The Onion

(Portland, OR) The White House is responding in confusion as Oregon Governor Tina Kotek has deployed the state’s National Guard to Portland in a move preempting the president’s order. Kotek says the guard was activated due to rumors that fascists, posing as US Military, were planning to invade the city, under orders of their fat rapist leader.

Kotek says she cannot identify the leader in question. “We know he is very old,” she said at a press conference Tuesday, “and very fat and confused a lot of the time. Some citizens are reporting he has been seen on tv at some golf events. If you have any information to help local authorities track this awful man down, please call the state police department.”

State guardsmen say they are pleased to be called up by the Governor, and will be on the look out for these fascists. “We only know they were supposed to be dressed as soldiers, and their leader is really, really fat, and confused a lot of the time,” said one guardsman who naturally asked not to be named. “We’re not permitted to say who we think this might be, but I understand he could be from Washington. I’m not sure which one, though, could be the state next door.”

The president had no comment if he knew the identity of the fat rapist fascist Governor Kotek described.

(Moscow, Russia) Recent events in the US have alarmed Russian officials, as trump appears to have overcome his fears of association with Jeffery Epstein. On Sunday, the president held a press conference with Maisy, a “very mature” 17-year-old press aide, who he said will be helping him very closely while Melania is out of town. The president joyfully took questions from reporters, and noted several time his new aide’s age.

“She’s quite a girl, and very nimble,” the president noted as his aide stood beside him. The president took questions for 20 minutes, then left, holding his aide’s hand, aboard Marine 1.

The response in Russian security circles was immediate. “We paid so much for these files,” said one agent, on promise of anonymity. “Israel robbed us, and this was before they knew we’d help him win the presidency. He’s been so careful until now, but now it’s like he doesn’t care. It makes no sense.”

“Ukraine is going to get those tomahawk, I can feel it.”

But some Americans support the president’s stance. Bill Belichick, head football coach at UNC, said: “it’s good to see don living his best life. Republicans don’t have to follow the same rules that the rest of you do. I don’t think this Epstein stuff has the pull it once did, which is fortunate, if you ask me.”

And this outlook seems to follow in republican circles that can’t afford sports cars as well. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow-detangler in rural Detroit, said: “this Epstein business has run its course. We’re at war with gangs in Venezuela now. Also Obama needs to shut his mouth and there’s a squirrel that can water ski. We don’t have time for that any more.”

Democrats lament that their half-hearted efforts to release the files no longer seem to affect the president. They note that after six month of effort, they managed to release the names of several of the president’s republican enemies, which they call a win.

The First Ladies office could not be reached for comment.

(Washington DC) Markets and lawmakers are reacting with confusion, as this morning president trump announced in a post on truth social that he was now the ruler of a small island. The post read:

“NOW AS WELL AS PRESIDENT I AM KING OF ISLA MUJERITA LENTO. UPDATE MAPS. REMAINING PRESIDENT AS NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION ON THIS MATTER.”

In a press briefing, a visibly tired Karoline Leavitt informed the press that the island, which cannot be found on any map, is populated mainly by young women who can’t run quickly, and will now be overseen by the president directly. “He will assume all government duties effective immediately, and a beauty pageant overseen by his excellency will be scheduled in one week’s time, overseen directly by the king.” She provided no further details despite repeated questions, instead attempting to draw attention to the Epstein Files in a sudden change of White House policy.

Constitutional scholars question whether a sitting president can rule another country, but note it is not explicitly barred in the constitution. “There might be some issue with the emoluments clause,” said one, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisals by the administration, “but that has been put to bed already with the millions trump and his family have made in less than a year. I suppose congress could impeach him, but I find it more likely a bolt of lightning from a vengeful god would strike trump at this point.”

Also at question is the fact no one can identify the island in question. Politicians close to the president note that if such an island existed, full of young nubile women that cannot escape from predatory men, it would be common knowledge in republican circles at this point. They question whether it came to him in a dream, or whether someone close to the president made up the island, and then informed him he could not go.

The Vice President’s office says they encourage the president’s efforts, and say vance will be happy to assume any duties that conflict with being a king. Vance has been making a strong public presence of late, and some speculate the island, and its capital of Boobyfirm, are an effort to transform more power and responsibility to his desk.

A spokeperson from Boobyfirm could not be reached for comment.

(Atlanta, GA) As Christians come to terms with still being on earth after “the rapture,” a day where the most holy would ascend to heaven, there is growing concern in the community as another segment of society is suddenly missing the day after.

Music studios in Atlanta, Detroit, and Los Angeles are silent, as hundreds if not thousands of black musicians have suddenly gone quiet; twitter accounts of major stars such as Doja Cat, Drake, and Niki Minaj are silent, and even Little Wayne cannot be reached for comment. Christians are up in arms, claiming that these artists have stolen their redemption.

“We are god’s chosen people,” shouted Karen Evens, punctuating the comment with her cigarette butt. “We are supposed to be in heaven. Not those people.”

But if a rapture occurred, an unexpected group was chosen as god’s faithful, and some evidence suggests that Karen is correct about the fate of these artists. One sound mixer at TJ Records, whose Manager Dig Drucky can no longer be reached, says an overnight recording session was interrupted by a flash of light, and a suddenly empty studio. “We was jammin and suddenly everyone was gone… drinks all spilled, spliffs on the ground… I had to stop the joints from starting a fire with all those clothes there. Lot of rings and chains, too… you buyin?”

Religious scholars say while a rapture is mentioned in scripture, the possibility of this being a prank should be ruled out first. They note this is not the first predicted rapture event in history.

As the silence goes on, however, some megachurch pastors have begun to worry, as each day raises more questions as to why they were not chosen.

Kid Rock was very much available for comment.

(Atlanta, GA) As shelves fill with Christmas goods not even four months before Christmas, Christians are beginning their customary season opening by publicly denouncing the obvious attacks on the holiday, no longer even 100 days away.

“Yesterday I went to Starbucks,” said Freida Wallbang, “and there were only regular coffee cups. I asked whether they would have Holiday or Christmas cups this year, and the manager told me they won’t know for 2 months still. Like they don’t even care.”

“Also they said Pumpkin spice won’t be in until Fall actually starts, so that’s wrong, too.”

These concerns are being repeated across Facebook, and presumably other Christian conservative hotspots like church talk groups or rural reddit channels. One poster complained that the Devil’s Day (Halloween) was interfering with space for Christmas decorations, and was angered that there were even still Halloween goods at stores so close to the holiday. “How long do we have to keep talking about Halloween,” he asked, “that’s over, it’s time for angels and snowflakes here in Florida.”

Psychologists say this response is normal, and is more related to instinctive response than actual anger. “You have to think like they would… and I use ‘think’ loosely,” said one social behavior specialist who asked to remain anonymous. “They see the decorations on the shelves, and their first thought is that Christmas must be under attack again, because they are always told it’s under attack. I saw stuff out in August this year though… that’s a long time to be angry. It would make a great study if there was any grant money.”

Republicans seem to sense the danger, and Tuesday announced on fox news that people in Gaza were attacking Christmas. In a clever response, some Democratic circles have suggested that Christmas is attacked repeatedly in the Epstein Files.