Toxic family stories

My sister reminded me of this one today. When my nephew was only one year old, my mother told my sister he was too fat and that she should put him on a diet. Like they were feeding the kid Mountain Dew or something.

I went over to upgrade the family computer since windows 10 is being killed. (They can’t use windows 11 so fuck it, they are getting Linux with KDE and they will never know the difference). I’m in the office working on the machine, showing my stepfather how to use it and making sure there’s nothing tripping him up when my mother walks in and starts complaining about how horrible my father was and all the things he supposedly did when they were married.

Whatever. It’s been over 30 years and she’s still complaining but she swears she’s totally over him.

Mom starts in on how she loved it when we all still lived together in the same house and how wonderful that was before we grew up.

I’m instantly pissed. We were poor as fuck. I was stuck at home for years and only let out for school. There were some exceptions like family thanksgivings and such but I wasn’t allowed to go out and have friends or do anything because mom was concerned my siblings “might burn the house down.” I had no authority over them but if their homework wasn’t done, chores weren’t done, they weren’t home when she expected them it was MY fault and I was in trouble. Fuck her.

I tell her that’s a weird way to remember things. I remember we were poor and barely had food most of the time.

Mom: “oh no, we were never poor.”

Me: “we screened your calls. You didn’t want to talk to the bank.”

Mom: “that didn’t happen.”

Me: -blink-

Mom: “…I just remember being happy then.” (She wasn’t. She was screaming all the time) “in fact, I think it would be great if you and your sister and brother all lost your jobs and homes and had to move back in with me. We could all live under one roof again. Wouldn’t that be great?”

-record scratch-

Me: “when times were tough for me, I lived in a homeless shelter for a while just to avoid living with you. And my siblings have kids of their own now. Why would you be happy about them losing their homes?!”

Mom: “it would be nice.”

This one’s about dad!

Dad has us out in the driveway one night with a cheap little barbecue on a wagon, roasting marshmallows and looking at the neighboring farm field as if it had something to say. Nice calm evening.

But it’s not because dad has sagely wisdom to offer. He is drunk and had visitation. This is dark and quiet so that’s what we are doing right now.

Afterward, dad puts the lid on the barbecue to smother it and wheel the thing into the garage. Obnoxious little cub scout me remembers what I was taught in school, that we should put the thing out with water when we are done.

Dad: “no, it’ll be harder to light later.”

Me: “it’ll dry out by then. Just get the hose.”

Dad: “no. Wheel this into garage.”

Ooooookay.

The next day, dad and grandma are watching football and the house seems strangely foggy.

Me: “dad, something’s wrong. Is this smoke?”

Dad: “it’s just fog. It’s fine.”

Me: -twists fog around finger- “do this. Have you ever been able to do that with fog?”

Dad: “it’s fine.”

So I go downstairs and see the light of flames reflecting off the insulation on the walls. Fuck. Someone put a cardboard box on the wagon with the barbaque and it fell into it and knocked off the lid. I know I can’t open the garage and give it air but child me doesn’t know what I should be doing.

Me: “dad, there’s a fire!”

Dad: “no, there’s do fire.”

Me: -dropping the boy scout act- “LOOK IN THE DAMN GARAGE!”

Grandma: -wide eyes-

This is tactical. Teenage me swearing is nothing that gets dad’s attention. Getting his mother’s attention, however, means I just complained to management.

Dad reluctantly goes downstairs, sees his child was RIGHT about the fire under him, he drags is it out to the driveway to deal with, runs around like crazy looking for something to put it out while the house airs out. (No fog outside by the way)

The neighbor babysitter runs over because opening the garage let out a shitton of smoke and she freaked the fuck out. She’s also dressed for a Halloween party as a slutty cat so now I get to watch my father perving on the babysitter.

Sunday evening comes around and mom picks us up. I’m still bitter about being ignored by my father so guess what I told bitter mom right away?

Let them fight.

My mother was really upset when she discovered my nephews were uncircumcised. Just ridiculously upset. She went off about the whole thing, squawking to family members how horrible it was that her grandkids don’t have their penises properly mangled and I’m guessing nobody in the family agreed with her take so she came to me about it.

I’m not really a roll-with-it kind of guy. If she’s being crazy, I call her out. So she usually tries to get her fix elsewhere. But that day she came to me with this so it looks like her little penis snit isn’t generating the response she wanted.

Mom: “Can you believe they didn’t do that? They are terrible parents! Don’t you think that’s weird?”

(This was a while ago so I’m paraphrasing but the point is my mother asked for my opinion on something that involves neither of us. Buckle up.)

Me: “I think it’s weird you are upset about the aesthetics of a child’s penis.”

Mom: “It will look weird!”

Me: “You had me circumcised as a kid. It still looks weird. Penises are just weird. So what?”

Mom: “But they will look different from the other kids.”

Me: “So what? It’s genitalia, not an HOA.”

Mom: “I don’t understand why they wouldn’t do it though.”

Me: “Let’s look at this differently. You are upset a medical procedure that is unnesscarry isn’t being forced on a child. So let’s say it is considered normal for a woman to have a single breast. They naturally have two but that’s just weird so when a girl is born, she is strapped down and breast tissue is removed from one side of her chest. Best to do it when they are too young to remember, which is great because you don’t anesthetize them or put them under since that’s too risky for a child. There are some deaths but it’s usually fine so nobody cares. This is NORMAL so it’s fine.

In this scenario, a parent decides they don’t want their daughter subjected to that and opt out. She can get it done as an adult if she wants, you aren’t taking options away, you’re giving her a choice regarding her body she can make herself when she’s older. Nobody’s forcing anything on anyone.

How do you feel about this scenario?”

Mom: (looks up from Facebook on her phone) “are you threatening me?”

She’s always like this. Anything she disagrees with is a threat somehow. Considering I agree with her on fuck all, I must be a terrifying figure to her.

for years, my sister and I have been saying we are going to have the best book to publish when mom finally dies. Until then, the entire family just mocks her internally.

Until now!

NoWireHangers exits so you can share your toxic family member stories in a public forum. Air out that dirty laundry! Spill that tea! Threaten mom with shady pines! Go nuts here.

I’ll be adding stories as they come to mind but everyone join in and have fun while we share and possibly laugh at the trauma.