Yesterday my boss Anica was discussing everyone's progress in a planning meeting. When she got to me she pointed out publicly, "you have uncompleted tasks from the last session," and "there was a bug in your code here," and "the client said something about another bug with your code?"
I know she wasn't doing it intentionally. There was no cruelty in her method.
She absorbed this "highlight their failures and minimize their successes" from her own boss, who is a toxic piece of garbage. He might be a sociopath. I don't think she realizes that he's infected her with this behavior.
But even knowing this, I got mad. I focused on the last item, the one she was unsure about, and dragged it out in front of everyone. Made her admit she didn't know about it. Made her admit she didn't document anything. Made her look incompetent the way she did to me.
Later she was upset, and couldn't believe I focused on her failures in front of the whole group. Angry tears. She honestly didn't understand that she had been doing the same thing to me. She still doesn't see it. I apologized and she forgave me, but she never figured out what happened.
I'm still angry at her. I want to not be angry at her. She's innocent, but has picked up waspy behavior from her own boss. She can't help it. I think maybe she's naive and slow, like a child. She honestly doesn't know that her behavior is hurtful.
My part of this story is having work unfinished at the meeting. And yes, there were bugs with my code. I cannot blame all of this on her.
I'm hoping that in her mind, she was doing her job, making sure everyone knows the status of all our tasks, making sure everyone has a plan to move forward. I hope she didn't realize I was hurt by her words. I hope she's unintentionally using methods taught to her by someone else, not using them deliberately. I hope she cares, that she wants us to work well together. I hope she's not doing it on purpose. I hope it's not personal.