captainjaneway

There's a scene in Walker Texas Ranger that I happened to catch when I was ~10 years old. Walker, the Texas Ranger, is surrounded by a dozen gangsters. Each gangster has either a pistol or a light sub-machine gun. They are seconds away from turning him into swiss cheese when he speaks up and says something like: "be a man, take me on mano y mano". The gangsters all look at each other and proceed to silently agree. Then proceeds 5 minutes of - one by one - each gangster getting their proverbial ass handed to them. As each gangster tossed aside their gun, it got more and more absurd that they wouldn't realize he had a black belt and simply shoot him; ala Indiana Jones in the sword fight.

If you leave your phone at home for one day, take a walk, get some coffee, meet a friend - but don't use your phone, schedule in advance and tell them you'll be phone-less, etc. You'll find yourself feeling way less overwhelmed by a lot of these things. Phones keep us constantly aware of the changes around us. They make it seem like the world is whirring around much faster than it is. Basically, I guess, I'm suggesting "touch grass". But I do think phones, in particular, are the worst for making us crash out like this.

Just a reminder, these corporations and not making razor thin margins. They can afford to pay better wages.

Just count the noodles.

I'm no expert. I can only recommend what I've learned from the dog trainer I hired and my personal experience with a slightly "Nervous Nelly". Find a treat that your dog loves and give it to her when the scary noise happens. Like someone else said, you don't want to reward the fright response, but you do want to build a more positive association with noise. You don't have to start outside. You can do this at home. Get something like a gun-noise app on your phone. Turn the volume down to 1%. Trigger the noise, feed her a treat. Slowly build the volume and start randomizing it so she isn't expecting it.

Try to catch moments at home where she's inside, but the landscaping equipment is running. Loud noise = treat. You want her to learn that the loud noise isn't a bad thing. She's possibly scared of kitchen noises as well because kitchens are loud. Pots and pans banging around, boiling, fans whirring, etc.

My dog isn't food motivated generally, but string cheese and chicken will get her to do anything I ask. What kinds of treats are you using? Sometimes a scared dog isn't going to be interested in food. If someone was actively breaking into my house and you offered me a cookie, I'd probably refuse the cookie. I think the key is to try and find ways to train in isolated environments that don't cause her to go full flight or fight.

My dog used to be very scared of a vent outside in the city I adopted her in. She was afraid of the loud whirring noise. I loved the vent because it blew out hot air, which I loved in the -20F weather. I wanted her to not avoid it because it meant we both lost the heat opportunity lol So I always carried a treat bag on me and I fed her when we passed it. That's all I did. As we approached/passed it, I gave her a treat and said "good girl". By the 2nd week (of doing this daily), she was walking past it without even noticing. She even started to sniff it. I did the same thing with poles (she hates certain random poles. In a line? They're fine. Alone? We groan.). I reward her if she investigates something that seems to make her nervous.

Another couple of pro tips, get a jar and fill it with 1/3 kibble, 1/3 random treats, 1/3 the best treat you can find (that's shelf stable). Mix it all up. Put it on your coffee table or somewhere where she can't reach it, but you can easily grab it. When she hears a loud noise in the house, try to immediately go "treat!" or some command. Then you can quickly grab the jar and slowly feed 1-20 pieces depending on your dog's weight, treat size, etc. The slower the feed, the better. You only want to occasionally hand out many pieces at the same time. The key is being able to respond quickly. They say associations have something like ~10 seconds before they stop being effective. So, if you want to associate a noise with something positive, you have to be quick.

The only negative of this approach is - if you're super successful - she might start looking at you for treats when a loud noise goes off. But hopefully that means her mind isn't focused on the fear aspect anymore. And maybe someday you can redirect her to some other behavior like "place" or "crate" when she hears the noise. Somewhere that's safe and comfortable for her to relax.

Again, this is just what my trainer recommended. Obviously there are tons of caveats. Maybe your dog just isn't going to acclimate and you shouldn't try this forever. Try maybe training to her to enjoy those head wraps that reduce noise (I picked a random website to illustrate the concept. this is not an endorsement). Maybe your dog just needs to go somewhere else sometimes to unwind (e.g., doggy daycare can sometimes be a nice reprieve for some dogs. It can help them relax and get some energy out playing with other dogs). But in my experience, my "Nervous Nelly" tends to be capable of confidence if I give her treats at the right time/place when she's about to be scared by something.

The very fact that sexual abuse of a minor is being conflated with immigration shows how far we've fallen. This document from the National Institute of Justice shows that the data indicates illegal immigrants have a much lower crime rate than citizens. The issue isn't that they are immigrants, it's that they're criminals. They were presumably committing similar crimes (or at least capable of doing so in Mexico). I'm not any happier knowing that a pedophile is now in Mexico/El Salvador. I want justice and reform. We should always strive for justice and reform. These illegal immigrants aren't the only ones committing these crimes. As I said earlier: largely, it's legal citizens committing these crimes. We need to create a system of justice and reform. We need to be able to handle citizens and illegal immigrants.

Obviously this administration would prefer to take every criminal and push them outside of our borders. Like I said, I don't care if a crime is committed in or out of my borders. I want justice and reform. I want to live in a world where crimes like this are basically non-existent. And I want to live in a world where people with these issues don't become repeat offenders.

Conflating immigration with these types of crimes is just making it harder for us to address the real issues with our justice and reformation system (lack thereof). Not to mention, we are basically just wasting money and time focusing on illegal immigrant crime when the bigger issue is crime being committed by citizens. It's like we cut off our arm, but as the arm fell to the ground one of the fingernails broke. So, this administration is spending all of its efforts on fixing the broken fingernail - and failing to patch the profuse loss of blood coming from its shoulder.

FWIW this was the negative comment I got:

You fucked your wife for fun, and now you’re going to be a dad? For the first time? And you’re dropping this on her and your child(ren)?

It was much longer and had a lot more context but it was pretty rough.

I really appreciate your comment. I edited my post (probably as you were typing this out) to indicate that I'm not exactly opposed to transitioning at this point. I'm more opposed to HRT. And it's almost entirely rooted in my fertility. I just want to be able to have more kids. Everything I've read online indicates that - if I want kids - I should assume HRT will cause infertility. I think I'm ready to start taking smaller steps to transitioning, but I fully acknowledge that they will likely not be enough in the long term. I just don't know what to do since my wife and I have been planning on having 2-3 kids by the time we were done.

That's mostly why I'm going to go to therapy. I don't want to go to "conversion therapy" or anything like that. I'm not trying to stop this process. I'm just trying to find a way to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be able to have kids and a wife and transition. My wife indicates that she's fine with me transitioning but she still wants more kids. Obviously, that has a lot of things wrapped up in it. But generally speaking, it seems like - if HRT didn't cause infertility - I'd be able to start as soon as possible. I'm hoping therapy can clarify what my goals are. I might find out that I want to go on HRT quite quickly. But I might also find out I'm comfortable with waiting. Right now, I feel this strong urge to just start. I feel like I'm losing time to be who I want to be. But I also feel compelled to have a bigger family because I, personally, benefited from having siblings who have been a source of strength and comfort when I needed it most. I want my daughter to have that too.

So, I guess I'm just waiting to see how therapy goes. In the meantime, I'm going to start all the other things I can do to reach my goals. Diet, exercise, hair care, skin care, etc. I had no idea that HRT was considered - essentially - the only effective treatment for dysphoria. That definitely changes my perspective on it, but I just feel stuck due to those fertility issues! Even as I'm typing this out I feel like I'm bouncing back and forth. HRT, wife, kids. The constant mental cycle just feels unclear. I just think a qualified therapist will get me some clarity before I make any choices.

I edited my post because I was incorrectly using "transition" as a stand-in for HRT, which is way off.