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I'm scared to say that. I really wanna kms right now, like there's a part of me that want to just jump off a nearby bridge tomorrow morning... like... morning is in a few hours, but there's the other part of me that's struggling to fight it off.
I don't trust the system, I don't wanna be involuntarily held at a place I don't wanna be at, that seems worse than death tbh. Just talking about the words "involuntary held" reminds me of that time when my brother literally used zipties to tie me up when I was probably 6 years old, and I just spent the rest of that day waiting for my parents to come home. (Dead serious, not even exaggerating) And also that time when fascist pigs unjustifiably detained me and held me at the police station for several agonizing hours, essentially psychological tortue imo. I fucking hate it.
Hey listen, man. I know you're freaking out rn (hopefully you're freaking out less so at the moment), but you're not necessarily gonna get out on an involuntary hold. Providers DON'T really love doing that. Be honest and tell them you have some degree suicidal ideation, but don't say you have a plan to do it off the bridge right now. They don't commit patients solely for suicidal ideation unless they are stupid. Most patients coming in for psych help feel this. It's relatively "normal" and not something they are quick to "throw you in the brig" for.
If you have panic attacks, you should ask a provider about propranolol. It's technically a blood pressure med but it also is given for panic attacks! It will decrease your heart rate and blood pressure which will make your heart stop racing and help you to stop panicking over it. You just take it when you're panicking and wait a bit for it to kick in to calm down. Honestly might help you a ton! It's not an addictive, feel good med like benzos at all whatsoever.
Baseline anxiety they might want to give you an SSRI and do therapy, but you don't necessarily have to commit to that right away if it's too much or too expensive to deal with rn.
I'm sorry you have to go through that.
there's nothing I could say or do that could even remotely assure you. I'll try my best though.
you know how to build a campfire? you start with small straw/sticks and move on to twigs, and so on until you have a raging warm fire. building joy in life was kind of like that for me.
find the joy in the small things. one a day or a week. I remember when I was battling a bad episode of depression the first thing I found joy in was the peace and quiet of my house. kids were gone, wife was gone, and that first sip of coffee hit me just right. it reminded me of my dad, who also struggled with bipolarity. although he wasn't always the best father, I know he loved me in his own fucked up way.
I found new joys the next week and the week after that. eventually over months I found that I was finding joy in larger things and eventually I didn't have to look for the joy anymore, but I still took the time to appreciate the little things in my routines.
so please, find your small joys. could be anything from putting on some fuzzy socks to how the sunlight refracts through the window. it doesn't matter what it is, only that you get something positive out of it.