Relationship Advice

I don't know where to begin, so I'm just going to put words on 'paper'

I'm 33 and got out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago.

I'm looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, and recently met someone that is a perfect fit for me on paper in so many ways, however there is a thought or feeling I just can't escape. I feel there is a lack of chemistry/attraction.

My new potential partner and I have been seeing each other for about a month, and have spent many days and nights together. She is objectively good looking and anyone would be lucky to have her multiple of my friends have said wow she's really pretty when they've met her however I don't feel the chemistry/attraction and I think I know where it comes from.

My ex was extremely feminine and we had insane chemistry from the start, the new potential partner I'm dating isn't feminine and is quite masculine in physical and behavioral ways and I think that's a turn off for me. I didn't even realize femininity mattered this much to me.

I feel insane for thinking of breaking things off with an objectively attractive, successful women who's logistics fit so well with mine it's honestly like finding a needle in a haystacks.

I feel stuck constantly fighting questions like:

• Am I just full of shit and looking for a unicorn that doesn't exist?
• Should I listen to my heart and feelings and let go of this because - it doesn't feel right?
• I'm getting old and want to settle down, should I priorities logistics and accept good enough?
• Am I just overly picky? Can I afford to be this picky?

My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Help

Hi, so me (29NB) and my partner (23F) of almost 3 years have realized that our goals and long term plans are incompatible and that we can't stay together (not what I am here for, so no need to get into it) the thing is that we love eachother and get along great, and even after realizing that we are breaking up, we both still want to be friends. My question is, how? How to turn a relationship with plenty of sex and love into a platonic friendship without ending up emotionally stuck on each-other or having "slip-ups"?

At first I though that maybe starting with like 3 months of no contact can help make a clean slate to return to and start a new friendship on, but after discussion it I think that we still need eachothers' support as friends and it would be quite hard for us to just cut contact.

I had another idea of slowely banning romantic elements until the relationship goes platonic, maybe something like every week ban a new element, first can be saying "I love you" or terms of endearment, second could be sleeping over (we don't live together), third could be sex, etc, until we are essentially friends. But is this a terrible idea that will just leave us hung up on eachother?

Anyone with experience on how to turn mutual romantic love into a platonic love/friendship?

EDIT: I've been terribly unclear. We both know she needs counseling. How do I find a counselor? I have never in life even started to search. Also, I'm almost certain our insurance won't cover it. Got so solid advice on a DIY plan. Anyone add to that?

Said I'd never date a jealous woman, married her anyway, eyes wide open. Only real issue, everything else about our relationship outweighs it. But fuck me, it's like a drunk beating his wife and crying he didn't mean to, won't ever do it again. I can be minding my own business and take an ass beating at any moment.

I cannot overstate how bad this is. My PC is in the living room on a 40" TV. Browser pics automatically expand (Imagus extension). I have to be careful to not touch anything with a pretty woman in it. If I switch screens while she's looking, I'm guilty of hiding something.

She goes through my phone, I find apps I never opened. She's checking FB, which I don't touch, only Messenger for Marketplace replies. She's checking my email.

Monster fight last night where she produced a phone pic of my screen with a woman's name and asked why I replied. I didn't. My email address was shown as which account I would be replying from. Whole screen shot: woman's name and my email. Searched all: $womans_name right in front of her. Nada.

Had a recruiter almost score me a sweet job. Wife hated her guts because she's cute and sounded perky. Y'all. The recruiter was in NYC, we're in NW Florida.

I have to lock my PC to take a shit. She would birth live kittens if she saw this post, thinks you people are personal friends, like FB. "These people are strangers, don't even know what fucking country they live in."

She's asked our friends if that's normal. Now I look like a controlling asshole who's hiding something. I have never done this with another partner and have told her that many times.

We've been through this shit three dozen times, and every, single, fucking, time I've proved to her what was up, nothing, she's crying and apologizing, rinse and repeat.

We're 54 BTW, not exactly teenagers.

Anyway, she comes to me today and says she might have a problem and what should she do about it. Fuck I know! Told her to stay the fuck away from me the rest of the day, don't even want to look at her.

How would you reply?

crosspostato da: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/34204678

I am very shy and very MUCH in denial…

Hey, I’m a cis-male and I guess mostly heterosexual.

As I’ve been in therapy for a year, this stuff also came up and I had time to reflect more. And I feel more of a romantic pull to character and personality rather than anything else. And I usually find this in people who have gone through similar weirdness in life as me. It’s just a connection to something deeper in me. And I fantasize about cuddling with such a person together, in front of a bonfire, with rain outside, or whatever. A little cosy get-away with intimacy. Etc.

Sexually then, I just want them to feel as good as possible. So it’s all pretty clear to me.

However, there are problems too. Sexually I feel rather pushed away from a dick, lots of body hair, and other stuff. Which I think might not matter if given time and the right person.

There are also subconscious reactions I have, that I know are stupid and in contrast to my beliefs and actions. I have those not just in the romantic/sexual realm, but everywhere. Anything internalised at a younger age, kinda sticks in one way or another, and is iffy to get out.

For example, my earliest sexual fantasies as a kid also included other boys, but when I moved a bit closer to another boy, I’d get a reaction like I had just committed a war crime. And I feel like I sometimes exhibit the same, even if just for a split-second.

So this, together with never having experienced it, makes it tricky to experiment without hurting people.

Recently I met a guy who I vibed with really well, and we both want to meet again. I’m pretty sure he’s also at least romantically attracted to me, and wants to see more. His face was so warm and genuine. Tenderness, curiosity and some depth. I also want to see more. But I don’t want to hurt him either. Already getting romantically close is a big step, but when feelings get involved or sexual desire, that’s even more of a step and uncharted territory. I’m also very avoidant in general with intimacy… So yeah. Feels kinda hard to discover stuff without causing damage.

Any advice would be very welcome!

Thanks

Basically I started dating my roommate (risky I fucking know), and there have been issues that have been building up in my head, but when I want to talk about them, it either ends in her in an outburst of anxiety, or it's always a horrible time to do so.

A few weeks ago she went on a trip to LA for a family event, and before she left she said she'd clean the apartment and buy cat food. Well she didn't, so I had to do both, but when she came back she started crying because her dad was super critical of her and knew how to absolutely shred her confidence. I went into comfort mode because i couldn't start with "hey, you keep saying you'll clean but you don't".

A while back i had an outburst where she was trying to get physical but I just couldn't get it up because my mind was on how messy the place was. I started apologizing and crying and saying I need a clean apartment. We spent the rest of the day cleaning up, but when we were done I said "isn't that bette" and she said "well, I don't feel really any different but I'll do this for you".

A while ago at the start of the whole thing, I tried to call it off because I felt it was way too risky and frankly the initial excitement worn off, but when I tried to tell her, she threw a chair. When I talked to her about it a few days later, she said "at least I didn't bash my head into the wall" as her anxiety has let her to self harm before.

At this point I'm feeling like this might not be the best fit, but I'm terrified that I will push her to hurt herself. At the same time she said if I break up with her she doesn't want to be blind sided. I'm unsure how to show her I'm unhappy without her getting anxious and upset.

She's the kind of person who says what she thinks, and doesn't understand people who can't just tell people when they're unhappy. Frankly I wish I could do that.

Hello all

My (27m) ex (29f) broke up we with me out of the blue saying she doesn't love me how I love her. That I deserve someone who does. Never felt forced doing anything but cannot pinpoint when feeling left.

Had been together 8 months. Went on a vacation at 5 months that was incredible. Had come off a date on Wednesday that she said she loved before she got an Uber home. We were planning the next.

She had come over with the intention to stay and calm down/do homework then had a panic attack until confessing her feeling.

She was crying more than I was. Said she was following the feeling. Agreed you have to do that. But she was adamant it wasn't a specific thing and nothing could change.

Her last relationship was incredibly abusive. I am pretty much the opposite. People think I'm gay. She was the first person I had ever felt drawn towards romantically. First ever asked out instead of falling into the relationship. First ever explore sexuality with where it didn't feel forced.

I had always tried best to communicate any and all feeling. Or issues. She said I was an incredible human being and deserves someone who loved me the same way. But she wasn't in love with me despite loving me. I Didn't do anything. Nothing specific. She just knew I wasn't it.

Talking every day to cold turkey. Communicating every step of the way to make sure each of us weren't being clingy. we both werent that way but it felt natural to be it.

The only thing she managed to muster was ' I don't want to smoke weed and eat candy '. (Additional context: she did dabs I smoked bong hits. Prior and during. upbringing has told her it is bad. It makes her stop and feel. )

The expectations and goals she has for herself made any childish escapism feel like a waste of time. But at the same time she always felt like she was at the point of a panic attack. Like she needed to slow down and relax and take a breath. Incredibly busy. Depressive. Anxious. PTSD recovering. She always goes goes goes.

Incompatible.

Curious if anyone has had a similar experience. It feels like being robbed. I know better than to reach out first. She still has things to pick up. Its just so shocking. Her cars still in the driveway.

I know it's impossible to understand the nuances of a relationship from biased perspective, but I am wanting to hear others experiences.

Hopefully it'll ground me from this very odd shattering im having now. Can't help but feel I got constanzaed. "It's not you it's me."

Appreciate you all and your advice.

I’ve known this woman since we were 15, we’re both 28 now.

Since 2022 we work togheter. Some time ago, she seduced me, again, even though she’s engaged and has kids. But let me explain..:

From 15 to 28, she always seemed interested in me, but never showed it clearly or consistently. I’d message her, she often wouldn’t reply, or sometimes ghost me, but whenever we met in person, like when we’d go for a drive, togheter for homework, motorcycle ride (common in our circle about 10 years ago), she was always physically close, very attentive. Still, she always had this boyfriend.

This is personal but I do suspect that she was looking for someone that could be a good provider for her and her kids, someone who could help her with her inheritance, and someone who is socially skilled to do that. I'm not that person, infact, I'm a sports guy, with more "nature" approach to life, and I don't like to "manipulate" people to get more networking or have goals to be a millionaire.

Fast forward: 1 year ago, I’ve gone through major self-improvement, mostly in looks but also habits, and she had a crush on me. She compliments me daily at work, praises my lifestyle, while publicly complaining about her LTR "going wrong". I've also heard she was getting upset with her BF at the phone, while she was at work. Those we're all signals to let me understand "hey, i'm open and I'm doing this because I need you getting to talk to me, I'm attracted to you", but I never talked to her directly about this, since I was expecting a mature person would actually tell me this directly, without doing those manipulative stuff.

Also, at that same time, she was trying for another child with her current BF, and after she got pregnant, she avoided me, but still sought attention. Then, once her baby was born, she poured all her affection into the child, finding again “the love of her life.” The baby seemed to strengthen her bond with her fiancé, they looked united, as if the child had “fixed” them. Yet, she returned to her hot-and-cold behavior toward me.

Now, seeing her daily at work, I still think about he and try to make sense of those years.

Is her relationship driven by choice, or something like an arranged match approved by her father/family (so she's afraid of leaving her current BF because of all the things she have in place, kids, social, financial, work, etc, not only for her, but also because She cannot stand going indipendent and mature, with a personal choice, but actually accepting her family choice??

She seems unstable, maybe even manipulative or struggling with BPD traits. I just think she sees her fiancé as a safe provider for her and the kids, and it's attracted to me for some other reasons..

What I'd like to do is actually understanding why she didn't talk with me about her feelings, just talking about it, instead of doing all of this "underground" thing. Also, at this point, after I know the truth, I just want to stop thinking about her, about what she does and why, (it will be difficult since we work togheter) and understand why she still occupies my mind, and why I'm attracted to her other than her looks.

To close, I would like to say that this girl has all the qualities to be a good woman, a good family, but obviously no one is perfect, and she simply might have a father who is too "decision-making" about her life, and she is not able to take charge of choosing for herself, but is afraid to do so.

PS: Just to cite something, I call it the motorcycle test. Some women held the back handles, others held on to me. This woman was the only one to held on back handles. She always been kinda shy and intimidated at times.

TL;DR:

I’ve known her since we were 15. Over the years, she’s shown interest but never clarity, always in a relationship, often distant online, yet affectionate in person. Now we work together, and after I improved myself, she reignited the tension between us, despite being engaged with kids. I suspect she’s torn between emotional attraction and practical security. What confuses me most isn’t her choices, but why she never spoke honestly about her feelings. I’m trying to understand her motives and, more importantly, how to free my mind from someone who never truly chose me.

Hi, so I am (18F). My boyfriend is obviously (17M). So, a few days ago, we exchanged messages, which looked like this:

Hey, So, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but can you not text, call, or hang out much anymore (like only hang out at restaurants)? I just don't like it. Again, I am real sorry to hurt you, I just don't really like communicating via telephone or hanging out. I am very introverted. Thanks <3

He responded with: "Don't worry! You're not hurting my feelings!! I will definitely talk less on the phone if that's what you want and talk more in-person."

I said "That's perfect <3 OK"

And all he sent yesterday was "Hi!" and not much else and I told him I couldn't talk so he stopped messaging altogether except for "hi, have a great day" or even just "Hi".

i feel like they can't expect me to do what they want in the relationship (spend more time with them and not friends and Super Mario/Nintendo games) but rather they should do what i want, which is just play with me and realize i can't be there for them.

i wouldn't call myself a Nintendo addict, but i do play for very long hours without even talking to my partner. yes, i've seen the other gaming post as a fedi lurker, but i also have a similar relationship. i don't talk to them because i'm so absorbed in my game that i forget and don't even think about them. i only think about them when i'm not playing a game, which is admittedly rarely, though i would never tell them this.

i can't be there for them when they're upset nor can i talk to them through their depression and anxiety because i'm busy on a game, but i really feel like they should give gaming a try. it's a fun form of escapism and shooters and Super Mario really help.

Hi, so I'm a high school student and I happen to be trans FtM. I know I'm quite young, but I do believe in the importance of supporting trans people, even young people just in general.

I was born a girl (obviously) but now I'm a guy named Anthony. When I came out to my social worker "Mrs. A" (not her real name or initial), she said that she was proud of me for coming out, but that if I wanted teachers to refer to me as "male", "he/him", Anthony, etc. that I'd have to come out to my legal guardian.

The thing is my guardian isn't the most supportive of trans people. I came out to him a few years ago and he said I was just a confused girl and that "the left was just pushing their agenda onto me". He loves me, I'm sure he does, but he definitely wouldn't support me.

I told my therapist and a good friend of mine and both of them said that was breaking a rule of confidentiality. My sister told me that too. My therapist wonders if it's to get it changed on paperwork or something but says that if I want to be called Anthony at school, there should be no problem.

What do you all think?

I'm at a loss of what to do here because I don't know them that well and don't want to be too intrusive.

For the past year or so I've been new friends with "Frankie", and although we are not close, I'd say we're more than acquaintances. We don't know each other well, and have interacted a handful of times. Frankie has been eager to socialize and do activities with us, and I hope to become better friends with Frankie.

I've always gotten a "vibe" from Frankie that things are not great at home. We've met the spouse a couple of times and they've always given me bad vibes; They are uninterested and unengaged, not really friendly. I'm pretty socially awkward myself and have had my share of unfair judgement based on misunderstood social interactions and so I just gave spouse some slack there.

But Frankie is unhappy. I can tell just from conversation Frankie struggles with depression and life. I know that Frankie sees a therapist and is trying to be more social and active to improve mental health. I check in on Frankie periodically by text and durring a text conversation tonight, there are red flags of an abusive relationship. I asked how Frankie was doing, and I got a response "Just a lot of isolation and depression." and later in the conversation I invited Frankie to an event this weekend and they said:

Frankie: "[Spouse] hates that stuff and won't let me go." Me: "Not even by yourself?" F: "Nope. Says I'm too trusting of people and will get hurt." Me: "Too trusting? How?" F: "I talk to strangers. I help people who need help. I smile and say hello to people whenever I'm out and about..."

At this point, I was a bit stunned and didn't know exactly how to respond. I've never had someone be so direct in telling me something like this before. I know this sounds very much like textbook isolation and gaslighting. But I also thought that because I don't know Frankie very well, this might just be an emotional moment. I can think of a couple times in my life where I was struggling emotionally and might have said something snide about my partner in confidence to someone else, and it wasn't really fair or truthful. I don't know anything about Frankie's mental health other than they are struggling.

Without judgement, I said "Well you're more than welcome to come with us [ to the event ] and we can keep an eye on you. wink wink" I tend to try and inject humor into things, even when it may not be appropriate. I don't know how else to handle it.

I said: "This sounds like a difficult situation, if you ever need to talk, I'm here." Frankie: "Yeah, it has been a difficult situation for a while."

I went on to be clear: Frankie is always welcome at our house, and I am always available to talk if needed. Let's hang out more. I couldn't bring myself to be more direct and inquire deeper because I feel like I don't know Frankie well enough, and also to put it bluntly: I can't handle being a counselor right now and that is usually my immediate reaction: to dive in over my head to help someone. I'm trying to break this habit already.

But now what? Do I leave it alone? Do I make more an effort to un-isolate Frankie? Do I trust that Frankie got the message that I'm here as an escape hatch? I always try to live that other people's marriages are none of my business - lord knows my own has had some very private struggles, but when it comes to abuse it's different. I just don't know what to do next?

I'm in my mid-30s, my friend is in her mid 40s. This happened a few weeks ago.

Chloe (not her actual name) is a pretty good friend of mine who I've known for the last three years.

We met up with a few friends for karaoke and she was pretty much all over me the entire evening and was acting really flirty.

Among other things, she made suggestive comments (things like cracking dirty jokes with me, suggesting I get her name inked on my arm when we were talking about tattoos), embraced and slow danced with me, grinded her ass against my crotch whilst I was singing a song she liked, and kept asking me for kisses on the lips.

We did smooch a few times, but I didn't think that much of it.... until I felt her tongue go down my mouth.

I texted her when I got home and thanked her for the nice evening. She immediately apologized about the kiss, insisted it was a friendly kiss and that she really values me as a friend.

I feel guilty about what happened and the fact that I reciprocated for many reasons, but also I don't know how to interpret this. It's not like it was a drunken mistake, she was like that even before her first glass of wine. She had also gone through a rough breakup a few months back and I'm worried how her ex (also a friend of mine) would respond if he found out.

We have met since but neither of us have brought that night up. She doesn't seem awkward around me, but I just feel a pit in my stomach when I'm around her.

I dunno how to feel about this, nor what her intentions were.

I may be bad at reading people but I'm pretty sure any kiss that turns into tonsil hockey crosses the line between friendly and romantic.

I'll try to keep this short, sorry!

We met at a tumultuous time in my life ~7 years ago and bonded over shared trauma very quickly. Since then, we've been excellent friends. In this years since, we've both been through a tremendous amount of personal growth and strife and have grown closer and closer. She's just the kindest and most beautiful soul and makes me feel safe and like I have worth. She's said similar about me.

We've had a ton of friends mistake us for dating - to be fair, we're both touch starved and since we're so close emotionally, we're typically physically close as well. Like holding hands, kissing one another on the head or arm, snuggling, etc. Because of the mistaken notions of friends, we had a very real conversation about what "we" are, and the first conversation we had alluded to the fact that she had some romantic interest, and I was happy to move forward with a romance. The conversation was cut short and the next time we had a conversation, I was more forward that I wanted and was hoping for romance after sorting through my feelings since the first conversation. But she began to back pedal.

She's afraid that things will change. And she's also afraid of her own internal anxieties pushing forward to chew at her and cause resentment if she feels like she's not good enough. In her words, she's not a very exciting person and her idea of a good time is phone in hand laying on the couch.

I've known her long enough and spent enough time with her to know this, but I don't want to push the issue and create discomfort. But that being said, I do want a relationship to come out of our friendship.

I'm stuck in what I can do, if anything. I can try to reassure her and I can propose a trial period or whatever. But I don't want to come off as pushy and I don't want to betray any of her feelings, nor do I want to breathe any life into those anxieties she harbours. Can anyone offer some advice? Or just some thoughts, even.

Edit: to clarify what I've noticed is a point of contention, by "break-up" I don't mean I believe we're together, or expecting this to follow romantic relational patterns, or anything of the sort, I was referring to a general concept of "this is over," meaning any level of interaction. Nor am I waiting for a confirmation of anything developing from her. I genuinely just wanted to get closure and confirm the ghost.

Me again... and, yes, this is a continuation of this and this.

TL;DR: first crush and best friend in high-school reached out after 20 years of not talking, I fell in love with her again, she gave me mixed messages when I tried backing off, and then everything turned ugly when she thought I was pressuring her into defining a relationship by asking her once if she still wanted to chat. Had a brief argument around reading comprehension and semantics, then she vanished mid-conversation for two weeks.

Now that we're caught up, I sent her a text on Saturday, trying to tie up all loose ends. Basically, I wanted to confirm the ghost, see if she really just decided to not deal with this, or if something else happened. Sent her the message, waited for about 6-7 hours, then sent a "Hint taken, have a good'un" (not verbatim).

She then replied saying she started having side-effects from recent medication and felt she didn't have the mental space to handle more than one thing at a time. She concluded with "but I did not mean it to end in silence." Didn't probe any further, told her to drop a line when she feels like it, that there's no pressure now as there was none before.

After sleeping on it for the rest of the weekend, I now feel like I'm just waiting for a "break-up" text. In which case, I'd honestly just rather end it now and spare myself the indeterminate amount of time I'll have to spend in expectation of her message, but i don't want to do anything rash because I know I'm not even close to thinking straight now.

I, again, ask and thank you for any insight. I wish this'd just end already, I swear, I feel that I just need a clear conclusion right now...

Hi, so I could use some help. I really like my girlfriend and I want to show my love and make her feel special, but I don't know how to do it without going into "obsessive" territory. I've loved her for two years and every day with her is great, but I don't know what to do since I feel more obsessed every day.

Lots of backstory, so I'll try to create a timeline.

I met my gf 2 years ago when it was her first week in America- she's Irish. She was really into me, but I didn't feel the same. We dated for a week but I called it off pretty quick.

Fast forward, we reconnected when she began working for a daycare that I would come to to play music for the kids. We became friends again, and really hit it off platonically.

In October, I began a relationship with a sadist who was a real mindfuck- she tried to separate me from my friends and family, she told me I was dumb and ugly, had me pay for everything, and afterwards tried to start a rumor that I was a pedophile. I had to get a restraining order.

In January I broke up with her and decided I would be single for a bit.

But it wasn't even a month before I started dating another friend from my group as I came back into my life. She was the kindest person I've ever met, and frankly the only reason we ended things was that I eventually wanted marriage and kids and she did not.

In this time, my current gf and I decided we would be roommates, as good buddies. I honestly thought it would just be a roommate situation, and we began climbing and having fun together.

The week I broke up with my kindest girlfriend, I was absolutely devastated. At the same time, my current gf had broken up with her bf. In that week we were both trying to grapple with our new pain. We went to an art show where we did a bunch of shrooms, and at the end of the night we hooked up. Later that week at our housewarming party, my ex showed up (we actually were trying to be friends). She started getting touchy with me, but when I told her about what happened with me and my roommate, she stormed out and sent me the angriest text I've ever had. I fully agreed with her, and essentially I lost the best friend I ever dated. I'm still absolutely devastated from that.

With my current gf, we decided to continue to hook up "for the plot", but when I decided I wanted out, there was a fight and she threw a chair. I was so afraid that I chose to try and appease her by becoming closer. We became official, and moved forward in the relationship. She even came home to meet my parents, though that week she had an episode of CHS (if she smokes weed she can become violently sick) and ended up in the hospital for almost the entire time.

The thing is, I'm not really super attracted to her. If anything I was settling. But I was so afraid of her big temperament that I continued to be in the relationship.

The other night I was drunk and high, and we had been watching YouTube. She wanted to make out and I wasn't in the mood. After a while she got up and stormed off. I was surprised, but honestly should have known it wasn't going to be good. She asked me if I was attracted to her, and I decided to give a reason for my not being in the mood by saying she had gained weight.

Honestly she's not all that heavy, but I just felt I needed to say something. High and drunk it was a stupid thing to say.

After that it all unraveled. She came into my room demanding more of an explanation and I exploded saying how I'd been cleaning and cooking and taking care of everything and wanted her to be my teammate in the house. It wasn't happening and that week she was already stressed because her clown troupe broke up.

Now I'm trying to backpedal because there are many things I do like about her, and I love the apartment we've made. I know these are horrible reasons to be in a relationship, but right now my head is in "wtf is wrong with me that makes me do these things".

I lied to her about the whole relationship. I am just trying to damage control especially since I'm not in a financial position to move out. I don't like that this shallow side of me turned up. I don't like that I had a streak of relationships without room to breathe. I became a serial monogamist this year and none of this feels like me.

This is a follow-up to this post.

As a TL;DR for context: my best friend from high-school, for whom I'd developed the first batch of unreciprocated romantic feelings in my life, reached out four weeks ago, after almost two decades of not being in touch. I started falling in love hard again, and I thought it was a bad idea.

Well, right now it seems as though I was right about that. I came clean about two weeks ago with the intent of backing off. Told her I'm falling for her again, hard, and that I don't want to do another stint of carrying it alone. I apologised profusely, told her this wasn't on her, no hard feelings, and wished her well.

She replied and told me that she really didn't want to lose this, because she started looking forward to our conversations and was excited about potentially meeting up next month (relative to the present moment), but that she didn't want me to suffer in any way, so she'd understand. She said that I'm definitely not indifferent to her, but that she's struggling to figure out her feelings - later on, this turned into "[I'm] very dear to [her] and [she] missed [me] so much without even realising it."

I, being the moron that I am, decided to stick with it for her, as she's clearly not having an easy go of things at the moment and thought that this was one thing I could do to ease her pain.

Trouble is, I started spiraling around the thought that I've just set myself on a trajectory of pure pain, again. I've had two episodes since then, let her know both times as I could tell it was affecting my "just chatting with a friend" mode. The first time, she stuck with me and gave me hints that there's a chance that pain is not inevitable. The second was last night, and it was significantly stronger. We ended the night with quite a bit of tension between us (she told me she's more of a "taking things as they are in the now, not defining anything," while I'm the kind of person who needs a bit of clarity in my life as an anchor point). We'd discussed where each of us stands in relation to continuing this interaction between us: I told her I'm choosing to stick with it even with the looming inevitability on my horizon, she avoided answering entirely, citing the aforementioned "taking things as they are in the now," and this just served to further fan my destabilisation.

It's clear to both of us at this point that there is a major mismatch of investment. My side is significantly more defined than hers (I'm not judging her, btw, every person has their rhythm and that's ok), but I genuinely see no way this could end up somewhere along the lines of where I'd like it to end - a mutual romantic attempt. This is for a number of factors, such as:

• we live in different countries - I would have no issues uprooting myself and moving for a relationship, but I most certainly won't do it without anything clearly defined; she told me she needs something "real," a.k.a. no long-distance; establishing myself in her country would most certainly not be an easy process, with zero guarantee of success;

• while we do get along in general (very well, I might add), it's clear that we have two very different approaches to this whole "relationship" thing, which is only amplified by the aforementioned mismatch of investment;

• I'm not getting any concrete intentions from her in... well, any direction, to be honest; actually feels like it's a bit of a rollercoaster, with some days being almost lovey-dovey, and others being brief and devoid of any such elements - I'm not talking about just not discussing it, I'm talking about things feeling distant; as an example, one day she even told me I'm very dear to her and reacted positively when I hinted that I would love to hug and kiss her, now she's avoiding even saying anything concrete as to whether or not she'd want to continue interacting (not "let's give a relationship a chance," literally just "do you want us to still keep talking");

I'm genuinely suffering. It's painful, because I'm not only carrying the intensity of things as they are now (and they are intense in their own right, with every interaction just further solidifying everything), but I also have our shared history piling up on top of that, making everything significantly more intense - I've realised my feelings for her are on a continuum spanning from the first day I saw her and up to this very second, while she barely remembers anything from back then. She tells me that my being certain that this'll end up with pain on my end will serve as a self-fulfilling prophecy, while I genuinely see no chance of success.

Right now, I'm leaning toward cutting it all off. The pain will be guaranteed as-is, but I'm thinking that I will at least not let things grow any more than they already have, thus avoiding an even greater amount of pain, not to mention avoiding doing any more splash damage than I've already done. The tension at the moment isn't world-shattering, or anything, but it's noticeable - we both ended the night relatively upset. On the flipside, there's a dumb and stubborn flicker of hope which popped up after the first time I tried to pull away, and it's yelling at me that I'll lose her from my life again and that backing off is certain to end... whatever this is for good.

At this moment, I'm stuck oscillating between a rock and a hard place, my reason went out the window, and I'm severely emotionally compromised. I could do with any insight anyone might have and I thank you profusely for it.

So will try to keep this vague and somewhat short, but I (27,M) met a girl (23,F) last year that I was casual friends with. At some point or another she found herself freshly single from a longtime toxic ex, and we ended up talking after a few drinks and decided to give things a go between us. I was clear my ultimate goal was a relationship, she wasn't sure, so it was mostly FWB testing the waters. We progressed very quickly to the point where she seemed to be genuinely on the precipice of making something real happen, and her friends were even pushing her to go for it. And then she just suddenly ended it and said she felt nothing for me out of the blue one day. Completely tore down what happened between us and had a million and one reasons for why that she never brought up once before.

I was heartbroken for months while she was off kissing other guys within a week. We never cut contact though and ultimately ended up going back to just friends after a few rocky patches. I've been mostly focusing on myself while she's been off chasing guys that are either non-commital or barely giving her the time of day. We've talked about things a fair bit, and she's kinda changed her tone that I didn't really do anything wrong, and in a lot of ways I was the best she's ever had regarding how I treated her. But she's still adamant that she wants nothing to do with me like that anymore and feels nothing for me.

Thing is, every once in a blue moon when we're both drunk and hanging out, she suddenly gets slightly flirty or minorly physical with me again in a way that feels more intimate than just a friend. I don't let her take things far in order to respect boundaries she set in the past, but every time I ask about what that was about, she has some excuse for it. But the second I do anything that can be perceived as the same, no matter how minor, she's at my throat accusing me of still having feelings for her and threatening to not talk to me anymore if I do.

I can be a bit of an anxious overthinker so I don't entirely trust myself to make the right call if there's more going on here, but it feels like there is, and I can't shake that. But I also don't have the slightest clue how to approach this regardless of if there is or not.

Edit: Something minor that just happened I may be reading into I just remembered. We hung out a month ago at my place and she gave me one of her shirts that fit me, so I offered to give her one of my hoodies that I just suddenly found her wearing all weekend in return. She scoffed at that and said you only do that when you're dating. Well, we hung out again recently and she spent all weekend wearing a different favorite hoodie of mine. As I was taking her home, she swapped back to that same one from last time, and I realized afterwards that she forgot to give it back. I didn't say anything, but did mention her leaving some stuff at my place to kind of prod her. She said she didn't care about leaving stuff there, and didn't even try to bring up that she has that hoodie. I don't think she knows that I know she has it. Almost like she's hoping I forget so she can keep it without me knowing. Maybe that means something. Maybe not. I don't know. Help.

My partner and I are in a long distance relationship, we've been together for 5 years. From the start, the plan was that I would move there, but he didn't start the application because he wanted to get a stable job (he was working when we met but quit around 2022 when they expected everyone to move from remote back to on-site).
Last year he told me that if Trump gets in he'd move here instead (he's American). My family expressed doubts about his sincerity, so I confirmed with him multiple times and he insisted.
Now he's saying that he never thought Trump would actually get in, so I shouldn't have taken him seriously. We fought about it and when I said he went back on his word he says I went back on mine since I haven't moved there yet and am now saying I don't want to because of everything happening and I don't feel safe (I'm trans, and even if I wasn't foreigners aren't being treated well from what I've heard).
He's now saying he doesn't want to leave his mom, which is fair, but I feel conflicted about it all. I feel like he's broken my trust, but he's adamant he didn't lie because he never actually expected this to happen.
He also thinks everything is being exaggerated and isn't really as bad as I think it is, especially where he is on the west coast. He says it's safe there, but I wonder for how long. He says if it gets worse we can move here, but how can I trust that? I feel like he's burying his head in the sand (he responded that I'm burying my head in the sand) and ignoring how bad it's going to be, but maybe he's right and I'm stressing too much? At the start of the year he agreed with me about how bad it is but now he doesn't seem to think it's that bad.
Mostly I just want advice I guess, an outside perspective. I don't know how to feel and I'm conflicted about it all.

I live in a poorer country where I live with less than 10k a year. It's low but since my country is generally less expensive I can live (and vacation) there with some comfort as long as I don't go crazy. I'm a frugal person so I don't miss out on anything.

My sister and brother-in-law went to live in Europe and they are doing very well. Together they easily make 200k. I'm happy for them.

The problem starts when I visit. The country they live in is far more expensive than mine. It isn't always a problem since I don't have to pay for accommodation and cooking at home is sustainable. The problem is they always want to eat out and do expensive activities (for my standards). And they always leave out the price until it's time to pay since the price is meaningless for them. At first they would chip in until my brother-in-law started pulling "it's your turn to pay now". Imagine being given a dinner tab that is almost as much as your monthly paycheck.

Visiting has become stressing as hell, when I should be relaxing. I tried to talk about it, that eating at home would be more affordable for me, but they quickly go back to old habits. At this point I just decided it's not worth it to visit anymore and blow my year savings in a few days. They're not happy and, as much as I try, I can't make them understand how much money I make. They can't understand you can't buy 100 euro meals everyday when you earn less than a 200 a week.

It's also not much better when they visit our country but at least I know what prices to expect and since I'm home I can find an excuse to ditch them.

Maybe we have just grown appart and that's that.

i'm m45. My current wife and i decided to separate a few weeks ago - we have simply drifted apart, no hard feelings, it can happen over 15 years which weren't easy because of illness. We currently still share the home and will probably over the next few months - She said she could never make me leave the flat until i have a safe and stable home for myself.

Me and my siblings relationship has been devastated by the alcoholism of my dad and the uncaringness of my mom, grandparents are dead except the worst of the 4, a venom-spitting vindictive bitch; my aunts - well one is a nazi, the other one tramples over your personal borders even if told not to, so i'm NC with both. My first friend circle in my 20s was consumed by drugs, the second by separation from my ex, and that will probably happen now again.

I have AVPD (Avoidant/self-insecure personality disorder, meaning i have low self esteem, low tolerance for making mistakes, a lot of fear to do new things, and cope by avoiding both) and social anxiety (which is much better now than a few years ago thanks to a lot of therapy, which also helped with my depression, but it's not gone)

So, i fear to become completely alone now, for the first time in my life. I'm on disability, so at least i have a stable if low income, and 2 times a week i am in a center for group therapy settings, which means i will at least talk to someone once in a while, but i fear that i might become a crazy cat man.

Update 2: nevermind, apparently!

Update (for myself more than anything): I called everything off. I can't do this thing anymore, and it's clear that's where things were headed. Nothing's changed on my end in 20 years, not going to change any time soon.

This is a weird deal even for me, so I apologise beforehand if anything ends up being unclear in the text.

For a bit of context, she and I used to be high-school class mates and got along very, very well. Used to hang out constantly, became very close, she even became my first significant non-familial, non-platonic affection (dunno what else to call it given when it started developing). Didn't go anywhere due to circumstances at the time (and mostly because I didn't even know what to do with it) but we remained close friends and grew even closer.

In our last year, though, I started dating my first long-term SO, and I drifted away from my best friend (ex was very jealous, so I stupidly reduced all contact with the people I knew would trigger that in her). We then both left for Uni (I moved to the other end of the country, she went abroad) and stopped communicating entirely.

It's been almost two decades since then. We'd met up a decade ago and chatted for a bit when she spent some time over here, but it was very awkward and, honestly, irrelevant as far as where we'd been before that. I was an emotional mess at the time, so basically nothing more than a steaming heap of vaguely anthropomorphic meat.

Last week I got a connection request from her on my professional profile, completely out of the blue - for added context, my presence on Socials is minimal-to-none, mainly only accounts which don't carry my real name. I accepted it thinking nothing of it, then shortly after she sent me a message. Told me she started having a reocurring dream in which I was always present but wasn't talking to her because I was upset with her, and she got worried that it was the same in real life (I repeat, we haven't talked for pretty much two decades). I told her honestly that I had no reason whatsoever to not want to talk to her and that I wasn't upset with her in any way (never been).

We switched apps, then continued to text semi-regularly. It was awkward at first, lotsa' long pauses between texts (1-2 days) as we've both been busy, but yesterday we both caught a break and spent pretty much the entire day texting. Chatted about a lot of random things, about life, swapped a lot of music (I always loved her taste), basically got back in the old groove.

And that's the problem, apparently. I got very excited, she did, too. Also got flooded with memories of our dynamic from back then, because it seems to not have skipped a beat. Same dry yet goofy sense of humour, same wonderfully complex conversations, same feeling of it being safe for me to be open and honest with her. Conversations with her really are a treat, she always made me want to be better, to think harder and deeper, to be honest with both of us. We'd both remarked how much we've missed talking to each other even though neither of us had thought about it until now.

I woke up today at 4AM with a flutter in my chest and I suddenly realised I'm falling in love with what I'm now "seeing" of her. It's a lot of forgotten familiarity which still applies, apparently, but also the ways in which she's been shaped by these past two decades. We've both gone through a lot and did a lot of growing, but we're still very much the same people we used to be when interacting with each other. Feels kinda' like some old seeds finally managed to hit dirt and take root.

I don't think I want this, though. I see it as yet another hopeless romance on my end, and I'm very tired of these... I don't know how to proceed with the situation, to be honest. If circumstances were different, I'd probably shoot my shot and be done with it (i.e. be honest about my feelings) after letting things settle a bit, but given we're several countries apart with no plans of moving any time soon and relatively established lives, I don't see how anything would even be possible between us. I'm talking hypotheticals here, with the biggest one being that I don't even know what's going on on her end (although my naturally pessimistic tendency is to say "absolutely friggin' nothing, you dumb idiot") - still a bit blindsided by the sudden reappearance, yes, but I simply have to think things through clearly, which is why I'm considering every aspect I can think of. It does feel really nice having her in my life again, though, and I can tell she feels the same way about it. Plus she literally told me that.

To clarify, I'm not jumping to any conclusions, I'm not daydeaming about it, I'm actually in Hypervigilant Problem Solving Mode, because I really don't want to hurt myself with things like this anymore. This is a reaction related strictly to what I feel right here and now.

I ask and thank you for any possible thoughts, advice, anything you have for this.

P.S.: as another potentially relevant variable, unfortunately, I get over Love™ slowly, and it's usually a difficult process for me. I tend to pour all of my heart into the people I love (I'm passionate, this is how I feel it, not complaning or looking to change it), so it's hard to recover even after brief/light episodes. I usually need to play things tactically, and the only thing which has worked so far has been cutting all contact.

P.P.S.: I wasn't even looking for romance, ffs... I just want to get my life in order...