lilypad

I always hesitate to call what I experience a period, because i dont know if thats what it is or if it operates the same, plus some deep-set fear that as soon as I use that word in reference to myself 10 terfs will jump out of the woodwork and berate me for an hour.

I was wondering if anyone else experiences intense period-esq symptoms? Every ~3 weeks i have intense mood swings and am borderline psychotic for 2-5 days. I get very super dysphoric and everything is just really terrible. I also lose memory and dont remember what I did during those times very well (although my memory is terrible regardless so it could just be normal-for-me memory loss).

Its not directly related to my shot schedule, but its at its worst when it lines up with my shot. I cant tell if progesterone makes it better or worse, but I went off it to try and narrow everything down, because it wasnt always this intense. I might try cycling it to see if that helps? But it might just make it worse.

Im unsure why i made this post, i guess i just want to know im not alone?

How do you write a cover letter for a job doing very basic tasks? I feel like Im either shmoozing and being way over the top, or being realistic in a way that will keep me from getting the job. For reference the job is to package coffee and make other products. I guess i just dont understand. I need a job, they need a worker. This work can be done by most people, its not some field thats relevant, its putting beans in bags and brewing coffee, how can I say "i really want to work here" when in reality any job will do, this is just the one that vibes best with my social capacity and is offered by the least offensive corporation. Like what am I gonna say, "I love brewing coffee, i spend every day constantly brewing coffee and moving my coffee beans from one bag to another, because I just like handling coffee"?

I have also been studying or doing self employed things like tutoring for the past 10 years and my cover letter skills were shit before this and have only gotten worse.

Cant I just write "job. Me need job. You have job. Me need money for survive. You need worker for labour. You give money, i work. I work good." and be done with it?

Had a convo with my mother last night. I kicked it off because she had been misgendering and deadnaming me the past couple days. She always caught herself, but I wanted to see why this was happening and make it stop happening.

She insists that she doesnt see me as a man, that she sees me as me (funny, she doesnt use the word woman to describe how she sees me during this conversation ). Shes says that its all just the automatic processing her brain does, but doesnt think that automatic processing is actually how she sees me. So i guess what she thinks isnt representative of what she thinks??? Like I get it, its hard to recontextualize ones view of another, but the automatic responses are the most telling, they show how you automatically gender me, and those responses are meaningful, not "oh just automatic so we dont need to worry about them and theyre not representative of how I see you". Guess my mothers an idealist and a , but we knew that already.

The conversation took an upsetting detour where I had to hold space for and take care of her emotions. I mean, I asked her multiple times during the whole convo how she was doing, if shes ok, but that same care doesnt get extended to me. Im just sick of saying "hey ive got a problem with how youre treating me" and it getting turned into me taking care of the other persons emotions.

In summation, i desperately need a job so I can move out again.

Why bright red is a transfem story

Ok so like im durnk and wrote this up so like fuck you dont judge me but also judge the shit out of it idk fuck. I'm just writing and like i wrote this in one go and havent edited anything so idk it may be hot shit or it may be a hot shit. have fun i guess. Its pretty fucking binary, but like im pretty binary and idk like how the fuck could i even pretend to speak to/for a nonbinary experience?

(Edit: i cant ~~descide~~ figure out if this is a shitpost or an effortpost so like idk you tell me)

also like CW for abuse/dysphoria/just the shitty aspects of being trans i guess idk pull this down if its not appropriate or anything idk.

Did she fall or was she pushed?

did the little girl fall down? or was she pushed down by patriarchal systems? With this line Laurie Anderson speaks to the early age emotional neutering that young boys and presumed-boys go through. The young girl is falling, but is she? or was she pushed down by patriarchy, cisnormativity, and the refusal to acknowledge her as a girl?

Your shirt on my chair
Your shirt on my chair

These lines speak to the idea of another persons clothing being on ones own self. Wearing another set of clothes, keeping them on the chair, but not in the closet. They are here, and in use, but they are not her. They are foreign, perhaps protective in the way that a 'boyfriend-shirt' is protective. Protective in that they keep her safe from the beatings, the mocking, the derision and abuse, the calls of 'just kill yourself'. It is also threatening - theres another person here, and all you see is their shirt. This speaks to the dissociation and depersonalization that so many trans people go through.

I'll be with you. I'll be there

This line reinforces the above, that the shirts owner, a fake person built to protect her will be there, protecting.

I'll never leave you

This line speaks to the experiences of growing up as a closeted transfemme person never being removable from ones being. They will never leave her, they are a part of her.

Your shirt on my chair

and we return to the idea of the shirt on her chair, there, but not in her closet. Present, used, but not hers. protective but oppressive. dissociated.

Come here little girl. Get into the car
It's a brand new Cadillac.
Bright red.
Come here little girl\

The little girl is getting into the car, the western cultural symbol of masculine obsession. Of the freedom to go wherever you want. But only if theres a road. This represents the priviledge associated with being male presenting, the ability to go wherever you want, that freedom, but its predicated on there being a road to drive on; true freedom in that sense comes from ones own two feet. This speaks to the way society tells men that they can be everything, as long as they stay on the road.

This symbol, so associated with the husband neglecting his wife for his car. It represents the chains that come with a gender identity that one does not have, that is forced upon our protagonist. Not only the husband neglecting his wife, but the woman neglecting her womanhood for the safety of masculinity.

The Cadillac is bright red, the color of blood, shed metaphorically in the pursuit of staying safe in a deeply cisnormative transphobic world, and literally in the form of beatings and assaults designed to punish her for not being a cis man, and additionally also the literal blood spilled during surgeries. Come here little girl, you will be harmed, you will be driven away in the bright red cadillac.

Hey! Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Your despair in my heart. Bright red
Your words in my ears
I'll be with you. I'll be there. I'll never leave you\

These lines speak to the realization, the internal confrontation of seeing onesself and knowing and accepting that one is trans. The despair of knowing that initial panic of 'oh fuck im trans'. The recognition that its been this way all along. haven't I seen you somewhere before? yes, as a child, before she was forced into hiding, before the femininity was beaten out of her. The recognition of all that blood, bright red, metaphorical and literal, that was shed to get to this point. The whispers and words in her ear, telling her what to say, how to act, which person to be.

Somewhere along the way there is an inversion, it is no longer the man saying he will be with her, to protect her, but it is her saying, that no matter whether she embraces her transness or not she will always be there, she will never leave.

Wild beasts shall rest there
And owls shall answer one another there
And the hairy ones shall dance there
And sirens in the temples of pleasure\

The wild beasts, representing the untamed and unbridled emotion and turmoil of existing outside of the societal scripts and in such an incredibly wild way. The owls answering one another, trans people reaching out to each other in the night, in the dark, where the burning eyes of hateful society cannot see. The hairy ones dancing, unashamed. And the sirens of the temples of pleasure, calling one towards them, towards the pleasure of knowing onesself, of being whole, of being able to engage with the world and with yourself as you were meant to. And of the pleasure of being able to have sex without dissociating. It is a temple, a prayer process. How many trans women have lain awake at night praying to god that they turn into a girl come morning? And the process of transition, it is a prayer, a prayer to ones own body, ones nerves and fat and muscle. The body once dissociated slowly knowing pleasure. Not in a sexual manner (although also that) but in the manner of just being able to exist without it hurting, without needing to numb everything to the point of non existence.

Your shirt on my chair
I'll be with you. I'll be there. I'll never leave you
Your shirt on my chair\

Finally we return, to our protector, who will always be there in some way or another. Whose experiences and guidance have shaped our protagonist, and helped get her where she is today. He will always be a part of her. Your shirt on my chair. Here, but not permanently. The shirt is all thats left, a reminder of what was, but not permanent, not put away in the closet, in the dresser.

She can protect herself now. She doesnt need him, and so all thats left is his shirt on her chair.

Ok thats the whole thing idk i maybe remove cause embarrass like most things i do when drunk i regret so maybe this one tooooooo????

Heya,

I wasnt sure what comm to put this in, but I figured itd be good to get other trans peoples thoughts on this so I put it here, but maybe its better suited to the chat comm? Anyway...

Im needing to get more supplies for injections, and am having some questions about both the needles/syringes, and about some info I found. Basically Im realizing I do things way different to how providers recommend and am a bit anxious... (Like, this whole post is probably just anxietyposting, idk)

So, the PP pdf on injections says that for subq (what I do) you should use a 23-25g needle. It also says that you should never draw up estrogen with these needles and you should use a larger needle for that. Im curious, why is that? Ive been using a 30g needle for both drawing and injecting. Have I been fucking up my medication (like only drawing up the carrier oil and not drawing up E or something)?

The PP pdf also says that you should inject at a 45° angle for subq. Ive been doing it at 90°. Is this an issue? Why do they want people to do it at 45°?

Ok those questions aside, Im needing to buy more syringes/needles. What Ive been using doesnt seem to be available anymore, and Im a bit anxious about using something different. I use E at 40mg/ml, and have been using BD needle/syringes marked for U-40 insulin, cause it makes measuring dosage super easy. But now all the BD syringes I find are for U-100. Is it a stupid idea to use such syringes? All the U-40 syringes that I find are marketed for pets, which makes me a little anxious about quality control and sterility. Should I be worried about that? Or should I just go for the U-100 BD syringes (they have an 8mm 31g needle, if thats relevant?)?

Thanks in advance for answers, Ive managed to overthink myself into an anxious corner and appreciate your alls advice.

Its just so exhausting and upsetting.

The conversation continued with additional transphobia.

And like i get it okay, im not a person, not even a human, but can we just skip the whole conversation? Or is the whole dehumanization and inflicting pain thing the enjoyable part?

I guess a positive is that it shows who the fake and fairweather allies are, like i was surrounded by people i thought were allies but no one said a damn thing. It was transphobe 2 that actually called out his friend cause 'you just cant say that stuff anymore' 🙄. Transphobe 1 proceeded to try and defend his actions by claiming he was using gender neutral language cause he didnt know how to gender me. Like, no motherfucker you fucking werent! Gender neutral language isnt dehumanizing language! Now i get to go organize an event with these same "allies" who said nothing. I demand that you shoot me now, so i dont have to do this.

Im not sure why im so upset about this. Its not that bad, really just par for the course. Not like he was beating me or anything. And allies should be assumed to be false unless otherwise proven. Its just so tiring. So damn exhausting.

Thanks for listening to me