Autism

wondering if anyone has resources to readup on this stuff, recently had an autistic burnout/breakdown type of event...just kind of wondering what all of my issues are autism related and how to manage them.

was apparently diagnosed with autism back in gradeschool when i was diagnosed with adhd, but my mother decided to keep that information from me so i could "grow up normal". which...i guess worked, cause i'm late 20's and had no clue until this whole breakdown thing happened, guess she was finally concerned enough to spill the beans.

Bert is settling in! I think I am mostly over my cold.

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cross-posted from: https://piefed.blahaj.zone/c/womensstuff/p/454873/anyone-struggling-with-the-holidays-this-year

Anyone struggling with the holidays this year?

I am alive.

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So I had my septoplasty today, and I admit it, the surgery wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be. Honestly, I barely remember anything about being in the OR, other than what it looked like. I don’t remember how I got put to sleep, I feel like maybe I wore a mask, but at the same time, can’t remember.

I do remember, however, how the recovery room was. I hate to say this, considering I usually hate being in the recovery room after surgery, but this time was absolutely wonderful. I woke up to realize that it was over (the best part), and on top of it, my nose didn’t even have stents in it! My nurse was wonderful and gave me medicine as I was sore and a little nauseous. Also TMI, She also helped me go to the bathroom, which has always been a big issue for me after anesthesia for some reason as I have always to. At first I actually asked her if she could insert a catheter because I had to go so bad, but she suggested I try something else first. Surprisingly, I actually did manage to relieve myself that time. After that, she and the other nurse told me to close my eyes for a while. I did, but never actually fell asleep. My ENT actually admitted to me that the deviation was worse than she thought, but I can already breathe so much better and am doing well overall.

Now onto the not so fun part, I’ve been bleeding quite a lot and have a really large blood clot in my nose (which I was told is normal, but I am not allowed to blow it out). I am also not able to rinse with nasal rinse until tomorrow. It is also very hard for me to eat and talk as I am sore and have blood dripping down my throat, but overall, I’m glad I got this surgery.

I thought it was Thursday pretty much all day yesterday. Still have a cold. Dash decided to lay on my lap yesterday.

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So it is currently 1:30 am and I just cannot sleep. I’m getting a septoplasty tomorrow and that’s all I’ve been thinking about. I’m actually not as nervous now as I was before, but still worried about how everything will go.

Am I overreacting? Has anybody else felt like this the night before surgery?

Cold is in full force. Feel miserable.

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I am 24/7 alone, in a room.

I usually have bad dreams, or nightmares, sometimes I don't know if I had a bad dream or a nightmare.

I see humans in my dream it is usually bad dreams.. always is bad dreams. And ai like it because I miss socializing with humans. I talk with people online and recently I got banned from reddit, I don't know why qnd I apoealed many times.

it is the only social media platform I use to interact with people.

I am not okay, I might have MCI, that's the best answer I got from a neurologist, but I don't know, I wish if I could see another one. MCI is judt a general term that you have decline in cognition and memory. The doctor said it is just aging autism brain.

I am hated by everyone, and I get it.

I am very old (I ha e a rule not to share my age, to remain private) but I am unable to take care of myself, and I know one day I have to end my life.

To preserve dignity, it will look like an accident, but I am afraid of that day, I don't think I could do it.

Recently I thought I can't live this life, but as soon as I thought of death my stomach burned and I was terrified like when you see a wild animal

That fear was upsetting because I am scared of the process of death.

I started something new. I take sleeping pills this way the day passes by faster

Shdowbanning should be illegal.

I have a cold. I called in for the week.

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Yesterday I cooked nine pork chops. Now I have to portion and freeze six of them today. Then I'm cutting up a whole chicken to make a dish called Forty Cloves and a Chicken. And finally I get to bake my bread this afternoon.

I started making this bread Thursday by feeding and growing my sourdough starter. Then I made the initial dough on Friday, shaped the leaves yesterday and will bake them today. I letting them rise in the refrigerator. This is called a cold fermentation and should maximize the sour taste of the sourdough. I'm going to parbake one loaf and freeze it and bake the other loaf completely. I'm very excited because so far everything has gone as planned. But that makes me nervous as well.

Here's my usual point of view in my safe space.

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Had to chase a raccoon off the patio. I think I have a cold.

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It's called "pigeon-toeing", I think. I do it all the time because I can feel a positive difference. The thing is, I have no idea why. I always assumed it was biomechanical but there may be a neuropsychological component

So I’m getting a Septoplasty next week, and I am really nervous about it. Will it hurt? Will I say something stupid under anesthesia? Will my family coddle me afterwards? There are so many concerns I have that make me want to back out.

I’ll start with the background. I’ve had terrible post nasal drip and a stuffy nose for the last three years, which started after I had a cold or sinus infection the week prior. I’ve tried every medication to try and get rid of it (Flonase, Cetrizine, Hydroxyzine, Claritin, Zyrtec, etc), nothing worked. Eventually, I went to see an ENT after turning 18, she did a nasal endoscopy and said that I most definitely have a deviated septum. I got a CT scan later on and she said my sinuses looked great, but that there is a marked narrowing and indentation on my one side. She actually suggested I don’t get surgery, since she believed it was up to me to make the decision and what I thought would be best for my quality of life. I personally had no idea what to do, as I found all of this so confusing. I asked my other doctors what they thought and they said it was a good idea for me to get it done, as they also noticed the deviation and my one doctor who helped me with TMJ issues actually noticed it in a scan I had done on my face (this was before seeing the ENT). He said there was a ton of crap in my sinuses and that’s what’s causing my postnasal drip, and that I should get surgery on it. I decided to listen to him as he has given me so much relief in the last year (he tragically died of cancer a month ago), but I’ve decided that he is the doctor I trust the most.

Anyway, my fear of this began a couple of months ago. I’ve always struggled with the feel of metal against my body, but the actual fear started when my mom was getting a blackhead out of my ear when I was a kid. Either I moved or my mom slipped, but the metal tool she was using unintentionally went far down and scratched my ear canal. There was no major damage, it just scared me because it felt like it had gone pretty deep in there and scratched the bone area of my ear. Since then, I have been really skeptical of anyone touching my ears, or any part of my body where there are bones/cartilage. While I will be put under for my Septoplasty, I am really nervous that I will feel the metal or that it will hurt.

On top of that, I have no idea how the anesthesia will make me act. I’ve heard some people are fine, while others are saying a bunch of stupid stuff. I also worry because my mom had to tell me that I might feel sick afterwards, and to make sure to get an anti nausea medication (which was already the plan lol).

The last thing, which I know I’m overreacting about, is being coddled by my family afterwards. Oftentimes, when I have a procedure or something else done, my parents have a tendency to talk to me in a baby voice, and talk to me forever afterwards, which is what annoys me the most. The other half, asking how they can pamper me and nagging me about how and when to take my medications despite the fact that I stay on top of them.

Am I overreacting? Is this surgery really not that bad and I’m just freaking out for no reason? If anyone here on the Autism spectrum has had this done and felt similar to me, I would love to know how the surgery/recovery went for you.

I am off call. Have successful sourdough bread rising in the refrigerator. Ate breakfast. Introduced Bert to the herd (he's back in his room now). About to make coffee and shower. Then out into the world to do grocery shopping. Other than the crowds I actually enjoy grocery shopping. Possibly because I enjoy cooking. Hoping to get in and out as early as possible.

Here's a Dash being cute.

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Moved Bert from the garage to the office. He's adjusting as best as he can.

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