The Onion

(Washington DC) Source close to the White House are confirming rumors that trump is testing several versions of a new Pledge of Allegiance during his weekly briefing, often interrupting security personnel to make them repeat various versions of the pledge. Unconfirmed rumors also say a ground of school-aged girls were brought to the White House to “test the pledge,” for a proposed October unveiling.

“This is concerning,” said one White House staffer who asked not to be named for fear of reprisal. “He usually forgets an idea after a few days, but he has been speaking of this for two weeks, it’s very strange.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt denied the rumors, but deflected questions about whether she had been asked to take the pledge. “What I do at the pleasure of the president is private,” she responded to questions related to her taking the pledge.

Administration watchers are cautious in their evaluation. “It feels horrible to say it,” said one, “but it’s always possible he’s just sexually harassing these women and the pledge story is a cover up for this. Really, this is a very broken administration, I can’t believe I am downplaying something they would be doing to only being sexual assault.”

(Houston, TX) As outrage continues to build over the actions of the office of Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE), the office seems unconcerned and even welcoming of the outcry. On Wednesday, DHS Secretary Kristi Noem announced that, by order of the president, ICE would move to only motorcycle units in the coming months. Artist concepts included new uniforms, and two-wheeled cages that would be towed behind the units for prisoners. The outcry has been vocal and immediate.

“This is a disgrace,” said Charles “Buzz” Sabsen, a 10-year veteran motorcycle officer in Philadelphia. “We’ve been saying for months now, at least we’re not ICE. Some ticketed motorists even smile when we tell them. You can’t take us back to the bottom rung just to prove you hate brown people.”

Likewise, ICE officers are decrying the change. “I think this is a bridge too far,” said 10-month veteran ICE officer Aaron “Buzz” Landren. “Some of the newer guys are exciting about this, but us older guys? How will I balance a battering ram on a motorcycle? I’m all for hate, but… have you ever heard of the phrase ‘a hat on a hat?’”

Immigration lawyers note that trumps enforcement numbers are still well below President Biden’s, and motorcycles will not change this. “Mention I want to know where the Epstein files are,” said lawyer Alejandra Rimosa. “Maybe he’ll put them in clown cars next, to see if that distracts us.

The Epstein files could still not be accessed at newstime.

(Washington DC) As the White House attempts to make the trump presidency feel longer by making every week feel like a century, some republicans acclimated to the chaos are casting eager eyes to the 2028 election. And Vance supporters are alarmed by their views.

“Sure, he’s got the couch thing,” said republican voter Karen Hannagen. “But he’s never been to prison. And have you seen the big head memes they’ve got about him? He’s one pair of overalls away from Kentucky, in my book.”

Views like this one have Vance supporter concerned. Nancy Kegal, chair of the ‘Elect Vance Unless Trump Tragically Dies in the Near Future’ Action Committee, says Vance has a lot more crazy buried deep inside than people realize. “Have you ever looked at his eyes? I wouldn’t get in a car with this man.” However Kegal had trouble citing examples, and when pressed admitted Vance often acted more privileged than mentally unstable. “It takes a certain kind of leader to praise a country’s leader at noon and start a trade war with them at before dinner, but vance has been in the same room as trump... they’ve looked at the first page of the same briefings, taken the same pills, and done other things that, when you’re famous, they let you do it. If anyone can be the next trump, it’s vance.”

Other republicans also look eagerly to the next election, over 2 years away. “Trump is fine, but he’s getting repetitive,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in Eastern Florida. “Also if he runs, they say Obama might run again, which is illegal, so trump has to stop him by not running. Me I like that RFK guy, he looks like someone I could ask for meth if he knew I weren’t no cop.” The Republican National Committee refuses to weigh in on the matter, saying, “The prompt you requested is not allowed in ChatGPT, please rephrase your request.”

When asked about her preference, Karen Hannegen says she was sad the president couldn’t run again. “When I see trump, I think about my daddy smacking me and telling me it was for my own good. America needs a good smack sometimes… just don’t touch my Medicaid. I think that Tiger King might be a good president, or maybe, who’s that guy that jumps over building? Super Dave? Evil Kineval? Maybe one of them.”

(Bogota, Colombia) As the US ramps up its military presence further and has now sunk an unarmed ship killing its crew, the administration says they are in this until the War on the Epstein Files is over. “We have struck a significant blow to the attention of the media,” said a younger, blonder press secretary favored to soon replace Karoline Leavitt. “We will continue these violations of international law until the Epstein files are forgotten.”

The Epstein files, which trump campaigned on releasing and subsequently went to war with his political base to withhold, contain information about who travelled extensively with Epstein and participated in his extensive child rape enterprise. The trump administration denies they are mentioned in the files, and say they will continue to sink civilian ships until we stop asking about it.

In a briefing Tuesday, a spokesperson filling in for trump, whom they assure us is alive, attempted to follow the president’s notes and describe a number of civilian targets they plan to attack next, including other commercial vessels, a powerplant, and for some reason a Wendy’s in northern Alabama. “Terrible fries, apparently,” said the unnamed spokesperson filling in. He reiterated, “these targets will not be attacked if the Venezuelan government can provide ironclad guarantees that the Epstein matter will be dropped. Thank you for your attention on this matter.”

Wendy’s stock is down after hours on the news of an impending attack on one of their restaurants.

(Minneapolis, MN) After years of declaring the dangers of respecting gender, republicans are quietly optimistic that the recent school shooting in Minnesota, killing two children and injuring many others, will justify 50 years of loud and often violent hatred of transexuals. “We have said for many years, these people need to be driven into the streets and shot like animals,” said one republican pundit on fox news Thursday, “and this one shooting confirms all our years of fear were correct.”

This enthusiasm is widespread among the far right, while some admit that this shooting is a breath of fresh air, after dozens of mass killings by straight, white, conservative males in a row. “I’ll be honest,” said Jerub Cornflour of Kansas, “after all these troubled men who couldn’t get mental help in time in a row, I was starting to think the guns were the problem. I mean, that Trump boy voted for him. But this shows that trans people mean to kill us all, and it’s not the guns, it’s the gay.”

“Would of been nicer if he wasn’t white, though,” he added.

This mental contortionism is widespread in America, where even the idea of banning weapons would be met with laughter at this point. As communities grieve and enter the second of three days they will discuss the tragedy, republicans are just glad they have something to blame other than mental health.

“This is a real tragedy,” lamented Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Georgia. “You have to look at children dying like this and wonder what bathroom he used.”

(Minneapolis, MN) As Americans come to terms with another violent shooting of children in out country, many are relieved to hear the recommended period of reflection and grieving has been released on the day of the incident. The US DVA has declared that every American should think about the shooting - which reports three children dead and 18 injured - once a day for three days, but continue their prayers for a total of 40 days. While some are concerned with the brevity of the period of thought, most agree that the period of religious observation is extremely appropriate, given the age of the victims and the religious setting of the tragedy.

“Questions have certainly been raised about the brevity of the thoughts,” said a spokesperson for the agency, “but when a president can limit discussion of his involvement in the Epstein files to only five days, three days is a very generous number.”

Americans agree. Nancy Stracker, a kindergarten teacher outside of Chicago, said, “I can’t stand to even think about something like this happening to the children in my class… better to forget it as quickly as possible and hope the problem goes away by itself.” This helpless apathy is reflected around the country; Leo Stubgetter, a cow detangler in southern Idaho, says “I want to focus on the transgender part of the shooting, not the dead children. More than three days of that would make me almost too sad to hate.”

When asked what could be done to help limit gun violence in America, gun advocates point out that the shooter was transexual, and hope that changes the subject. While no federal agencies focus on white people with firearms, there is a growing call to limit their use by anyone not identifying with their original gender, and gun advocates agree that somehow, by preventing this one shooting using legally purchased weapons, these sorts of tragedies would still happen, but we could stop discussing this one.

From 2000. I think about this one a lot.

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cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/5926297

My fellow fans of quality video game satire, I have devastating news. Hell hath frozen over. Hollow Knight: Silksong is releasing on September 4, putting a definitive end to jokes about Silksong never coming out. I repeat: one of our most enduring running jokes is dead. May all our clown gifs rest in power.

Video game comedy (and maybe the regular, non-video game kind, I wouldn’t know) is hard. It takes a lot of work to craft an observation that’s equal parts funny, insightful, unexpected, and about video games. But no matter how much this crazy world around us changes, anyone wanting to make jokes about video games on the Internet could always rely on two eternal truths: It would be funny if the mushrooms Mario ate were really drugs, and there’s one game that’s just taking forever to come out, man. In 1998, the second Penny Arcade strip ever was about how Daikatana hadn’t released yet, and the world of dumb jokes about video games hasn’t been the same ever since.

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