top of me and that’s when my stepdad barged in without knocking and started yelling at us. We didn’t hear them come home. I’ll admit, it did look bad, but why does he care so much about my sex life? My mom knows and is fine with it as long as I’m safe. He said stuff like I can’t have sex in “his house” (it’s my mom’s) and just saying controlling things. My mom calmed him down but for the rest of the night he kept opening my door trying to “catch us” in the act, so my boyfriend just went home.

I feel like I’m entitled to my own space because I do partially pay for rent, but even if I didn’t, is his behaviour still not weird? The easiest solution is to move out but that’s just not possible right now. I only work part time because of school. I just feel stuck. I could try talking to my mom again but with more details, but I’m scared of her reaction. I don’t want to feel like I’m making a big deal of things again. Literally any advice would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.

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TOP COMMENTS

CrashBangXD: None of those comments are ok. Ask your mum to spend time together one on one so that you’ve got an open and safe environment. Document instances of this, as in dates, times and instances to give you a proven breakdown of evidence of his behaviour

Apart_Foundation1702: Oh he is definitely a red flag! OP, He clearly doesn't agree with your mum's parenting, he does come off creepy. Is there another family member you can stay with, under the same arrangement as your mum?? Or maybe look for a room to rent.

OOP: I do have other family but they live too far away. I’ve been looking for places but have been unsuccessful so far

Educational_Ask_1790: I highly HIGHLY recommend buying an indoor ring camera or any sort of indoor surveillance camera to stick somewhere in your room. This guy is a creep and hes a weirdo. Hes more than likely going into your room or maybe he even has a camera of his own in there.

Frozencacticat: He 100% knows what he’s doing. This isn’t normal. You’re not crazy. You’re not being dramatic. You’re not wrong to feel like something is wrong. Your mother needs to step up and pay attention! I’d try to get some time alone with your mother and just be honest. Just start out with the fact that you don’t even want to talk about this and that it makes you very uncomfortable and stressed, and then tell her exactly what’s been going on. All of it. Tell her you don’t feel safe. Tell her you’re afraid of how he will react.

In the meantime, I’d find a way to lock your bedroom door. I don’t know if you can change the knob without them knowing and freaking out but maybe you can get something online to wedge it locked or push something in front of the door to make it hard to get in? Idk he just freaks me out. The underwear thing and the comments about your boyfriend are extremely inappropriate! If he cared about you in a normal fatherly way he would have told you gently to be careful and be safe and that you can always come to him if you need anything. He did not do that. He loudly told you to not get pregnant in a joking manner. That is not a joke and it is a weird thing to say to a young girl.

He also hasn’t been with your mother near long enough to have earned the “father” role. It’s tricky and it takes time. You can’t, as an adult man, barge into a girls life and expect her to immediately respect you as a father figure. You need to earn that, and it takes years. But that is beside the point, just a small part of the issue here Anyways, sorry this was a lot. It really upsets me to read this cause I remember being a 19 year old. Trying to figure out who I was, finishing school up and not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. Being essentially broke and completely reliant on my dad. It’s not easy. I’m 28 now and my God.. I don’t think I’d ever go back and do that all again. Life is hard enough for a teenager without a creepy man living in your home saying and doing weird creepy stuff.

To recap: you are NOT crazy. You didn’t sound like you were trying to make him sound better or worse. Your post was very matter of fact + how you felt. You are not dramatic or wrong. He is wrong. He knows it. Your mother likely has already noticed and is either making an excuse in her head or possibly also thinking “no way he isn’t like that”. So I think talking to her and being honest about it all is key right now. Try not to spend time alone with him. He seems unpredictable. I know it’s an “easier said than done” situation but just do your best. Think about a plan b and c. Like, if your mom isn’t receptive, who are you going to go to next? I know it’s stressful but just have it in your back pocket just in case. Maybe a teacher or your boyfriend’s parents might be able to help as well.

Anyways, talk to your mom asap. Keep him far away as much as you can. Don’t ever feel crazy or wrong. Trust your instincts, they are there to protect you. One thing I wish I learned years ago was to always trust my gut. Being safe is better than being sorry. I’ll be thinking of you! Please, if you feel up to it, keep us updated! Good luck OP!

OOP: Thank you so much for this. It really helped.

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Update:

August 16, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

My step dad is acting very creepy towards me - UPDATE

Firstly I want to thank everyone for the advice. Just to address some things I saw in the comments of my last post. Yes, my actual dad is in my life and our relationship is great. I haven’t/can’t move in with him because he lives too far. I also never told him about the situation with my step dad at that time because I’ll know he’d do something he’d regret. My dad is a good man but has severe anger issues when people hurt me. He’s been to jail over it in the past. He went to therapy and is way better now, but I didn’t want any chance of messing up all his progress. As for my boyfriend, I have stayed over at his place many times but moving in permanently isn’t really possible because he has a roommate of his own, so I’m not sure why people were trying to shift some blame on him. He’s not a bum, he’s not leeching off of me, he’s simply also 19 and starting out his life. As for moving out in general , you guys must have been very lucky to have been in a better position than me at my age. I can’t simply move out on a whim. I only work part time (trying to get more hours) plus I go to school. I can’t afford a place on my own plus tuition, the cost of living is too high where I am. Being 19 doesn’t immediately make you on your feet. It’s only my first year out of highschool. Just needed to get that out of the way.

As for the actual update, I’m afraid it’s worse than what i thought. As soon as I saw the first comment about a potential hidden camera it scared me so much so that I immediately bought one of those camera detector things. When it came, I waited till he wasn’t home to try it out. I found 3. One in front of my bed, one above it, and one on my dresser. They are scarily small, but I still feel so dumb for not noticing. Couldn’t describe the feeling I had when I found them. I threw up and my mom heard and ran to comfort me. When I got myself together, I told her everything. Every action that made me uncomfortable, every comment he said that felt weird. I showed her the cameras I found.

Her face immediately dropped and she started crying. She just asked over and over why didn’t I tell her sooner and it just made me feel that much more awful. It was my fault that I didn’t tell her. She apologized over and over again and said she failed me. We had a much needed convo and afterwards. Said that she just thought it was uncomfortable between us because it’s a new adjustment for all of us. She searched the rest of the house for me because i honestly couldn’t deal with finding others. She found one in the bathroom then searched his office. He always told us we weren’t allowed in because that’s where his work stuff is and he doesn’t want us to “mess it up.” I waited at the door while she searched, and in the drawers she found random stuff of mine and an old phone that we don’t know of.

On the phone there are pictures and videos from my social media accounts, of me sleeping, changing, me being intimate with my boyfriend, all in my room. She also found a couple pairs of my underwear that I didn’t even notice went missing, a couple of my hair ties, and after that I went back to my room. I couldn’t watch anymore of that. I called my boyfriend to pick me up while my mom called the police because I just couldn’t stay in that house for any longer. He held me and I cried for what felt like hours till I fell asleep. I woke up and called my mom and told me the run down of what happened. I don’t know all the details because I couldn’t bear to hear much. Basically he came home to the cops and completely owned up to putting cameras in my room. His defense was that he needs to know everything that’s going on in “his” house. As for my stuff and the pictures, he claims he doesn’t know how it got there.

He’s arrested but that’s all I know so far. I told my dad and he’s driving down now. I haven’t been asked to make a statement yet, and I don’t know how any of that works honestly. It’s triggering to even think about. But yeah, there’s the update. To the people who sent me hateful and hurtful things and told me this was all in my head, especially u/mysterymeat45 and u/pazsion80423294, i hope you never have kids. If you hate privately you should be called out publicly. Even if you are troll accounts it’s still insanely fucked up to say the things you did. To everyone who gave me actual, genuine advice, I wish nothing but the best for you all and thanks again so much. If it weren’t for you guys I’d probably think I was still being dramatic. I most likely won’t update again, i already want to move on from this situation. Sorry if this is jumbled. Everything is still so fresh, but writing it out is somehow helping me process it, I think.

Edit: stop calling me “lucky” because he didn’t do worse. I don’t feel lucky at all.

Here are just a couple more examples since people didn’t think the ones my other post were damming enough, and to also maybe help someone else in a similar situation see signs. 1, He would ALWAYS need to know where I am and who I’m with. I find this weird because he’s not my dad, I’m an adult, and I would tell my mom. My mom telling him wasn’t enough. He’d say “no, I want to hear it from HER mouth.” 2, he would often open my packages if I didn’t get to them in time. Very annoying and weird. I ordered the camera detector when the arrival time was while he was at work, so I got lucky there. 3, always commenting on my outfits. Would tell me unwanted “advice”, and that I look like a hooker if I wore shorts/skirts/anything “revealing”. 4, would always ask me about birth control/using protection. “Are you on the pill? If not that little fucker (my boyfriend) better be wrapping it up.” He’d say stuff like this at the most random times too. 5, would always try to use my mom against me. If we got into an argument he would make himself seem like the victim, always. My mom would always say to leave her out of it. 6, he would sometimes groan or say “you again??” Very annoyed when I walked in a room. It was over exaggerated to the point where he could brush it off as a joke if he wanted, but I knew it wasn’t a joke. 7, if I bought something and came home with bags, he’d interrogate me about what I bought. The VS bag is the only time I have hard proof that he went through my stuff. 8, he was super weird about my boyfriend. He would never say his name, just “that little boyfriend of yours.” If I went to go see him he’d roll his eyes and say “again?” Or “don’t you spent too much time with him?” 9, pushing me to call him dad even though he never even come close to having that title. 10, would never ever knock before opening my door. Even though I told him to, repeatedly. Thats all I can really think of right now.

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TOP COMMENTS

lizziebee66: Sweetie, whilst your mum’s reaction upset you that she was also upset, hold on to the fact that she 100% believed you. She loves you and has your safety at the centre of her world. Stay safe and loved

Bulky-Mycologist-402: The fact that 3 separate cameras were found is absolutely sickening & frightening. I hope this guy gets punished to the fullest extent of the law. So sorry to hear you had to endure this, it's very disheartening & wretched knowing this creep thought he can be sneaky and get away doing some shit like this.

Illustrious-Tart7844: Hi, OP. I’m a former domestic violence victim advocate and I’ve worked with women who have gone through similar incidents and worse... I’m so sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this at all. You handled it PERFECTLY and I’m astounded by your strength. Please wrap yourself in support. You will get through this and come out stronger on the other side. Take care of yourself, please. 💜

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP

THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT OOP

I am not the OOP, OOP is Reddit:u/Dunnachius

Story Compiled by: Reddit:u/JoySubtraction

Originally posted to: r/JustNoHOA (first 2 posts) and r/fuckHOA (last 2 posts)

Note: Possibly a fake story

click for possible fake spoiler

Reddit u/randomndude01 posted:

OOP has posted their living situation a year ago and it seems like his luck has completely flipped.

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/ub9mtHy6Wg

There’s a two year gap between his latest comment and this post, homeless and living in their car.

Can’t say if this entire thing was true or not but he does say he went into a debt spiral.

Reddit u/Minimum_Reference_73 posted:

There's a later post where he talks about stealth living in his van and stuff, so that makes me wonder.

And there are several posts about how the legal system does not work that way where OP is claiming to be from.

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Original Post: Jan 29, 2022

Long story short, I bought a house in an HOA, in a gated community.

(free standing single family residence)

The property was purchased through a foreclosure auction, knowing it had a property tax lien on it as well (and the dollar amount). I had to buy the tax lien from a speculator that bought the lien at auction. He told me he was waiting on some arbitrary timeframe in order to able to force a sale on the lien.

regardless... the sale is final and all Liens have been cleared.

The previous owner WAS in the HOA prior to his death.

Regardless of the situation I own the property free of clear of any and all liens. I didn't purchase the house through "normal channels". For example the "dead guy" never signed anything in the HOA documents transferring ownership. I also never agreed to follow the CCRs when I purchased the house. Because I didn't buy the house from the former owner, just the gubment.

However every time (like literally every single time) I head out to the property to do any work on/in it I get hounded by one or more of 4 or so busy bodies who keep trying to get me to sign the contract, they keep telling me it's mandatory and I keep telling them "I'm going to have my attorney look at them and I'll get back to you"

They also point out that the HOA had right of first refusal in selling the home and I shouldn't have been able to buy it without first signing the contract. (well I did, so screw them) Everything I can find says that the HOA is voluntary/non-Mandatory and I've never signed shit.

Well, one of my questions is that while the house used to be in the HOA, I don't know if it is grandfathered in because it was in the HOA already? Or is it not in the HOA because I haven't signed yet? Or is the mere act of buying the house legally put in me the HOA even if I haven't signed anything?

Supposedly, the "voluntary" HOA is 100% (minus me) of the neighborhood and they have a contract giving right of first of first refusal on any resale of the property. (Good luck enforcing that on a tax/mortgage auction with a dead guy). They also required anyone who bought a house to sign the contract with the HOA before the builder would sell. And one of the things in the HOA contract is that the HOA has the right of first refusal on any sales.

So am I in a legal grey area in a very tightly controlled voluntary HOA? Or is there something sketchy going on with the way they have it set up?

I also have yet to receive a gate access key, I have had luck just tailgating other cars in thru the gate. I also don't have a street parking sticker, nor do I have any way to request guest parking passes or any of that crap that the paper work talks about.

Or do I stand to have an issue over the right of first refusal crap?

I know.. "Don't sign" is the the correct answer, but what sort of troubles am I going to be in over this bullshit?

PS

If I can really get away with not joining i'm going to park the biggest most mad Maxian truck in the front yard in the grass and paint it neon orange/purple stripes, and build a 20 foot pirate ship in the back yard complete with crows nest.

OOP added in a comment:

I contacted a lawyer for a consultation and he has yet to get back to me. Which means one meeting over the phone to collect all my information, however long to research everything than he will let me know what the situation is.

There is in fact "community assets" that they spend money on and more than likely some potion of the infrastructure isn't government maintained. The gates aren't freely provided by the government of course.

I pulled a flyer off the club house bulletin board with instructions on what to tell the uber/door dash driver so they can access the gate and bingo.. i'm in. They set up a code specifically to tell the delivery/rideshare/taxi drivers and posted it on the memo board. So this is like the least secure gate in the history of gates

The question of overnight parking tags is still a mystery I haven't solved and they tow anything parked on the street after dark.

As of today I have gate access codes (but still no sticker).

They came by again and their reaction to me indicates that this is a voluntary HOA that is doing well to pretend to be a mandatory HOA.

They have been working me over with the "Carrot" trying to get me to sign. I'm curious as to when they will switch to the stick and start threatening fantasy legal action.

They've already promised to "Give me plenty of time" to fix the yard and the house before they start fining me. Which is a verbal handshake Promise from an HOA Karen so on a scale of 1-10 I trust them as -5/10.

"isn't this a nice neighborhood?"

"Have you seen the club house?"

"Have you tried the pool?"

They are killings me with kindness, which is significantly better than then stabbing me in the back but still annoying as shit.

But yes, I'm making damned sure I don't sign anything.

Additional things I've learned

But I also learned that yard from the sidewalk to the road (and mailbox) are all HOA property, which means there is a significant amount of HOA assets. And technically under the property ownership rules they can enforce no blocking of the sidewalks/parking in the drive way even if I'm not a member of the HOA. However the zone of my driveway between the house and the sidewalk are my property.

There's also planters in the center of the Cu du sacs that are volunteer maintained with plants purchased with HOA funds, with home depot/lowes/walmart being the only approved sources that you can receive reimbursement in the CCRs.

I've been looking for "brother in law" kickback deals for contractors and it seems that the only requirements for contractors is that they use licensed bonded contractors and only approved paint colors/styles. Virtually everything in materials lists "or visually equivalent replacements"

It also doesn't require approval for repairs/maintenance just notification.

For what they are actually charging I might consider paying them, I know that it's a trap and I shouldn't but I can see why people would.

Still leaning on diagonally painting orange/purple neon stripes and replacing my yard with natural wild flowers and other native plants. And then I'm also considering displaying a vintage 1994 pickup truck in the yard on display cinder blocks.

Comments

dobber1965: They have to give you gate access. There was a case here in central Florida somewhat similar and the HOA had to give access to the new owners.

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Update 1

I beat the HOA... I won't be forced to join. GO LAWYERS! posted 2022-02-18

So earlier this month I purchased a property in real estate lien auction. the property was in a voluntary HOA that had 100% membership.

My attorney looked into the situation and drafted a proposal and sent it to the HOA via registered mail.

He drafted up a proposal agreement with the HOA with the following conditions.

1. The property owner has unrestricted access to any community owned roadways, gates, ect necessary to access his property.
2. This does not constitute joining the HOA.
3. The property owner will pay a figure monthly to the HOA to contribute to the non government owned infrastructure, at his discretion. The amount is non negotiable and not legally required, merely an acknowledgement that the assets exist and have costs for their upkeep.
4. The property owner will not be held to any HOA standards.
5. The property owner does not and will not get any voting rights in the HOA.
6. Any further attempts to get the property owner to join will be considered harassment.
7. Cashing of the attached checks constitutes agreeing to these terms.
8. the HOA will provide any necessary access codes for the property owner to use for visitors, contractors, ect.

They received it and signed for it. That day the harassment from the HOA stopped. A week later their attorney sent back a response.

Dunnachius

The HOA board has met, they do not appreciate your uneighborly attitude and are not agreeing to your terms.

However they acknowledge that your claim to unrestricted access to your property may have legal merit if the issue is taken to court. I have been instructed to give you a gate access code, attached below. You will not be given a keyfob to the gate as it would give you unrestricted access to their clubhouse.

Furthermore they are notifying you of the following, the roadway and sidewalk are both HOA property and they reserve the right to remove any illegally parked vehicles or other property.

This is however a legal acknowledgement that you will not be held to their community standards. They also are requesting some leeway regarding harassment as community notices may inadvertently be delivered.

Finally they are returning the check uncashed.

The HOA attorney

I'm not quite understanding how this doesn't constitute them agreeing to my terms thou.. They are giving me everything I want and are turning down my gift towards the upkeep of the road/gate.

--

OOP added in a comment:

I put in a call to a solar company to come out and do a quote on installing solar. Completely not allowed by the HOA bylaws. So going to have to do it for sure. (note, not going to finance it, no contract ect, that's how those turkeys make their money)

All joking aside..

Today I mowed my lawn, started at 7:00 am before it got too hot and knocked that out. Hmm... since i measured twice I'm going to cancel my long term parking for my RV and move it there since my driveway is plenty long enough. Plus I can sleep in the RV while i'm getting the house into livable shape.

I'd throw a party but the big issue with that is that it isn't livable yet... as in it's a toxic disaster and I can't live in it. I have a call for a 12 foot dumpster to come in as well and the trash company is going to drop it in the driveway.

I'm also in the market for the tallest ugliest ham radio tower I can get. No actual interest in using, just in case....

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Update 2:

FHOA Getting harassed by HOA I'm not a part of. (and have refused to join) posted 2022-03-01

So... I purchased my property in a quasi non-voluntary HOA in forced sale. I cleared the liens (Which were disclosed prior to my purchase) and have been fixing up the property.

I'm currently "living" in an RV I have parked in the front yard. I have it up on concrete blocks. Totally in violation of the HOA but I'm not a member. The interior of the house is not livable (pretty bad hoarding situation) and I have a standing order with the trash company to have a 10 yard bin that gets swapped out every Friday. I predict another 2-3 months until that service can be canceled.

The dumpster every week is on top of bags of clothing that goes to goodwill and all the crap I put up on craigslist and ebay for sale. Plus I have enough shampoo and conditioner to keep my hair silky smooth and smelling of spring time for the next 50 years.

The HOA has been harassing me to join, I thought we settled the argument but screw them. They also attempted to have my RV towed off my front yard, fortunately I had already made efforts to prevent it from being towed. Namely I called the towing company the HOA had a contract with and my lawyer explained the situation. They also started sending me fines in the mail and I'm adding them to the harassments file.

Not being dumb enough to be sued the towing company agreed that they wouldn't tow any vehicle from any space that could be defined as "123 oak street" without my direct authorization. Including but not limited to the driveway, garage, front yard, or street in front of 123 Oak street.

We also saw a way for them to profit from the situation. This is my pro revenge on them.

We have a standing deal that they can drive the tow truck to my house, then they knock on my door and ask if I called the tow. If I say no they charge the HOA for wasting their time, and If I don't answer they can still charge the HOA for wasting their time.

The towing company hit them for about $500 before they caught on to the deal they made with me.

Some good news... i've successfully gotten into the bathroom and cleaned out all the children's clothing and decades old pizza boxes and bags of onion peels. So after a great deal of elbow grease I might actually be able to shower in my house soon.

OOP added in a comment:

House is livable and I’ve moved in.

Outside is up to my personal level of acceptable.

Livable is a matter of debate. Toxic death trap? No…

Could I rent it out? No…

I have one bedroom and the master bath done. I have the carpet/drywall etc ripped out and the insulation replaced.

The kitchen is not done and won’t be until I get the money to finish. It’s a do the work as the money comes up situation. I have tile down and the cabinets will be next.

I have a fridge, microwave and coffee pot inside and a gas grill outside I do my cooking on.

The other 2 bedrooms and living room are clean. It’s basically one really huge space with insulation showing and studs. I have a cheap area rug in the living room with a tv on a stand and my fugly couch.

Like I said the kitchen is the next and most expensive project. The old cabinets had literally started to rot apart from leaking/gunk on them.

Hoarding is a medical condition!

So im living in the house but there’s a ton of work to do and it’s going to take a big pile of money. Might take me years to finish it off.

Also there’s no way that it would be safe to have children or pets living in the place.

On the plus side I don’t have the typical half million in debt that most Americans do for housing so instead of a mortgage payment I can sink a $1,000 a month into home improvements for the foreseeable future.

The HOA has complied with s court order to stop harassing me. They tried to file a lien on the property for unpaid stuff and my lawyer got it blocked.

Someone got a hold of the mailing list and tipped everyone in the HOA off about the pending lawsuits and how much it would cost each owner in a special assessment if they lost.

There was a recall election scheduled and the board stepped down within a couple days and a new board was elected.

About a week ago I got certified mail from the HOA’s new attorney stating that they acknowledge their error in assuming the hoa is mandatory.

However my lawsuit continues due to the fact that my lawyer is a very good at writing bills.

The harassment and legal fees are the only things I’m suing for now.

So I’ve basically won my battle to stay out of the HOA and the new board wants this to stay quiet and not wreck their property values.

---

Update 3:

Update on my HOA. They forged my signature. posted 2022-04-11

Required background info,

It's technically a "voluntary" Hoa but i'm literally the only person who didn't opt in. Everyone else opted in as a purchase condition. I got my house through other than normal means bypassing the contractual obligation to join.

So my efforts to continue to exist as a hold out surrounded by the HOA have not been without new stories to tell. They got dirty and forged my signature on a copy of the HOA contract. They started up with the fines again.

The house color, dumpster, RV, fence, ECT.

My lawyer is taking them to court and he already got a temporary court order to block all liens levied by the HOA. They hadn't even filed a lien yet and there's already a temporary court order blocking them until the conclusion of the civil and criminal actions against the HOA board and the HOA. There's also a detective from the FDLE (state law enforcement) investigating the forgery.

The running tally for this is already over $10,000 in legal fees. Gotta say I love my lawyer. He's doing everything on a "we'll sue them for the legal costs later" basis.

My lawyer says they are digging their hole all the way to china.

OH and someone tipped off the entire HOA using the HOA holiday event email list that this legal action is ongoing due to alleged criminal activities of the board. It's almost like a lawyer wrote the letter or something...

There WAS a lawsuit against me for slander/libel (both) but my lawyer had it tossed out as they could neither prove I wrote it (which I didn't) and it simply informed the HOA members them of the legal action taking place, there wasn't a gag order, and it said "allegedly" rather than a flat out accusation.

Rumor has it there's going to be a second lawsuit against the board members following the conclusion of mine for gross negligence, breach of fiduciary duty etc.

All I wanted to do was fix my new house and live in peace.

On the plus side It should only be a few more weeks until I finish gutting the interior.

I also found more copies of "Titanic". The running total is 84 copies ranging from VHS to blue ray. One particular special edition of the VHS sold for a couple hundred bucks on Ebay new unopened.

My sister cheated on her fiancé and then left her kids all because she wanted “a break”, and I’m not supposed to say anything to her.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: Reddit:u/Spunky_Munkey97

Story Compiled By: Reddit:u/BigONerd

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest & r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 13, 2025
• Update 1: January 20, 2025
• Update 2: January 30, 2025
• Final Update: August 12, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

---

Main Post

January 13, 2025

Buckle up because this is a LOT but I’m really bothered by this and need to just vent because I can NOT believe this has happened.

My (27f) sister (22f) has two beautiful kids. One is 3 and the other is 14 months. When my sister had her oldest daughter, she suffered from PPD, but with support she was able to come out of it. She didn’t really bond with the kid much after though, occasionally she would do fun things with her but it was very rare. Shortly after, I had my son, and I was OVER THE MOON, I’ve never loved something as much as I love my kids ( I now have 2 as well).

When she found out she was pregnant with her 2nd, she didn’t get as excited as she did with the first but as the pregnancy progressed, she was getting more excited.

Fast forward to the second kid being born. She didn’t show any signs of PPD, but she bonded with the second kid way more than she did with the first. I’m not sure if it was because she was exclusively breastfeeding or what but definitely had a better bond with this one. She would get more irritated with the first born ( who was only 2 at the time) and just more distant with her.

Her youngest starting showing some health issues ( nothing super serious, some food allergies and skin issues) and that seemed to just utterly defeat my sister. All of the family, and her fiancé were very encouraging and tried to help her see the bright side, find recipes for the daughter etc. but she didn’t seem like she was interested in any of it. She started to distance herself from both kids now, only doing the bare minimum.

Now, we just found out that my sister had been emotionally cheating on her fiancé, who is the definition of a literal golden retriever partner lol he loves his kids and my sister and took very good care of all 3 of them. He would only ever push my sister to do better and never in a mean way. Anything they needed, he provided for them while my sister got to be a SAHM.

Two days ago, she broke things off with the fiance and had this complete stranger come get her from another state ( she has never met him, and only been FT or playing on Xbox for about a month). All because she said she “had no emotion and needed a break”.

She left with the guy, and I’m not supposed to know any of this. I’m distraught for my nieces and my brother in law ( or I guess not my brother in law anymore?). I don’t understand how a mother could leave her kids, go out of town with someone she didn’t know, without a care in the world. I love my kids and I couldn’t do that to them…

Part of me wonders if it’s PPD, or maybe a manic episode? I genuinely don’t know. I’ve also learned some other things about how she’s been recently that just make me think I never really knew who my sister was, and that’s heartbreaking because she was my best friend. I can not condone that behavior.. my brother in law is filing for emergency custody, but I hope she doesn’t try to take those kids from him because she doesn’t deserve them. They deserve stability and she’s clearly not stable. Ugh.

COMMENTS

shesavillain: Why do you keep saying you’re not supposed to know any of this?

OOP: My brother in law told me and doesn’t want my sister to know I know until he files court paperwork just in case she tries anything since they’re not married

GilgameDistance: If this is the reason, BIL is wise - please listen to him and let his lawyers work out custody. It sounds like the best thing for those kids is for him to have sole, full custody. Please help him get that.

OOP: I plan on it

NatNatTh3CatMom: We really need to know how old is BIL

OOP: He’s 22

Maatable: What kind of "support" did your sister receive when she was going through PPD? Her behavior for thr last two years has been troubling, this escalation especially so. Your sister needs professional help desperately.

OOP: She saw a therapist for a few weeks but quit going. We would come over, help with chores, cook, babysit so she could take a shower or a nap or even so she could go out with her fiance.

honorthecrones (downvoted): He never was your brother in law. Why did they never marry?

OOP: They were going to have an October wedding this year. My sister didn’t want to just go to the court house, she wanted a ceremony and everything so they were saving for that.

peppermintvalet

“He would only ever push my sister to do better and not in a mean way” Can you elaborate on this?

OOP: If she wasn’t pulling her weight with house stuff, he would just have an adult conversation with her and then help her do whatever was needed to do. For example, he works from 8-7pm, and would come home and the dishes from the previous night were not done or any laundry etc. So he would talk to her about it and then they would do it together. Or if she was depressed and wanted to just lay in bed all day, he would do something like make her favorite breakfast and encourage her to get up even if it wasn’t easy.

oboejoe92: Possibly Borderline Personality Disorder?

She could be “monkey branching” as I have heard it called before- essentially always having her arm stretched out to the next branch (metaphorically speaking) looking for that next bit of validation, excitement, dopamine hit, whatever. “Swinging” from one thing/person to the next.

First it was her partner, then child one, then child two, now random dude.

OOP: She was diagnosed with that when she was younger, was medicated for a long time and when she turned 18, she took herself off of her medicine. She said she was feeling better off the meds so we all just assumed she was okay. That was our error, but her choice to be off of her medication.

oneofthesenights23: Why did nobody get her real help? Encouraging her to see the bright side isn’t help. She is so young to have 2 babies and ppd sounds like she needs real help if running away is easier than dealing with her life. Did she see a therapist after her first pregnancy?

OOP: Yes she did for a few weeks, and then she quit going and I guess she just masked that everything was fine

YakElectronic6713: Why does your sister have two kids at the age of 22, when it is so obvious she doesn't enjoy being a mother? Has the Golden Retriever pressured her into having children?

OOP: Not at all, they planned the first one and then the second was a surprise. They weren’t really being careful, my sister was on BC but didn’t take it like she was supposed to ( would miss days etc)

Wh33lh68s3: That's some fucking Bullshit that you can't say anything to her about abandoning her children!!!

Make sure that the abandonment is well documented so that when the father of the children sues for full custody of the children it will be easier for him to do so...

Updateme:

OOP: Yeah he wants all of the court bs situated first and then I fully plan on losing my shit. I’ll probably also just send the link to the post so when she tries to say I’m judging her or whatever then she can see that I’m not alone in thinking she sucks. Mental health issues, I could sympathize with as I am type 1 bipolar. But even still, she should be able to be an adult and communicate that she needs help, and not cheat on a really good man and then abandon her kids….

Also a few people have said to update them when I can, and I plan to! But I’m newer to Reddit so I’m not sure how to do like a mass update lol

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Update - 1 in the Main post - after 7 days

January 20, 2025

Since some of you have asked, I’ll update on the little bit of info we have. So my BIL changed phone plans, and did not include her on his new bill. She called him and asked him why he didn’t put her on it…. Like she genuinely didn’t understand that he is not going to be paying for her things anymore.

She told him that she isn’t going to fight him and that he can have full custody of the kids. And that she still wants to be able to call and visit when she feels like it. The guy she ran off with, just lost his car BECAUSE HE SIGNED DIVORCE PAPERS RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT TO GET MY SISTER. And his ex took the car because it was in her name lol karma is beautiful. She also told my BIL that she plans on moving back with the new guy so they can be close to her kids…

I don’t get her logic in any of this really. Also, people have asked so some answers here!

• BIL is 22
• my sister asked my BIL not to tell us ( my mom and I) because she did not want us to get in the way of her being able to see her kids or to “judge her”. ( too late). My BIL doesn’t want her to know we know until after all of the court stuff is finalized.
• he’s doing okay, him and his mom are actually going to be moving a little closer to our family, so we can all help out with the kids. It takes a village and he’s definitely got one.
• since my sister being out of the picture for a week now, the youngest kid has taken her first steps and the oldest seems genuinely happier.

I’m coming from a much less angry place. I still can not stand that she did this, and I am cutting contact with her. My partner and I are supporting my BIL as much as we can with two kids of our own. This whole situation has been insane. I’ll update more if anything else happens. Thank you to everyone who gave advice and didn’t judge me venting. Once this all isn’t so fresh I’m going to show BIL the thread and let him see that it was not his fault.

---

Update 2 - after 17 days (after 10 days from last post)

January 30, 2025

Update! My sister cheated on her Fiance and then left her kids all because she wanted a break and I’m not supposed to say anything to her.

Okay so I have a few updates to this absolute insanity of a situation.

First, I posted the first update as an edit to the original post. Since then, my sister called my mom, and asked her for any legal contacts so she “looks like she has her shit together”. My mom told her no, and that she isn’t going to help her because she abandoned her children. My sister is still convinced that she did not abandon them.

She yelled at my mom stating that she hasn’t left them and that she’s only 3 hours away and calls to talk to them every night….. she doesn’t. She has called a few times but not every day. She’s still planning on moving back home with this new guy so she can be closer to the kids but I’m pretty sure my BIL is only going to allow her to have supervised visits since she has made comments about just taking the kids and how she should have done that from the start, her best friend suggested it.

When my mom tried to reason with her and ask her why she didn’t just come her, her response was “I just want to be on my own”. Which I find ironic because she hasn’t been on her own ever and she’s still not on her own. She is still mooching off of another guy with a job and she still doesn’t have a job, a license, or her GED. ( we have all offered to help her get those things but she has no drive to actually do it). BIL and his mom are moving closer to me and my parents so we can all help each other and hopefully make things easier on BIL as he tries to be a single dad with two toddlers.

BIL is in much better spirits. He was upset until my sister called him, while she was naked, and asked him for money and then she proceeded to put on the other guys hoodie and walk around the house until he could see the other guy in the background. My BIL said at that point, he knew he was never getting her back and didn’t want her back and he’s doing much better. He has good days and bad days but the good are outweighing the bad. The kids are actually thriving without my sister there too. My sister would “parent” by just turning on tv and letting them do whatever, but BIL is much more involved with them as is his mom.

If anything else crazy happens, I’ll post another update but for now I think we are just waiting for all of the long term court paperwork to be submitted. He got emergency custody and it was filed that she abandoned them and fled the state.

Thank you to everyone who has let me vent and given some good advice. This has definitely been a rollercoaster.

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Final Update - After 1 year, 7 months

August 12, 2026

Final Update in the BORU comments

Hi guys! So I’m OP! Thought I would post another update as I was reminded of this post through a comment! So I hope you have your popcorn 😅

So my sister and the Xbox guy are still together and to put it simply, he sucks. He’s a raging narcissist and has a pretty explosive temper for someone who is almost 30.

They moved back to the same state as us, and lived with my mom and step dad for a little bit with the understanding that she was to get her life together. They never paid rent, they didn’t clean, and their room constantly smelled like B.O and sex. It was disgusting. When my parents addressed the issues, the Xbox guy said that he “doesn’t do dishes, instead he just throws them away” and that “if he doesn’t cook then he shouldn’t have to do dishes”. My sister and him would get into some pretty nasty arguments where he would name call and get in her face. For reference, my sister is 5’3 and he’s 6’5.

They ended up getting kicked out of my mom’s house when they refused to help financially or physically around the house. They wouldn’t even buy groceries except like maybe $50 every other month and my sister would need rides to work and not compensate for gas. My parents are not well off, they pay their bills and have very little extra financially to do anything else, so when paying for two extra adults, they were drowning.

They now live in a camper, that they bought with the Xbox guys divorce money but he put it in my sisters name only because he didn’t want to get a license and register it in his name just in case the courts came after him for not paying child support to his child who hasn’t even turned a year at this point ( I think he’s about to or just turned one, but they don’t see him so I’m not entirely sure, I’m pretty disconnected from that.)

Their relationship is sad but honestly she did it to herself. He’s put his hands on her, locked her in the bathroom and told her to figure out how to get out, spit in her face, etc. He doesn’t want her to work because “he’s very religious and believes in the traditional ways of life and that’s the woman stays home and he provides” meanwhile they barely pay their bills and he makes like $15 an hour which is not really anything in this economy especially him paying child support.

A few months ago she was going to leave him, because he got abusive and we honestly still don’t know the extent of it. But she ended up staying, and when I asked her why stay with this POS, her words verbatim to me were “ well you know how it is, when you’re with a narcissist, you know you’re the victim but you just can’t leave because they do have good qualities and it’s not bad ALL the time”. I was in a mentally abusive relationship but got myself out of it and I’m THRIVING so I don’t actually “know how it is”.

So she stays at home all day, getting high and just waits for him to come home. She doesn’t come to family gatherings because we all can’t stand him due to our own personal experiences with him and he hates to see independent women who won’t bow down to his stupid ass.

As for the kiddos and ex fiancé. He moved to another state with the girls where he has family support. They are very well taken care of, he works two jobs to support them and his mom and grandma helps watch them for him. Apparently she talks to them on FaceTime but not every day and the ex now knows about the abuse from the Xbox guy because she decided to call him crying for help and had him listen to how Xbox guy was talking to her during an argument. So I highly doubt that their dad will allow this POS to be around the girls. He even offered to drive the 12 hours to come get her and bring her back to their state so she could get away from him and be with the girls. He has said he will probably always have love for my sister but he knows they’re not a good match.

I talk to her maybe twice a month, because even though I don’t like her choices, I do care for my sister and my conversations are basically life checks at this point. Apparently she’s starting a job this week, because Xbox guy asked for help with bills. We will see how long this lasts.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the community rules.

I am not OOP. OOP is u/Agent641 posting in r/perth. Thank you to Reddit user u/VN93SS9 for making their first BoRu post so entertaining

Concluded as per OOP.

Some useful terminology:

jarrah - Eucalyptus marginata, which the countertop is made of.

DFES - Department of Fire and Emergency Services in Australia.

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Who do you call when youre stuck? - 2019-02-22

---

Like lets say you are stuck somewhere, and its not a life threatening emergency situation, but its fairly serious and its gonna require a bit of know-how and gumption to get you unstuck, who do you call? Fire department?

OOP elaborates in a comment thread:

Canigetamoment: Are you ok?

Im a bit stuck but otherwise yeah im fine.

Canigetamoment: Where are you stuck? Call the fire department I think, or a friend

The front door is locked and i cant open it from where i am, any of my friends that im ok with seeing me naked and vulnerable dont have a car. Also Im naked i didnt mention that before.

Canigetamoment: So definitely call the fire department I think, do you have a spare key outside they could access? Are you able to make yourself less nude if you could get someone to come help you?

I have a cushion. No key outside but with a ladder they could go over the roof and come in thru the garage. Ill google to see if theres a non emergency number for them.

Canigetamoment: Yeah I think that’s definitely your best bet. Legit though, how the fuck did you get this stuck?

Well I wanted a nice shiny coffee bar counter top, so I cut and sanded and stained it all nice, and i applied a coat of epoxy resin last night. Its supposed to set hard in 24 hrs. So tonight after having a shower i came to check on it, and I rapped my fingers on it and it sounded like hard plastic, so I thought it was set. I was curing it in the livingroom because its the least dusty place. Anyway I just happened to sit down on it while I was reading the destructions (sic) that came with the epoxy, wondering if i should give it another coat. When i was done reading the instructions, i went to stand up, and couldnt. So im kinda sitting here with a slab of live edge jarrah attached to my butt cheeks, watching battlestar galactica and waiting for the non emergency dfes number to return my call. If i could make it to the garage i know ive got some acetone there, but im not sure if it would help. My beer is empty which is a drag, but otherwise everythings great.

In response to OOP's explanation of how they got themselves in this mess:

Muslim_Wookie: Mate call the police communications centre. Getting stuck with epoxy on your skin is no joke, don't try to pull yourself off.

I managed to free my nutsack but the butt is gonna take some strategy.

littleblackcat: umm you should call the firies dude

I dnt know, they might laugh at my gross white naked body. I dont even have an ab.

postingstuff: Ok this makes my window comment obsolete. What a pickle.

OMG YES! One ofthe release agents google mentioned was vinegar. I cant get to the acetone or the thinners in the garage (wont fit thru the doorway) but I know i do have a jar of pickles in the cupboard i could get to, eat the pickles and use the vinegar to weaken the surly bonds of resin! This is now plan A. Dfes ops center still hasnt called back.

metao: I don't even care if it's real or not, this is the best thread to happen to r/perth in a long time.

Homie, I might be borderline r****ded, but Im no liar. (Image transcript: OOP posts a picture showing themselves sitting on top of the countertop by showing the top of their leg, next to a jar of pickles. Their butt is out of frame. Battlestar Galactica is shown on the TV.)

produrp: My attention is glued to this thread.

I’m fucking sorry man

No you're not...

produrp: Mate I really feel for you.

Are you free tomorrow? I’m playing basketball with some mates and we need someone to come off the bench.

When I can reach my computer Im gonna gild that. (Editor's note: OOP did not remember to gild that post.)

produrp:

A mates just finished a PC build and he’s wondering if you can help him Benchmark it?

Muslim_Wookie: You need a hypeman cause you are LIT

produrp: I’ve got more jokes, just working out how to mix them into the conversation. The next one’s a big longer and is in two parts. Part A and Part B.

---

OOP posts an update in the thread about 1.5 hours after posting the thread:

Update: The gods are good and kind, I made it to the fridge wherer the pickles were, and made it back. The gherkin juice is actually working, very slowly. Did you know that the apparent stickiness of a surface is called 'stiction'? I thi k its mostly hair that is experiencing stiction. If my skin were chemically bonding with the epoxy resin, according to the google it would burn like fucckery, which its not. If it does, ill give in and call literally every emergency service there is.

Cmdr Adama is still in dire staits after being shot by a cylon, but Tigh is doing his best despite a boarding party fucking up the battlestar.

Im down to three gherkins and half a jar of juice. Ive been dabbing it furiously with pages torn from a book called "Man, The Builder". I also got myself a couple of beers while i was at the fridge. Priorities. DFES has stillnot returned my voicemail.

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OOP posts another update half an hour later:

Update 2: I am so fucking stupid. Im sitting here thinking, how am i gonna get to the meanest solvent in the house if I cant fit 1340x420mm of Jarrah sideways thru the garage door, but never thought until a couple minutes ago, why it have to stay 1340x420mm?

I know my jigsaw is battery operated and located just inside the door to the garage, so i take my ass that way and fetch it thru the door with a long stick.

Then i sat back on the coffee table snd sawed the countertop in three pieces, only one if which is glued to my person. Now that i can fit through almost all doorways, i was able to get the acetone and the turps and use these to acellerate the fantastic work my pickle juice has been championing. Still watiching BSG while i dissolve my assload of resin, and its going great!

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Another half-hour later, OOP posts another update:

Update 3: I managed to pull myself off, my ass hurts like hell and I'm more exhausted than I've ever been in my life. I'm going to bed.

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OOP posts their last update in the thread:

Update 4: It is the morning after. There is a little tenderness, but not much pain. If anything, my butt feels thoroughly exfoliated.

The scene of the battle (Image transcript: A piece of the countertop, with exoxy residue on it.)

The "Lay of the Land" (Image transcript: Multiple pieces of the countertop, laid out on a table.)

A close-up of our hero and messiah, this jar of spring valley gherkins (Image transcript: An empty pickle jar.)

I think at some point I said jarrah, and I know that's not what this is, but in the heat of the moment I couldnt remember what kind of timber this colour/style is so I just used the best descriptor I could think of.

I'd like to thank everyone for their support and morbid fascination through this ordeal. Special thanks to u/postingstuff for the pickle idea, and to u/produrp for the thorough ridicule and complete lack of empathy, it really kept my spirits up.

I won't be posting a picture of my butt, that would be a crime against humanity.

Some comments on the update:

produrp: If it’s not Jarrah what wood is it?

Blackbutt?

Anyway I’m glad you’re okay man. I was concerned for your safety and wellbeing initially, butt as we learned more of the situation and I was more confident you weren’t in mortal danger I knew what I had to do.

So in the future when I accidentally Vaculok my penis to a nightstand or dynabolt my testicles to the tiled floor I know you’ll be there to hand my ass to me.

🤗🤗

postingstuff: Any time mate, glad I could provide some inspiration in return for the entertainment 🤣

---

Final Update:

So I finished my new counter top - 2019-02-23

OOP posts a picture of the countertop. (Image transcript: Three pieces of wooden counter top, each with a white coating.)

I posted this just a moment ago, but I think I pasted the link wrong as the image wasn't coming up in the thumbnail.

The time I spent looking at my epoxy job made me realize that not only is it not really worth the trouble, I actually started to dislike the ultra gloss finish of the epoxy. It looked kind of tacky and way too shiny.

I went and bought a new bit of timber from bunnings, added a strip to make it the required width, cut a gouge out to acommodate the geometry of the wall its going against, and coated it this time in matte clear polyurethane (Cabots), which dries in only 2 hrs and is way easier to apply. Three coats and a bit of light sanding and I was finally done with the job. I think it looks way better than the shiny epoxy. I even had time to make some nice cabinet doors, but I've still got to paint these white later this evening.

Two TV channels asked to interview me, one newspaper wanted to do a story and photo op with me and the jar of gherkins, which I've declined, and a couple of online news outlets have run my epoxy butt pickle story with pictures from the thread. I kinda hope that's the end of this wild ride...

I'll be in the workshop.

---

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

My new neighbors ‘parties’ are creeping me out

This is a repost. The original was posted in r/TwoHotTakes by user Emotional-Letter8226. I'm not the original poster. Thank you Reddit used u/schattenspringer for compiling this post

Status: Concluded

Tap for mood spoiler

Not dramatic, not a sex cult

Original:

August 7, 2026

I (25M) just moved into a duplex. Rent is affordable, it’s nice to finally escape the apartment life and I’m so excited to be able to have a garden. Everything has been great so far except my neighbors/housemates are giving me weird vibes. I live in one half of the house and a couple, probably mid thirties lives on the other side. Let’s call them Arden and Andrea. I haven’t met them yet but in the week I’ve been here something kind of strange has been happening. Two times they’ve had a bunch of people over, like 15 people. For reference, the house isn’t super big to begin with so 15 people on their side is likely a bit of a squeeze but the weird thing is that there is ZERO NOISE from their side. Like complete silence. Our walls are not thick. I hear when they vacuum do you’d think 15 people hanging out would bleed through the walls but NOTHING. The people they’ve had over look to also be in their 30s and all walk up to their door, go in, and then nothing. Idk why it’s creeping me out but that’s 17 people on the other side of the wall and zero noise!! They’re in there for about an hour or so and then they all leave. Has anyone had anything like this before or have any ideas what they might be doing? I don’t wanna say anything cause that’d be weird but I also wanna know what goes on over there.

edit: okay there have been some developments, posted an update but don’t know how to link it here

---

Comments by OOP:

I heard them having a heated discussion the other day and that came through the wall so surely a bunch of people having book club would too?

Wow a lot of people commented on this. For the record I’m not trying to snoop just politely curious what goes on with all those people and zero noise like not even conversation. I made some chocolate chip cookies and am going over to introduce myself and give them to them tomorrow and maybe ask if it naturally comes up, praying they don’t have allergies to my gift of sustenance 🤞 A bunch of people asked if there’s a basement, not on my side so I would assume not on theirs but maybe idk thank you all for your ideas! I’ll report back if there’s any more info on what it is they do

---

Update:

August 8, 2026, 1 day later

Wow did not expect this post to get this much attention, y’all had a bunch of ideas I hadn’t thought of as to what my neighbors were doing last week. Unfortunately, I’m still if not more confused than I was before. I made cookies yesterday and took them over this morning to introduce myself and maybe ask what they’re up to if it came up naturally. And I can say 100% there is something weird going on with the neighbors. The woman opened the door and I said hey and my name and that I moved in next door and offered her the cookies. She looked at me for like fifteen seconds without saying anything like a head to toe kind of look and then smiled really big and was like hi I’m Andrea welcome to the neighborhood. And then she asked if I wanted to come over on Sunday night cause they’re having a gathering. I asked what kind of gathering and she just said to bring a notebook and a pen. I asked why and she said it’s going to be fun and I’ll meet new people and just kind of smiled at me. I WAS CREEPED OUT YALL. I said I’d have to check my schedule and she looked like she knew I was stalling but said she hoped I could make it and then I went back to my side of the house. Anyway I don’t know if I should go cause if it’s something religious I’m not interested and if it’s something else I don’t wanna just go in blind ahhhh what should I do?? And what do you think it is??

---

Update 2:

August 9, 2026, 2 days later

Okay guys thank you for all your ideas and thoughts on whether I should go or not. If you missed my first two posts, the TLDR is that I moved into a duplex and my neighbors had a bunch of people over but I would never hear any noise through the very thin walls which was weird. I went and introduced myself and got invited to one of these gatherings with no info except to bring a notebook and pen. Even though some people said I shouldn’t go I went and I just got back and I have a lot to update you on and am also not entirely sure what just happened so please hang with me.

So Andrea said 8 and at about 7:45 people started showing up like they did last week. I waited a few more minutes and then went over and knocked on their door with the notebook and pen she asked me to bring. A woman I didn’t recognize opened the door and I said Andrea invited me over. She introduced herself and led me inside. We walked through the living room and kitchen which were normal (I was expecting bondage gear after all y’all who were like it’s a sex thing) and she opened a door in the hall. Those of you wondering if they had a basement on their side were right.

We walked down the stairs and in the unfinished basement were all the people I’ve seen going into their house. They were milling around chatting, and there were chairs in a few rows. But the weirdest thing was what was on the walls: dozens of posters of people, cats, dogs, and items. Like missing posters. And sticky notes all around them too.

Andrea came up to me and was like you came yay! And she introduced me to her husband and I was like what is this and they told me that they run a group that tries to find missing people, pets, and and items and collect the reward money. I was like … what. And they kept explaining but I honestly tuned them out I was panicking more than a little bit cause of all the things yall said might be going on this wasn’t something I’d considered/prepared my mind for. I asked if they’d ever actually solved anything and Andrea said they’ve found a few pets and stolen items and feel like they have some leads on people. They introduced me to a few other attendees and then the meeting for lack of a better word began.

Andrea and her husband stood at the front while everyone else sat on the chairs and called people up who I guess had been like assigned different cases who gave updates on their progress. Like this couple came up and talked about how they’d gone to the police station to ask about a missing woman in the county and the police hadn’t told them anything like duh why would they. And a guy got up and gave his theory on a briefcase that was stolen out of someone’s car. It was so weird but if I had gotten up and left everyone would have seen me and I didn’t wanna stand out. At the end of the meeting Andrea called ME UP and pulled a missing cat poster off the wall and told me it was my first case. I was too stunned to say anything so I just took it and sat back down and when the thing ended i got the hell out of there and now I’m writing this.

So Reddit, my new neighbors run a civilian bounty hunter ring out of their basement which is why I didn’t hear any noise through the walls and I’m supposed to be looking for an orange cat named Peaches who has a $200 reward. What. The. Fuck. Do. I. Do. Anticipating a question, I have no idea what they do with the money they get I did not wanna hang around and dig any deeper. I guess this isn’t the weirdest thing te more I think about it but I don’t wanna be a member of whatever this is.

Edit: Now that some of the shock has worn off this is kinda rad and I feel it may be my moral duty to #findpeaches

---

Reminder this is a repost community and I am not OOP

AITA for "not even giving my girlfriend the bare minimum", as people I know have put it?

---

I am not OOP. OOP is Viktoria@Lemmy.CA Do NOT message them, comment on the original post or harass them!

Post was originally made to !AmITheAssHole@Lemmy.world

AITAH does not have a way to determine Assholishness but the post has more down votes than upvotes.

Please note the OOP is still quite young without a fully developed brain.

Tap for Mood Warning

OOP is young. OOP acts like an ass to their partner.

Thank you fediverse user, YarrMatey@lemmy.dbzer0.com for pointing out additional updates

---

Original:

March 2026

So, a while ago, I (19NB/19F) have posted about this girl Nichole (18F). At the time, I was 18, and she 17. However, what happened is that there were personal stuff going on in my life and while I was so happy that Nichole liked me back and was DTF and all this stuff, I was too hung up on an old crush I was head over heels for, Karl (19M).

Karl has proven himself time and time again to be a bully who couldn’t treat me right even if I don’t know if he liked me that way, he probably just was using me when he flirted with me. So I moved on from him.

After one other girlfriend and I broke up, I fell for Nichole again, and she still liked me and was looking for a partner.

Well, I happen to be best friends with Max (20M). He is a year older than me. Way back in like sophomore year, we used to date when he was a girl and I was a boy. Now, I think I like him again, but I respect Nichole and Nichole is monogamous. I am not. I can be in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.

Nichole has recently been very depressed around me and I just want her to be happy and can’t take deep conversations or the drama. It just stresses me out and bothers me a whole lot.

Max and I have a very special friendship. He even has recently confessed feelings for me and been wanting to take me on dates. We still hang out without the official “boyfriend and girlfriend” title though because Nichole would be upset. Anyway, I have feelings for Max too and don’t quite know what to do with them.

We call every day for 4 hours, we just have that kind of friendship. I’ve even been having dreams of calling him and doing our usual stuff, but also cuddling, sleeping with him, giving him hickeys, etc. Stuff that I used to dream about with Nichole but not much with her anymore.

Truth be told, Nichole is HOT, but I love Max and his personality, and since he’s a more recent “crush” as a neurodivergent girl, I’m kind of “hyperfixated” on him. I get hyperfixations on people and Nichole used to be mine and while I still like her, now it’s Max who I fixate on.

Max and I always call for like 3-4 hours, maybe more, whereas I don’t even call Nichole because I’m too busy with Max. Recently, I’ve even slept over at his house, hung out with him, drank with him, and usually I fall asleep on the phone with him. We call them “long distance sleepovers”.

Nichole goes to bed really early though, like 8-9 while I go to bed at like midnight or later, so we never sleep on call. Nichole has talked to me about the whole thing, which I posted about before, and I answered her and then told her to stop talking about it, admittedly, because I didn’t want to deal with extra drama. But someone recently told her apparently, which she repeated to me, that someone who cares wouldn’t silence or dismiss her, but I do care and I don’t think that’s what I did.

If you know the anime trope “tsundere”, that’s kind of how Nichole is like now. Or rather, a “deretsun”. Normally, and at first, she acted “deredere” or sweet and lovestruck personalitywise, but then she became upset and super pissy and serious. I want the old Nichole back, not gonna lie. My Nikki.

But, again, I love my Maxmax too <3 He’s my best friend after all.

---

Comments

Canaconda:

tsundere

Anime has absolute fucked gen z up. Holy shit. Listen, anime is for kids in japan. It’s fiction written for a culture you can barely relate to. Applying it to your personal relationships is a bad life choice.

Nichole is monogamous. I am not. I can be in polyamorous and monogamous relationships.

Than you need to commit to Nichole or break it off cuz you’re definitely emotionally abusing her if she’s romantically interested in you.

Ignis:

You should end things with Nicole if you’re planning to continue your relationship to Max. It’s not fair to her or her feelings for you to be acting this way behind her back.

This sort of half in / half out thing is emotional cheating. She’s not poly. You can’t be looking for that type of emotional connection with another person while maintaining a relationship with Nicole.

---

Update:

Same post a few days later in the comments

OP: Sent a text to their significant other.

Transcription:

Ey bro listen. I don't care much about you anymore. I don't think we can hang out because of that sorry. I just don't want to. Max is new to me and I like him, not you. So let's break up, ok?

OP made a comment:

I told her I didn’t care about her anymore and broke up with her.

---

Comments

Canaconda:

Wow you went full autism on that one. Like I can be a dick but holy shit that was brutal.

Defs get a therapist / life coach that specializes in NDV clients because you really need some guidance… that doesn’t come from anime or reddit.

And if you ignore that advice… at least put your next breakup text through chat gpt first.

---

Update 2

No date, same month

So after everything that happened, she said she’s suicidal and may or may not do it and that if she doesn’t respond, she did it or is in the hospital. If she does, she will let me know that she’s alive or decided not to kill herself. She says I didn’t make her kill herself but I’m in shock

OOP updated Update: She said she decided she wouldn’t do it and she talked to her best friend about it

---

Update 3:

OP Sent texts:

click for text transcription

Text between OP and Nikki OP: I want you back babe. My wife (ring emoji) I'm sorry Nikki: honestily i['ll think about it but i'm down. i still love you, you know. even if our breakup was recent, i'll give you another chance. Nikki: just promise me you'll spend more time with me so it's fairer. i'd be fine with you spending more time with max if i preffered alone time but i prefer you to my alone time. Nikki: so more time w me would be fairer :') can you do that? if so we're good Nikki: <3 OP: I can do that. By the way, can we be polyamorous? I was wanting to date Max too Nikki: as long as i get to have you, my answer will always be yes <33 End first text

Single Image text OP to Nikki OP: You're the best babe (2 double heart emoji and a single heart emoji) Additional text screenshot

Text between OP and Max OP: Max, I really love you. I know you like me back. I was gonna get back with you anyway but I wanted Nikki so I asked her out again and asked if it was okay to date you if we dated again. She said yes. Again, I know you like me too and I've been wanting to do this for awhile. Will you go out with me? (heart emoji ring emoji) Max: Heart reacted that message Max: Of course (heart emoji) I would love to. I really like you too and was planning on asking YOU but didn't know if that was ok with her

So we are polyamorous now and we are back together, Nikki and I. Max and I are now dating too.

---

Comments

driving_crooner@lemmy.eco.br:

How does that work? Max and Nikki have a relationship between them too? Or they have other relationships with other people too?

No, they are monogamous but okay with me dating multiple people

---

Update 4:

No date, same month.

OP made a new post titled: Just now, AITA for being depressed and saying “ok” as a response to the girl who is my girlfriend again?

I’ve been feeling a bit depressed and I don’t know exactly why. My (19F) girlfriend Nikki (18F) just told me she loves me. I said “Ok”. Then she said she couldn’t wait to spend time with me and I said “Cool” because I didn’t know how to respond.

She then asked if I was alright and I told her I was depressed. She asked if she could help and I said “No but I have Max”. She said she was here for me too and I said “Ok well I know that”.

Then she apologized and I told her not to, and that it wasn’t her fault I was depressed.

---

Comments

imsufferableninja@sh.itjust.works:

Yeah man, you’re the AH. You obviously aren’t into her, you’re just stringing her along.

Edit to add: I’m not just judging from this post, but from all the posts I’ve read from the OP about this situation

How am I not into her? I’m depressed

RumorsOfLove@lemmy.dbzer0.com:

Clearly you dont feel about her the same way you feel about Max. So be honest about that if you want to be done with the drama.

I’m just depresses so I’m dry Depressed. Max is able to take care of me since i see him every day

---

OOP has not posted on this account in 5 months so I'm calling this concluded.

Reminder I am not the OOP. This is a repost community! Do NOT contact the OOP or comment on the original thread!

Am I being unreasonable holding my ground here? about a funeral

---

I am not the OOP. OOP is Vestmoria@Linux.Community do NOT reach out to them

Post was originally made to AskLemmy.

Tap for Mood Warning

Death, bad family dynamics

---

Original Post:

Aug 08, 2026

My Christian, old republican southerner father wants me to attend his Christian funeral with all of his surviving relatives present. I don’t believe in any god, he knows that. He needs a religion to give a meaning to his life? Knock yourself out.

Religion is not the main problem here. The main problem is how close minded and fake people are in a southern small town in GA and above all, relatives. 2 aunts love to pretend everything is fine, they excel doing that on funerals and weddings, then stab you in the back as soon as you’re not within ear distance, either need drama to feel important or have way too much free time.

I wouldn’t mind a small Christian ritual with my mother, my brother, a priest and nobody else, but these women and their husbands? They drag everyone down with their stupid grudges about yard sales and business deals made in the early 2020s and seem to be envious of those who left that place and found something better. Last time I saw them, 7 years ago, they complained I don’t call them. What for?

I’m better off without them and don’t have the bandwidth to deal with them.

Family seems to be an identity issue for my father, the idea that his whole family won’t bury him together scares him. I told them I will honor him my way, with luck on the hospital bed where he dies or at home, that mother and brother are welcome to honor him with me, that I won’t attend a funeral with people I don’t like but he is not listening: he is now retorting to manipulate me (it would be so good, wouldn’t it be nice…?)

My father is not cognitively impaired. The easy way out would be to tell him ‘sure, I’ll come to your funeral with all those assholes you care so much about’ and after he dies, ignore it. I suspect my mother would agree, because she wasn’t born in GA and these aunts always felt superior to her, something my father always downplays because ‘we’re family’.

I like treating my father like an adult and want genuine conversations with him. To me, placating him on a thing like this means accepting my father has become a 5 year old who needs to be lied to so he doesn’t start feeling sad or feels I’m attacking him. It doesn’t feel right.

But it feels worse to pretend I respect those lying assholes or to listen to their boring life I don’t care about.

So what do I do?

---

Comments

Wewbull:

Yes. You’re being a dick.

Elephants aren’t religious (as far as I know) yet even they will gather to say goodbye to a family member. When the day comes, you’ll want to too.

RamRabbit:

You go to your father’s funeral to honor your father’s memory. He isn’t going to bar his sisters from attending his funeral, that would be wildly out of the norm. When your dad dies, go to his damn funeral. This beef you have with his sisters is immaterial.

placating him on a thing like this means accepting my father has become a 5 year old

Your father expecting you to attend his funeral is pretty fucking standard. It’s a colossally large dick move to not attend your own father’s funeral just because you have a grudge against his sisters. Be a fucking adult and bear the presence of a few people you don’t like for a few hours.

Ech:

Funerals aren’t for the dead, they’re for the living. People should feel free to commemorate or memorialize their loved ones how they see fit. Demanding they do it your way is shitty and self centered.

---

Update:

Same post, next day.

Thank you all for providing your opinion about this question. I’m contacting my mother and asking her about what she would want, I’ll follow her lead and support what she decides. As said I don’t believe she wants those toxic family members or her families around on a moment so special like saying your last goodbye to a husband. And neither do I.

I’d prefer a public funeral excluding them or conducting a small Christian ritual for family only where we can mourn him like we want but if she wants them around, so be it.

Funerals are for the living.

Thank you all.

---

Marking this ongoing since we don't know what his mother has said. Lemmy doesn't routinely get updates so, I have no idea if we will see an update.

Reminder, I am NOT OOP. Please do not harass the OOP per the rules of the community!

Dog acting weird about one breast. Am I crazy to be worried?

---

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Mari-Loki posting in r/AskDocs, thank you reddit user u/SharkEva for compiling this post

Ongoing as per OOP

Tap for Trigger/Mood Warning

It's exactly what you think, cancer. So far a happy ending as it was caught early but OOP is still waiting for a full treatment plan.

---

Original Post:

Jun 12, 2026

Female, 37, 5foot 1, 175lbs, non smoker, currently taking Mounjaro (for about a year)

I'm worried about my breast, not because I have any symptoms of an issue at all, but because my usually normal placid dog Winter has taken to sniffing, scratching, barking at and even nipping my right breast. In the 9 years I've had her she has never behaved this way. This started 3/4 weeks ago and has not let up.

It has gotten to the point where she can't sit with me or lay on the bed with me because she can't seem to keep herself from doing it. She's behaving totally normally with everyone and everything else.

We took her to the vet who said she can't find any issues with her but that her age may be contributing to a change in behaviour. The vet did not seem to think I should be worried about my health but it is worrying me that she won't stop. I've also read about cancer detection dogs and can't help my mind spiraling.

I have had no symptoms of an issue, no lumps or tenderness or anything at all in the breast.

My question is would a GP feel like I was wasting their time coming to them with this? I'm in the UK, doctors appointments are in high demand and I genuinely don't want to take a spot from someone if I'm just being paranoid about this. I also don't know if a doctor would even take me seriously.

At the same time I am concerned. Is this worth seeing someone about? Would I be laughed out of the room?

Thanks for reading!

---

Comments

questforstarfish

It's definitely going to depend on the doctor...I would personally investigate that further, but I imagine some docs might shrug it off. If it's something that's worrying you, it can never hurt to go in to your GP and let them know you're concerned! Maybe they can do a physical exam or do a test just to rule out anything abnormal. Anecdotally I have heard of cases of dogs detecting cancer or disease, but I don't think we have any research on it.

OOP: Thank you for replying. My GP is new so I'm just concerned about making him think I'm a nut lol. I am quite stressed about it so maybe my GP would understand. I have to stop go ogling stories of dogs sniffing out cancer, it's driving me more mad!

NCGranny

My German Shepherd started being obsessed with smelling my breath. I went in for routine bloodwork a few months later and my thyroid was all screwed up. Once it was straightened out, she no longer wanted to stick her snout down my throat.

marticcrn

Not a doctor (I am a nurse), I have breast cancer. Both my dog and my cat got very interested in my chest in the months before I found the lump myself. You’re 37, have some metabolic risk (Mounjaro), I’d think you could get a mammogram for whatever vague symptom, maybe including your pets indication?

livingonmain

My Australian Shepherd change in behavior around me caused me to make the doctor’s appointment that led to finding my lung cancer. He would sniff my breath then start licking my legs and feet. He had never exhibited the behavior before. Because the.tumor was so small, the chemo and radiation killed it. Six years and no reoccurrence! Sadly, though, no more foot baths from my Aussie.

I_Upvote_Goldens

I agree with everyone who is saying that this is actually worth investigating. Dogs are oddly sensitive to these things.

Anecdotally, when my daughter was the sickest she has ever been, our golden retriever slept in the hall outside of her bedroom for nearly a week. (The dog typically always slept in our room on her dog bed). It seemed like our daughter just had a minor virus, but it ended up blowing up into an ER visit. The dog knew something was up before we did. That was the only time the dog ever broke bedtime routine.

OOP: Yes I have read stories like that! That's what had me worried. They're even training dogs to detect colon cancer now. I've decided I'm going to skip the GP and pay out of pocket for an exam at a breast clinic. It isn't as expensive as I had thought and it has to be worth it for peace of mind if nothing else!

---

Update 1:

Jun 20th 2026 - 8 days later

I just wanted to post an update for anyone who commented on my previous post and was curious to know what happened.

Long story short my dog was behaving very oddly towards my right breast, no actual symptoms of anything wrong. There's more to it on my original post if you wanna see.

So I had my breast exam. I paid to have it done rather than wait as I was getting very anxious. It was an ultrasound rather than a mammogram, I'm not entirely sure why. A small solid mass was detected, right side of my right breast, sort of half way between my nipple and armpit. I am not able to feel the mass myself but the doctor could actually detect it when he physically checked my breasts.

I'm pretty shocked there is something there. Even though my dogs behaviour worried me I think I was pretty confident it was an issue with her age and not me. Doctor has said that there's no need to panic, there's a decent chance it is not something terrible but I'll know more after the biopsy which is on Tuesday.

Thank you to everyone who commented and suggested I take this seriously. Hopefully it is nothing to worry about but I'll update when I know more for anyone who wants to know.

Female, 37, 5ft, non smoker.

---

Comments

secret_tiger101

The dog is a hero

BicarbonateBufferBoy

The dogtor

---

Update:

Jul 15th, 2026 - 25 days later

Update - Cancer detection dog!

This is my second update, check my previous posts if you're curious but the short version is:

My dog was acting weird about my breast, despite no symptoms I took it seriously. Ultrasound found a small lump, had needle biopsy.

So, my results came back and I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma of the right breast. It is hormone receptor positive, and initially staged at 2A.

Ive just had a lumpectomy and they took some lymph node samples too. The oncology team are currently designing a treatment plan but it will likely involve some radiation and then HRT. They'll know more once the mass and lymph node results are back. Apparently this can change the staging depending on what the results are.

Overall I'm feeling pretty positive, I'm confident I'll get through this and I'm relived that I went to the GP rather than ignore it. I was in two minds about it, hence the initial post asking for advice, and I'm so grateful to everyone who advised me to go and get checked out.

I'm still in shock that my dog alerted me to this. You read about stuff like this, and I know dogs are incredible at all sorts, but it's still so crazy to me that my sweet, daft, loving little bug has likely saved my life! She's been so loving and attentive to me since I cane home. We've been treating her to a lot of her favourite foods, and we are taking her swimming this week which is her favourite. I've added a pic of her so everyone can see my little guardian angel ☺️ her name is Winter, she's a 9yo Japanese Akita.

Anyway just wanted to update anyone who was curious. Moral of the story: listen to your dog, listen to your gut, and go get checked out if you're worried!

Dog tax (Reddit link)

---

Comments

Medical_Madness

Good girl.

Silent_Medicine1798

She is a very good girl

ChaoticxSerenity

Perhaps even the best girl.

Different_Knee6201

I believe you mean goodest

SomethingComesHere

The goodest of all the best girls

alisgraveniI

I love this! Thank you for coming back to update us. Did you ever end up telling your doctor that you came in because of your dog’s change in behavior?

OOP: I did mention it to him yeah, but I also said I had some breast tenderness which wasn't true 😐 but I was worried he wouldn't take it seriously with no symptoms. He was dismissive about it but then found the lump so took it more seriously! My oncologist however is super interested about my dogs behaviour and has said she's heard stories from colleagues about similar things happening.

RepulsiveOlive757

This is awesome! How did she alert on you or what did she do to make you notice?

OOP: She was really weird for about a month, kept nosing my breast very hard and eventually scratching at it and even nipping me once, which she has never done. I took her to the vet before I went to my GP, who said it might be her age but did suggest I follow up with GP. She's stopped now I've had the lumpectomy which I'm taking as a good sign!

smooshybabyelephant

Fascinating! What I'm especially interested in knowing is WHY she was doing that. What was HER reason? Does cancer smell bad to dogs? How does she know it shouldn't be there? Or is it more that a foreign smell appeared, like an intruder, and she was trying to investigate?

I would look into seeing if she can be trained to do this for other people! Maybe she can screen your friends and family.

OOP: Yeah I'm wondering the same thing. She's such a sweetheart, never been even the slightest bit off with anyone or anything, but she did not like the scent of my breast! You could tell it was frustrating her, and she couldn't settle. So I'm guessing whatever the scent it, it's bad. From reading up on it, it looks like we still don't really fully understand a dogs sense of smell and how it is as good, if not better, than medical tests. A recent study apparently showed that dogs can detect bowel cancer weeks before the best medical tests. There must be some evolutionary benefit to sniffing out malignancy?

cantxtouchxthis

Did you go private for the exam and then report the findings to your doctor? How did you get them to move so quickly?

OOP: I did end up paying for it, which has been pretty pricey, but my radiation etc will be on the NHS. I could have gone through NHS for the lumpectomy but it wouldnt have been as quick, GP said two weeks, and I was so anxious I didn't think I could wait without going out of my mind! My aftercare and testing is all covered from the lumpectomy but everything after that I'll be with the NHS hospital. I just have to wait for the results of the lumpectomy and then they will be sent to the NHS multidisciplinary team. The private oncologist is writing up a proposed treatment but ultimately it'll be down to the MDT what happens next.

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I am not the OOP. This is a repost community. Please do not message the OOP.

AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Independent-State802

AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.

Originally posted to r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates Thank you Reddit user u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for compiling this story.

Tap for trigger warning

Domestic Violence, galsighting, infidelity

Tap for mood spoiler

Looking positive for now

Original Post  June 4, 2026

About a year ago, a couple (Emily (F30s) and Jake (M 30s)) moved into the house next to ours (30s). Emily and I were both pregnant at the time, with due dates a few weeks apart. We would run into each other in the neighborhood or out on the street and eventually became friendly. We texted occasionally to check in on each other during our pregnancies, and our husbands became friends as well.

For some context, Emily had a very difficult pregnancy and was on bed rest for the last month of her pregnancy before she gave birth. They moved away from their support system for Jake's job and didn't have family nearby, so I would sometimes drop off meals when I was cooking for my own family. Emily had her baby about a month before I had mine. After the babies were born, we didn't see much of each other. I invited her a few times to go for walks with the babies, but she always declined, saying the baby was fussy or napping. I figured she was just overwhelmed as a first time mom. Our husbands continued to see each other occasionally during this time.

Last week, I was out walking my baby when I ran into Jake, who was also out walking his baby. We ended up walking together and chatting for about 30 minutes. Our chat did not include anything personal; we talked about the babies, our jobs, our summer plans. When we got back to our street, the babies had woken up, so as we passed my house I asked if he wanted to come in for a coffee and let the babies play together. He thanked me for the invite and declined, saying he needed to get home because he had errands to run.

A few days later, Emily invited me over for a playdate. I accepted and even offered to bring some food for the babies because she had mentioned being nervous about introducing non-puréed foods. While the babies were playing, she suddenly said, "Jake told me you went for a walk together last week." I said yes, we ran into each other while out with the babies. She then asked, "Why did you invite him back to your house?"

I was caught off guard and tried to explain that the babies had woken up and I had meant it as a playdate. She responded that she didn't know what I was playing at, but her husband was off-limits and uninterested in case I had any ideas.

I  was in shock, so I froze up for a couple minutes. When I was able to respond, I told her it was bizarre that she would interpret a walk with her husband and an invitation for coffee and a baby playdate as anything other than innocent. I also told her that my husband was working from home that day and was in the house. I also said that I hope she heals from whatever happened in her life that made her view something so innocent as a threat. She laughed in my face and said rich coming from you, just because your husband treats you like dirt doesn’t make it okay for you to go after my husband. My jaw dropped and I just picked up my baby and left. I fucking hate myself for not giving her a piece of my mind and leaving without saying anything. But I felt like I had just been slapped. 

My husband and I have been having some serious issues. When I got home, I told him what happened and asked if he has said anything about our problems to Jake. He swore that he hasn’t but I am not sure I believe him because how else would Emily know anything? My husband then said Emily was right, that it was inappropriate to invite Jake in and my husband is now mad at ME over the whole thing. 

AITAH?

ETA: I discovered my husband was cheating on me 2 months ago.

ETA 2: I am going through some of the comments and I think I may have not explained this part well. emily didn't avoid hanging out with me or “us”. The four of us with our kids and their baby have spent time together on multiple occasions, going to the park, we have had them over, they have had us over. But always the four of us and the kids. My older child really likes Emily and Jake, they have always been nice to us. Jake and my husband hang out together alone sometimes, but Emily has always had a reason not to hang out alone with me. The other day when she invited me over was the first time we‘d had a solo playdate for the babies.

Update  June 28, 2026

I am posting this here because I posted it incorrectly on the AITA sub and I am not allowed to repost it anymore.

TW: Domestic Violence

2 months ago, I made another post on a different sub, once again seeking outside perspective about a very awkward situation that took place. You can find that post here: AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.

I came back to post an update. I think it’s a way for me to process what has happened since.

Shortly after my last post, my husband admitted that he had confided in Jake about his infidelity. He said he felt guilty and remorseful and wanted to talk it out with a friend. He claimed he didn’t realize Jake would tell Emily and that she would throw our marriage struggles in my face the way she did. He apologized for discussing our issues without my consent and promised to distance himself from them.

He also apologized again for the affair, which he swore was over. He told me the affair partner was a coworker who had since left the company. He promised he wanted to change and rebuild our relationship, so I forgave him and gave him another chance… again.

Things had been going well. My husband was attentive and loving. He was helping more at home, spending more time with the kids, and showing me affection. For a moment, it really felt like my husband had returned to me. In hindsight, though, I think it was love bombing.

Last week, I had a medical appointment that I needed to attend alone, so my husband stayed home with our baby. I was anxious because he had never been alone with the baby for that long and I wasn’t sure he would be able to put him down for his nap.

While I was sitting in the waiting room, I logged into our baby camera just to check that the baby had gone down okay.

That’s when everything began to unravel.

The baby was asleep in his crib and my husband was walking out of the room. Then I heard a woman’s voice asking if the baby was finally asleep. My husband replied confirming that he was. I couldn’t see the woman because she was outside the camera’s view, but her voice was familiar. I thought it sounded like Emily.

After my appointment, I checked our Ring doorbell recordings from that day. There she was. Emily had knocked on our door and my husband let her in minutes after I left for my appointment. She left an hour and a half later.

I was in complete shock.

When I got home, I didn’t confront my husband. I was tired of his lies and wanted the truth before saying anything. I went through our doorbell camera history and found many more instances of Emily coming over while I was gone. In one video, I saw them kissing on our front porch! I saved everything.

The next day, I messaged Jake and told him I needed to speak with him because I had bad news about my husband and his wife that I believed he deserved to know. He didn’t reply Shortly afterward, my husband called me, furious. Jake had forwarded my messages to him and warned him that I was trying to frame him and Emily. He went quiet and then ended up the call.

Later that evening, he came home late and intoxicated. He was angry and blamed me for “destroying our lives” and for trying to expose the affair. I yelled at him and then said I wanted a divorce.

He lost it. He hit me, kicked me, punched me, and he even tried to choke me. Somehow, I managed to get away from him. My 4-year-old woke up because of the screaming and commotion, so I grabbed her and ran into the bedroom and locked the door. My daughter was terrified and clinging to me while my husband banged and kicked the door, threatening to break it down. Luckily, I had my phone with me and I called 911.

The rest of the night was a blur. My husband was arrested close to midnight on a Tuesday. The entire street woke up to the sirens and confrontation with the police. I was taken to the hospital afterward because I was bleeding and covered in bruises. Our neighbourhood was shocked. We had always been the friendly, polite neighbours, and no one expected this could happen behind closed doors. I was done protecting my husband’s image. He destroyed our life, not me. When neighbours asked what happened, I told them the truth: he hurt me after I discovered he was cheating on me with Emily.

A few days later, Jake reached out to me. He was apologetic and felt responsible for not believing me when I tried to warn him. Jake told me my husband had been confiding in him about our marriage problems. According to Jake, my husband had told him that I was the one who cheated in the past, that I was unstable because of my PPD/PPA, and that I had been hurting our children. None of that is true. Jake also told me he had confided in my husband about problems in his own marriage. Looking back, it seems my husband used those vulnerabilities and the information Jake shared with him to get closer to Emily.

After everything happened, I finally called my family and told them the truth. They knew I had been struggling and distant, but they thought it was because of the PPD. They had no idea how much I had actually been carrying alone. I told them about the affair, the threats, the manipulation, and how scared and exhausted I had become. They are in my corner and they are trying to help me figure out my next steps. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel alone. 

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LanceWayne2024

I hope Emily loses her marriage

OOP

I don’t know what Jake’s plans are, but after he sent me that text, I sent him the images I had saved of Emily coming to my house at odd times and the video of them kissing. He has all the information now to make an informed decision.

At the very least, I am sure Emily is having a really hard time because she hasn’t shown her face around the neighbourhood since last Wednesday.

Master_McKnowledge

Whatever. Emily can go to hell and so can Jake. The sheer audacity of the guy to reach out to you in any other way than on his knees in shame.

OOP

My husband successfully manipulated both me and Jake, maybe even Emily.. who knows? Jake seemed very remorseful and apologetic in the text, he blamed himself for my what happened. And yeah, if he hadn’t forwarded my message, this may not have happened. But like I told Jake, my husband made the choice to physically assault me and no one is to blame for that but my husband.

~

MeadowMuffinFarms

I'm so glad you are safe. Do you have a restraining order against him? At best I think he would get supervised visits.

OOP

I do, especially because he is out on bail.

MoonButterfly1111

I never understand why people would bail out people like him.

OOP

His very wealthy parents bailed him out because he is their golden boy who can do no wrong.

THIS IS A REPOST COMMUNITY - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS

AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

This is a repost community. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/john_7292. Than you Reddit user u/BigONerd for compiling this.

Published on: r/AmIOverreacting

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 03, 2026

• Update: August 03, 2026

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Main Post

^(July 03, 2026)

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AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

So for some context my wife and i (both 29 yrs old) are both fairly religious Christians but she and her family take it more seriously than I do. Before we married we discussed that she wants a traditional marriage where she is SAHM. I would be fine with her working but I do believe a man should be a provider so this is fine with me too and that's what we've done. She said she didn't like modern men who do things like wear a baby sling or push a stroller and I was fine with that.

Our first child was born a bit over 4 yrs ago and then our second a little under 2 years later. When our kids were young I admittedly did not help with them very much. She had a lot of help from both her mom and mine, and I also was working long hours in these days. So I never changed a diaper, maybe fed them a couple of times. If I tried to step in she would generally wave me off and say I shouldn't worry about it so I didn't. Her mom actually lived with us until my youngest was about 6 months old and still visits fairly often. Her sister sometimes comes over to help too. So she definitely has her "village" so to say.

But now that the kidss are getting older and I'm working less, making more money, I honestly want to be involved more. But it's like she doesn't want me to do anything for them ever. She always brushes me off and says that's a woman's job, I shouldn't be doing that, and even that our kids shouldn't see a man picking up dirty laundry or making them snacks. I think that's weird, my parents have a traditional marriage but my dad still did stuff like that from time to time and I turned out fine. If she sees me playing with them she usually doesn't look happy and tries to distract them from it after a little while. This is getting really bothersome because those are my kids too. I would think most women would be happy their husband wants to do stuff like that.

It all kind of finally came to a final straw the other day when i had a day off work. I secretly turned off her alarm in the night so she could sleep in that morning. I woke up early, bought her some flowers and made the kids breakfast (there was some for her too when she woke up). I'm not gonna lie, we haven't had sex in awhile either and that was part of my thinking here. But I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her and a nice morning to spend with the kids and it was. I thought maybe we could all go to the park later since it was a nice day.

My wife ended up waking up around 7 AM (normally 5:30 or 6 for her) and came down to see what was going on. I could see that she was hiding her anger for the kids. She smiled and said isn't that a nice thing daddy did but the look she gave me was glaring. Then she said to my 4 year old son why don't you take your sister to watch tv. When they went to the next room she started whispering quietly at me like, what the hell were you thinking, why would you do something like that, why would you let me sleep in, do you think I'm a bad mother?

Honestly this kinda got my hackles up because I did nothing wrong here and I retorted, do you think I'm a bad father? Why do you never want me to do anything with the kids? She flat out denied it and said that is not true, she just doesn't want me overstepping in to take on women's work. It's setting a bad example and I'm acting woke (and all these other things). So I asked her what she DOES think it's okay for me to do for/with the kids and she kinda stopped for a second like she didn't really have an answer. Then she said it's a father's job to be a provider and disciplinarian.

I was like, that's it? You think I'm here to make a paycheck and yell at them if they do something bad? And she got upset and said NO it's just not my job to take over mother's roles and it makes me less of a man and her less of a woman.

At this point we were both starting to raise our voices and I looked into the next room and I was like can we please try to calm down, we don't need to scare the kids. Can you honestly explain to me why it's a problem for a father to make his kids breakfast and buy his wife flowers? But she just got more upset and said if I didn't understand then I'm not the man she married and I'm not godly.

Honestly I just gave up and went out and spent the rest of the day walking around the mall and doing some errands. I came home and the kids were in bed and she didn't speak to me and I slept in the guest bedroom. It's been a couple days now and we still haven't talked and frankly I don't even know what to say to here. The more I think about it the more upset I get. I keep trying to see it from her perspective and all I can think is maybe it wasn't right for me to change her alarm because she might have had things she wanted to do that morning but this is obviously much bigger than that.

AIO to this? Should I try to find some compromise with her or what?

 

COMMENTS

Cheap-Ad-2175

Go to marriage counseling with a counselor or y’all’s preacher. Taking care of your children is BOTH parents jobs??? Providing isn’t just shelter and food. It’s providing love, care, and support to them as well.

OOP

This is actually a great idea and I do not think our pastor will agree with her at all. So I will be interested to see how she reacts to that. I will talk to her about it thank you.

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bothfeetofftheground

This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. You sound like a dream husband. I wish I could have a day to sleep in. Moms are humans and deserve time off and personal time. And kids need to see men doing chores.

OOP

I hope I didn't make myself come off as a saint because I'm definitely not but I wanted to do something nice for my wife and kids which I rarely have had time to - and to be cut back like this over it was very hurtful.

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JuliaX1984

Just tell her that trying to tell her husband what to do isn't godly. Quote Paul's verses about how women should be quiet and never talk back to men. If she objects, she's not godly.

OOP

To be exact those verses say a woman shouldn't preach in church. She seems to think the woman is the "queen of the house." My words not hers.

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crackpotpourri

Y’all need couples therapy at a minimum. But I’m guessing she won’t think that’s very “godly.”

OOP

I am definitely going to try to get her to see our pastor for counseling. I don't think there's anyway she can disagree to that and claim not to be a hypocrite.

I would never tell my wife to shut her hole and do as I say, I am the leader of the house, that does not make her my slave.

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facinationstreet

What exactly do you think we can tell you? You married this. You agreed to this idiocy. You had kids with this. Wait until you get divorced. Shit will hit the fan. Homeschooling (handicapping) your kids, no outside people, etc. Ya'll just baffle me.

NOR but get your life together for your kids if for no one else.

OOP

I agreed to a traditional marriage with the one my parents had in mind, where my dad was a good dad and played with us, chatted with us, took us to soccer practice and fun things like fairs, taught us things, showed good values, cleaned up after himself, even made dinner sometimes, and my mom was a SAHM. I did not agree to this. We also are not homeschooling.

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ConsciousNectarine9

NOR

I think she has gone waaaaayyy past the old 'traditions'. She is pushing you out of your childrens lives on the excuse of 'it's not manly'. Well I am sorry but even back in the day a lot of dad's would do things with their children and those who didn't... their kids 9 times out of 10 would have grown up resenting them.

You need to have a long, hard think about what you want your role to be with your children. If you want to be able to actually care for them, bond with them and for them to actually have you as part of their everyday lives instead of just being the 'bad' parent/paycheck you will have to leave this marriage. You will never be given that place in your childrens lives as long as you are together with your wife.

OOP

I agree, it's like she wants me to be the stereotypical absent father who never sees their kids. I didn't think anyone ever thought that was alright even back in the day.

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camioblu

Make an appointment with your pastor and see what the religion you follow says about all of this nonsense. She's got some control and trust issues for sure. Was she ever abused by a man?

OOP

I think her father was abit of an asshole but he died 15 or so years ago so I don't know firsthand. I will definitely be making a counseling appointment with our pastor thank you.

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Alert-Beautiful9003

Wut? You were a lazy dad/husband and she thinks she can control her feels by micromanage ans controlling everything. Both of you need to get some help for yourselves and especially for the kids.

OOP (downvoted)

Please understand that back when our kids were babies I was working anywhere from 70-80 hours a week to keep our family a float and out of debt. I am trying not to get defensive in this thread but I do not like being called lazy, we were both working hard, and she had help at home in her mom, my mom and her sister.

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bmyst70 (downvoted)

YOR

Yes, your wife is very extreme and rigid in her beliefs. Agreed 100%. But you knew this before you married her. Therefore, you are firmly over-reacting. She made very clear SHE was the only one to ever be involved with the kids.

If she suddenly showed you this side abruptly I would agree with you 100%. However, this is very clearly her hill to die on and she will not compromise with you on this. If you try interacting with the kids in any way, it will get worse.

Bluntly put if you truly want more interaction with the kids, you have to divorce her and push very hard for split custody. That will of course put more responsibility on you, and yes it is indeed the nuclear option for your marriage. Decide if you want that or not. If not, don't ever interact with the kids again. Otherwise, get ready for divorce court.

OOP

Did she make this clear before we married? Well, she said she wanted a traditional marriage. I definitely had my parents' marriage in mind when she said that. My mom is a SAHM. My dad did not push a stroller or wear a baby sling (though my mom didn't do the baby sling either). He is definitely a masculine man who would think that's weird. But he also was an involved father and I have so many happy memories of him when I was younger that I'm afraid my kids won't have with me.

I do not believe in jumping to divorce and that would make things way worse. I don't want to have them part time or never. I don't have literally zero interaction with them now, I see them and talk to them every day. She just doesn't want me "doing" things for them that she sees as her job. I still do sometimes but she pushes back on it and she's become harsher on that when she does.

What I want is for her to open her mind to the idea that this is not traditional marriage and a father can be more involved with his kids. And I want to understand what is going on to make her like this because it is hurtful and seems like more than just a misapplied belief at this point.

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bubonis

Since both of you are so entrenched in your religion, naturally you’re both going to want to discuss your marital issues with your priest like all good Catholics do.

OOP

We are not Catholic, not sure where you got that idea, we are nondenominational Christian.

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Update - after 1 month

^(August 03, 2026)

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Update to AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

About a month ago I posted on here about my relationship with my wife and how she is trying to keep me from raising my kids. Thanks everyone to responded to my first post and sorry I didn't reply to everyone. There were a lot more responses than I expected. If you want details you can see the post in my profile. Unfortunatley things have taken a turn for the worst. There is a TLDR at the bottom if you scropp down.

A lot of things happened since my last post. I told my wife I wanted to go to counseling with our pastor. She immediately agreed and I could tell she thought he would agree with her on this issue.

The counseling appointment did not go as she expected. When we got there he let us both say our peace first. She said in sum that I was trying to usurp our godly roles as man and wife. She did not get into detailed specifics about the kids. I said I was trying to be a better husband and father and that my wife seemed to have a problem with me interacting with my children.

He asked me some pretty pointed questions about myself as a husband. Am I working hard and providing, yes, am I cheating, drinking, gambling, no. Do I yell and scream, swear, break things, do I hit her or the kids? No. Do I stay out all night, do I run away on fishing trips. No, none of that. At this point he's looking at my wife and asks her if she has anything to add to that? She says not really. I put in that I think I am upholding my marital covenant as a man and provider.

Pastor didn't say anything about that but kept talking to my wife. He started to get some real concrete details out of her. She reaffirmed this is not a situation of abuse or cheating. She said it was effeminate for me to do women's chores and pick up after our kids, make them meals, etc. Not biblical. Etc. Pastor kindly told her there is nothing unbiblical about that, but does she feel like less of a woman if she can't do 100% of those things? She agreed to that. He then started to talk about biblical womanhood and feeling feminine before God, and saying he thinks what we need to do is help my wife feel more womanly in general so these activities won't feel like a threat to her. And basically that everything will be OK if we add more romance to our marriage.

At this point I was relieved and felt like things were going well. But almost immediately I could tell my wife was unhappy. She started arguing back with the pastor on Adam and Eve and all this. He is a pretty chill guy and he stayed calm and said he basically said as a spiritual leader he wanted to guide our marriage back to happiness and could she please at least give his suggestions a try and see how she feels about it, and we can talk about it again next week. He pointed to some Bible verses about fatherhood and some ones about women doing "manly" things like running a business, to say this isn't all black and white. My wife begrudgingly agreed with him but I could tell she was still upset.

He has a drawer full of papers with couple's activities in them and he pulled out a few that he said would be good for us. My wife took hers but didn't read it. Awkward car ride home. Pastor told us not to immediately talk about the appointment because it leads to fighting but we didn't have much else to say to each other that evening. We were supposed to have another appointment in 2 weeks. Wife was pretty passive aggressive that night. But over the next week she started to be a little nicer and more relaxed and I thought maybe she had read some of the materials the pastor gave us (I did read mine). I suggested we do an "us day" which is one of the suggestions the pastor had given us and we agreed to send the kids to my parents a day that weekend (shocker, I'm sure my dad probably helped out with them while they were there).

Well that day ended up being the worst day of my life probably. At first things were nice, I planned everything as the worksheet suggested, made her a nice breakfast, had plans in the afternoon to take her to get her nails done and walk along the lake front which is a date we used to do when we were first dating. But that didn't end up happening because that morning we started talking about some of the big themes of our relationship and our values and goals (again as pastor suggested).

I told her I wanted a loving relationship with a woman I could adore and trust, who has the brains and values to nurture our kids into great adults, who loves me and is there for me, and I would always be there for her. Basically thinking of my mom and dad. But her answer was completely focused on kids. She always wanted kids, she wanted to be a great mother, she wanted a good and trustworthy father to her children. I definitely noticed this and pressed a little harder to ask well what about your husband, what about me? What kind of romance or relationship do you want? She kept deflecting and saying these things aren't as important when you're an adult, past a certain age it's all about your duty to your kids. I disagree with that and plus we are 29, we're still young, we should still have romance and passion and sex!

So at this point she obviously got VERY annoyed that I brought up sex and was rolling her eyes and saying like "oh so that's what this is really about." I tried really hard to say calm and tell her well no it's not what it's about but yeah that's a factor in our relationship, I want intimacy and don't you? She kept deflecting and she started to get upset like in a hurt/scared way. I was asking her - are you not attracted to me? Are you just not interested in sex, are you asexual? No. I don't even remember how it got to this point but finally she ended up blurting out that she's not interested in sex WITH MEN.

Obviously I was stunned. And this is where it all started to come out. Literally I guess. She kind of tried to backpedal but I asked her directly, are you telling me you're a lesbian? And she couldn't deny it. She didn't say yes or no but she started talking about gender roles and how important it is for children to have male and female role models so that they grow up into proper men and women and not confused about sex or stuck in sexual sin. And I asked her again directly to clarify: you are telling me that you're a lesbian and you married me in a marriage with gender roles so that your kids wouldn't end up gay?

She started crying and yelling at me...like... I don't know how lonely it is and she shouldn't be denied a proper married life just because of her sexual sins, she's repented and God will forgive her as long as she keeps working on being a good wife to a man. And all of this is because her father was a shit dad and died when she was young and that's why our kids need to see a real man in their lives.

Well that was a couple weeks ago and as you can imagine the last few weeks have been hell. There is no way I'm staying with her and I've just been talking to a divorce lawyer and trying to figure out how this will work. And also frankly just crying a lot which I guess is un manly so we never would have worked out anyway. I'm staying with my parents because I don't think the kids should see us interacting this way but my lawyer told me I should move back or get a custody order so I need to work on that now. I'm just frankly so numb and I can't believe someone I loved would do this to me.

So that's the update, I wasn't sure if I was going to write this but honestly hearing how crazy she was helped me the first time and I think it will help me again, but I don't think I"m going to keep posting more from here. I would appreciate any advice or perspective on if I am overreacting by not wanting to move back home or be around her and trying to get a 50/50 custody order instead.

TLDR: Wife and I went to pastoral counseling for our marriage, didn't work, wife admitted she is a lesbian and used me to get her fantasy dream life of Christian husband and babies.

 

COMMENTS

Bynming

NOR. I'd be surprised if none of that insanity showed up in any way before having children and marrying.

OOP

I am certainly reflecting on a lot of things about our relationship and wish I had been less blind overall. To be honest I never had the best luck with women before her and maybe the first red flag should have been that this pretty, nice christian girl wanted to be with me

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Neither-Lie-4029

Well damn. At first I was gonna say, let the woman do woman shit. Better for you. Just go work come home and chill. Let her wash, cook, clean and smash you. Why would that bother you? After reading the end. Idk what to say to you. Sorry about that fam. Good luck, get her to have a threesome I guess ?

OOP

You seem immature, I'm happy to leave domestic work to wife while I work full time but she was keeping me away from my kids and that was the issue here.

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andrey_not_the_goat

I don't understand why you thought the pastor was the right place for you to have counseling?

OOP

Well for one it's free, we both trust my pastor, I knew she would agree to see him, I knew he was not going to agree I shouldn't help raise my children, and what do you think he did wrong in this situation?

andrey_not_the_goat

Because it literally offers no proper outlook. He's biased, and will always take your wife's side.

OOP

He didn't though....did you read the post?

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No-Suit8587

Your wife’s a lunatic run and take the kids as fast as u can

OOP

My lawyer advised me it's highly unlikely I will get full custody as her gender views don't come into whether she is a fit parent legally speaking. I will be looking for 50/50 immediately.

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Regular-Tell-108

NOR.

When people like me talk about how sexism and homophobia are bad for everyone — including men and straight people — this is part of what we mean. Your wife’s deeply ingrained self-loathing and adherence to imaginary but strict gender roles had caused enormous and unnecessary pain for a whole family.

OOP

I never could have imagined she took it this far. I would never advocate anyone to deny who they are and get in a sham marriage even if I'm not into gay pride and all that.

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DollySheep32

INFO - how supportive/accepting is your pastor and church of LGBTQ people? I'm guessing not very since wife felt she had to use OOP as a non-consenting beard.

OOP

We promote traditional marriage, two genders, heterosexuality as ideal. Some of our church friends have had gay kids and there are varying degrees of acceptance on that. My wife grew up not really being very religious until her dad died and I think she and her mom go overboard to compensate in a way.

Diddly_eyed_Dipshite

How would you react if one of your kids tells you they're gay?

OOP

I would not necessarily be happy about that but I would love them nonetheless. It's not something I can control. I would just hope they keep a relationship with Christ no matter what.

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Tree_Color_Wizard

Obviously you are going to get divorced. That's just something to accept now and allow yourself to grieve.

But your wife has been a friend and co parent to you. She has probably seen you through some hard times. As her friend, please encourage her to accept and love herself. To be true to her feelings. It will affect your kids in harmful ways if she keeps repressing her real feelings. It's in everyone's best interests for her to accept that she's gay and live honestly. Or at least for her to find a healthy version of a lavender marriage lol. But find it in your heart to take it easy on her. I know that might be really hard right now but being closeted and repressed fucking sucks.

Find yourself a therapist who is familiar with queer dynamics that can help you process this and maybe help you find a way to be supportive.

So sorry, hope you and your kids are okay.

OOP

As a Christian I want to be compassionate and hope I can grow toward more of that in the future but right now all I can think about is her lying to me and using me for almost 7 years. I was just a puppet with sperm to her. I will be praying for her and hope God gives me the grace to forgive her.

---

SavageRabbitX

Dude that is fucking rough. You have my sympathy. Id be going full scorched earth if I was you so your a better man than me. What do you thinks gonna happen when people find out why you are divorcing?

OOP

I don't know, I told my parents but we aren't exactly going to spread it around, she will probably make up whatever she wants because she knows I'm not going to go telling everyone she's a lesbian... hopefully we can both just say it was irreconcilable differences and leave it at that

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Just_Log_8528

Bigger question for you is do you believe that the issue is your wife’s a lesbian or a religious fanatic? Your romantic relationship is pretty clearly dead but coparenting is going to force you to some uncomfortable paths

OOP

Not sure what you mean by that, they're both issues. I can't be married to a lesbian, so that's an issue, and her trying to keep me from raising my kids or teaching them her insane warped version of Christianity is another issue. For my lawyer or for custody it's not about her religion or sexual orientation, it's solely about her keeping me from the kids which is why he wants me to move back ASAP, so yeah that's definitely uncomfortable.

 

---

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Please remember to follow the rules.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP) Thank you Reddit user u/BigONerd for compiling this story

OOP: u/throwra26024

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 29, 2026

• Final Update: August 01, 2026

---

Main Post

^(July 29, 2026)

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I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

I 28F got divorced about three months ago, and my 30M best friend was there for me throughout the whole thing. We’ve actually been best friends since childhood and have always been really close.

We hang out a lot, go out randomly, try new restaurants, and sometimes I’ll cook and invite him over. We’ve always had this kind of friendship, so none of it ever felt unusual to me.

Just 2 days ago, he asked me to go with him to try a new restaurant, and everything seemed completely fine. Then yesterday, I called him and told him I’d made enough food for both of us and asked if he wanted to come over since he lives nearby. (We’ve done this many times before, so I didn’t think much of it)

But his response completely caught me off guard. He said he wasn’t "in the mood for this lately" and then added "I’m not your husband". I honestly don’t understand where that came from. I wasn’t asking him for a favor or expecting him to do anything for me. I was just inviting him to dinner like I normally would.

I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer. I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone, so I decided to give him some space.

Now I’m just confused and wondering if I somehow crossed a boundary without realizing it, What did he mean by "I’m not your husband"?

 

COMMENTS

Both-Enthusiasm708

Does he have a gf? He could either think you developed feelings, he developed feelings, his gf doesn't like the interactions, or since the divorce you have been relying on him more then usual and he got tired.

OOP

No he’s single. And I really wouldn’t say I’ve been relying on him more since the divorce. I barely talked to him about it because I don’t like burdening him with my problems or unnecessary drama. If anything, we’ve actually been hanging out more lately, and we’ve always invited each other over for food, so inviting him to dinner felt completely normal to me.

PolitelyHostile

The last time you two hung out, did you talk about some other guy you're into or talk about dating in general?

OOP

No, we didn’t talk about another guy or dating in general. The only thing remotely related was that he asked me something along the lines of "If your husband came back, apologized, and realized he’d lost a good woman, would you take him back?" That was pretty much it.

I told him I’m trying to move on and honestly can’t even think about something like that right now.

---

fluffybottompanda

you were thinking about going to his house??

OOP

Here's what I said: I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone.

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Professional-End347

I think he meant to say - “ Im not your husband so you dont have to cook for me . Im not your husband so I don’t NEED to eat your boring home cooked food”

He is saying that he prefers to be a friend and have fun times with you, eat out , hang etc.

Its also possible that one of his male friends got to his head … and indicated that bro you hang with her at her home and eat home cooked food? Are you like playing husband with her ? A dumb comment can impact a man’s mind if he is conflicted about you.

Give him space , be kind to him, if you are interested in him, wait for him to approach. If he doesn’t respect him and if he does, pick up signals quickly and reciprocate to avoid drama

OOP

Thanks for your perspective, I really appreciate it. And I do love him, but only as a friend. I’m not interested in him romantically, otherwise I definitely would’ve mentioned that in my post. That’s why his comment confused me so much. From my side, I was genuinely just inviting my best friend over for dinner like I’ve done many times before.

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FindingHerStrength (downvoted)

Are you going to ask him to elaborate. We’re just assuming. Why not ask him outright for clarity?

OOP

I already mentioned why:👇🏻 I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer.

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Final Update - after 3 days

^(August 01, 2026)

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Update: I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

Hi, first of all thanks everyone for your perspectives on my original post. I wanted to give an update now that I finally have some clarity.

As I mentioned in my original post, I called him once after he told me "I’m not your husband" but I didn’t hear anything from him after that, until he showed up at my apartment.

He looked really ashamed and nervous. He started by apologizing and then we sat down and talked about what happened. He explained that he wasn’t the one who came up with that comment, It was a woman he’s been seeing recently, and she’s the one who told him what to text me.

This honestly surprised me. As I mentioned before, we’ve been best friends since childhood and we basically tell each other everything, but he had never mentioned this woman to me before.

Anyway I told him that if I had known he was seeing someone, I wouldn’t have agreed to go to that new restaurant with him in the first place, and I probably wouldn’t have invited him over for dinner either. If she’s uncomfortable with the way we interact, then I don’t want to knowingly cross that line or make things harder for them.

He apologized again and explained that things are still new with her, and that he he was planning to tell me once things became more serious between them.

He also kept asking me whether the text had hurt me and whether I thought he should end things with her. I told him no but I think we should set some boundaries going forward (to respect her wishes because I wouldn’t want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable).

He disagreed and said that he doesn’t think we’re doing anything wrong and that he’d rather things stay the same between us. He ended up staying for a few hours and we talked about everything, but he seemed really conflicted about the whole situation.

As for me, I’ve decided to take a small step back anyway. I’m going to try to cut down on how often we go out and hang out, and I’m also going to stop our habit of eating at each other’s homes for now.

I love him as my best friend, but I don’t want our friendship to get in the way of him having a healthy relationship.

 

COMMENTS

Ilovewally

I get it, you’re trying to take the higher road, but this woman he is seeing sounds a bit jealous and territorial if you ask me

stupidpoopoohead00

im lowkey skeptical about her saying any of this. seems all we have abt her is what he says and he clearly has feelings for OP

Necessary_Tap343

And OP saying she wasn't hurt his a very obvious lie.

OOP

I didn’t say no to that. I said no when he asked if I thought he should end things with her.

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Icy_Guard_8216

Do you have feelings for him?

OOP

I already answered this in my post. I’ve always seen him as my best friend, nothing more. And I’m the one who suggested putting some boundaries in place once I found out he was seeing someone, because I don’t want our friendship to interfere with his relationship. I don’t think I’d be doing that if I had romantic feelings for him.

Antique_Teaching_333

Or you are trying to protect yourself from becoming more attached as he is seeing someone. I'm not saying you do have feelings, but creating boundaries isn't necessarily a sign they aren't there.

Aren't you hurt he didn't tell you about her and that he sent the text to begin with because of "her"? Why would it be wrong to go out to dinner with a friend and inviting them over. Why would that be inappropriate if you are just friends?

OOP

I get what you mean, but I wouldn’t say there’s anything inappropriate with two friends going out to dinner or inviting each other over. It’s just different now that I know the woman he’s seeing is uncomfortable with it. At this point, it’s not really about me and him, It’s about being considerate of her feelings. I’m a woman too and if I were in her position, I wouldn’t want another woman knowingly doing something that made me uncomfortable.. I don’t have to see things the way she does to respect her feelings.

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unzunzhepp

Plot twist: that woman doesn’t exist and he wanted to make you jealous.

OOP

I really hope that’s not the case because I trust him completely. If I found out he made all of this up just to make me jealous, I honestly wouldn’t even know how to process it. I don’t think I could see our friendship the same way again.

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Throw_RA099

Just imagine this. We see this kind of post on reddit every day. 

If your friend or his girlfriend came to this sub and posted that you invited your friend out for a 1 v 1 dinner, there would be almost unanimous comments that this kind of things is out of bounds and inappropriate, and that his girlfriend would feel right to be insecure and would be advising her to break up with your friend.

I don't think you did anything wrong here as it seems that your friend was communicating poorly, but just something to consider and keep in mind moving forward. If you're going to invite your friend somewhere, invite his SO too.

OOP

I know, but he never told me he’d been seeing someone lately.

 

---

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Neighbors who use you for free childcare

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is WineyPrincesss. She posted in r/neighborsfromhell

Thank you to Reddit user u/LucyAriaRose for compiling this and their thanks is: Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec!

Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is over 7 days old.

Tap for mood spoiler

happy ending I guess, but confusing, frustrating and weird

Original Post: August 2, 2025

Our new neighbors moved in this past winter, so we’ve known them for maybe three months. At first, everything was great. They seemed friendly, and our kids (along with the other neighborhood kids) got along well. Our neighborhood has this informal setup where the kids “yard hop,” and we all take turns supervising. It’s been a really fun, communal vibe...until recently. The dynamic completely changed when the wife returned to work from maternity leave. It became immediately clear that the husband cannot handle both of their kids on his own, especially their older child (age 4).

Here’s what keeps happening: within minutes of getting home, he finds whatever neighbor child is outside and dumps his 4-year-old with them — no heads-up, no check-in with the adult at home, no offer to return shortly or hang around. He’ll say something vague like “I need to check on the baby” and then disappear for 1–2 hours.

I’m not exaggerating. He’s literally opened my closed backyard gate, sent his child in, and walked past me on the porch without saying a single word — leaving me to supervise without ever asking if that’s okay. My problem with this is that their child isn’t self-sufficient like the other neighborhood kids. They still need help using the bathroom, getting dressed, eating snacks, riding a bike, etc. I don’t mind helping kids in general — but helping someone else’s 4-year-old with personal care like bathroom use or dressing? That crosses a line IMO. Still, the dad acts like I’m just expected to do it. He’s told his child to go inside MY house to get a snack or use the bathroom, saying I’LL help, again, without asking. (I’ve started telling them to go find their dad if they need these things—I can be passive aggressive too, dude).

That’s not even the half of it. The parents regularly invite themselves over. They help themselves to food and drinks from our patio during our family pool nights (Fridays are kind of our thing with pizza and swimming). I explained multiple times that it’s a potluck-style situation and everyone brings something, but they continue to show up empty-handed and eat whatever’s available.

And the pool situation? Every single time we swim, they send their child over in a swimsuit. No asking. No checking if it’s okay. They just open the gate and in their child comes. We’ve sent them back to get an adult, but when the dad finally does show up, he plops on a deck chair, stares at his phone, and still doesn’t watch. Meanwhile, their child needs constant assistance in the pool, which makes it impossible for us to properly supervise our own slightly older (but still non-touching) kids. Our kids can swim without floaties and need close supervision as well, but their kid is hanging all over us demanding our undivided attention the entire time.

We’ve tried setting firm limits, like saying “no swimming today” when we’re hosting a family-only event. Their child throws a huge meltdown. And suddenly we’re the villains for not letting someone else’s kid crash our pool party.

I’m exhausted. I didn’t sign up to be their free babysitter, lifeguard, snack provider, and summer camp coordinator. My subtle boundary-setting has been completely ignored. I’ve tried being polite, but it’s not working. I don’t want to cause drama or burn bridges. They’re going to be here long-term and our kids will likely go to school together. But I now hide inside when they’re outside because I just can’t deal with them anymore and my summer is being tainted because they have no boundaries.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How do I set stronger boundaries without creating a huge neighborhood feud?

Edit: Our pool is locked at all times unless we are in it. When I say gate it means our yard gate not the pool gate, it seems that part was confusing. We always lock our pool!

Some of OOP's Comments:

Glittering-Set-2510: Talk to the wife, Does she know her husband is dumping the 4yo on you?

OOP: Doubt it, she works 12 hour shifts and is exhausted when she gets home. I don’t see much of her until the weekend. I don’t know how to approach it tbh.

Knitsanity: (Top Comment) I am sorry but this whole situation hinges completely and utterly on you. You need to say no. You need to take the kid back to Dad every time. You need to put a lock on your gate.

You are old enough to have a house and children. Use your words. Do you really care if the moochers are mad at you? Are any of the other neighbors tired of being used?

The wandering in on Friday empty handed? No way.

OOP: We’ve talked to a few other neighbors and they are annoyed he disappears for hours and their kid is at their house need all this extra attention. They don’t have the pool issues because we’re the only one with a pool.
I’ve started saying no, thought I made that clear in my post but thanks for your very kind words. This went on for about a month until I started to shut it down. But it isn’t the KID’S fault and they shouldn’t be shunned or not able to play because their dad can’t be a parent for a few hours after work. I’m not cool with punishing a kid for their parent’s choices. So when they need help, I send them to their dad. Period.

In response to a longer Comment:

lol my parents said to lock the gate too, it’s wrought iron so I’d have to get a padlock for it. Not against the idea but don’t know if I’m ready for that level of petty but I’m here for it in the future!
Love how you worded the feedback for the parents. Putting that in my back pocket for sure! I don’t have their email but I guess I could text the wife that. I want it to seem natural and not out of the blue so I’ll waiting for the next time we swim, which will probably be later today or tomorrow!

OOP adds:

We have backyard camera and lock is on pool at all times.

Where they live:

We 100% live in the Midwest, we grew up around here and the neighborhood dynamic (yard hopping) is what kids do. It’s wild to me the people that are appalled by this because this is the norm where I’m from. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mini Update Comment: August 3, 2025 (Next Day)

They f’d off this weekend thank goodness. We’ve been swimming all day! I’m looking forward to them coming home and me telling them it’s a family day and they can’t. That’s my new answer every time now. Also considering a privacy fence for next summer.

Mini Update Comment: August 21, 2025 (19 days from OG post)

Any update?

Not much, really. The neighbor husband finally upset my husband enough to cut relationship ties (that’s a whole other loooong story). We’re cordial with them but every time they ask to swim our answer is either not today or we invite family over and say it wouldn’t be appropriate for them to crash. The past few weeks we’ve either been out of town or they have so we haven’t had much chance to confront anyone, I don’t think it’s necessary at this point tbh. They seem to have gotten the message since they royally pissed my husband off and have backed off a lot since then.

I was supposed to have a “play date” with just the wife and was planning on talking to her then but she canceled last minute and we haven’t rescheduled. (The play date was her idea, I was confused as to why a scheduled play date was necessary when my kids are always outside and she can just send her kid out to play too but whatever)

So unfortunately, no drama (yet). We always have a bit showing for Halloween in our neighborhood and my family basically tailgates in our garage as we pass out candy, I’m interested to see if they try to crash it (which the answer will be no). Hopefully my rbf and our lack of being overly friendly gives them a “f off” vibe by then. Knowing her, she’ll passive aggressively text me if something is wrong before then and this time I won’t hold back.

Stay tuned. I’ll update if anything happens.

Mini Update Update: October 10, 2025 (2 months from OG post)

No dramatic update unfortunately. We stopped having them over and told them no when they’d ask to swim. I’d send their kid back if they asked for help with something or needed anything. The message seemed to be received that we were done with their bs and we basically ignored each other for months. They barely came outside during that period of time so it wasn’t like we went out of our way to ignore them, we’d wave but that’s it.

I just had my first cordial conversation with them over the weekend, actually. I hadn’t spoken more than a “hello” to them since August prior to that. With our pool now closed, my point of contention with them has eased but it took time for me to be even friendly towards them again. The wife got a new job where she’s home earlier so that helped with the dad problem. They are definitely people that use others for their own advantage and I see that now, won’t be sucked into that again next summer.

Update Post: July 15, 2026 (Just shy of 1 year from OG post)

It’s been a year and I am happy to say the neighbors finally got the hint! (Kind of, it took some time and not so subtle f-off vibes)

It all really came to a head in October, Halloween, specifically. Halloween is always a big event at our house. My family comes over to pass out candy, and cousins join us for trick-or-treating, so there are always a lot of people, food, and chaos.

The neighbors came over completely uninvited. The husband said his kid wanted to say hi. Fine, whatever. I turned around and caught him helping himself to the pizza on our food table, feeding not only his kid but himself. I was already in a terrible mood for unrelated reasons, so I sarcastically said, “Make yourself at home, why don’t you?” He left shortly after, but then the wife wandered over...and started eating our food too! That was it, I was done. You show up to a family gathering you weren’t invited to and then start eating someone else’s food? Who does that?

Fast forward to early May. After months of zero contact and absolutely no effort on our part to be friendly, I was in the backyard alone with my kids. My husband’s hobby keeps him away most Sunday afternoons, and my neighbors know that. The kids were playing while I was doing work related things on my laptop at the patio table. Our yards are separated by 4-foot fences because of city ordinances, so I could see the rude neighbors in their yard as well.

I loudly reminded my kids they needed to stay in our yard because I had to get dinner started soon and wanted to keep an eye on them. Not even two minutes later, I looked up and saw the husband...standing in my backyard. He had simply opened our fence gate and walked in with his kid.

No “Hi.” No “Is this okay?” Nothing.

He just stood there about three feet away from me while his kid played. I was completely speechless and incredibly uncomfortable. I didn’t like that this man felt comfortable enough to walk in a person’s yard uninvited. One who knew my husband wasn’t home, he never does this crap when my husband is there, or at least isn’t so creepy about it. Thankfully, my youngest got hurt after about three minutes and came crying over to me. They left shortly afterward, and my husband got home not long after that. The first thing I told him was to bungee our fence gate shut on their side. We can’t permanently lock the gate because our fertilizer company comes whenever they feel like it without giving us any notice, but a bungee cord does the job well enough.

The following Sunday, he tried it again. He walked over to the gate, stopped when he saw the bungee cord, and then turned around. Instead, he took his kid to the front of the house, and the whole family went for a walk. I was left in peace and he hasn't tried it since!

About a week later, the wife texted asking if I’d like to meet for coffee soon. I politely declined meeting somewhere and told her that if there was something she wanted to chat about, we could just have coffee in our own backyards.

I immediately told my husband, “Pool season is coming. I bet she suddenly wants to be friends so we’ll invite them over to swim.” She never followed up. Never came over. Never tried to have the conversation. I’m outside with the kids every single day, there’s been plenty of opportunities to chat. She just gets out of her car and goes inside her house without saying anything. Fine with me.

Honestly, I’m not interested in hearing whatever she had to say, so I let it go and put the ball in her court.

She’s only reached out one other time since. It started with, “How are you guys doing with this heat wave?” small talk and quickly turned into, “Can I ask you for a favor?” It wasn’t anything but texting her some school information, but I should’ve seen that coming.

They’re users. They only invest in relationships when there’s something in it for them. That isn’t going to be us. They only want the “it takes a village” community if they benefit from it, not contributing anything at all on their end.

Now we’re in the pool almost every day. They either close their blinds whenever we’re outside or come out to water their plants while glaring at us the entire time.

I don’t care anymore about being neighborly to them. There was a point where we seriously considered moving because I dreaded what our future summers would be like. Then we decided we weren’t going to spend our summer living in fear of our neighbors. Turns out...they’ve done nothing.

My favorite part, though?

They bungeed their gate too.

Bro...we’re not the ones walking into other people’s backyards uninvited. Is that supposed to send us a message? It makes me laugh every time I go water the plants on that side of the yard. 😂

So that’s the one-year update.

For now, it seems the message has finally been received and I can relax in my yard in peace. I’m not dumb, though, summer isn’t over and I’m keeping my head on a swivel.

Some of OOP's Comments:

More clarification because there were so many comments:

We have an above ground pool with a locked gate. My 4 foot fence is my yard fence, not pool fence.
Our yard and pool are code complaint. 😊
To another commenter:
I merely mentioned the fact that our fence was 4 foot tall to emphasize the fact that we can see our neighbors every time we’re outside and vice versa. Thank you for your concern but we passed all code inspections for our set up.
To another commenter:
City code doesn’t allow for 6ft fences in my town, unfortunately. Price is not the problem, ordinance is. I would happily pay for it if we could!

KnownBodybuilder4948: I'd plant some nice landscape screening along that common fence line. Fast-growing lilac bushes, dwarf fruit trees, whatever.

OOP: Thank you! We talked about this! There’s some sort of arborvitae species that grows fast that we’ve talked about planting as well. It’s on the list! ☺️
OOP adds:
We’ve also joked about putting an addition on that side of the yard. A 4 seasons room or something to block their view of the patio area at least. Ideas are brewing over here!

-DeathBySnuSnu-: What does the dynamic look like with the other neighbors now?
Do you still kinda rotate watching each other’s kids? Or is that kinda ruined now because you don’t want to encourage the hell neighbor to drop their kid off too?

OOP: The only mom that still talks to them is across the street but she has ties to the schools here and feels she has to be nice for her job (her words). I get it, that would suck. The other kids in the neighborhood are 3-5 years older than their kids and don’t care much because their kids are much younger. My kids play with their kids occasionally in the front yard but they honestly never come outside anymore.
The yard hopping still happens but it is much less than last year which is a bummer. The kids are also older and ride their bikes to other streets to see their friends now, or are in summer programs/sports so that plays into it too.

b7lasagne: *(heavily downvoted- I'm including because of OOP's responses)*The problem is you women communicate with hints. Fuck that. Say what you want to say.

OOP: And as women we have to be careful what we say and who we say it to. We never know how you men will react to our precious feelings. Should I have screamed at a man who is much larger than me standing in my yard uninvited when my husband wasn’t home and he knew it? Smh, you don’t think about this stuff but we do. All the time because that’s how we have to think.

b7lasagne: You neednt get into a physical nor screaming match. A simple excuse me i dont appreciate you walking into our yard uninvited would suffice

OOP: I explained to a previous poster I was so flabbergasted that he was in my yard in the first place, it took some time to properly formulate words so they wouldn’t have come out sarcastic or with an impatient (or outright mean) tone because that’s how done I was with him at that point. My kid then got hurt and the moment was over and they left while I was consoling my child.
It’s easy for you to analyze from the outside, not so simple to do in that moment, which was a total of 2-3 whole minutes. But before you come at me with the “you women” comments, please think about how that would look or feel from a woman’s perspective. I’m a small woman who has been raised in a world where we have to be careful around men because you don’t know how they’ll react to the word “no”.

Top Comment:

Coquitlam444: Of course they bungeed their gate too 🤦‍♀️

Title: Ex wants to take our child abroad. I am not comfortable with the location they have chosen.

I am NOT OP. OP is u/own-county-569 and thank you to Reddit user u/sharkeva for putting this together

Originally Posted to: Reddit's r/legaladviceuk Jul 26, 2026**

Trigger Warning

Possible child abduction

Original Post: Jul 26, 2026

Ex wants to take our child abroad with their new partner. Child is 11.

I have never objected to any holidays preciously, but the locations involved in this holiday are making me extremely concerned as a parent.

Am I able to block our child from leaving?

I currently have her passport, but my ex and her new partner are demanding I turn it over on Tuesday evening. I do not wish to do so unless the holiday locations are changed to somewhere in Europe or another MEDC.

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Relevant Comments:

Commenter 1: Where do they want to take them? You would extremely convincing grounds that it is not in the child’s best interest for the courts to stop it.

Are there any court orders in place already?

OP's Response:

They'll be flying to Pakistan.

My concerns are twogold. Firstly about the ongoing war and border skirmishes with Taliban

The place they are visiting is his home city which is near the Afghan border.

Secondly I'm also concerned about my daughter's general safety there.

I wouldnt mind if they went to USA, Canada, New Zealand, China, EU, Japan etc.

I just don't want them going to somewhere unstable and potentially dangerous. I'd also object to Ukraine etc.

Commenter 2: Hi OP as a person of South Asian descent I implore u to not let your daughter go to Pakistan. Your daughter and your ex are not of Pakistani origin, do not have any family based there and have no support system there whatsoever if anything goes wrong. There is no valid reason for your daughter to be going. (Same goes for your ex as this isn't a holiday resort like destination) I assume your ex's partner is Pakistani or is of Pakistani origin. Do you actually know anything about him? What's the purpose of the visit? If your ex getting married to her partner?

FCDO advises against travelling https://www.gov.uk/foreign-travel-advice/pakistan

Next the area your ex and her current partner is next to Afghanistan and not considered a safe place to be. Your daughter and your ex run the risk of getting kidnapped/held to ransom/being sold into slavery/be victim to forced child marriage.

Also if exs new partner decides they are all staying there(even if it's against your ex's wishes there is little that anyone can do)

Do not hand over the passport. Please contact the passport advice line. Speak to your MP. I implore you not to relent on this as your daughters safety is on the line.

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Update: Jul 26, 2026

6 Hours Later

I've hidden the passport at a secure location. I'll alert the Home Office on Monday, and I won't be returning my daughter to my ex on Tuesday. Police are investigating.

Thank you for your advice.

Flights to Pakistan were booked for 2nd August.

I've put my foot down and explained that she will not be going.

I've hidden the passport at a secure location which isn't my home. I'll alert the Home Office on Monday morning to avoid issuing any kind of new passports.

Separately, I have spoken with my daughter. A couple of other issues have emerged including someone who my ex's partner has been having my daughter chat to online who lives in Pakistan. She said he wanted her to make a friend before she visited. He claims to be 12 in the messages, but there are only large group photos and I cannot verify he is actually a child.

She will not be returned to this man or my ex. Police were contacted on 101 and an officer and a sergeant came out very promptly. They asked to takr my daughter's phone as evidence, which I agreed to.

I'd like to send a massive thank you to everyone who provided advice.

I'd also like to thank the eight Pakistani women and women of Pakistani heritage who reached out to me to provide cruical context beyond the legal answers. Some of the stories of what you went through were gutwrenching. I appreciate the linking to Karma Nirvana as well, although we do not require their assistance as of yet.

A couple of you also provided me some excellent help and advice and also assisted with the translation of some posts on the social media account of this mysterious "boy" in Pakistan. You helped point out some red flags which I appreciate.

You have all been invaluable. Every single one of you.

Thank you.

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I think my professor fucked me up

I am NOT OP.

Originally Posted to: Captain Awkward Dec 20, 2021

Trigger Warning:

spoiler

cult like abuse, mentions of sexual assault, mentions of self harm

Editors Note: Might want to read the trigger warning on this if you think you could at all be triggered. Also added a paragraph break for easier reading.

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Original Post: Dec 20, 2021

Dear Captain Awkward,

I am a 25 year old woman about to finish a three-year professional degree. I had a pretty intense undergrad experience. Or, I thought it was intense, but I am starting to think maybe it was worse than just intense, and I don’t know what to do.

From about week 3 of my freshman year at age 19, two professors in my program (married, basically the program’s center of gravity, both regarded nationwide/even internationally as Important Leaders In The Field) adopted me into the fold of their “favorites,” which basically meant “if you do exactly what we say you’ll get one of the best jobs in the country when you graduate.”

They controlled pretty much every hour of my life for two years straight. In week 8 of my freshman year, they told me I couldn’t go home for fall break to visit my parents because of a project they wanted me to work on, and made me convince my dad to drive home without me. They had me come over to their home to work on projects and wouldn’t drive me back to my dorm until late at night. They coerced me into skipping classes so often I had to repeat a class once because my attendance record was so bad. Once I tried to say no to them when they attempted this, and one of them emailed the class’s TA behind my back to tell them I couldn’t come because I had to work on something for him. They made fun of me for going to church until I stopped going. They invented all kinds of scenarios that pitted me against my classmates for no good reason. They told me my parents wouldn’t understand the program and I shouldn’t talk to them so often. They would talk about their best students and how they would work for more than 24 hours straight and how great that dedication was.

They talked me into taking an unpaid internship out of state I couldn’t afford because one of their friends ran the organization. When I mentioned interviewing for an internship at an organization they didn’t have connections to, they told me they knew somebody who worked there who said she wanted to kill herself after five years in the job. They created arbitrary deadlines I’d have to drop everything to meet and then say that we actually had months to work on it anyway. I wasn’t getting credit or pay for a lot of my projects. I got about four hours of sleep a night for two years straight. After a year of that my thyroid failed and I gained a bunch of weight and my hair started falling out and I stopped having a period. One of their other students sexually assaulted me at the end of my sophomore year and I reported it (and that was a whole other nightmare, the university admin tried to get me to either shut up about it or drop out) and those two professors never spoke to me again.

But they loved me and cared about me. They fought for me at every turn when they could. They gave me opportunities I never could have imagined, and they encouraged me, and told me I was talented, and acted as mentors and parent figures when I was isolated from my own family. They put in good words for me with organizations and introduced me to powerful people in the field and entered my work in contests that won me thousands of dollars. And lots of their other students still basically worship them – they got almost every graduate of that program with a job in that field their job – so it seems like maybe I’m overreacting. Whenever I worried about whether I was cut out for the work or if I should leave the field, they were so quick to assure me I had a place no matter how I was feeling and that my work was important. They gave me space to rest when it all got too intense. They wanted me to succeed. I wanted and still want them to be so proud of me.

But I had to leave it all behind after I was assaulted, and they act like I don’t exist now, and so many people love them, and they didn’t do anything illegal. But I break out in a sweat when I get emails from professors in my graduate program and I’m really scared to even go to office hours and I can’t figure out why. Once a professor at my graduate program said students could call him by his first name and it’s like I physically can’t do it. And whenever I’m not working or if I turn in something a little late I feel like I’m going to be obliterated. And I feel guilty about going to bed before midnight, especially when I usually can’t sleep anyway. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. They gave me every advantage in the world and for some reason I still just couldn’t hack it. Every time I see them promoting the work of current or former students I feel sick. Especially because I’m never among them. I live alone now in a different city but it’s like my head is full of loud static all the time. It was never like that before.

What’s going on? What do I do? I graduate in May and I feel like I’m about an inch from a nervous breakdown I don’t deserve to have. I have no idea how I’m going to perform well in the job I’m supposed to start next September when I can’t even get to all my classes every week because I keep having to throw up in the school bathroom out of anxiety. I’m not even on the same campus I was at in undergrad. Should I tell the school about the kinds of things they say? Every other graduate, at least from when I was there, would tear me down in a heartbeat. I feel like you’re supposed to report teachers who abuse their students but I don’t think that’s what happened to me. What would I say? They had high expectations and I took it all too seriously. I tried to read about abusive relationships online but everything was about sexual abuse or domestic violence, so maybe this wasn’t that bad. I know this is way more than 400 words but it’s like I sat down to ask a question and all of this came out of me at once.

– Burned out before I even got a real job

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Update #1: Jan 31, 2023

I have wanted to write in with an update for a little while now, and now I can, because I finally got this news I was waiting for: Today I found out I passed my state’s bar exam!

My life has changed so much since I wrote in last fall. I graduated from law school. I took the bar exam. I moved back to my hometown, into my own apartment. I started my first job as a lawyer, as a professional instead of a student.

I found a therapist who taught me how to set reasonable boundaries and schedules, how to deal with the horrible feelings and memories I couldn’t make sense of. I got diagnosed with PTSD and OCD pretty quickly. I got therapy and meds that helped me feel more even-keeled. I am starting to learn how to stop hurting myself. I found some good doctors, and I got diagnosed with some other chronic physical illnesses that developed, apparently, as a result of truly harmful physical stress on my body for so long. They’re hard to deal with sometimes. But I deal with them. I take my meds, and I try to cook things that are good for me, and I go for long walks and I go to the gym, and I go to bed early, and when I panic I try to just wait it out, and mostly I feel safe.

I got an apartment that’s in my own space but near my parents. I go over to their house for dinner once a week or so. I call my mom to tell her how my days are. I help my dad with projects he’s working on. I listen to REM like he always did when I was a kid. I’m not totally sure about going back to church yet, but I can sit near my window and pray. I have a quiet, clean, perfect little space where I live with my dog. My bed is covered by a quilt my grandmother made me. My boyfriend comes over sometimes (my boyfriend!) and he is solid and steady and kind, and I think that maybe I can still love. Every day I wake up and take my dog outside and look at the river and feel the wind and listen to the geese, and I feel safe.

I got a job where I have my own little office, with a big window and a door that shuts if I need it to, and I get to do what I’ve been trained to do and what I’m really good at now. I work on a small team, and my coworkers are kind and smart and friendly. My boss sends me home if I stay even a few minutes past 5 p.m. He doesn’t call me at weird hours. He doesn’t mind if I have to leave for an appointment during the workday. He doesn’t corner me. He lets me work at my own pace, he lets me work how I like to work. Sometimes people at the office tell me I’ve done a good job on something. I’ve learned that I like to talk to the people I work with; I’ve learned that even when I’m feeling anxious, it’s okay to go to work and sit in my office and focus on breathing and maybe only do a little bit that day. Nobody seems to mind. My boss makes me laugh, I think because he’s trying to get me to chill out a little bit, and I feel safe.

When I was a kid I begged my parents for horseback riding lessons, which were short-lived but the most free I’ve ever felt. I started riding again — I found a riding club and a family willing to lease me a horse on the weekends. I ride with them on Saturdays, and I bake cinnamon rolls to bring them as a thank you, and I talk to friends from all over, of all different ages and occupations, and I love them. I get to literally gallop across open fields, I get to let it take my breath away, and I feel safe.

Things are still hard. It’s hard to take care of myself sometimes. Some nights I wake up terrified, not breathing. Some days I still can’t call what my professors did “abuse”; some days I still can’t call what that other student did “rape.” Sometimes I’m so furious about what they did to me I think it’ll kill me. But for the most part, that fire in me doesn’t burn me to death. For the most part, it keeps me alive. My friend told me once that I can be like the burning bush: aflame but never consumed. There isn’t really an “old” me to go back to, a version of me from before all of this that I can access. But there is a version of me that gets to choose what she does, and she is choosing to connect with the things she always loved, and she feels safe.

I passed the bar exam, and I’m a lawyer now, and that means the escape plan I set in motion years ago without really knowing why I felt like I had to escape has finally, finally, finally come to pass. I did it. They can never blow my life up ever again. I know what they did to me. I didn’t have any power over it. That hurts. But I get to say what I was made for. I get to say what I do. I don’t know if I’m making all the right choices yet, but I’m the one making the choices. I’m going to bed tonight without something clawing at my chest. Thank you (and Amy) for giving me the words and the tools I needed to make that happen.

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Do not comment on any linked posts or message the OOP

This is a repost community, I am not OP!

Title: I’m dreading the prospect of a summer houseguest, but I feel like I can’t say no.

Source: Captain Awkward

I am not the original poster

Tap for Trigger Warning

Depression, emotional manipulation, financial struggles, entitlement

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Original Post: Apr 24, 2014

Dear Captain,

I have a dilemma. I’ve been having a terrible year in 2014 (and 2013 was pretty shit also!) My husband and I have been having a rocky year in our marriage, I have just started an antidepressant to deal with my ongoing and dangerous depression, we have a $25,000 fee to pay to our condo I still don’t know how we’ll finance, and I have been balancing full-time work and full-time school schedule for nine months. Basically, I’m tired to the bone physically and emotionally.

My husband, Jack, and I are currently in the process of going through some counseling and things on that front seem positive and hopeful. The problem is, he recently asked me if his brother can come stay with us from June to August to work in our town. Jack’s brother, Bill*, along with the rest of his family members, live in a faraway province with little economic action. We live in a booming economy with many jobs, especially in Bill’s area of interest.

I had not been planning to take any courses over the summer and was looking forward to some rare downtime and the chance to recover and feel like myself again. With an air mattress in the basement serving as a “spare room” and only one shower, living area and kitchen, it’s inevitable that Bill would end up encroaching on our space. Although he’s in college now he’s still a teenager, so I’m also concerned about his cleaning ability or lack thereof. Plus, frankly, I just don’t want to deal with a houseguest for the whole summer!

Jack misses his family a great deal. This would be a great chance for him to catch up with his brother and bond, to say nothing of the opportunity for Bill to build work experience in his field. I can’t help but feel like the bad guy if I say no, but I’m already mourning my lost, private summer full of reconnecting with Jack and having plenty of alone time. Should I kibosh the trip and live with the guilt? Say yes and quietly resent every moment? PLEASE SEND HELP.

Yours, Houseguest versus Hag

Note: You can read the reply at the link above.

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Update #1: Jan 5, 2017 (~3 years later)

Thank you Captain! LW #564 here. You advised me to have my husband manage some of the tasks and stress associated with a houseguest and looming financial burden. Well, the houseguest did not arrive after all (not due to me, he just decided not to come out). But there’s more good news – reading that list made me realize, on a level where I KIND OF suspected but now REALLY KNEW, that my husband was never going to support me on that level. His favourite thing to do was find fault with me, unless I was being The Cool Wife Who Never Complains (and sometimes even then!) He expected me to achieve his dreams for him at the expense of mine, which would have included figuring out how to move him to a more exotic country while also making sure he never felt the pain of a $25K condo bill.

I ditched him that August, and 2+ years on I’ve never been happier and more self-confident. I have a loving partner who raises me up. I have my own business. I’ve achieved so many of my dreams and proved to myself I wasn’t holding him back from his dreams like he thought – he was holding ME back.

So thank you for everything you do here. This site has been a big part of my healing since I left and built myself up again – and was definitely part of me seeing the problem for what it was in the first place.

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Update #2: Jan 5, 2017 (same day ~12 hours later)

I wrote the letter about dreading a summer houseguest (and left an update in the 6th birthday post, but I thought I’d write a better one here.) [OP linked original post]

Feeling like I couldn’t say no turned out to be a recurring theme in my marriage, and though I was very good at rationalizing it, the root cause was actually that my husband expected me to make his life happen for him. Whatever that meant to him at the moment.

For example, he wanted to live as an expat in another country, but he blew off work all the time and spent all his money. Hard to travel without money, right? But the reason we couldn’t go was because of my job and my schoolwork, obviously.

He wanted to be travel guide and have fun all day for a living, but he never found anything local to get experience or settled on a definite where/when to work toward. But the reason this wasn’t going to happen for him is because he was stuck here making money to pay for our house which I wanted. (Spoiler alert: it wasn’t just me!)

He wanted to have sex with other people behind my back because I “never wanted to do it”, but always had an excuse whenever I wanted to be intimate.

He wanted a better job, but he wouldn’t spend time working his way up or go to school to improve his skills. When I went to school (while working full-time) he made all kinds of pouty faces about how long it would take and how it was stopping us from leaving the country.

Can you imagine why I didn’t want to chuck in my life to move to New Zealand so my husband could be a tour guide and I could (??? What I would do was never discussed.)

When Captain suggested I let him take the lead on the $25K condo fee, so I could get a break, I knew instinctively I could not trust him to do that, to take care of me in a meaningful way. He could bring me tea, but only if he could use it as evidence of His Saintly Goodness later. His idea of financial decisions was getting $4,000 into payday loan debt without telling me and then coming to me to pay it off.

Btw, I said no to the payday loans and told him to figure it out, and that was the beginning of the end. He bummed it off an uncle and aunt who thought I was the devil for not saving him from his foolish choices. Then he spent the summer in the basement, getting high and watching TV, while I was the loneliest I have ever been.

And so, I left him. It was hard – I was unemployed at the time and had no guarantee of work, thought I was interviewing. I had to drain my savings and credit to pay 3 months rent in advance on a new place, figure out renting my former home, move, and cross my fingers I would find a new job before I ran against my credit limit.

He went back home to his mother at age 30 and knocked up a girl he’d known for three weeks. He’s never gone anywhere since. The uncle and aunt who loaned him the money have never seen a penny and no longer speak to him.

I found a partner who loves me as I am and raises me up, started my own successful business, travelled to Europe and got a great apartment with a view. I’ve never been happier.

Divorce is final in a couple months. 🙂

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Reminder, I am not the OOP. This is a repost community

Do not comment on any linked posts or try to reach out to the OOP!

Title: I was written up for having a visible thong outside of work

Source: Ask A Manager

I am not the original poster

Tap for Trigger Warning

sexual harassment

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Original Post: Nov 5, 2025

In my free time, I love going to this nightclub by my apartment building. They have parties monthly based on different eras such as the 80s, 90s, and the 2000s. In the past year, I have gone to three 2000s parties, and the guests attending are supposed to wear things that represent fashion trends from that decade. All three times, I wore a pair of those ultra low-rise jeans that were so in back then and paired that with a visible thong (whale tail) as this was a trend back then as well. Well, all three times, the photographer at the club asked me to pose for a photo and I agreed. The photos were posted on their website.

I’m not sure how, but somehow HR at my work has found the photos. They called me into their office, showed me the photos, and wrote me up for “behavior that puts the company in a bad light,” as she said. I asked the director of HR if she was sure she was able to do this and she said that at the last management meeting it was discussed and the photos were shown to the management team before this action was taken. She also told me that the write-up and photos would go in my file and that I was not allowed to have a visible thong outside of work.

I have a huge problem with all of this and cannot believe that this has happened. I have had so many thoughts about this: (1) Why was the entire management team, including the men, shown photos of my underwear? (2) Why can I not show my thong at these parties if I want to? (3) Is a visible thong at a nightclub even a big deal or am I crazy? Have they seen what other women wear? (4) Can they write me up for this? (5) How do I get the photos removed from my file? I really don’t want future managers/directors and HR to see my underwear in my employee file for the rest of my time at this workplace!

Note: You can read Alison's response at the link above. (It's a good one)

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Update: June 15, 2026

I met with HR again and pushed back on the policy. They declined to show me any policy that is even written down except a generic policy that says we cannot engage in highly offensive social media activity. I asked what that has been used for in the past and the only things they could point to were an employee badmouthing the employer and some racist posts. Apparently my thong is at this level of offensiveness.

I then asked them to take the photos out of my personal file and they declined.

In April, a new manager took over my department and made an inappropriate joke about seeing my underwear and winked at me. I went to HR about it and again nothing was done. I did try to make the point about men’s underwear, but they said they haven’t seen any men exposing their underwear who work here and that “men’s underwear isn’t sexualized in the same way.” They then told me they would be keeping track of my internet presence and all concerning photos would be reviewed in management meetings.

At this point, I started looking for a new job. I found one almost right away but they don’t need me to start until mid-June. I gave early notice but with an end date at the end of the first week of June. They told me they wanted me to stay and saw a future, but that if I have this bad of an attitude then I can just leave in June.

At this point, I got really mad. I actually used up a week of vacation days, which they allowed me to do. I decided to have some fun and get revenge if they are so concerned about my underwear. I attended the club five nights that week and each time requested that my photo be taken. I didn’t really care about each night’s theme. But I was photographed with my thong sticking out higher than ever and my jeans frankly lower than ever. I was photographed from my back side in a dress that is sheer at the back, and I wore the tiniest of g-strings. I was also photographed wearing a sheer mesh top with pasties on underneath. The next night I entered a “sexy slip in slide contest” in a very small bikini and was photographed a bunch of times, and the final night I was photographed wearing a top that showed a massive amount of cleavage.

They were indeed keeping track, and they gave me a warning again when I got back. They said they reviewed it at the management meeting again and I told them I didn’t care. The funny part is they still didn’t fire me, as apparently they need me to do some Important work before I go. At least I got my anger out of my system. I cannot understand how unreasonable they are. Just because something is available on the internet doesn’t mean it has anything to do with work. Nobody is going to know where I work anyway, and nobody looks poorly on a company because of stuff like this. My job isn’t sensitive in any way.

Reminder, this is a repost community. I am not the OOP

Title: How do we hire people without them being freaked out by our cardboard coworker?

Source: Ask A Manager

I am not the original poster

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Original Post: Mar 18, 2026

Recently my manager asked me to help revise a job posting and the hiring process because the last two people we hired left only a few weeks after starting. One said she didn’t think our workplace had a professional environment, and the other said she realized her values didn’t align with the company. Since I’m the most recent successful hire, my manager wants me to help her understand what was different about how I was selected.

You’re probably assuming my workplace must be toxic or terrible, but honestly it’s the most fun place I’ve ever worked, and that might actually be the problem. Nothing about it fits the usual idea of a bad workplace, but it is definitely … peculiar.

People often eat lunch together. Not everyone every day, but a few times a week most of us end up eating with coworkers. (Not everyone participates. The person who splits tasks with me says she already sees us enough at the office and never joins us, and no one minds.) Lunch is where most of the unusual things happen.

One employee created a betting sheet for which celebrity will be the next to die or get involved in a scandal. You can add one name per month, and if you guess correctly you win a day off. It sounds worse written down than it actually feels, but the people who participate genuinely enjoy it.

Lunch conversations can also drift into very unprofessional territory. The week one employee resigned, the lunch debate was whether extraterrestrials are capable of orgasms. That discussion lasted more than one lunch break because people kept proposing different possible alien anatomies.

But the least professional thing we do might be the cardboard figure sitting at a desk named Robert. Robert has been part of the company culture long before I joined. The story behind him is about a former employee who would arrive, greet everyone, and then disappear until it was time to go home. No one ever knew where Robert was, and whenever someone needed him they couldn’t find him, but the work always appeared completed.

One day the company needed a team photo, and someone grabbed a cardboard box, drew a face on it, added a badge, and included “Robert” in the picture. After the real Robert retired, the box eventually evolved into a full cardboard cutout that now sits at its own desk.

At the end of each month we usually have less work, and there’s a game where someone hides Robert somewhere in the company and everyone searches for him. At the end, everyone gets candy. Not everyone actively participates, one person keeps a map coordinating where Robert hasn’t been searched for yet, some people give suggestions, and others don’t care about the game, but no one objects to it except HR did ban hiding Robert in the interview room and the public-facing areas.

Both employees who resigned witnessed a “Find Robert” search. They didn’t mention it specifically, but I imagine it might have contributed to their impression that the environment wasn’t professional.

My manager wants help finding people who would think these things are funny rather than strange, and she asked how I felt when I started. I happened to begin (luckily or unluckily) when people were decorating Robert with a heart-pattern tie and a box of bonbons while discussing what kind of box Robert would like as a girlfriend. I thought it was weird in a funny way, and it didn’t bother me enough to reconsider the job.

Outside of lunch and the occasional Robert hunt, people are actually very professional during working hours, aside from occasionally greeting the cardboard coworker or decorating him for holidays. We’re a very productive and inclusive team, but I understand how it might seem strange to someone seeing it for the first time.

I honestly don’t know how to help my manager find competent people who would be comfortable with this environment. The person who interviewed me said the team was laid-back, but that definitely didn’t prepare me for what the office is actually like.

Someone suggested hiding Robert for a while, but wouldn’t it be better for new hires to know what they’re getting into? How could we find people who would feel comfortable discussing whether the aliens from Arrival understand sex and also think it’s perfectly normal to greet a cardboard coworker?

I realize your answer might be that our company isn’t the wonderful place I think it is and that we should behave more professionally. But considering that our CEO once hid Robert in his own office during one of the searches, I don’t think the culture will change. (Still, feel free to say so if that’s your view, sometimes an outside perspective is very different.) I’m mainly looking for ideas on how to select people who would actually find this kind of thing fun rather than uncomfortable.

Note: You can read Alison's response at the link above.

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Update: April 6, 2026

Thank you for responding to my letter. After reading the response and comments, I realized that the alien orgasm example drew more attention than I expected, even though I had meant it as one particularly bad example rather than the main issue itself. I wanted to add a little more context and clarify a few points.

The alien orgasm example was an outlier, and one of the worst examples I could remember, which is why I used it. The “alien anatomy” discussion was also less about sex itself than about whether extraterrestrials would experience pleasure or physical sensation the same way humans do, especially if they did not even have bodies like ours. I understand that it was still inappropriate, but some commenters seemed to come away with the impression that sex is a regular topic in the office, and that is not really the case.

A more typical version of these conversations would be discussions about books, movies, and TV shows. We have had conversations like which horror movie character was so stupid that you actively rooted for their death. We have also had conversations like which politician you would “make disappear” if you could get away with it, but when someone pointed out that it was inappropriate, the conversation moved on without any fuss. In general, the conversations tend to get strange in a morbid way rather than in a sexualized one. That is still a problem, of course, just not quite the same one some people focused on.

The office betting pool is less about hostility toward specific celebrities and more about the kind of morbid joking people make about public figures who seem as though they have been old forever. The attitude is usually more “I cannot believe this person is still alive” than “I want this person to die.” Similarly, the “scandals” people talk about are usually things like cheating, wearing something provocative, or being rude to a fan, rather than actual criminal behavior. I do not participate in the betting pool because I would feel too guilty winning a paid day off by correctly guessing someone’s death, but people do sometimes mention their picks during lunch.

I mentioned lunch because that is usually when the conversations can get strange. Most of our work requires concentration, so there is not much chatting during the day, and many people wear headphones most of the time. Team lunches also really are optional. We are a small team inside a large company, so the whole team does not eat together every day, but there are usually six to eight people having lunch together, even if it is not always the same group.

I described cardboard Robert as the strangest part because all the other things are occasional, and lunch itself is optional. Some people never have lunch with the team, and that is completely fine. But Robert is there every day, sitting at a desk and being greeted. It took me about two months to find out there was a death pool, and some time before I heard one of the more inappropriate lunch conversations, but I was introduced to Robert on my first day. My manager even told the team to act normal during my first week so they would not scare me off. The monthly “hunt” for Robert is optional and avoidable, but comments about him happen every day, and new employees are introduced to him as though he is simply part of the team.

In your response, it seemed as though my letter came across as asking, “How can we change our culture so people don’t feel this is a sexualized environment?” I can understand why, given the example I used, but the help I was really hoping for was a little different. What I was trying to ask was something more like, “How can I help my manager hire someone who is likely to fit in here, while also giving candidates a fair sense of what the office is like, so neither side feels misled?” Someone suggested inviting candidates to join a typical team lunch, and that was much closer to the kind of suggestion I had been hoping for.

I also appreciated your point that inappropriate conversations are inappropriate no matter when they happen. I do know that, and I think at least part of the team knows it too, given the ongoing joke that there is probably a reason our room is physically as far from HR as possible. But I am not a manager, and honestly I do not want to be one. My manager decided that because I was the most recent hire, I was the right person to help her think through this, even though I do not really have the authority or the tools to change how the team operates. I will pass these points along to her, but I do not think much would change without rebuilding the team almost from scratch.

To be clear, I do understand why these things are a problem. I am not trying to defend them or suggest that people are wrong for not wanting to work here. I just wanted to provide more context so I could get advice that was more specific to the situation I was actually asking about. Some of the comments were genuinely helpful, and I was hoping that with a better explanation I might get more of that. But if the answer is still simply that the culture needs to change, I do understand that, and I appreciate your response anyway.

Sincerely,
The Person with the Cardboard Coworker

This is a repost community, I am not the OOP

[New Update]: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra_nowherehouse

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Tap for Trigger Warning

manipulation, possible controlling behavior, possible misogyny, death of a loved one

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RECAP

Original Post: August 4, 2025

I don’t know how to start this. I, (27F) have been with my fiancé (28M) for 5 years. We’ve just recently saved enough for a deposit on a house, and he’s found this cottage in the middle of nowhere, two hours away from where we currently live. The thing is that I already work an hour away. I am a nursery practitioner and I love my workplace, I’ve been there since I was 20 and I’ve worked my way up to a room lead position. Living three hours away from my job would not be ideal, but my fiancé won’t budge on this house. He says it’s perfect within our budget and quirky enough to fit our tastes in home style.

I’ve tried to communicate with him about this issue multiple times, bringing up the fact there’s not even any nurseries in that area that are looking for staff, and I don’t want to find another job that’s a bit further out but start from the bottom again. He says it’ll all work out if I just stop overthinking it, and I’ve been at my current job for so long that it would be nice for me to start fresh.

Another issue is that I want children, they’ve always been a huge dealbreaker for me and I don’t think it would be such a good idea to live so remotely when it comes to children as we will have to get them to/from school or nursery before and after work every day, the nearest school/nursery is a 30 minute drive away from the house he wants and we both start work fairly early and finish quite late. It will also be an issue of their freedom as they grow up, because I think it would be horrible to have to rely on your parents for transportation all the time and have to skip out on plans if they can’t drive you.

He really thinks I’m being dramatic about this and I’ll just ‘figure it out’, so AITAH for not wanting to move so far away from my job and basically all civilisation?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Y'all didn't talk about where you wanted to live? You both should have discussed where EXACTLY you wanted a home. You don't have to move where you don't want to live.

OOP: We did discuss it, we both want a nice cottage that’s out of the way of lots of people, but there’s options near us, and even more options that are actually closer to my job, that also still have access to regular buses and there’s even a few up for sale in a town with a train station a reasonable walk away. I don’t know why he’s suddenly so set on this house that’s so far out when we have plenty of options available to us that won’t move us hours away.

Commenter 2: NTA. You two are not on the same page. You need to sort that out before you get married.

OOP: I am desperately trying to sort it out. I’m considering telling him that I will end the engagement if he continues to be unreasonable and doesn’t consider my feelings on the matter

Commenter 3: NTA. If you have joined the funds, immediately remove your contributions from the account and safeguard the money. He absolutely will use all of it to buy the cottage. His plan is to isolate you and keep you away from your network of people.

OOP: Luckily I control our finances because I’m better with numbers, so I’ve already transferred my half of the savings into a different account, he won’t even notice. He’s usually very sweet and considerate so I’m not sure what’s got into him about this house. He loves my family and we have the same friend group as we’ve known each other since high school, so I don’t think he’s trying to isolate me

Commenter 4: Is the house also three hours away from his workplace? Or does he WFH?

OOP: He works in tech and he does go physically to work but has the opportunity to WFH if he wants to. He says because it’s ’worked out’ for him it’ll work out for me too and I can always just find another job in a nursery, but I don’t think he gets quite how difficult it is to find a genuinely good job in a great nursery that doesn’t have a toxic environment and crazy high staff turnover

Commenter 5: Who exactly is the “we” who received the money for the deposit? Who did the money come from? if it came from somebody in his family, he is probably being very proprietary about how the money is spent. That isn’t a partnership and this kind of thinking will spill over into other areas of their life. If the money came from someone in your family or if it is somehow attached to your career, like a bonus, then he is a dictator who will force his ideas on you time and again. Buying a house is a partnership. He will expect you to help pay your portion of the mortgage and the upkeep, but you don’t get to say in where the house is located. Is that what you want? NTA

OOP: We’ve been saving for a while, nobody gave us any money. I was already saving before we got together, so was he and after a couple years together we decided to pool our house savings for our future which I now realise was probably a really dumb idea because we aren’t married. I’ve actually put more in than him despite spending less because I’m happy to live a frugal lifestyle while he likes holidays and expensive cars, etc.

Despite *earning less, sorry I’m completely exhausted

 

Update #1: August 6, 2025 (two days later)

UPDATE AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

I wasn’t expecting to be able to update this fast, but here we are. First off I want to thank everyone that commented on my last post, and also add some context as I realised my last post may have been lacking some. Fiancé and I have been together five years, but I have known him for twelve years, and in all the time I’ve known him and especially since we got together he’s always been sweet, taken my feelings into consideration and hasn’t actively ignored my opinion like this. It’s always been a two yes, one no situation in decisions before this.

We had a good relationship otherwise, we had date nights once a fortnight, we enjoyed each other’s company, had aligning plans for the future and the same ideals for a relationship. He had watched me go through a few quite bad relationships over the years before we got together and did his best to be the opposite of my exes, though he’s always been quite pushy when it comes to sexual intimacy, so I guess that’s an issue. But other than that it was great, and we had actually had a lot of talks about what we wanted in a house. We had agreed that we wanted a house or cottage either the same distance away or closer to my work, a bit more remote but still with a town or city easily accessible by public transport and car. I’m not sure why he suddenly switched to wanting a house so far out from everything and everyone we both know. We live in the UK, and a two hour drive can have you in basically a whole other world.

Anyway, the actual update. I had annual leave from work yesterday, and my now-ex fiancé was having a WFH day, something he’s been doing more and more frequently as of late. This is another reason he is so okay with the house he wants being where it is, because he can just switch to full time work from home.

In the morning I sat down with him and tried to bring up the house. I laid out my points from my last post yet again and told him I am under no circumstances leaving my job, I love it and I do not want to search for another. I brought up the countless other houses that fit our criteria that are in our area and closer to my work, some of which we have viewed. We haven’t viewed the place he wants yet as we haven’t had the time, and I told him I do not want to as I already know it’s not what I want.

I also asked him if he really thinks it would be okay for me to have a 6 hour round commute every day, especially considering my shift starts at 8am so I would have to leave by 5am every morning and be up by around 4am. My shifts typically finish at 5:30pm, so I wouldn’t even be back home until 8:30pm. Would he be okay with doing all the childcare in the future, housework and just everything that needed to be done because I would not be home for any of it?

He didn’t seem to take any of it to heart, and still insisted I could find another job, maybe one not even in child care, and that’s what finally pushed me over the edge. Child care has been my dream since I was a little girl, and I managed to find an absolute dream of a workplace that I know many child care practitioners would kill to work for. How could I possibly leave that all behind when I’ve worked so hard for it? He told me he’s set on this house, so either I accept it or I leave.

I chose leave. I gave his ring back and told him we’re done, that he’s not being the sweet, considerate man I fell in love with, and I don’t know why he can’t see my side of things in this. I do not want to live a life with somebody that doesn’t consider how I feel in all of this. This completely shocked him and he started begging me to rethink, that we can figure something out, but I refused and went to pack my things.

I’m staying with my brother and his wife now, which is nice because they live closer to my workplace (a 30 minute drive instead of an hour), and I get to spend time with my little nieces. I am hurting, but I also feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I do not deserve to not have my opinion valued, and he certainly did not. I guess it’s onwards and upwards as they say, but I definitely won’t be dating for a long time after this

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You mentioned that the two of you had saved up enough for a down payment. If the money is in a joint account add up how much you contributed plus interest on the amount, and withdraw it Fast.

OOP: Hello! Sorry for my absence I have been very busy. I withdrew all money that I contributed from the shared balance before I left my ex-fiancé. It’s all safe in my own bank account now!

Commenter 2: He didn't even give up. " We can figure something out" means his option is still on the table. He just wants to keep debating even after you dumped him. Man he really wants that house.

Commenter 3: Oh damn. He thought he could strong arm you into agreeing with him. He thought you would relent because you were engaged and you'd never walk away. And then you called his bluff and he realized he didn't hold the control over you he thought.

Good on you for calling his bluff and being rid of him. He would have 100% used that tactic again and again if you had stayed with him.

Commenter 4: NTA and good job advocating for yourself!!! if current You starts to waver, which is a totally normal emotional cycle for people to go through post break up, just remember that future You will be so glad that you stood up for yourself and made space for better relationships to come.

Update #2: December 4, 2025 (nearly four months later)

UPDATE: AITAH for not wanting to buy a house 3 hours away from my workplace?

Reposting here bc I didn’t realise I could only post one update on the AITAH sub

Hi all. Sorry I’ve been almost completely MIA for the last few months, life has been completely hectic, but I wanted to give an update because I saw some people asking for an update. I also saw my post being read on TikTok a few months ago by one of my favourite Reddit story accounts actually and that was crazy, I truly did not think it would end up anywhere but Reddit.

First off, I (27F) want to share some things about my life and how it has been since I left my ex-fiancé(28M). Life has been up and down for me. I found a therapist, and I’ve started to rent a small flat close to my brother’s house, still living below my means as I start to save for a house again, building upon my more than half of the savings I took when I left my ex (It was all my money, I had saved most of it. I did not take any of the money that was his.) The flat is small, but it’s cosy and doesn’t have any of the mess my ex always left around. I was offered a position as assistant manager at my workplace, and while the pay rise would have been nice, I decided to turn it down as I just so love working with the children and I do not want to spend most of my time in an office. Being a room lead is fine with me, I adore my job. My workplace is still great, and I’ve made some really good friends with some newer staff members. I often have a couple of them over for drinks or dinner after work, as a little single ladies club.

My absolutely amazing dad died suddenly and tragically in September, far too soon at 65. He was truly the most incredible man, and I’d been leaning on him a lot for support after I left my ex. He left me a sizeable sum of money, and while I am still waiting for that to come through, I’m planning to put it all into my house fund and I’m hoping to be a homeowner by the summer of 2026. I also adopted a little tortoiseshell cat to keep me company, her name is Lily and she’s the sweetest, cuddliest thing.

I’m slowly getting back into dating, and I actually made the realisation that I like women, so I have been dipping my toes into going on dates with some lovely ladies, which has been great. Nothing serious of course, I’m not ready for that yet, but it’s nice to have some connection with people and explore my newfound dating pool, see what fits me best and figure out my dating boundaries. Overall, while some times have been tough and heartbreaking, my life has improved.

On the ex front, I really did dodge a bullet. My sister has told me countless times that I let a man disrespect me for far too long. He was not the man I thought he was and upon reflection I realise the first red flag was how pushy he was for sex. I believe one comment on my last update called him a sex fiend. My therapist has helped me to realise that coercion was not consent, so I’ve been working through that.

Since we split, he has apparently been posting on Instagram about being an alpha male and how any woman would be lucky to have him. According to mutual friends, he has been listening to lots of horrible and misogynistic podcasts and spews that rhetoric to absolutely everyone he can, and he’s already dating a new girl what who is far from appropriately younger than him at 19. Yuck!! I will never know the full logic of why he wanted me to move so far from everything I know and love, but I feel that the comments saying he wanted me to quit my job and be a SAHM were correct in their assumptions. He couldn’t afford the house he wanted without my part of the savings, so he’s stuck in our old flat.

I had to see him once more after I left just to get the rest of my things from our old place, and he tried to talk to me, asking if we could fix what we had, but I ignored him and simply took everything I needed before leaving and blocking him for good. He’s not worth my time or energy.

I think during our relationship, I lost who I really was and forgot that I am a strong and independent woman. I have always been quite feisty, and I’ve always stood up for myself, but somehow with him I lost those parts of me. They’re back in full force now and I couldn’t be happier with that. I’ve used my found-again spine to fight for what I believe in, and I have been to several marches and protests for Palestine in the last few months, screaming at the top of my lungs, holding banners and waving flags. I have advocated for children’s rights, I have joined clubs and groups, and I have found my voice. Thank you all for your kind words, advice and encouragement. I don’t think I would have left or stayed away if it wasn’t for all of you commenting.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: 19!? Poor girl

OOP: I really want to message her and let her know what he’s like, but my sister and friends have told me it would cause more problems for me. She’s so young and I’m afraid for her

Commenter 2: I agree with your sister you dodged a bullet. Go have a great life now that you have found yourself again.

Commenter 3: Yesssssss. You go do what you want from now on. Sad about dad, but awesome otherwise.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: June 27, 2026 (6.5 months later from the previous update)

(editor’s note: removed the first part of the update as they are links to the original and previous updates)

Six months into the year already, wow! Thank you so much to everyone who has been so supportive on my previous posts!

I (28F) don’t have much to update apart from, as of the 21st of May, I am officially a homeowner! I found a perfect house that’s only fifteen minutes from my workplace. It may not be the out of the way cottage I wanted, but it’s perfect and it’s all mine. I have space to just be me, and enough room for my niblings to sleep over and give my siblings a break.

On the dating front, I’ve been dating a wonderful woman (30F) since late December. I realised shortly after my last update that I wasn’t bisexual, and I am actually fully a lesbian.

We’re still taking it very slow, considering I had just come out of a long term relationship, and she was only recently divorced when we met, but so far so good. She’s absolutely amazing and I can safely say I love her. If things go well, we’ve talked about living together but that won’t happen until at least 2027, as I’m not quite ready for that level of commitment yet. She’s helped me move in and decorate my new house though, which has been lovely as she works in interior design and seems to know exactly how to make a room look incredible.

My ex broke up with the 19 year old in April, from what I’ve been told, citing that she’s “far too immature.” Like, obviously? She’s 19 and you’re 29, idiot. I haven’t heard much else about him because I really don’t care to know about his life, but what I have heard isn’t great. On top of his stupid misogynist stuff, he’s also been on some horribly racist bs. I didn’t mention this in my posts because it didn’t feel relevant, but I am mixed. My mum is Black, and I am very clearly half Black. He was engaged to a woman of colour and he’s racist!!!

All in all, life is good and I escaped a man that probably never really loved me. I hope everyone has had a great year so far, here’s to better beginnings. It may not be much of an update, but I wanted to let you all know it can get so much better 😊.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP