Relationships

“We had an arrangement, be discreet and don’t be blatant. There had to be payment, it had to be with strangers,” sings Lily Allen in her surprisingly candid and detailed album thought to be about her open relationship with her ex-husband.

The album has catapulted the concept of non-monogamous relationships into the spotlight, and couples therapists report that an increasing number of their clients are choosing to go down this route.

But as Allen’s album makes clear, while open marriages, or consensual non-monogamy, may work for some, they can also go very wrong – and there are a number of common pitfalls to avoid.

“It’s a risky business emotionally. I’m seeing it more and more in the work that I do, but how it manifests itself varies hugely,” said Katherine Cavallo, a psychotherapist and spokesperson for UK Council for Psychotherapy. My wife is my best friend. How do I tell her I want an open marriage?

“It’s normal for feelings of jealousy and insecurity to emerge, and those need to be responded to. The existing relationship, the attachment between the couple, needs to be maintained as well.

“And things can always change. It has to be an ongoing process in which things are continually reviewed to make sure it remains consensual.”

Communication, consent and trust were key, she said, and if agreed boundaries were not adhered to, it could lead to “significant emotional and relational trauma”.

People choosing to open up their relationship after one partner has had an affair, or doing it in order to “fix” something, are cause for concern. “It’s bound to be problematic going down that route,” Cavallo said.

Katerina Georgiou, a psychotherapist and senior-accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, said there was an important distinction to be made between people who identify as polyamorous, and heteronormative couples choosing to do this.

The latter might choose to open up a marriage for “sexual experimentation, to create intimacy by playing with sexual dynamics, or an agreement as a result of circumstances such as being apart for a while”, she said.

The modern dating world, and dating apps, were also fuelling the shift, she said. “People are being more liberal, but I think there’s also some people maybe being pressured into it. I’m seeing more of that feeling that it’s too vanilla to just want straight monogamy.”

Juliet Rosenfeld, a psychoanalyst and author of Affairs: True Stories of Love, Lies, Hope and Despair, said the growth of open relationships was part of a wider societal trend in which “the idea of the couple is shifting radically”.

“It’s a challenge for therapists because there is a much wider range of ways to be in a couple now,” she said. “A monogamous lifelong relationship is simply not what a lot of people, in particular women, want.”

Marriage and birthrates have declined rapidly across the UK and elsewhere in recent years, and in England and Wales, the proportion of adults who have never entered a legally registered partnership increased from 26.3% in 1991 to 37.9% in 2021.

Rosenfeld said there were a number of potential positives, as well as negatives, in opening up a relationship. “In marriage now there is feeling that people want the other person to be everything – a partner, best friend, teammate, lover – which is very pressurising. So one way of looking at an open marriage is it’s a way of taking pressure off that,” she said.

“But I would be looking to understand whether wanting other people in the relationship was a way of avoiding ending it. If you are in an open marriage, how do you not know that your partner isn’t trialling someone else to replace you?”

She said there was a growing acceptance and normalisation of open relationships, but still a lack of understanding about exactly what makes them work well. “We don’t know enough about what kind of characterological capacity or strength people need to be in a consensual non-monogamous relationship.

“What happens if one person falls in love, for example? What does the couple do then? When you remove sexual exclusivity, what else are you removing? What else are you taking away?”

Whether you are pitching a market expansion, proposing a strategic acquisition, or advocating for a major technology investment, you often face objections. The stakeholders might say the timing is wrong, the risk is too high, or the resources should be allocated elsewhere. Whenever you must bring someone over to your point of view, you are likely to get pushback and objections. Learning to deal with objections is a key negotiation skill and one that every business owner or executive must master.

While objections might raise different concerns, they generally take one of three forms:

“Yes, but…,” such as “Yes, but we already have a strategy that works fine.” 
“What if… ?” as in “What if we adopt this strategy and it doesn’t work?”  
“Why should we… ?” For example, “Why should we make this change now, just as people are recovering from recent layoffs?” “Why should we restructure our leadership reporting now, just as we’re stabilizing after the recent acquisition?” 

To bring your reader or listener over to your side, you must be prepared to deal with these objections—and any others that come your way.
Put yourself in the other person’s position

Imagine you were opposing your own proposal. What objections would you have? Consider what you know about your audience: What are their likely concerns? What are their questions? What form are their objections likely to take? The following responses that can help.

1. Acknowledge the person’s objection

You might say, “I hear that you’re concerned about the regulatory requirements of this proposal and how this might affect our relationship with investors.” Then, restate the objection to be sure you truly grasp their meaning.

You could say, “Let me be sure I understand. You’re saying that moving forward with this proposal could trigger regulatory scrutiny that might complicate our other priorities and potentially concern our key investors. Is that correct?” or “If I understand you, you’re worried this could create compliance risks that outweigh the strategic benefits. Did I get that right?”

If the prospect says no, ask for clarification before moving on. This step reassures the other person that you are genuinely listening and that you respect their perspective.

2. Respond to the objections thoughtfully

Respond effectively by demonstrating the benefits of your proposal and describing the costs of not acting. For example, in the board of directors’ case, you could point out that your current strategy does not consider the impact of artificial intelligence on your operations, while the proposed strategy seamlessly integrates AI into the organization. You might also point out that other organizations have successfully implemented similar strategies.

Your description of costs and benefits should focus more on the value of your proposal than the cost. When you clearly convey value, cost becomes less significant.

3. Collaborate to find a solution that feels manageable and worthwhile for everyone

Rather than pushing your position, invite others to share their ideas for addressing the issue. Work together toward an approach that satisfies both sides.

For example, you might establish a phased implementation with designated oversight checkpoints or form a steering committee to oversee the rollout. You could provide data-backed risk assessments, detail contingency plans, and show how the proposal aligns with long-term vision and goals.

For organizational changes, you can offer to hold company-wide meetings where you explain how the prospective change aligns with the company vision, enabling everyone to voice their concerns. Whatever solution you arrive at should feel like a win-win. You should feel heard, and the other party should become an active collaborator in solving the problem.

When you follow these three steps—acknowledge, respond, and collaborate—you will find it easier to respond empathetically and confidently to even the thorniest objections, especially in times when resources are tight, and decisions carry more weight. Please try this method and let me know how it works for you. You can reach me at lizd@worktalk.com if you’d like to share any examples or have questions.