Almost definitely
this post was submitted on 21 Apr 2025
423 points (99.1% liked)
The Onion
6307 readers
667 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
- The Onion
- Clickhole
- McSweeney's
- Reductress
- The Chaser
- The Hard Times
- The Needling
- Tattletale Times
- The Beaverton
founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
Probably! Almost potentially! Sort of for sure, though!
I mean, there's more evidence that he killed the pope than there is evidence that he fucks couches. And lots of people are saying he fucks couches. Not saying that he does, of course, just that lots of people are saying it.
I still don't understand why everybody keeps talking about his fake couch fetish instead of his real dolphin fetish.
This begs the question is his ultimate fantasy a couch shaped dolphin or a dolphin shaped couch?
Oil up a vintage naugahyde couch, and it feels just like a dolphin.
I mean, I've heard, obviously...
Hey! This ain't about me, it's about Vance.
No no no. He wants to dress up as a couch while getting violated by a dolphin.
This is how horrible rumors get started! Nicely done, keep it up.
Allegedlys*
Obviously he didn't kill the Pope but... It's kinda hard to rule out that he didn't at least contribute
The pope's heart could not bear the sight of JD Vance fucking the Sedia Gestatoria.
But can you rule it out?
You know what they say.....
Well you know, so I'm not gonna repeat it!
But you know he did.
C'mon, Vance didn't kill him, he's far too stupid. Did you see him drop Ohio State's trophy last week? He'd fuck up a hit for sure. Probably put the Iocane Powder in his own tea.
Obviously, someone from his entourage was tasked to do it.
God knows what disease contracted from a couch Vance is walking around with.
They should check the ex pope for polonium. I've heard vp james donald bowman's true boss likes to use it...
Are there any batshit conapiracy theories yet or are we unlucky so far? How much of America actually follows the pope, not being a Catholic Nation? I forget which sects believe in him and which don't. There's gotta be something about the deep state and accepting gay people making him the false prophet though right?
Most Evangelical sects dislike the Catholic church, so IF Couchface got blamed for killing the Pope his supporters would be cheering him on.
Fresh rhetoric.