The Onion

(Vatican City) As the funeral for recently-deceased Pope Francis concluded this Friday, conversation that some considered “unwelcome” could be heard among those gathered to see off the pontiff. Raising his voice from a near whisper, donald trump could be heard telling Estonian President Alar Karis, “I’m just saying Jared would be a good pope, you should vote for him.” The disruption did not delay the end of the ceremony, but sources confirm that the us president is widely lobbying for his son-in-law to become pope, in contrast to Vatican law.

The president clarified later that day: “I don’t elect the pope. I don’t elect the… I could though. I could… the pope is a very powerful man, he’s dead though, but the pope could be a powerful man, and Jared is a very good man, that’s all I’m saying.” Vatican sources confirm that trump’s people have enquired how Kushner would get on the ballot.

Kushner, who is son-in-law of the president, is an Orthodox Jew, and has never been part of the Catholic church hierarchy. And while Vatican law requires the next leader of the church to be chosen by the church leadership, trump’s team notes that isn’t always the case. “The president is being attacked by the malicious politicians of the global elite and the corrupt priests of the church,” said Press Secretary Karoline Levitt. “One pope I know was chosen out of a crowd because a bird landing on him, so we say Jared is that man, and donald trump is that bird.”

But some pushback can be heard on this issue, even close to the trump team. One trump son, who asked not to be named, said, “This is bullshit. Eric and I work really hard and we never get chosen to be pope. I can’t believe he chose Jerad when I’m right here, dad. I’m right here.”

Trump’s clear lack of understanding of how a pope is elected, what a pope does, and even what religion the pope represents are considered a hindrance by Vatican watchers, but some say trump should never be counted out, once his tiny mind fixates on something. “He can’t have the pope,” said one. “But we also said America would never be dumb enough to elect him once… but here we are.”

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/21330498

(Omaha, Nebraska) As recriminations fly through the Pentagon and doubt is cast on the viability of the current Secretary of Defense, some China-watchers express concern to the safety of counties like Taiwan or The Philippines. But sources close to the Chinese military say that - while these regions still greatly interest China - some Chinese planners are setting their sights on more distant targets.

“Have you ever had corn, like really fresh corn, from the US Midwest?” Asked Hsui Ren, a Chinese military planner and apparent corn enthusiast. “It’s so fresh and sweet there, it’s like the butter is in every kernel.”

Hsui is one of many Chinese strategist who, given the rapid devolution of the US Government, feels that previous expectations may be too low given the political environment. “Sure, we still have long term plans to envelop many countries into our sphere of influence in the coming years. But we only have three and a half more years of trump. While that feels like a lifetime for Americans, that’s not a long time when potential US states might be on the table. We need to accept this opportunity and take as many states as possible.”

Other Chinese strategists are less optimistic. “Sure, I can see California accepting a trade alliance, and maybe Nevada and Colorado taking investment deals and being allowed to keep their weed… but Utah and Wyoming are just too red for us to consider. Sure, there is the idea of saying Biden didn’t want Wyoming to work with China, but that’s pretty far-fetched for most people to accept, even if trump would buy it.”

Not so, says Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Wyoming. “If that communist Joe Biden says we shouldn’t work with China, well by god we should. I’d rather share everything with my neighbors than be a commie.”

Political scholars in the US say that they are drinking heavily, and shouldn’t be bothered during drinking hours. Said one, “I don’t the… I mean, really. Go the China. Trump. Really.” And these views are echoed by the president, who was quoted as saying, “I don’t the… I mean, really. The China. Really.”

Secretary Hegseth did not accidentally text a response to a journalist using signal by newstime.

Here’s what we do know: After their meeting ended and Vice President Vance left the room, the pope was still alive. We can deduce that he was alive, because he was heard asking an assistant, “Ho appena incontrato il volto del diavolo?” which roughly translates to, “Have I just encountered the face of the devil?” It’s a very common question that has been asked in many languages after encounters with JD Vance.

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/21121913

What could be more indicative of a thirst for power and control than a perfectly level, uniform expanse of grass? Clearly, only someone with fascist tendencies would aspire to such impeccable orderliness, attempting to impose their oppressive standards on nature itself. Because nothing says "I want to dominate the world" quite like the pursuit of a weed-free lawn.

Consider the process of maintaining a lawn. It's essentially an exercise in subjugation. Mowing down innocent blades of grass week after week, enforcing a uniform height – it's like a tiny dictatorship being played out in your front yard. And let's not even mention the chemical warfare that goes on behind the scenes – those pesticides and fertilizers are the secret tools of aspiring autocrats, seeking to eliminate any form of diversity (read: weeds) in their quest for homogeneity.

But the plot thickens when we consider the boundary lines. The quintessential white picket fence, meticulously aligned with the driveway, serves as a clear metaphor for the barriers these so-called "lawn fascists" wish to erect between themselves and the rest of the world. Heaven forbid a dandelion or, heaven forbid, a clover should breach these sacred borders! It's not just a lawn, it's a fortified buffer zone against any hint of dissenting plant life.

And let's talk about the water consumption. While the rest of us worry about global water shortages and environmental sustainability, these lawn-loving authoritarians are apparently convinced that the well-being of their turf is of paramount importance. Are they hoarding water to fuel their nefarious plans for world domination? It wouldn't be surprising – every power-hungry despot needs a well-hydrated base of operations.

In conclusion, the evidence is irrefutable: anyone with a lawn is a fascist. The quest for a pristine lawn represents a disturbing desire for control, uniformity, and domination over the natural world. So, the next time you see a neatly trimmed yard, just remember – behind that innocent facade of green lies a potential dictator in the making, plotting to impose their authoritarian rule, one well-timed sprinkler cycle at a time.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/28280058

via https://bsky.app/profile/valeriecosta.bsky.social/post/3lmv2k4chtc2l

Education Secretary mistakes computational cognition for condiments in technological catastrophe

Emotional Surveillance System Aims to Preempt Conscience-Driven Disruptions

(Austin, TX) As national news dominates the headlines, a conflict is brewing in Texas that has state lawmakers worried about a rift that could devastate the party. At issue is a measure currently being debated in the state house, regarding a new abortion technique which uses a tiny firearm to complete the procedure. Texans are taking firm stands on both sides.

Proponents of the Gatt procedure see it as a humane way to terminate a pregnancy under Texas law. Doctors introduce a very tiny firearm into the placenta, loaded and with no safety devices whatsoever. Given firearm safety statistics, were they kept in the US, doctors estimate the pregnancy will end within a week, or about half this time if the mother has been drinking.

Firearm advocates say this is a tragic reality that cannot be avoided. “Shall. Not. Be. Infringed.” says Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northeast Texas. “The law is clear. We can’t take away the right to defend yourself, even from a baby, or that right doesn’t exist for all of us.” Leo’s view is reflected by many in Texas, in a state with strict gun protection laws and which has challenged every second amendment restriction ever tried by the federal government. As one legislator said in his speech this week, “you cannot protect tyranny to save one life.”

But equally vocal republican voices stand opposed to this view. “Every. Single. Life. Matters.” said Leo Sturbgetter, when asked the question from the abortion viewpoint. “The law is clear. Every abortion is a crime against God.” “Pro Life” advocate are active and vocal on the issue; as one legislator said in his speech this week, “you cannot save even one life without tyranny.”

Democratic lawmakers are no help in the division, as their proposal of tiny gun locks produced scorn from both sides of the republican debate. Heated words are turning to threats, and with both sides armed and not in utero, law enforcement officers are calling for peace but fearing violence.

“This can easily get out of control,” said one law enforcement officer who asked not to be named. “This could literally lead to a bloodbath in the house chamber, and I do not look forward to the 4 to even 8 hours of standing outside in a police cordon that would entail, until the final shooters gave up.”

Governor Greg Abbot says he will stand (metaphorically) with whichever side wins the debate.