this post was submitted on 07 Mar 2024
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You can't talk people who aren't down for that kind of thing into ethical nonmonogamy. That just doesn't work. Trying it repeatedly is already bad enough, don't go for another round of this.
I also think the whole "i would keep other relationships entirely sexual" thing would be a really bad start. A lot of poly people consider it a red flag when somebody wants to date them under that kind of premise, knowing that they're intended as a side gig to a serious relationship. What if they develop feelings for you? What if you develop feelings for them?
Also, the idea that bi people "need to explore" and can't be in a monogamous relationship is a really shitty biphobic stereotype, honestly makes this entire post come off as a poorly thought out troll. You do not have to sleep with every gender you're attracted to to understand your sexuality.
Thanks for this, it means a lot. I also have felt like there's no talking her into any kind of ethical nonmonogamy. If she was open to it at all, she would have said so before, right? Revisiting the topic will only open old wounds.
That said, I still don't know what to do with the feelings I have. I've been attracted to others in the past, sometimes very strongly, and it will probably happen again. And not acting on those feelings at all (or not even expressing them) feels like I'm suppressing that part of myself. That's what I think I'm really struggling with.
how do you feel and what do you do with your emotions when you're attracted to women who aren't your wife? what you do there should translate exactly to what you do with how you feel about attractive men
bonus though, if your wife is into it, you can talk to each other about what you find attractive in men. that's also if you're okay with her talking about being attracted to men who aren't you which I assume you'd be open to given your stance on non-monogamy.
I acknowledge the feelings, but often feel frustrated that I can't act on them. I unfortunately had very little sexual experience with other women before my wife.
this is a bit of a tricky one for us...she's fine telling me when she thinks other guys are cute or hot, but only because she's never been strongly attracted to anyone else...whereas if I mention finding a guy cute, the next question would be "do you want to sleep with them?", and any answer other than "no, not at all" will end up hurting her.
It’s weird that they’d ask, but it would be kinda weird for you to say, “yes”, also. Just because I find people attractive doesn’t mean I want to sleep with them. I don’t want to sleep with anyone but my girlfriend. Maybe monogamy isn’t for you?
I don't think it would be weird or unfair for her to ask that... OP introduced the insecurity by bringing up several times that he does in fact want to sleep with dudes that he finds attractive.
That’s a great point I hadn’t considered.