The Onion

(Sussex) on Monday, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, former Prince and Duke of York, caused mild outcry in a speech to private individuals during a speaking tour. “I’m reminded of a certain poem,” he began his closing remarks, “and I’m paraphrasing of course - but first they came for the pedophiles, and I’m sure we know how that turned out.” A storm of social media followed, and despite claims the statement is being taken out of context, an apology was made, and the tour has been suspended.

While that would typically close the argument, the former prince has found an ally in the White House, with the US president reviving the topic and declaring Mountbatten-Windsor “the best prince that ever lived, even better than Prince at certain things,” which strained already tense relations with the UK. Trump continued, “the US was extremely young when they were with England, and that worked out okay… I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”

“The president is only expressing admiration for a dear friend and foreign leader,” said Karoline Leavitt, the US Press Secretary whose husband was 32 when she was born. “The president knows the only real predator in the room is the mainstream media and its underage lies.”

But even republican politicians express alarm at the new comments. One republican congressman, who asked he not be identified as we were within 1,000 feet of a middle school, said “there are some third rail topics you never admit to touching, and underage girls is one of them. We’ve all been to Epstein’s Island… metaphorically. I’m saying metaphorically we’ve all been there. But you can’t say it and be elected.”

The King has not issued a formal response, but those inside British intelligence circles say that several SAS operatives have been withdrawn from training in Bryan, Texas for training near Sussex.

(Washington DC) Friday the trump administration announced that vacancies created Wednesday on the White House Ethics Board would be filled by donors who support the effort to build new East Wing Ballroom. The first 3 people to pledge ten million dollars each will receive the positions. Gift donations are allowed.

The vacancies were opened after trump fired three board members earlier this week, citing disapproval of some of their findings regarding members of his administration. The ousted members are appealing the decision in court.

Members of Washington’s elite say the price of the seats is very reasonable, given the board’s responsibility to review questionable actions of the administration. One republican congressman noted that some bidders may look to re-sell the ethics seat to colleagues currently being reviewed by the board.

The first seat has already been assigned; Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud made the donation in the name of his grandchildren, saying he would allow them to rotate the position every six months. Trump congratulated the new appointees by phone.

Americans are disappointed the seats are being sold to foreign leaders. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Richmond, Virginia, said: “I just wish maybe it could have been a lottery, so I’d have a shot at it. I really like ethics foods, and this would have been a great chance to try some.”

RICHMOND, Va. — Several ICE agents had their internal organs forcibly removed during a recent raid on the Slave Pit, home of the extraterrestrial rock band GWAR, confirmed absolutely horrified sources.

“The band was in the middle of our weekly cocaine-orgy/seafood boil when these ICE chodes stormed the Slave Pit claiming we were illegal aliens and threatening to deport us back to our home planet of Scumdoggia,” said GWAR vocalist Blothar the Berserker. “Obviously, these jerkoffs had no idea who they were messing with. I grabbed one of these ICE guys and ripped his spleen out through his dick while the rest of the band went to work on the other ‘agents.’ Then we used their hollowed-out skulls as toilets because anyone stupid enough to fuck with GWAR has to have shit for brains.”

(St. Kits, Virgin Islands) As questions about war crimes circle Washington, Vice President JD Vance gave follow up remarks regarding his involvement in a September 2 extrajudicial air strike on a suspected drug boat. The Vice President had remarked a top Admiral ordered the strike, and he was not involved.

“I just want to clarify that, while I didn’t order that second strike everyone is talking about, which clears me of any war crimes in the Hague… I totally could have, because I was in charge of that operation.”

“If any of those drug-terrorists threatened me, or my wife, I would second strike them so hard, they wouldn’t know what hit them.”

Controversy has surrounded the strike, which would be a violation of the Geneva Convention, assuming the US had declared war, which it has not. Vance appeared to shift blame at the staff meeting with the president, having earlier said he ordered the strike.

Vance went on to clarify that, had the drug-terrorists personally threatened him, he “would be required to nunchucku them to death,” as he is a hillbilly grand master in the weapon. At that point, he explained, a girl he rescued that looks a lot like Princess Leia would ask him to marry her, which he would decline, due to honor.

The Air Force was not able to verify the nunchuku skills of the Vice President, or explain how the scenario might occur. An Air Force General who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals, said “the White House has independent sources of information outside the military, so we can’t speak to this statement.”

(Lynchburg, TN) As sales slump in Canada and abroad following reciprocal tariffs, US alcohol manufacturers have turned to their home market, in a move some say is offensive and out-of-line. Billboards are going up around the country showing an outline of the president’s profile, and the words “He Has Three More Years” prominently displayed in large letters.

“Oh god. Three more years. That can’t be right,” said Allee Celles, a 28-year-old waitress in Delma Washington. “Hasn’t it been three years already? Oh god. I need a drink.” This response is what producers are counting on, as alcohol purchases show sharp increases in areas already sporting the campaign’s billboards.

Some republican lawmakers are calling the ads tasteless, but others are trying to spin this campaign as a positive. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth is reported to have said he’ll drink to trump every time he sees the billboards, and Americans should celebrate the administration. Campaign managers say that could be another way to view the message, but are pleased with the results either way, as sales are increased by 20% in some regions.

Another industry is piggy-backing on the message, as therapists and psychologists also see a chance to cash in. One therapist, who requested anonymity for fear of reprisals from Betterhelp, said, “three more years is terrifying, and I’m signing the papers for a beach house based on those three years. Yes, a lot of bad things are happening, but talking through your concerns at $100 per hour can help make things better.”

Regardless of their means of coping, the campaign is helping Americans realize the last ten years of insanity have occurred over ten months, and there are three exciting years remaining.

(Washington DC) Citing presidential privilege, the White House issued a retraction to the pardon of Hunter Biden on Thursday. “We were supposed to pardon a turkey, can you believe that,” said trump in remarks at dinner. “I said I don’t pardon that turkey, we eat it. I rescind the pardon. And I thought, that’s a great idea, so I started rescinding other pardons, too.”

Government scholars note that this is not how presidential privilege works, and that a former president’s pardon cannot be rescinded. Despite that, the Justice Department is ordering Hunter Biden to prison, while lawyers make demands to the Supreme Court to correct the matter. Like most matters with trump’s inappropriate use of power, the lack of precedent is causing confusion.

Surprisingly, a great deal of pushback is coming from inside the trump administration itself, as many are concerned about the value of a pardon they may receive with a change of leadership. But trump dismisses the concerns. “They’re worried another president will cancel their pardons, but it will never happen.” The president declined to clarify what would never happen.

Ordinary Americans are unsure how to handle the announcement. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Hope, Arkansas, said, “I just don’t know what to make of this. The president has insulted our allies, wrecked international trade, hurt US business, and castrated the free press. But this might mean I have to see Hunter Biden’s butt again, and I don’t like that.”

Hunter Biden could not be reached for comment, and is presumed to have left to a first world country while the matter is decided.

(Camp Pendleton, CA) As war tensions mount, disturbing pictures have been released of US Marines, sitting around tables and coloring in a map of South America. Pencils on the desks suggest the soldiers may be writing in the names of the countries, as well.

“This is very alarming,” said a Venezuelan diplomat who asked not to be named due to fear of reprisals. “This type of training goes far beyond the US preparations for the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan. This suggests a long term plan for occupation, possibly for decades.”

A spokesman for the Marines said it is normal training to teach soldiers about areas in the US sphere of influence, and noted that the soldiers love the crayons. The White House also deflected the issue of the training, saying in a press release on the subject, “you’re just mad your mom never bought you crayons.”

War scholars agree this is not typical Marine doctrine, and feel Venezuela should be worried. Leo Sturbgetter, a double PhD scholar in Military Doctrine and Bovine Dispersion, said: “I would be very alarmed if I were in the leadership in Venezuela. Assuming these troops learn every country and capital in South America, they are less than 2 years from deploying to the region.”

(New York) As American warships gather and strong rhetoric flows from the White House, Americans are growing increasingly concerned they may have to find Venezuela on a map. “They do those bits on late night tv,” said Maryland Bantra of New York. “I don’t want to be the dumb ones. I’m not sure if I can find that country… and screw it if they have a globe.”

This fear is echoed by Americans around the country. “If this gets serious, I’m sure there are countries near Venezuela that will be involved. We’ll have to learn their names, maybe even their capitals,” said Frankfurt Devens of Florida. “I just got two new bosses I report to… you’re saying I have to learn their names and then some capitals. I can’t do it.”

But not everyone shares this pessimism. London Haim, a high school geography teacher, said, “this will be over really fast, and we might even wipe Venezuela off the map. My job will be even easier if that happens.”

Americans that have been to Venezuela are sad that war is imminent. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in eastern West Virginia, said “I hate to see these people suffer, but with those Epstein files out there, something has to happen. Sorry amigos.”

I respect my supporters so much that I will not wash my hands after I grope them. Not even if I hold a subway pole on my way to grope the next nearest Cuomo voter. I want to feel everyone’s grope residue forever

(Belmopan, Belize) As the White House continues threatening remarks regarding Venezuelan drug syndicates, rumors are spreading of massive all night parties, questionable sexual conduct, and similar behaviors on a number of tropical islands in the region of the US Naval deployment. Reports say thousands of military-age young men are being continuously brought to and from islands by helicopter, and several military ships matching the description of US destroyers and missile cruisers can be seen in ports cities in Grenada, Barbados, and the US Virgin Islands. The White House denies misconduct.

“The brave men and women, yes, and women, we allow it… in our navel seas are strong and brave, and fighting evil terror drug lords and their democratic masters every day,” said the president in remarks. “I have news from Pete [Hegseth] that eleven more ships that were full of drugs were destroyed only last week. Good job Pete.”

The War Department confirms that some vessels may be in port for resupply or repair, but say top Navy Admirals deny impropriety. A top aide confirmed, “the Navy leadership is headed into the war zone for a month-long fact-finding trip to confirm the reports they’ve been hearing. The Atlantis hotel in the Bahamas has been rented out for the month to serve as a headquarters for the review.”

Field commanders likewise confirm that all activities are as they should be. One Captain, who asked not to be identified for fear of retaliation, stated: “we have been racking up the numbers the White House wants, and that was the only metric we were given. Yesterday I personally saw three jet skis get destroyed trying to jump a paddle boat…. All four were reported destroyed by the brave men and women of the US Navy. Which is factually accurate.”

Islanders say the onslaught is exhausting, but profitable. “There are daily relief flights coming in with aid,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler on St. Kitts. “Cases of tequila and fresh prostitutes are flowing into the airport, as exhausted ones drag sacks of money onto departing planes. Even my detangling skills are needed at some of these orgies… which if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get to one now.”