fakenews

(Reuters) LONDON - Russia's Yevgeny Prigozhin, a close ally of President Vladimir Putin, said on Sunday via ouija board that a former mercenary who was filmed being executed by a sledgehammer blow to the head after changing sides in the Ukraine war was a traitor.

Prigozhin, a Russian businessman who founded the Wagner private military group, was responding to an unverified video distributed on Telegram that showed a man identified as a former Wagner mercenary and star of the Sopranos James Gandalfini being executed after admitting that he had changed sides in September to "go home and eat an entire tray of ladyfingers".

In the footage, the 60 year former actor and combat medic was shown with his head taped to a brick wall. Gandalfini was sentenced to 25 years for possessing THC vape cartridges after flying to the pariah nation to join the national womens basketball team. He took a deal with Wagner to be released from prison early in exchange for the combat and leadership skills brought by Tony Soprano. He said he was abducted in Kyiv on Oct. 11 and came around in a cellar.

"I got hit over the head and lost consciousness and came around in this cellar," he said. "Just to be clear, Im not gay, I dont normally hang around in cellars."

As he said those words, an unidentified man loitering in combat clothing behind Gandalfini smashed a sledgehammer into the side of his meatball.

Gandalfini collapsed onto the floor as several tweeting birds flew over around his head, the disgrace actor then pleaded "waiter, check please"

Anti Italian politicians celebrated. Sergei Mironov, leader in parliament of the Kremlin loyal A Just Russia party stated: "I never liked the Sopranos, other than the scene where they kill a man for being gay. That I can get behind"

Reuters was unable to immediately verify the video which appeared on the Gey Zone Telegram channel, one of several that Russian media said was linked to the Wagner group. The video was posted under the title "The hammer of revenge".

Asked to comment on the execution video, Prigozhin said in remarks released by his psychic that the video should be called "A dog receives a dog's death".

Prigos spirit has not responded to request for comment if he has ever killed a dog in such a manner

First lady Dr. Jill Biden has tested positive for COVID-19, her communications director confirmed Monday.

"This evening, the First lady tested positive for COVID-19. She is currently experiencing only mild symptoms," Elizabeth Alexander, communications director for the First lady, said in a statement Sunday night.

Following Dr. Biden's positive test, President Joe Biden took a COVID test on Monday evening and tested negative, his press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said in a statement.

"The President will test at a regular cadence this week and monitor for symptoms," Jean-Pierre noted in the statement.

President Biden is scheduled to depart the U.S. on Thursday for a trip to India and Vietnam.

POLICE CHIEF Andrew Richardoff is in critical condition after an incident occurred where his penis was severed by none other than the Mayor of New York, Eric Adams. Eric Was giving a speech in front of the newly constructed precinct on the Lower East Side, next to Adams stood Chief Richardoff who was due to give a speech following Adam’s. Things went astray when the mayor stopped his speech and held onto his head for a moment with his left hand, Richardoff consoled Eric by putting his hand on his shoulder but in an instant the mayor shrank and morphed into a rat. The rat then ran up the chief’s pant legs and started gnawing at his penis, the chief was giving out loud painful screams and collapsed on the floor. The rat was then seen scurrying the scene with a bloody severed penis in its mouth as multiple police shot at it in an attempt to “get the dick back.” In doing so the police killed three and injured eleven more.

The whereabouts of the morphed mayor are unknown

Scientists from Bangladesh University of Rotary Science have found that the global climate trajectory is headed will result in 3 billion deaths by 2030. This is due to increased infertile land, crop shortages, safe water shortages, deaths as a result of heat, new viruses, just to name a few.

Scientists from Illinois Diseases Control Department also allege that a new pandemic is “around the corner” which will “be such a hit to our medical departments they will seize to function” says Doctor Westbrook who has been studying virology for 25 years. “What we discovered is horrific. It’s nightmarish.” Westbrook who is also a professor at California University is studying a viral strain of Avian flu, very similar to the AVN1 that was infecting several mammals throughout the Americas and has a 56% death rate. “Luckily there are vaccinations but supply and demand will be much harder to navigate in our current medical climate. Many companies would refuse to manufacture the vaccine due to its high cost and their primary focus on solely producing Covid and common flu vaccines.”

ZELENSKY is [https://youtu.be/Uyf_lImpdRw](Running Out Of Time) as the west is starting to be more vocal about their faith in the country and their multiple losses in the war. To add to the total amount of those losses, Zelensky dropped a tactical nuke on top of Kyiv which killed 15 thousand with many more injured and “missing.” General Sukmeov who has become a major figure on the Ukrainian side said that this was a final “push” and a desperate plea for the NATO forces to intervene. “We had no other choice but to do this. We are running out of people to fight for us and even though every counteroffensive has been successful we believe this one will have the most success. The NATO troops can’t ignore the use of a nuclear weapon so our aim is to trick the Russians into believing the NATO troops are ready to fight them so they go head to head in battle instead of going for us.”

Zelensky appeared on Master Chef last night in another attempt at bolstering support for The Ukraine. “As our country cooks because a nuke was used, we urge you contestants to think about the fallen victims of this tragedy whilst you cook your meals.”

This is it I guess

ARCHAEOLOGISTS from the University of Central Florida have made quite the discovery this week as leader of the excavation Dr. William 'Bill' Brackers, lead archeologist for the dig, claims to have found what he believes to be “the skull of Yakub.”

Yakub was first mentioned in a Nation of Islam text The Making of the Devil, a full chapter on Yakub describes him as an alchemist who existed in 4000 B.C. The text alleges that Yakub was the sole creator of the white race and used a method known as grafting to create the first subjects of the white race.

Dr. Brackers, who has been an archaeologist for fifty years, and a professor at UCF for 12 of them, was quite ecstatic with this discovery. “I am beyond speechless,” Bill exclaimed, “I've been talking about Yakub to anyone who would listen but KKKracKKKer forces kept intervening. I've been sent to state hospitals for laying down the foundations of research that will be vindicated very soon.”

Although this is a great discovery for some archaeologists, many locals aren’t as pleased with the discovery. White Castle had to be closed for a week and then reopened its doors but the drive through remains closed for the time being. People have been protesting outside the restaurant, demanding the drive-thru be opened. Many of the protesters threw excrement while singing the Star Spangled Banner and chanting “Nobody made me, I was American made.”

Despite resistance, Brackers has compiled a team of professors, students, and two foreign archaeologists to uncover the mystery behind the bulbous skull claimed to be home to the most powerful brain of its generation. “One of our students unearthed the skull and at first site we couldn’t believe what we were seeing. That was until we unearthed the skull entirely and discovered it to have been of human origin. The sheer size and mass alone would surely pose doubts to whether this belonged to a human, the skull does weigh over sixty pounds which is roughly five times that of a regular human skull. None of our calipers were large enough, we had to order a custom set just for this occasion.” We will keep you updated as further information is available.

SMOKE filled the air today in the town of Cranberry located in Houston with firefighters rushing to put out the flames that engulfed the majority of a nursing home. The accused is famous YouTuber MatPat who gained his popularity from posting video game conspiracy theories among other theories. MatPat has a cherry persona, a distinct excited voice, a bright sense of humor, if convicted, what drove him to this crime?

A screenshot of a discord chat (gaming social media platform with dedicated servers where gamers convene) is making rounds on social media with MatPat alleging he is going to “do something cool” and repeating the phrase “I wish old people burned to death, would be funny.” Before the incident occurred, MatPat posted a selfie a few hundred yards from the nursing home, he holds a Jerry can close to his wicked smile and posted the image with an emoji of flames 🔥.

Police are looking for MatPat who has appeared to have gone missing. “He knows we’re looking for him” says Michael Phillips, deputy sheriff at Houston PD. “We have the death penalty here, remember that. We will find you best save everyone some time here and come forward.” The sheriff continued. If convicted, Mat will most likely face the death penalty.

MORRISEY infamous for his far right screeds on twitter has died at the age of 63. The lead singer of 80s alt-rock band The Smiths has gained notoriety throughout social media platforms and even former band mates, Johnny Marr who was lead guitarist for the group turned to twitter “celebrating” his former band mate’s death. “A once in a lifetime occasion like this is cause for celebration” he tweeted but later removed after being slated online by devout Morrissey fans who think Marr went too far.

Morrissey was a frequent traveler to Spain and spent a lot of the time in various resorts and villas. An employee of the resort his body was found at spoke to us about the late singer and how much of a nuisance he was, “he was a very nasty and rude person and he had no respect for any of the staff, almost like we were below him… he just wouldn’t acknowledge us or treat us with any dignity. Towels would come back with brown stains, bed sheets too, one time he smashed all the windows and started throwing glass bottles so we were forced to close the pool down for the day because it was too dangerous. The manager didn’t care he just said “Morrissey is money” and that was it, he didn’t care for our well-being either. After he left the resort and it was time to clean we needed about three of us to complete the task and to throw things out, it was too much work for one person it would have taken hours. He also smelled of poo a lot of the time. He was horrible and I’m glad he isn’t coming back.”

Witnesses at the scene claim that Morrisey was in the tub “laughing obnoxiously” with fans, “about 5 other people in there with him” says Hannah Smith, who was also on holiday at the resort. “He was being loud and I think it’s because he was drunk, he kept trying to show off and kept singing his songs. People would be in mid conversation and he would just start saying ‘I am the son and heir of nothing in particular’ from that one sh*te song he did. I think he thought it was cool because he wouldn’t laugh but I think everyone would just feel awkward. I was getting a headache so I decided to leave but that’s when I heard people from the tub moaning and jumping out. One of the lads was walking in my direction and he just kept repeating ‘he shat in the pool, Morrissey shat in the pool’. I smirked a bit and then went to my room. I didn’t know he died but whatever.”

The coroners report concluded that Morrissey had a blood alcohol level of 0.36% and had died of asphyxia from water in the lungs. He also had a cirrhosis, a small tumor in the testicles, and a blockage in the small intestine.

AINSLEY Harriott renowned celebrity chef known for his exuberant charisma is currently in intensive care after the chef set his groin alight during a live stream for BBC’s Good Food YouTube channel. “He is in critical condition at the moment after suffering severe third degree burns. We are doing everything we can to treat mister Harriott” says doctor Ian Godard of Whinfertshire Hospital.

According to viewers who were exposed to the horrific stream, Ainsley was planning on cooking a seafood bisque with a caprice salad but as he started to fry the mussels he grabbed a jerry can from below him and started pouring it over his groin. Merideth Caldwell from Surrey gives her account of what happened next, “he just kept saying ‘rub it in, rub it in now’ and I was just so confused I thought it was a prank but I wasn’t in the slightest amused. He then grabbed a towel that was over his shoulder and put it in the flames from the burner he was using to cook and then slapped it over his groin. He set ablaze immediately and started laughing frantically until screaming in pain. He then said ‘quick help me put it out put it out’ and that was it. I felt sick to my stomach I don’t know how to deal with this.”

So why wasn’t the stream cut before the mayhem ensued? We asked BBC and reached out to their channel but didn’t receive any response. The Good Food Twitter (X) channel left a tweet claiming they had fired a member of staff behind the channel as they had “fallen asleep” on the job.

Legendary director Werner Herzog is making rounds in the cinesphere after the late directors latest film is screened at Cannes. Many audience members were shocked with many of them fleeing the theatre in terror, Werner who was also in the audience shouted “Stop! Turn the lights on turn on the lights!… it’s just a movie look I still have my penis” and proceeded to pull his pants down to reveal a bloody festering stump. According to one witness, as Herzog was standing taught and exposing himself and was grinning the whole time, “he looked like the devil incarnate, proudly exposing his self mutilation as if it was all part of some abstract work of art. It was nothing short of a desperate attempt to garner attention. My respect for him as an artist has plummeted.” But other members are not as quick to judge the late director with one person calling it “his magnum opus” and “a spectacular display of true artistry that can only be experienced once, it’s a once in a life time opportunity and I am glad to have shared it with Herzog himself.”

Herzog was later detained by French police for exposing himself and proceeded to reenact a scene from his film Aguirre, The Wrath of God / Aguirre, Der Zorn Gottes as he was being arrested. As Herzog was reciting a speech by the mad conquistador, he was expelling waste from his anus. Witnesses recall some police recoiling and vomiting as Herzog laughed and kept passing diarrhea all over them. Some theories suggest Herzog is suffering from dementia and this wretched display is a part of his mental degradation.