Relationship Advice

first off, we’re both men. i’m 19, he’s 18 (carl). carl used to be very energetic, sweet, affectionate, and happy.

lately, he’s been very down, which is of course uncharacteristic of carl. whenever i ask if he’s okay, he insists he’s fine, but doesn’t want to talk about it.

everything sucks to him, his energy is very low, he usually is tired. he doesn’t really care about anything either and his personality completely changed.

for background, he gets harassed and yelled at a lot for being neurodivergent, and also

idk what the exact issue is because he doesn’t want to say. i have no clue how to help.

I asked what we meant and she replied with: “no wonder you don’t know”

then I said if she wanted to be, and that if she didn’t want me to talk to her then I wouldn’t

30 year old male, divorced last year after 9 years. Got dumped because I drink too much apparently. She was supposed to move back to her home country but ended up staying in this city.

I'm a member of the music scene and so is she so all my friends are her friends. So naturally because I'm not the pretty one, she gets all sympathy and I'm now a lonely motherfucker rejected by a lot of people I once called friends.

She hooked up with a dude who is an actual drug addict and last night. While trying to watch the band, they're making out like 5ft behind me. I shouldnt care because these people are quite literally losers compared to me but I guess I'm jealous someone cares about her and nobody cares about me.

When I went home last night alone I actually thought about ending things. I don't really know what to do going forwards. Do I just end my hobby of music because I can't deal with my jealousy? Every gig she is there and she's got a line of guys wanting to be with her while I'm left to rot alone.

Should I sell my house and quit my job and move? That's what I was up all night pondering. I feel as if this place is too small for the both of us, and she won.

Warning: This was a rant and I have NOT proof-read it, so please ignore any poor writing, lol.

I (19M) and my girlfriend (18F) have been doing long-distance for about a year. We met in-person in school, but she had a very rough home life and had to move almost 500 miles away to live with her aunt and get away from her abusive mother while she finishes her last year of school. Since she's still in school, neither one of us have been able to make the drive/flight to see one another, and the soonest we will be able to is July. I have generally been taking the distance fairly well

I'm content with our video calls and texting

but she's been having a really rough time and has been for several months. On top of being separated from me, she's away from her immediate family and all of her longtime friends, in a completely new environment where she has to adjust to customs and meet new people, and generally struggles with some minor mental health issues. With all of these things piled up, she has become incredibly depressed and is growing more and more jealous in the relationship. We've had many a long talk about all of these topics, but the problems seem to persist. She can often be short-tempered, dry over text and call, jealous of my female friends (of which I have many), and generally a bit petty. Now, I can't blame those on her

they're products of the absolutely shit situation she's been forced into

but I'm still beginning to resent her for them, and I feel awful. I've found myself avoiding her when she wants to talk, and I sometimes struggle to to keep conversations going because I feel like I'm doing most of the work. And again, I've been upfront, so she's aware of these issues and says she's trying to fix them

which I truly believe

but it's beginning to be too much.

In addition to those push factors, there's one pull factor. This has kept me up at night because I feel so awful about it. My love language is physical touch, and no, I don't mean sex. I feel and express love largely through hugs, cuddling, holding hands, and even just sitting shoulder to shoulder. Hell, I feel great receiving a high five from people! The issue, of course, is that physical touch is kind of hard from 500 miles away, so I'm starting to feel lonely despite being completely fulfilled in every other aspect of the relationship. The part that makes my stomach do back flips is that I've noticed myself starting to seek that physicality with my female friends. I have never and will never even think about physically cheating, but I have on a few occasions sat a bit too close to people, been too touchy while laughing, let a hug go on for a bit too long, or something like that. Additionally, my best friend in the whole world is female, and I know she has feelings for me. Part of me has thought about ending things with my current girlfriend and pursuing those physical desires with this friend because, well, we're already super duper close and I know she wants it, too. But I just can't bring myself to do it. I love my girlfriend so much and I can't imagine doing relationship-y stuff with anyone else despite how bad I might want it

it juts feels gross. I know that sounds backwards

I want it but it's gross

but idk; it's just how I feel. I feel I may begin or have already begun an emotional affair and I'm absolutely disgusted at myself.

I don't want to leave because I do truly love this woman, and she was everything I needed and more before she moved, but her bad situation has made me resent her. I would just wait it out until she graduates and we can be close again and all will be good again, but she plans on starting college in-state where she is, and I'm being shipped off in August to serve 4 years in the military, so I just don't think I can wait that long with how much has built up in just one year. Additionally, because she's struggling with her mental health, I fear my leaving won't be good for her physical safety because she's mentioned desires to harm herself already (though, she hasn't actually done it). I helped her out a lot with her issues with her abusive mom (I was actually the one that got her out and moved her away in the first place), so I know I mean a whole whole lot to her. She says I'm the only one close to her that's treated her with care respect. I do truly believe things will go back to normal if we can close the distance, and I do truly want a future with her, but I just don't think I'll be able to wait the time required for that.

What on earth do I do?

Today, I was talking to this girl N (who even punched me once!) and she constantly complained about having no friends.

I told her that this one girl, R, seemed very happy to have her as a friend. N said “I can’t be seen with someone like her.”

Then, with someone named J. “He’s a (n-word). I don’t like his kind.”

She rejected someone being her friend and said “I’m too cool to be seen with that (r-word).”

Eventually, I just told her that was the reason why she had no friends. She got pissed that I DARE to say such a thing.

at around 16ftm, i had a group of online friends i interacted with. i also showed a lot of signs of bipolar and still do.

my one friend ryan (17m) told me to shut the fuck up, stop complaining, “just get help already” (i had therapy) and said people with mental illness were just burdens.

ryan also seemed hypocritical to me because he would say things like that but would also CONSTANTLY talk about how depressed he was and that life is just suffering, etc.

he then told me his behavior towards me was because he takes the “tough love” approach. he also proceeded to ghost me and made excuses for his behavior because of his depression, which he also said was tough love.

furthermore, i had a few online friends (19m, 23m, 30m?)

19m was just a friend of my friend (who also happens to be my ex, at the time 17m)

23m had common interests like games and tv shows with me

30m was someone i occasionally talked to, neurodivergent and didn’t have many friends nor knew how to make any. i was the only person he talked to and i would draw for him due to him not having time to do it himself.

ryan and his friends told me i was being sa’d, in fact, severely so, but i was too naive and liked them too much to realize and that it was their job as friends to protect me.

this gave me an extreme breakdown as they repeatedly shamed me for who i interacted with, didn’t really care about what i had to say sometimes, and accused random people of being sa’d when i have actually BEEN sa’d in the past.

i told them i don’t need them to take care of me as i could control who i talked to and if any of them tried anything like that, i’d block them.

be it romantic, friendly, or even sexual harassment, my abuser said i wasn’t even good enough to be sexually harassed.

that i’m autistic and therefore less than human, an animal, a child. i shouldn’t have relationships as a “child” and i’m not even attractive enough or deserving of being kissed, touched, or pat on the shoulder in a friendly gesture.

that i never had to worry abt sexual harassment because i was that gross and autistic.

if i have any sort of interest in anything, be it a tv show, motivation for a project, a collection, etc. even if i only mention it once, i’m suddenly obsessed.

i should just give up if my plan involves many steps.

i’ve been treated badly by a “friend” for years but i’m still tempted to stay due to having a trauma bond i’m trying to break off. i mentioned once what they said to me (which is what they said in a previous post) and one of my family members said i was obsessed with them and to “just not be upset”, “why was i so insecure”, “i wasn’t abused”, etc.

i can’t mention anything to this person without him making a comment and then he asks why i don’t talk to him

And now he thinks I’m an a-hole for questioning his decision. He has a YouTube page with about 600 subscribers (more on Insta), it’s a niche topic that he could honestly probably broaden and monetize if he wanted to and had the time. There’s a lot of friendly exchange of swag and small products in the genre and quick reels and reviews that follow. But recently a company asked him to do a review of their approximately $300 product and they would send it to him free and he could keep it. Okay cool, he’s small time and wants more subs so why not. Turns out they sent him a contract to sign that specified it be a 10 minute video, specifies how it needs to be shot, what needs to be included, he can’t discuss it with other ppl, etc. They’re not paying him anything, he didn’t ask for the product, and he’s agreeing to be contractually obligated to whatever terms are in this contract for a product he didn’t even ask for. Mind you he is a professional videographer and editor by trade, a 10 minute video from his skill set, experience, and location should cost $1000s. I’m not begrudging him for doing it for free, it’s the signing of a contract this really throwing me off. Now he thinks I’m calling him stupid (I didn’t) and is insanely pissed at me for not agreeing with his decision and for wanting him to advocate for himself. I’m in real estate and deal with contracts all day long and he took my aversion to him signing something under these circumstances as an insult on his intelligence. I lost certainly didn’t mean that.

Big side note here is that we’ve recently discussed the possibility of him quitting his day job, which he’s come to hate, and focusing on trying to full time content create. But I’m genuinely worried about his ability to advocate for himself and value his worth and abilities and monetize that in any way. We would still have had this disagreement without that side note, but I’m sure it’s important to note regardless.

Anywho, where do I go from here?

my friends are mostly nice people, although obviously negative without many friends. they constantly have to bring up me having autism or being the r-slur when something comes up.

they tell me not to be friends with certain people, not to hang out with them and make more friends because “they hate me, they see me as subhuman because im autistic”.

my one friend, j (18m) has autism and needs more support than i do. he, however, tells me no one hates me except for certain bullies who have talked behind our backs, but have also talked behind like 98% of people they know’s.

the first friend i mentioned says people will continue to hate me for as long as i’m in special ed (“sp3d” and “ret4rded”) and that if i truly want to be liked, i should stop spending time with j because he’s “slow” and “severely autistic”.

she also says “I don’t wanna judge and hate autistic people but I do 🤭” but uses the “i have adhd, bipolar, anxiety, ptsd, etc!” excuse.

the odd thing is that i’m in advanced classes (all honors) but i’m being considered “slow”, which i said, but she replied with “well I don’t think you are! they do though!”

if people are actually nice to me, she says “well, they’re actually bullies but they have to be nice to autistic kids.”

she could be truthful and looking out for me, or be looking out for me with a despairing view (no hope for others)

and the thing i’m upset about the most is that people that aren’t j or them hate me because IM autistic. im in honors but still seen as slow. j is very smart but seen as slow. yes, i can see why people wouldn’t like the fact that he’s eccentric or socially awkward, but you should never assume he’s slow, especially when he’s highly intelligent.

This is messy, contradicting, and wrong.

My best friend, who I will call Grace, is an amazing woman. She is caring, fiercely independent, and protective of those she loves. Breathtakingly beautiful, both inside and out. We all have our flaws, and I know hers and accept them as they are. We’ve been like sisters for 5 years now. Grace is a cis woman, and I am a trans woman.

She is in the process of leaving her husband of 20 years, which has been a long time coming. He’s a good man, but a shit husband to her. I’ve been there for her throughout this entire difficult period of her life. Nobody knows her like I do.

I date men exclusively, as does she. Women just don’t have the right…equipment for me. I do like and prefer only the male anatomy, or so I thought. But she is something special. All that said, I think I might be falling in love with her.

Grace is in such a vulnerable place right now. She just wants to be happy. I just want to see her smile, hear her goofy laugh. We have some of the best times together. We laugh and cry together. She’s been there for me in my darkest times, and I hers. We tell each other that we love each other, though for her I’m sure it is platonic. I don’t want to ruin any of this by telling her “I think I love you”.

I don’t think that I would be “enough” for her. I just don’t think she sees me that way. I live an hour away from her. I visit her as often as I can, which is usually on the weekends. We talk on the phone often, especially now with her going through the beginning stages of a divorce. Besides my son (who is my number 1), she is the person I care about most in this life. We send each other IG reels about how much we care about each other, as best friends. She told me she cried yesterday when I sent her a couple of pick me ups.

I’d be anything or anyone I needed to be to be with her. I’m not sure that we are sexually compatible, but that doesn’t matter so much to me, as I have almost no libido. Yes she is stunning, a 10/10 on any metric, but that’s not why I love her. I love her smile. I love her ability to turn anything into a positive and to encourage those around her to do the same. I could go on and on about the things about her that make me smile.

I’ve thought about it, and I think I would even de-transition if that’s what it would take for her to be with me. This is not something I take lightly, as transitioning was the hardest and toughest thing I’ve ever done. But if I did de-transition, I’d be afraid that she would think that this was all a lie just to get with her. I’m deathly afraid of losing her as my best friend, so I say nothing.

There was one time, maybe a year or so ago, when I was plastered, that I told her brother that I thought I loved her. He told me to stop talking, so I did. I pulled him aside a week or so later and did my best to convince him that I was just confused and that I didn’t actually like her like that. But I don’t think I am confused anymore. I feel like I see clearly, and it is tearing me apart. I’m fine loving from afar, as just having her in my life is enough for me. I tell her I gave up on dating, but that’s not the whole truth. I gave up on dating because there is no one else I can see myself with but her. All I want is for her to say “I think I love you too”. But I don’t think she does.

I really wish I didn’t love her like that. It would be so much easier to hear about the attention she receives from guys at the gym or socially. But I am happy to carry on as her best friend, if that means I have her in my life.

I don’t know what to do. I mean, I think I do know what to do: remain her closest confidant and be happy for that.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I just need someone, somewhere to know this. This one sided love is enough for me I guess.

Help

ETA: I can’t help but feel like I am betraying her by feeling the way I do. I feel like a liar.

ETA, Again: Just to be clear, I would never take advantage of her current situation in an attempt to get with her. That would be gross and creepy. I have too much respect for her to even entertain the idea. She is my best friend, after all. Even though I feel the way I do, I would never do such a sleazy thing.

Thank you all for your thoughtful, and at times, blunt responses. They have helped me confirm that confessing is not the way.

Please keep them coming, I appreciate the perspective.

Honestly, I think just typing this out to internet strangers has been cathartic, as I don’t have anyone in my life to share this with that would not get around back to her. Sharing this deeply personal situation I am in has helped me think about it in ways that I really had not thought of before.

My grandpa doesn’t understand how hard it is for me to get up in the morning, to not hyperfixate, to not be emotionally unstable.

My friend says it’s normal for him to be like that and makes excuses and defenses for him.

I hope you do love reading. I'm a 19 years old male who lives in Türkiye which you might now as Turkey. For my entire life, I went through one platonic love and one failed relationship in high school. Outside of that, I never had anything serious. I spent most of my time working on my ideal project in isolation. It's been some serious time since I communicated anybody outside of my family. Really, outside of three or four family members, I don't remember having any friends for a few years. There is one year of high school where things changed a bit, but it didn't stayed so long. Shortly, I've been in isolation for total of 6 to 7 years if you contain two pieces, but last one kept going on fore more than 3 years. I have no literal experience in human communication or relationships. All I know by the experiences and learning my own thoughts, I'm very loyal and deeply connected to the people around me. This might be happening because of low count of people, but this has been a thing since childhood. I can say I'd be very loyal and love filled towards my partner, trying to support them through things. The problem is, I have many negative traits.

I know this might sound stupid or selfish to ask for a relationship now because I'm not in a good situation. I'm poor, I live in a third world country, I'm not healthy but it's just that I'm 19 years old now and maybe because of hormones -I'm not sure- I seem to want a relationship. Maybe that's because how relationship of my sister is right in front of my eyes or maybe because just the hormones. Maybe it's just wrong to look for love right now because I'm not suitable and have lots of problems but thinking this way doesn't help. For coming to the "ugly" personality title, I'm honest. I don't have emotional words or anything, I'll be logical. I personally think I can provide things that many people consider attractive for relationship. Actually that's why I lost in my last one. Because of experiences I had in my life, I can only provide minimal physical contact, I find bodies disgusting and I can't eat. Like, literally I'm underweight who finds eating very disgusting to a level where I vomit in average level. I'm not asexual too, I'm just a straight male but I can't provide physical contact at all because my brain is overthinking this situation. The human body has a skeleton and blood vessels surrounding it. Some of these vessels are very thin and delicate. In case of any contact, these capillaries put pressure on each other and cause an uncomfortable feeling. I can't physically feel them but I feel disgusting. Then there is the skin on our fingers or body. They are porous, hairy, sensitive, sticky and prepared to expel disgusting fluids such as sweat. That's disturbing. How can people enjoy physical contact? Nearly every female I found in dating apps seem to like physical contact as their love language. I do wash my hands when I touch to somebody else. Don't misunderstand me, I can find body and face beautiful even sexually but can't contact them.

Then there are eyes. Both of my eyes are problematic and even one of them see blurry -I don't have and don't want glasses- because of some self harm history. I can't even cry because when I do, they burn. And I don't like eyes. Sorry, but they are disgusting. They are two soft, round, wet and veined balls, rotating inside my skull, contacting with my skin. That's disturbing me. This started after the break-up with the last relationship of me. She had beautiful eyes so it became a problem for me.

This is hard to say so I'll just go and count down some of my problems as a list, so you can see why it's hard for me to find a date in look. Some of these are personal but this is an empty account I have here, so no one knows me. My right leg is limping because of the spine problem I have from birth. I always have humpback because of that. I have constant eye pain on both -especially on right one- , have constant headaches because of schizophrenia -yep, I do have that as well. What a surprise, eh? God-damit.- and did I said I do look like 45? I'm not a person who literally took care of my physical traits for years. I can objectively say I don't have a ugly in face. If I just wash it and take care of it a little bit, I'm sure I can be average or maybe even a bit above it, but I have forehead wrinkles because of stress. Somebody in my mom's job made fun of "us" -her and me- being too old. When I told her I'm 19 she was shocked. That feels bad that an another person in the bus stop thought I was 45. Dude, I know I'm not looking healthy but please... The problem is, not all my physical problems can go away with care like the spine problem. That's with me for life.

Even outside of physical problems, I can't say I'm a very interesting person. I spent most of my early teenage years up to this age working on my project -still not finished- Never really had a chance to have interests and I'm a kind of stubborn INTJ who dislikes everything. I just do love some Operas, Vintage Music -1800s to 1930s- and Music Boxes -Don't bully me please-, Antique female fashion -1800s to 1930s again-, reading books -solo only- and my project. Other than that I hate going outside, eating anything, sleeping and playing online games. I seem to like classical dancing, but I'm not sure, never had a partner who'd dance with me.

I tried multiple dating apps. OkCupid, Hinge, Boo and even Bumble but outside of Boo, all seemed to be based on the looks. People consider some of them personality based but I disagree. Many of them don't even allow you to filter people at all or just add a proper description. Maybe I do look for descriptions so much. Sadly my like rate was around %0.30 when I deleted Boo last night. It wasn't being very motivational. At least African scammers were there to give me some notifications. Trust me, I tried adjusting my profile to look honest, self-confident or professional. I tried messaging souls with different ways and even tried specially to choose women that are from "my level" which I saw many people talked about online. But seems like I'm not really attractive and the researches about men getting pairs in dating apps are real. I couldn't get a great chance in any of them and it doesn't seem like the person I look for is in neither of these apps. All want short term relationships, extrovert thinking, sex or just happy moments. I can't provide most of these and I look for an intelligent person who can share their love with me and understand me. Maybe even a person who enjoys my interests or support me through this project. Outside of that, I do find deep, thoughtful, intellegent and feminine women attractive. I don't have a proper "beauty" standart but I do like asymetry and special facial traits that are uncommon :)

I left most of my psychological problems behind except for these leftovers, schizophrenia and many small OCD issues. I can understand an emotional person, would like to have deep conversations and meaningful connection. Ah and I might have some -traumatic- problems with breaking up so, just know that. Sometimes feels like I wish I'd live in 1800s. Life was sucking then but relationships were more simpler. I'd like to be Phantom but the problem is it's not just half of my face like his, I don't look charismatic much as him and I don't have a Catherine. Not that I want to have the same ending with him actually.

Please don't tell me "Go outside" in this third world country where a video game is half of my wage and a coffee is the fun of the rich. There are no events, concerts or even areas to really communicate with people. I live in Sakarya, this place is straight up grassland from Garry's Mod. Even if I could communicate somebody, everybody seems to look for short term relationships where they want to share their lovers on TikTok. Look, I don't want to hate on preferences of the people. You can love any song and if you do, that's beautiful. I do respect it. I'm just trying to say I do look for a person who loves Phantom of the Opera while I'm in a country where LvbelC5's "10 Numara" song -about blonde sexy ladies- is the most listened song. Seriously, look it up, that one got 5 times views more than Phantom of the Opera on YouTube.

I don't know what to do actually. Please do not come with these, I do appreciate them but I definitely need another help;

• Emotional support: Thank you but I do need solutions.
• "Go seek out a therapist" I did. More like, I tried. Trust me that's not a solution and I'm serious.
• "Go outside" I explained this situation as well so please do not repeat.

Please remember this is my first time in years communicating with people right now -even in social media- Yeah, I'm dead serious. I seem to be locked on my project for so long, when my high school friends called me I noticed it's been years and I can't talk to anybody anymore. So please don't go hard on me.

Gggg

First off, didn't know if I should post this here, or over on the mental health board. Being focused on the interpersonal, though, I'll slap it here. Please lemme know if I should take it outside.

Second, and as a preface (maybe even the main hint I should've taken, but we'll see later on), I'm looking for a nuanced answer. I have been told that "I should go vegan if I'm allergic to veal" a lot of times before, but to my mind it's way too vehement a change for something which, as dictated by my gut, holds more nuance than that. I know it's not the standard way of doing things, but it's how I want to try to do them for now, at least.

Thirdly, I say everything from my perspective, I state solely my opinion, and draw conclusions exclusively based on my limited set of experiences, so please don't take anything I say as universally applicable or as supreme truth, because I don't, either.

So, ok, onward to the thick of it. It's about my pattern in attraction and in choosing potential partners. So far, I've primarily ended up in pretty toxic relationships, even when consciously and actively seeking something healthier as guided by my therapists. It's usually been the anxious <> avoidant dance with varying comorbid ancillaries such as reciprocally triggering each others' trauma responses, codependent <> BPD, etc., etc.

Now, my problem with all of this is that while I can recognise the mismatches and pain points when I see them - I've, unfortunately, become familiar with the dynamics of this situation, as well as the plethora of tiny little variations brought about by the different typologies of trauma clusters, I seem to be attracted primarily to characteristics which, so far, seem to be a package deal with the aforementioned unpleasantness. Even called out several incoming landmines to my therapists based on instinct in some previous relationships, which meant I started to manage avoiding the shitstorm which inevitably occurs at one point as this type of dynamic unfolds.

To note that I keep an eye out for red flags, as realistically and as attentively as possible, because I have physical abuse on my Bingo card and really don't want to have to go through hiding sharp things in my house so that my partner won't have easy access to any again. I really want something safe for myself, if anything at all, and am genuinely trying. But this shit pops up even months later, with no outward signs beforehand, and I have no idea how to account for things I can't see.

This, then, is my question: am I intrinsically attracted to that which harms me like a magnet, unconsciously, do I have fuck-me-up-dar? Or is there a possibility of having the cake and eating it, too, like, meet someone who is thoroughly fucked up (as am I), but who is keeping it in check? Because, yes, I am attracted to the existential grit brought about by hardships. I like someone with dirty hands, someone who has good reasons to not be optimistic or generally cheerful, someone who has seen the things beneath the flesh and is now knee-deep in the abyss. Being miserable together is beautiful and nothing can dissuade me of it. Can the two exist separately?

Because I tried going for the "safer" people and, without the slightest intent of condescension, it always ended up feeling very platonic on my end. It felt like interacting with an immense innocence and I couldn’t allow myself to unfold, as it would’ve been like exposing dandelions to high levels of radiation to my mind. I couldn’t reach romance, as my romance is inextricably and irredeemably influenced by who I am. My love, though sincere, is tarnished and more than a bit charred. And I don’t want to be a loved one’s harsh reality, that is one role which I wholeheartedly avoid playing. Which is why I seek someone likewise tarnished and more than a bit charred. I even tried “same, but different,” in which personality varied greatly from my base while still presenting some behavioural common ground, and I ended up receiving the aforementioned physical abuse…

I also welcome (and thank you for) any other insights you may have pertaining to this situation, even if not directly related to my question!

.

My boyfriend (m) and i (f) have been together of just about two years and we are going through a rough patch lately. We’ve been fighting a lot, and talking about going to couples counseling. It’s been exhausting, and unfortunately, i noticed he lets it affect special occasions too.

(This post is about my birthday but i will include valentines bc it was very recent, is similiar and could provide insight) The days before valentines, we were in the middle of a fight again, but i still went out of my way to get him something—even though i don’t have a car and had to ask someone to drive me. He, on the other hand, didn’t get me anything. Not even flowers (he knows i adore flowers). When i told him i was upset about that, he said it was because we were fighting that he didnt get anything. ...okay, but that didn’t stop me, did it? (Last valentines when we weren't fighting he also didnt get me anything though so)

After that, we settled things for a bit and were doing fine, but two weeks before my birthday, we got into the same argument again (its one reocurring issue). We weren’t talking much, but obviously, we both knew my birthday was coming up—it’s something he knows is really important to me.

A few days before my birthday, he said something so hurtful that i just hit my limit. I told him not to bother me on my birthday because i was so exhausted from fighting. He said that made him sad because he had wanted to spend time together and was drawing something for me. I told him: "i don’t want to see how nice you can be to me for one day and know that it’s all going to be over after this day ends."

Fast forward to my birthday. First thing, that he messages me was not to say something nice or make me feel special. Instead, he brings up our ongoing fight. Then after that, he says, “i know we aren’t on good terms, but i did want to wish you a happy birthday.” and congratulated me and that was it.

The entire rest of the day? Nothing. No messages. No checking in. He didn’t show me the drawing he said he was working on. just… silence. and yeah, he sent me flowers, but they arrived two days late. and honestly, i was expecting some kind of gift, not just flowers. Because if i had been in his position, even if we were fighting, i would’ve still wanted to show him that he mattered to me. (like i did on valentines day)

Now, i know i told him not to bother me BUT:

• 1. he already ignored that when he messaged me to bring up something regarding our fight.
• 2. how could he just… go along with it? he knows i don’t have any friends where i live. he knows i was most certainly going to be all alone that day. If the roles were reversed, i would have immediately known he was just saying that out of anger and hurt, and i wouldn’t have let him spend his birthday alone. Its not even asking him to read my mind or anything its just. it doesnt take a lot to read inbetween the lines...

I’d like to add that, overall, he is a generous guy and sometiems gives me gifts randomly (and im always thankful!). But when it comes to occasions that actually matter to me to be celebrated/shown you care about the other he just… falls flat or is empty handed. It’s very confusing to me...

so, am i overreacting by feeling really hurt that he just let me be alone on my birthday and didnt even get me anything? or is this on me because i told him not to reach out?

thankful for any feedback ;(

I want some unbiased opinions so I will try to write this from a third person perspective.

There are two friends and they have the kind of relationship where they are open about everything and talk about everything. You could say that it's similar in its depth to a familial relationship or a partnership. We will cal them friend X and friend S.

X is going through a lot and therefore is emotionally overwhelmed at times. S is also going through a lot, but not nearly to the same degree. Both friends are neurodivergent (adhd) but friend S is neurodivergent in a way that is probably more problematic for social interactions.

Both friends mostly interact over text, which S claims is a medium that lacks the nuance of other conversational mediums such as voice, video or real life. Friend X is prone to outbursts of rage over text and Friend S believes that this is because the medium lacks the nuance that could indicate for Friend S that Friend X is about to burst and therefore change their behavior.

I'm sorry that this is kind of dry and robotic, but I really want to get an unbiased perspective, which is very hard when you write things in your own words.

Now here is the issue. When X bursts, S usually would apologize but try to indicate that the conversation lacked the nuance that was needed to understand that this is an explosive topic. And friend x has in the past said that they will try to be clear about how they feel before reaching the point of an outburst.

X doesn't accept this argument and ends up blaming S for lacking emotional intelligence. S on the other hand feels that accusing them of being emotionally unintelligent is insulting and unproductive, while X claims that saying that is just defensive and avoiding responsibility.

You don't have to say who is right or wrong in this situation, but I would like to understand if calling someone emotionally unintelligent can be productive or is it just straight up like calling them dumb as they might claim.

I call her like once a week AT MOST and it's usually after she messages me asking how I am.

I don't take initiative anymore cause literally every time I call her she tells me she's busy and doesn't have time to talk to me or it's not a good time for her (it's never a fucking good time for her).

She doesn't even work she's retired now but she's constantly busy with taking care of her garden and doing renovations with my dad. And generally being his asswipe (she is the only one who cooks or cleans or plans or organizes anything, while they both worked their whole lives, to the point where she can't leave my dad alone EVER because otherwise WHO WILL COOK FOR HIM and he throws a fucking tantrum, also he can't FUCKING DRIVE and refuses to learn so my mom has to do that too ALL THE TIME)

Anyway even when she does message me she doesn't care to talk on the phone cause she's fucking busy. I'm their ONLY CHILD.

To top it all off my dad has recently gone fucking batshit insane. I mean he's usually a fucking dick but lately he's been unhinged as fuck because he has been drinking more. He's literally constantly power tripping, yelling like a fucking maniac over the smallest shit, he's fucking insufferable.

Sorry but my mom is a fucking moron and I don't see her ever leaving him. God their lives are so fucking miserable. I'd rather die in a fucking ditch than end up with a POS abuser like my dad.

He also has some mental illness where everything has to be perfect, so instead of finishing their renovations in a year or two tops, so that my mom can have a FUCKING KITCHEN or a NORMAL PLACE TO SLEEP (she's fucking old now, and has been slaving away for him her whole life) he has been taking 5 FUCKING YEARS for some basic renovations and he is NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED.

Also he is SUPER FRUGAL to the point where he is fucking miserable to live with and makes everyone's life fucking worse except his own.

I've been having a lot of guilt about leaving this shithole country and leaving them behind to fucking die alone. As much as they're pieces of shit they're still my parents and at least my mom loves me in her own fucking demented way.

On the other hand what the fuck do I need to stay here for if I can't even get them on the phone?????? And they've never given a FUCK about my needs, feelings or what I want, they've never fucking supported me in ANYTHING. I'm so fucking pissed at life

I got a message on LinkedIn about a job, it seems legit. The issue is as soon as I replied, she basically told me to apply as quickly as possible because it's time sensitive.

I don't know why this kind of rubs me the wrong way, I guess because I'm in a different time zone and I'm expected to literally drop everything for a job I might not even have an actual chance for.

Also she is the person who I would be working with, my potential future boss, and also the co owner of the company.

Am I overreacting? It just seems unnecessarily stressful idk. Also I'm very afraid of red flags now cause I ignored them at my last company and it was a nightmare.

Maybe it’s because a lot of them are girls, but they’re like this with guys too. They are very touchy with each other, but it seems awkward if it’s with me.

I’ve asked for permission and they said they don’t like physical contact, so I obviously don’t.

My friends overall seem closer with each other than with me, but I just find it kind of interesting that they make physical contact a lot but not with me (ex: hugging, holding hands, grabbing arm, etc.)

If someone could help me out, that’d be greatly appreciated! I’m not trying to judge, I genuinely don’t understand, which is why I’m asking here. I do understand some cases such as: “Sorry, I only really allow my boyfriend to do that stuff with me”.

seeking advice

Me (26/F) and my husband (33/M) has been married for 3.5 years and we both work from home. he is a programmer and for the last 5 months I began to learn create some things he need for his game that he's creating (which he asked and encouraged me to do) so I've been experiencing some grate changes (I never did anything with technology I was a writer and a literature nerd before). we shared everything from the beginning and I need to mention he always made much more money than me and even now we are living on his savings which are good. and I always do the cooking and cleaning and laundry and feeding our dog and basically everything around the house.

The problem began when once several months ago when I asked him if he can make his own coffee just once, he argued that he is the one working and trying to make money (I was unemployed at that time) so I should have some responsibility and do the things in the house and I wasn't doing enough (our dog shed a lot and I didn't have the time to vacuum yet and didn't make coffee). I didn't say anything and agreed that since i'm not doing anything else i would take care of the house. but i'm not always so clean and although i prepare every meal on time but my kitchen sometimes gets messy but the mess wouldn't stay more than 1/2 days. since then we had this conversation a few other times that the house isn't always clean enough and I acknowledged I'm a little messy and I'll try better.

So since I began to learn and create the things he asked in my computer, I had less time to clean the house, also i need to mention I'm not very fast in this new area and my work goes on a little slow. two days ago he was going out for a swim in the pool and at last minute he turned back and said to me: "I wish my wife would surprise me with a cleaned vacuumed floor when I come back" and without any thought I answered: "well you never surprise me with a clean floor when i come home, and i'm doing stuffs too" . he got angry and said "you don't do anything and left. when he came back he didn't talk or answer me and angrily went vacuuming and then throw the vacuum with great anger that I thought it's definitely broken. then I went to bed and didn't eat for one day, he didn't even checked if i was alive, not until after he heard me vomiting (i have stomach problem and it happened cause i didn't eat) and then he called my mom and said: " she (me) is not feeling well can you bring us some food?!" when i asked him in the middle of my pain that tell her not to come and she'll get nervous seeing me like this he answered:" I want her to come because i didn't eat from last night at least somebody will cook for me." (he had dinner and launch and was lying to punish me for not cooking). anyway my mom came and i got better and that night passed... I gave him every meal on time yesterday and today and we are not talking at all, not a single word from that night, i just give him food and he eats and he's not even working anymore, just watching TV with frowning all the time.

I feel so invalid and I wanted to ask is it true that the one who don't have a job has to do everything in the house alone and say nothing? is he right to demand everything without any help just because we live with his money? I'm confused and I need straightforward frank answers. I feel my emotions has been disvalued in many ways in the last couple of years. I need to know what to do to make things ok, thanks for bear reading this.

PS I think my post isn't shown, let me know