The Onion

(Mar A Lago, FL) In a brief press conference Tuesday, the US president confirmed that the $175 billion appropriated for the Golden Dome system over the next 3 years is actually budgeted for a “golden do me,” which he explained as, “well a blond girl, and she’s very nice, very lovely… well she has a serious task ahead of her, and she works for her money, folks… there are no hand outs. I mean she has her hand out, but there are no hand outs, I can tell you this.”

Blond press secretary Karoline Leavitt was unable to comment due to prior commitments in the trump white house.

Lucky ferry passengers, who were almost too distracted by a pod of orcas breaching in Elliott Bay, caught a rare glimpse today of a single cargo ship entering the Port of Seattle.

“I can’t believe it! I’ve been wanting to see any sign of normal economic activity and international trade since the Port of Seattle emptied weeks ago due to tariffs and finally I’m seeing it with my own eyes!” said one passenger in a video circulating on social media today of a gigantic rusted container ship gliding into Seattle.

"Grocery Store’s Meat Section Misted With Fresh Blood Every Few Minutes"

https://theonion.com/grocery-stores-meat-section-misted-with-fresh-blood-every-few-minutes/

by @theonion

#satire

#meat

Had to check that one wasn’t @theonion
From: @feed
https://www.404media.co/closure-ink-ai-chatbot-ghosted-ex/

Cross-posted from "Clips from the Victory Day Parade in Moscow." by @LaFinlandia@sopuli.xyz in !ukraine@sopuli.xyz

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