goddamn it my chest looks so fucked up, my boobs are too far apart because of how large my rib cage is and they're still really small so it just looks so fucking weird
i'm a little over two years in, am i completely cooked? i was told i was going to see the most results in year one, then i got told actually there will be more results in year two, if i hear that about year three it'll probably be cope but i need some fucking cope right now
food/weight
It took a little over two weeks to lose 15 lbs but only 3 days to gain back 5 this is bullshit, why is gaining so so much easier this sucks
whatever i'm done with binging so hopefully those 5 pounds will come back off quickly, i'm going to try to be more consistent and and have less low lows and less high highs hopefully eating a decent amount constantly instead of nothing followed by too much. middle grounds like that is something that's really hard for me but i'm going to try
wtfffff i just heard a recording of my voice from multiple years ago and i sound like completely different person despite not having voice trained??? like i sound 1000 times more masculine back then
does hrt change voice at all?? i thought that only happen if you take t, and that e does nothing to it
i guess maybe i've been doing things subconsciously? but i don't think that would make such a noticeable difference
i am thoroughly confused
food/weight
i have eaten more calories in the past two days than i have in the past two weeks
I HATE ~~THE ANTICHRIST~~ BINGING
I HATE ~~THE ANTICHRIST~~ BINGING
I HATE ~~THE ANTICHRIST~~ BINGING
i am completely incapable of doing anything normally, i jump to either extreme and know no middle ground. either i eat too much or not enough, but never a good amount. come to think of it that actually explains a lot in my life and probably is why i am a communist. i go to the extreme of any idea that i have in my brain, probably also why i'm a vegan too, i can't deal with contradictions and have to go all in on any idea that i believe
i textured on his soy til he protein
i've slowly come to the realization that i actually didn't experience any emotional changes from hrt, i just felt what it feels like to not be deep in depression for a brief moment because now that i've become disillusioned with it all my emotions feel just how they felt pre-hrt. i might as well have been taking sugar pills for these past two years
made tea, left it to steep and promptly forgot about it
it's cold now 
food/weight
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK, i some how GAINED weight AGAIN TWO DAYS IN A ROW. i had a total of 680 calories yesterday how the FUCK did i gain AGAIN, this is BULLSHIT
thankfully it was only .2 lbs but still HOW
also i know how water weight inaccurate scales don't weight yourself everyday whatever i'm venting
i've started getting really lightheaded when i get out of bed in the morning or get up from sitting for a long time so i decided that fuck this shit i'm not even losing at that low amount but i feel like dog shit so i'm going to start trying to eat more, probably around 1200 is my new goal. I had my favorite meal for lunch today (vegan chick'n tenders (yes i know i'm NEETbrained goodboy points whatever fuck off at least i'm not hurting animals)) but it it didn't even taste good to me anymore. like it just didn't feel good to eat at all, i guess this goes back to that anhedonia thing frank brought up like yesterday. i ate the whole bag in one sitting, got no pleasure from it and now i just feel like i'm on the verge of throwing up, it had like 1000 calories in it and it wasn't even worth it FUCK
i'm saying that all femboys are eggs 
i got diagnosed with depression years ago
i was on and off antidepressants for a while when i was first diagnosed but they just made things worse
i thought starting hrt and transition would make things better but it only did for a very short period of time and i'm back to where i was
i've been to the student health center but they weren't much help. but then again i wasn't super honest about everything with them since i don't want to get sent to a psych ward
it's absolute dogshit but i only go on /lgbt/ which is the least bad part of the site
i should spent less time on the internet
i probably won't do that, but i should