fakenews

(CNN) - Prominent pro Russia journalist Patrick Lancaster, who's video have been claimed by Ukaine to be fake, is said to be dead in a statement released by the breakaway state known as the Donetsk People's Republic in Eastern Ukraine

Eduard Basurin, defense spokesman for the DPR, stated in a press release "Yesterday [June 30th] a soldier with our militia found the body of our dear ally Patrick Lancaster. We mourn the loss of a great friend and truth teller. Patrick was committed to spreading the truth of this war, and we will miss his contributions to our effort. We will always remember the joy he brought us when we placed him on a skateboard and he would gently drift away from the power of his 'behind releases'. Our windy warrior will never be forgotten."

Details of the death are scarce. A CNN reporter on the ground interviewed several soldiers of the pro Russia break away region militia.

A militia troop who found Landcasters body said "[Landcaster] died on the toilet like Elvis." A grim look drew across his face. "It's smelled horrendous. It's like a shit morter went off in the toilet"

Lancaster was known for his extreme and explosive IBS. A widely recirculated photo on Twitter shows Lancaster consuming an entire bottle of laxatives just days before his death. This photo could not be independently verified by CNN

A Vice News documentary from 2019 showed that Lancaster was a known entity in the Donbass region of Ukraine, an area rife with Russian backed anti Kyiv rebels.

Memes about Lancaster were common among people from the self proclaimed Donetsk People's Republic. "We use to make jokes that the Moskova could be rebuilt by placing Patrick on a sailboat and having his ass point at the sails." One soldier, who wished to remain anonymous, said to CNN. "He never walked anyway, he just put on his heelies and would glide away."

A second militia man piped up: "He could have been an armed warship. If you held a lighter up to his ass, it was like recreating Greek Fire. I once put my arm around his shoulder, and I felt his whole body vibrating from constant, low level behind wind. He is truly irreplaceable. "

NEW YORK was on fire today when a catastrophic pile up occurred early morning on the Clearview Expressway Interstate 295, the culprit was none other than voice acting legend Samuel E. Wright mostly known for being the voice behind Sebastian in the 1995 film The Little Mermaid. Nobody can forget his performance for the song Under The Sea which reappeared in the live action reboot of the film earlier this year, Sadly Samuel couldn’t reprise his role as Sebastian as he couldn’t sing so the role was passed over to a star of the Broadway hit Hamilton, Daveed Diggs.

Survivors of the crash which killed 37 and injured 56, retell the horrors that occurred early morning. We spoke with Megan Beady who luckily swerved out of the way and avoided the pile up “by inches” she claims.

“It was the usual commute to work, everything was fine until a car was going about 80-90 sped past me and just swerved into a van. The van tumbled around and I was inches away from hitting it so that’s when I swerved to the right and stopped at the breakdown lane. Then I just watched as more and more cars kept hitting each other and setting on fire, it was horrible the sounds were scary and the smoke was just really thick. After the pile up settlers down a bunch of us got out and ran over to the crash to see if we could do anything but it was just too dangerous. You could just feel the heat from some of the fire that prevented me from approaching, some were brave enough though. It was like a horror movie I couldn’t believe it.”

Wrights car was found “mostly intact” says first responder Fire Fighter Steve Wainright, “the ride front side was severely damaged but everything else including the passengers bodies were mostly intact.” Wright was said to have been driving with another passenger except the location of said passenger adds a bizarre twist. “The passenger was found under the drivers seat, when we opened the vehicle we found Wrights pants around his ankles and he was exposed.”

Coroners found that Samuel Wright in fact died of a heart attack which would have led to him not being able to control his vehicle but traces of semen were found in and around his private areas which would conclude he was receiving oral sex behind the wheel. Police will investigate the crash further but this shocking revelation tarnishes the beloved voice actors image. A spokesman for the NYPD condemns Wright’s actions and calls his act irresponsible, “he killed 37… that’s 37 people not going home tonight and he injured a further 56 with 13 of those in critical condition. They might not make it. You should never put yourself and others at risk by engaging in sexual acts on the road.”

More updates to come.

Paul Reubens, the actor best known for portraying Pee-wee Herman, died Sunday night after a private bout of small plane crash. He was 70.

“Please accept my apology for not going public with what I’ve been facing the last six years,” wrote Reubens in a statement posted to Instagram after his death. “I have always felt a huge amount of love and respect from my friends, fans and supporters. I have loved you all so much and enjoyed making art for you.”

“Last night we said farewell to Paul Reubens, an iconic American actor, comedian, writer and producer whose beloved character Pee-wee Herman delighted generations of children and adults with his positivity, whimsy and belief in the importance of kindness,” wrote Reubens’ estate in the caption. “Paul bravely and privately fought cancer for years with his trademark tenacity and wit. A gifted and prolific talent, he will forever live in the comedy pantheon and in our hearts as a treasured friend and man of remarkable character and generosity of spirit.”

Reubens’ image as a beloved childhood hero was tarnished when, in 1991, he was arrested for indecent exposure at an adult movie theater in Sarasota, Fla. At the center of a national sex scandal, Reubens backed away from Pee-wee and began doing press as himself. He wouldn’t again reprise the iconic role until 2010, when he revived “The Pee-wee Herman Show” on Broadway and made several other appearances, on “WWE Raw” and in a couple of digital sketches for Funny or Die. In 2016, Reubens co-wrote and starred in Netflix’s “Pee-wee’s Big Holiday,” a sequel to 1988’s “Big Top,” which would serve as Reubens’ final film role before his death.

Throughout his career, Reubens starred in a variety of other projects as well, including Kinka Usher’s superhero comedy “Mystery Men” and Ted Demme’s biographical crime drama “Blow.” He also made appearances in television series including “30 Rock,” “The Blacklist,” “Pushing Daisies” and “Reno 911!”

LOVING dad from Hindley Green dead after the man accidentally ingested a disposable fork from a chippy. Gaz Bakely was a bus driver and a renowned local known for his kindness and caring nature. “He were as good as one can be” says Margaret Tildsley, Gaz’s neighbor.

According to Gazzas wife, Gaz came home 15 minutes late because of an altercation that took place the bus he was driving which set him back a few minutes. “I were gonna cook but he said he felt like having takeout so we decided on t’chippy.” As the family dined together Lucy was concerned at the speed Gaz was eating at, “he were eating too fast so I told him to slow down but he just didn’t listen. If he did he’d be here right now he were always stubborn me Gaz.” The family dinner soon turned into a horror show after Gaz ingested the fork whole which blocked his airways, which the coroner report confirms that the forks prongs lodged into his esophagus.

“He white at first and then turned red and then blue… part of me believes as he died it was his country’s way of letting him know he were British through and through.” Gaz leaves behind a devastated family including 3 kids and a widow.

war is over?

TRAGEDY struck in the early hours of this morning when 83 year old Beatles legend fell to his death on the express line between 28th street and 42nd. Witnesses say they saw the late singer accompanied with any anonymous partner and the two were stood in between train cars which the MTA says is forbidden, “it’s really dangerous” Pete Reynolds’s Chief Safety Officer for NY’s MTA says, “since I’ve been working here, so twenty years, about 56 people have fallen just from standing or crossing train cars. This is why we put stickers on the doors and tell you not to do it. Just because you can open the doors doesn’t mean you should.” One passenger recounts how they could hear a few moans and shuffling around until he heard a shriek coming from one of the two lovers, “I don’t really pay attention to this sort of stuff, I let people be, but I was worried for their safety so I just kept watching, for their safety, anyway I knew they were giving each other head and I just thought how dangerous it was. I was tempted to join them and maybe say ‘hey this is dangerous maybe you shouldn’t’ but by that time I think John had fallen into the tracks. I could’ve stopped it happening maybe.”

Police were notified by passengers and the anonymous partner was taken into custody for questioning. A spokesperson with the Port Authority Police Department confirmed the body belonged to the Beatles legend and that “his corpse was scattered from 28th street all the way to 42nd, it was everywhere.”

CNN -- Singer Amy Winehouse, infamous for erratic public behavior, public urination, arrests and drug problems, was found dead at her apartment in London Saturday, police and her publicist confirmed. She was 27.

Her death came less than two months after her latest release from a rehabilitation program and weeks following a disastrous performance where she was booed off a Belgrade, Serbia, stage by disappointed fans after confusing the country with Albania

Winehouse died at the same age as four other music legends. Jim Gaffigan, Paul Giamitti and James Gandalfini each died of drug overdoses when they were 27. Kurt Cobain was 27 when he was murdered by Courtney, soon after his release from rehab.

LEGENDARY guitarist David Gilmour of the late band Pink Floyd was murdered today by a group of angry locals. According to witness reports, Gilmour was complaining that he didn’t order mushy peas with his fish and chips and was allegedly being abusive to staff, “It’s in a cup, don’t have it” one of the customers exclaimed. Things went south after Gilmour allegedly “threw the pae’s at the man’s head” and all hell broke loose, “everyone grabbed him and then shoved his head in the fryer whilst beating the rest of his body, he was dead in a few seconds” claims another witness. But locals aren’t really concerned for Gilmour’s passing, many of them celebrating his death, “he was proper rude, an absolute t**t… deserved” a woman added. “Hes music were shite and he were shite, who cares” adds another local.

Police are investigating the footage but have said in a statement that it’s too hard to decipher anything since the footage was recorded with dated technology.

One of the first deaths I’ve reported that I wish wasn’t true

Vin Diesel recently found himself in the hot seat after the actor's YouTube channel was called inappropriate by the board of executives. Diesel and YouTube leadership had words in an emotionally-charged conversation streamed on the website.

"You're filming yourself.... pooping, into the toilet, which I'm told isn't currently breaking any guidelines so there's nothing we can do, but don't you feel ashamed of yourself?"

Diesel recently started the channel to promote the Netflix series Fast and Furious: Spy Racers and doesn't see anything wrong with the videos.

"I don't show logs, I don't show hogs. I cover up the sounds with a SpongeBob laugh, I even keep an air freshener in the outlet. I'm not hurting anybody."

While Diesel makes valid points, the YouTube board of executives is opposed to the idea of potentially showing sensitive content to minors.

"That SpongeBob laugh isn't fooling anybody. I don't know what you're eating but I guarantee that toilet looks like a Jackson Pollack painting. It's SpongeBob laughing and marbles hitting porcelain in the background."

Diesel fired back, giving an impassioned response to the executives' claims.

"I understand where you're coming from, but I think you view your audience as numbers. I treat my fans like family, and family doesn't poop with the door closed. It's that simple."

Diesel and YouTube seem destined to continue locking horns for the foreseeable future. YouTube has contacted Viacom to file a copyright claim but the company seems happy with the free publicity. We will continue to update as more information becomes available.

Comedian and radio personality Ron Sexton, known to listeners of “The BOB & TOM Show” as “Donnie Baker,” has died.

Sexton’s family announced his death Saturday morning in a post on his official Facebook page.

“It is with immense sadness that we let everyone know that Ron Sexton passed away yesterday. He was Donnie Baker to most of you, but Ron and Dad to us. Please respect our privacy at this time and pray for our family,” the post said.

Sexton passed away in Ohio on Friday while on tour with his stand-up comedy show, according to a statement attributed to Tom Griswold on “The BOB & TOM Show” on Twitter.

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Legendary comedian and host of popular game show 'Family Feud', Steve Harvey, is in the hot seat once again after a former lover came forward with allegations that the late host has a custom dialysis machine that hooks up to his penis.

The anonymous lover reported that since their relationship began, Harvey connected his penis to this machine “in order to retain penile youth.” Normal dialysis machines cycle and filter blood within the body, replacing kidney function, but this custom dialysis machine only filters blood around Harvey’s penis and gonads. The anonymous lover also tells us that the blood came from a “twenty year old blood boy” whose sole purpose was getting his blood drawn which would then be filtered around Harvey’s Vampenis.

Harvey's former lover remains anonymous, but recently filed court documents allege that they "had to insert the needles into [his] shaft . . . it looked painful, [they] couldn't keep up," says the source. "One time it got infected so his penis was an unrecognizable blob of slop. [They] left him two weeks later".

Harvey is currently trying to get the case moved to the Transylvanian penal system, which he claims "would be funny". We will update with more details as they become available.

Source: TMZ.com

Twitter's recent rebrand has the internet buzzing, but nobody is more invested in the change than the CEO of Twitter, now X, Elon Musk. In a recent X thread, Musk described his thought process.

"It's been a long time coming. I've wanted to rebrand the site since I bought it; this new name is a reference to all of my eX-wives, my eX-children, my eXpectations for myself. I look at my life and I see rubble. I want that rubble to spread. I want chaos and turmoil all around me so I can build upon the demolished wreckage of the past. That's going to be my future; rebirth after destruction, and that begins with this accursed website."

Musk has fully leaned into his villain persona in the past 24 hours, expounding even further into this clearly pre-written manifesto:

"I look at all of you, happy despite being poor and it makes me sick. You try to troll me, not understanding the mental strength it takes to live my life. You think sending me Goatse and Lemonparty will stop this? That's just a bunch of guys being gay. That's nothing I haven't seen before."

Musk has continued to write the thread even to the time of reporting; we will update soon with further ramblings.

Tragedy struck the White House this past weekend resulting in Joe Biden breaking down in tears during a planned speech about unemployment. Biden wistfully looked into the distance before saying "She always loved unemployment".

Biden has been inconsolable since the news broke, with his son Hunter taking up the responsibility of primary support. The president reportedly "couldn't get out of bed" for several days and sources close to the situation claim the only thing that got him out of the rut was a chemically-induced bout of mania.

"He kept asking for a hit of the crack pipe, he kept saying 'Pass the crack, Jack' until Hunter was basically forced to let him have one," says White House spokesperson Garreth Wimbledon.

The president's behavior hasn't escaped the watchful eyes of his rivals. Former president Donald Trump spoke on Biden's condition at a rally this weekend, saying "All my wives are still alive. This guy, he's supposed to be leading the country, he can't even lead his wife to the hospital. Now I hear he's smoking crack. Folks, do we want a crackhead in the White House? No, absolutely not. The only Coke I'm having comes out of a can, the only scoring I'm doing is in the polls."

It is unknown whether or not the president is still using; we will update with more information as it becomes available.

Actor James Gandolfini, star of "The Sopranos,” died Wednesday while on vacation in Italy. He was 51.

The exact cause of death is not known, but his managers said it was possibly a heart attack.

His body is in a hospital morgue in Rome. Once the U.S. Embassy issues a death certificate, Gandolfini’s remains can be returned to the United States.

“It is with immense sorrow that we report our client, James Gandolfini, passed away today while on holiday in Rome, Italy,” managers Mark Armstrong and Nancy Sanders said in a joint statement. “Our hearts are shattered and we will miss him deeply. He and his family were part of our family for many years and we are all grieving.”

The actor had been scheduled to make an appearance at the Taormina Film Fest in Sicily this week.

Tragedy struck this past Thursday when Tim Gunn, executive producer and longtime mentor on Project Runway, was shot and killed after a contestant refused to accept a loss in the competition. The sore loser reportedly screamed "The colors aren't gonna be the only thing bleeding and washed!" before firing several rounds at Gunn. He unfortunately bled to death as the entire cast and crew watched, refusing to steal his spotlight. Gunn will be missed by fans, judges and contestants for years and years to come.

Curious as to how much blood the human body actually holds? Stream his untimely death now, only on Roku Channel! If you're trying to find funeral looks from the tribute episode, we've got you covered at JCPenney or JCP.com.

THE Titan submarine vessel that made headlines early July for going missing and then being reported to have “catastrophically imploded” as many news sources allege, it is possible from a new source that the crew members on board did in fact “suffer” during their descent to the wreckage of the titanic. Mary Johnston who worked for Ocean Gate as an operations specialist tells us that the events that were reported are simply “untrue”. “We were there, we heard it, we were told not to speak to any news agencies because it looked ‘bad’ on the company. I don’t understand what they were expecting to hide, all of us on the mothership heard the live feed, we heard their screams but we couldn’t do anything, it’s very traumatic for all of us.” We asked Mary what she think happened to the vessel, she said, “the vessel imploded yes but it wasn’t in a split second, the material for the hull was strong so instead of imploding in an instant, it kind of crushed itself, think of stepping on a can of soda but slowly pushing it against your feet. From the audio recordings alone, I can determine for myself that the crew on board were being crushed together… it’s just horrible to think about, and the sounds they made fill me with horror.”

Mary’s report also correlates with the audio data the US Navy shared publicly. The data shows that abnormal sounds were being picked up for at least one minute and a half which could mean instead of one loud implosion being picked up, several sounds were being recorded within that time frame in which the vessel was collapsing in on itself. “I wouldn’t condemn the false information being shared, we live in an era of disinformation so it’s hard to distinguish fact from fiction, but the fiction here in this case unfortunately is that the submarine imploded in point one of a second. It’s not true.” Mary stopped working for Ocean Gate after the incident and is currently in the process of writing a book about the disaster.

Reddit users came together to support a man who goes by the name "LearningToBeSoft" who swore off of masturbation after he allegedly "tore his thing up from dry jacking". The man's post, now deleted, told a harrowing tale of addiction and lust. It went from desperate to inspirational, captivating the community and making the man's story one of the most awarded posts on the website.

Reddit's NoFap community is one of the bastions of chastity on the internet; what makes it truly exceptional is that it's chaste as well as secular. Few sites have been able to walk that line, with notable examples being NPR.org and Neopets.com. Many on the site subscribe to no higher power but there are some that believe they can store up their semen and work it up their spine to gain some kind of mystical abilities. LearningToBeSoft is one of them. He spoke with TMZ today to explain his thought process:

"I realized how often I'd been wasting my chakras inside of a Bang Bus and realized I needed to make a change. If you've heard the story of Yakub, you know that humans used to be able to do telekinesis and create new species. Most of those texts state that the cracker race cannot access these abilities but I am determined to find out for myself. This is the first step on a journey that ends with godhood."

Details are still breaking on this story, we will update with more information as it becomes public.

STAR of several blockbuster films most notably Marvel, actor Jeremy Renner calls out Disney in an interview he had with 60 Minutes. The rising star who reprised his role as the character Hawk Eye, a bow and arrow wielding superhero with the ability to never miss a shot, was in a freak accident late November of last year. “I still have nightmares” the actor says, “the rough of it is over but I still feel the dread some days. It’s made me think you know A LOT.” Mister Renner suffered a fracture to the skull, fractured orbital bone, multiple broken ribs that punctured his lungs and liver, and luckily he survive the ordeal. “When I was laying on the snow all I could think about was ‘this is it, this is it’ but this wasn’t it (laughs). When asked about his own show coming up on Disney +, the actor remained silent and said “you know I could say some things that would be very hard to hear…. I won’t say them, but screw that show.” A confused interviewer pursued a reasoning behind his vague answer, why would Renner tarnish the reputation of his Disney + show? Renner answered, “for what it’s worth, I’ve been paid a lot and I’ve made multiple connections working at Disney… but there’s no doubt in my mind the accident was staged, they knew Rennervations was going to flop, they needed to give the ratings a push.” After the accident Rennervations did do well on the streaming service, for two weeks it became third highest streamed show on the platform, just below Wandavision and Loki.

Could this spell the end of the Hollywood star’s relationship with Disney? A claim this bold could only mean there’s a feud between the company, did Disney run stage the incident? Disney has yet to make a public announcement, they may be wanting to keep a low profile on this situation for the time being. The future for Jeremy Renner remains unknown.

ANTHONY Keidis lead singer and songwriter for the Red Hot Chilli Peppers has died at the age of 57 after being hit by multiple police cars during a high speed chase. Witnesses say the late singer was crossing the street carrying bags of groceries until he was suddenly struck by a convoy of LAPD cruisers hit him repeatedly. One witness told us, "after the first car struck him he kind of spun around like a cartoon character and then fell on the floor dropping all his groceries. He then started moaning and then it got louder... he was crying in pain for someone to help him but then moments later another car finished him off. It was horrible." Police have yet to make an official statement on the death of Mister Kiedis but have denied responsibility. Deputy Commisioner said in a brief interview, "accidents happen, we were amidst a chase and pursuing a target who was a threat... if you hear sirens jump out of the way."

Anthony is survived by his three kids, youngest being eight and oldest thirteen and his Wife Darlene Keidis

Matt Christman, host of the popular leftist podcast Chapo Trap House, recently announced that he was leaving the show indefinitely. He announced the departure via a livestream in which he was obviously intoxicated the entire time, slurring his words and stomping around. Christman repeatedly screamed “They put me on Virgil leave!”

“We did put him on Virgil leave,” says Will Menaker, another host of the show. Menaker sat down for an interview with TMZ last Sunday to clear the air. “Look, I haven't talked to Amber and have had basically one conversation with Matt since it happened. I don't have any answers but we know he can't come back.”

The controversy arose after Rhea Seehorn, of Better Call Saul fame, posted screenshots of Christman's messages to her. In the pictures, Christman repeatedly says “pwease gimme me feety” and posted pictures of himself unsuccessfully trying to pop his pecs. It is unclear what Christman wanted from the encounter, but the actress was understandably shaken by what seemed to be the podcaster desperately attempting to sate his foot fetish.

There are no further details at this point, we will update as more information is released.

CILLIAN Murphy the star of the upcoming Nolan film Oppanheimer is facing legal issues after the actor beat a twenty two year old during a Q&A at General Plaza Theatre in L.A. Many witnesses were shocked as Cillian “laid in a few deadly blows to the young man’s head” said one security guard who was “in such a state of shock I couldn’t even move.” Witnesses say that the young man walked up to the mic and asked Cillian if he was a SIGMA male, a term used within the incel community (involuntary celibate) which describes a person outside of the norm, a lone wolf. In more recent times has the SIGMA definition been used and many portrayals of antiheroes in cinema become “icons” of the SIGMA fandom, one of those characters is Tommy Shelby from the BBC show Peaky Blinders which Cillian has been reprising for almost a decade now. “After asked the question Cillian looked around and had a smirk and laughed a bit… everything changed when he became expressionless and walked over and grabbed the man by the neck and started beating his head” one member of the audience said.

Cillian has been detained and is in custody by the LAPD’s Sheriff’s department.

Source: https://www.tmz.com/

LEGENDARY singer / songwriter Billy Joel is in custody after the late singer “begged” elderly lady to jump inside a bear enclosure at Central Park Zoo. The incident occurred on Monday around noon, the victim in question spoke to us and had this to say: “he told me to jump inside and he would play me a song. I believed it when he said it but my daughter was telling me not to. I thought it was part of a tv show”. Witnesses rushed to find security personnel who then contacted the authorities who then arrested him on the scene. Another witness reached out to us: “it was surreal, once he got cuffed he started singing “my life” as he soiled his pants and started laughing hysterically, I was dumbfounded”.

The charges still remain and bail has yet to be unveiled.