During my sobriety I've been taking something called suboxone. You could liken it to an opiate blocker, though it does have a degree of a sedative effect.
This becomes unnoticeable after a while.
2 months ago I decided to stop taking it, as it was no longer required.
And so it turns out the mild sedation was not so mild at all. I was emotionally numb to a degree that I had forgotten what either positive or negative really felt like.
It has been tough. I have no desire to return to my old life, I have no cravings. I've had a constant underlying headache from various parts of my body being incredibly tense since the beginning.
But coming back into the world full of feelings and a nervous system that's been half asleep for a decade has been really, really hard. Everything feels so intense, both emotionally and physically.
I love it. But it's hard work. I'm stuck in this "reconfiguration" stage and I think I've mindlessly said "man, today has been a hard day" every day for a few weeks now.
I've played the best music I've probably played in my life over the last 2 months. I feel like myself. I'm excited. But it's a struggle. Were I not already somewhat used to dealing with stuff like this by myself, I think I would have run back to the medicine.
No one I know in real life knows about what's happening. I just needed to get it out of my system.
Thanks for listening.
/vent
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