Bat

i wish i could have a healthy relationship with food

i wish i didn't have such an "all or nothing" mindset

i wish i could see in greys

i've been on hrt for over 2 years now and have almost nothing to show for it. my levels are fine, i remember to talk it every morning and night, but it just does so, so little for me. i've recently found out that this just happens to some people, for some unlucky people it just doesn't do much. people kept telling me that i'd see the most amount of changes in year one, then when that came and went people were like "oh no no year 2 is when things will really start happening" and now year 2 has came and went and still nothing

i feel like a fake when i tell people my name, like i'm lying to them. i'm out to basically everyone in my life but i still don't look like a woman. i try my fucking hardest, i do everything in my power but the more overtly feminine a thing is the most masculine i feel when i try and fail at it

i want to be a woman, but i know most people i interact with on a daily basis will not see me that way, and i don't see myself as a woman either

i cried last night thinking about reintroducing myself to people as my deadname, but it also was weirdly comforting in a way? like coming clean with a lie, like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. like running from the police and getting caught, the relief of not having to hide any more, the worst thing has come to pass and so you don't have to worry anymore, there's nothing left to lose

i don't really want to detransition, but i don't want to keep being embarrassed and ashamed when telling people my preferred name either

i don't really see myself being happy either way. i will be unhappy trying and failing at being a woman, i will be unhappy living life as a man again. but living as a man will be easier, it will be so much less stressful, it will lift this weight off of me

i think i'd stay on hrt even if i socially detransition, which is stupid because i just said it doesn't do anything, but the idea of being on testosterone again fills me with panic. i guess that means there is still a part of me that has hope? that maybe year 3 really will just magically be my year

i don't know what i'm going to end up doing

probably a shitty take but i simply do not trust people like that, but i've had multiple really bad experiences with a trans woman who was exactly like that who actively didn't want to shave her beard and she harassed me multiple times so maybe i'm just biased when it comes to this

i’m just gay, but calling myself a lesbian makes me feel so fucking fake and creepy, it makes me feel more male than i already do normally

i don’t see myself as a woman, i want to be one very desperately, but i don’t feel like one or really consider myself one despite trying to be one. i think that’s why i hate calling myself a lesbian so much because it just highlights this insecurity

i don’t know how to get over it though. this isn’t something i think about other trans women, just about myself. i really wish i could be a woman but i don’t see one in the mirror or feel like one inside

admitting last night that i’m not straight and that i am in fact gay felt really good at least. but i’m probably just going to roll back and start lying to myself that i want a boyfriend sometime in the future then i’ll have to go through this all over again

i never make any progress, i just go in circles