or have I just started taking magnesium again?

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/2424270

Oh look, it's me.

I was supposed to do boring life stuff today but I got heavily sidetracked by trying to model a physics problem.

This sort of distraction happens a lot to me, when I'm meant to be doing one chore but drop it and do a different one when I see it needs to be done. Like needing to clean the stove, then noticing the cupboards aren't clean, and then staying up late cleaning my kitchen from top to bottom. The sort of thing where it's hard to find motivation but once I do then I'm unstoppable.

I have a friend on adderall, and how he describes that drug it wouldn't work to help this because it helps you focus, but not necessarily on the right thing. He once took it to finish an assignment and then got fixated on a videogame instead and played it until 5am.

I notice a lot of people use terms like "psychotic" or "psychopath" as insults and negative descriptions on here. These are clinical terms that are used to describe real people with difficulties, not boogeymen! I don't disagree with the sentiment that these people are doing wrong, but if you wouldn't use the r-slur or "autistic" as an insult (which you shouldn't) then you shouldn't use these words either. And I get the idea of calling someone delusional, but take care that you don't just mean "I disagree with them." Though by posting on neurodiverse I imagine I'm preaching to the choir.

Sincerely, a casual schizoaffective disorder haver.

All I want to do is fight and fuck and drink myself to death, I know they're all bad ideas but it's so hard to stop myself. I live angry at everything all of the time. People avoid me, which makes sense as I can rage at a seconds notice.

This episode is just starting, so far I've been handling it better then past ones but I have anywhere between another month to another year stuck in this state. I don't even get the cool manic energy that lets you crank out a book or something else worth while. I just have constant nervous energy that can't be put to any use. Fortunately I have pets, if I didn't have to be responsible for them I think I'd bounce on my whole life. I know that's a classic bi-polar feeling and will seem like a terrible idea when I come out of this but fuck every thing and everyone sucks. (except for you guys )

I don’t know why and I’m scared to know, but crying is a feeling on par with some indescribable pain. Can anyone else relate in any way

Just throwing this out there as a PSA.

Was bored at work and ended up reading something about vitamin deficiencies caused by some ADHD medications (from what I remember Adderall and Vyvanse). Among those listed was magnesium deficiency being a possible side effect. Went and bought a supplement last week and it's noticeably improved two different minor health problems I was dealing with (constipation and excessive popping in joints, particularly my wrists).

Bowel movements are now effortless and my wrists are much quieter. It's kinda crazy how drastic the change was. Can't find the original article I was reading but googling Adderall magnesium deficiency brings up a few different things to read.

There's really four parts, but give it a read-through.

So I found out a guy who we used to mutually call each other best friend is having a baby. Its been a LONG time since we talked regularly. We still live in reasonable distance from each other, but far enough that its difficult to connect. And also Ive been depressed and not socially active irl for a good 8 years now lol. My only good irl friend friend dumped me a year ago over a stupid misunderstanding. But i had no friendship ending drama with this other friend.

Anyway, I was like "hey itd be nice to be part of your kid's life". Thing is, Im very good with kids, and thats like a core part of who I am as a person, but something my irl friends have repeatedly shown that they do not understand about me lol. (that other irl friend friend dumping me's reasoning for doing it included a very fundemental misunderstanding of that for example).

Anyway, my friend there said "idk its been so long since we've talked, maybe eventually" and I was taken aback a bit. I mean, on one level I get it. The mother of his kid doesnt even know me so thats a big reason for that. But like...

OK, studies show that autistic people do NOT do the whole "friendship degrading with noncommunication" thing. Something I always found weird in the Sims is how friendships degrade when you dont talk to them frequently (unless you max them out lol). Stardew does the same thing I think? And besides finding that annoying just from a gameplay perspective, I also didnt get it because like... wait is that how people think? Because i DONT. I dont really lose feelings of affection or freindship from noncommunication alone. Someone needs to DO something to me for me to change my opinion of them. And like, me and this friend have had our drama lol. He's a bit of a narcissist, not a "cant safely be friends with him" kind of narcissist but a "friendship with him will have toxic moments" type. And he mistreated an ex pretty bad, but that ex is still friends with him so I won't impose victimhood on her. (Our mutual ex is another story there, I really need to reconnect with her someday, but I always was very confused who was the perpetrator of mistreatment in that relationship because they both seemed pretty toxic, but anyway). But like. NONE of that is 'Wow you are NOT my friend anymore" stuff. Just stuff to be aware of and work around for me. Idk.

These are not coherent thoughts completrly but I like that I can dump them here from time to time.

They were serving me and I recognised them, I said oh hey I see you at boxing don't I, and she said aye and TURNED AWAY

Lately I have been trying to get myself to go out more often. I have been going to a few meetup groups with other people in my city to try to get myself to socialize a bit more, because I have a really hard time with it. They have all gone fine and I have had a good time, but something that I have noticed is that nearly everyone, at least in these situations, just want to talk about their job. Many of them would literately not talk about anything else at all. I'll even attempt to try to talk about something else, but the conversation always goes back to them talking about their job. I'm fine with telling people about what I do for work and what not, but I swear nearly everyone at these meetups just wanted to talk about their job. Personally, the last thing I want to talk about in a casual conversation is talk about my job, but it seems like the complete opposite for everyone else. The organizer of one of these meetups even asked people to try to talk about things not work work related and people still did anyways. There were several people even networking one one of these meetups, even when they were told not to?

It's not that I don't want people to talk about their jobs, especially if they enjoy it. I just feel like my work isn't interesting at all, so I don't have a lot to say about it to other people. I don't know if talking about your job is just a common thing for other people my age and I am just stubborn about it cause Autism and what not, or if I am actually frustrated that I have a hard time adding to those conversations. It makes me feel really dumb when other people are having these conversations and I have no idea what to say, and feeling like I can't connect with anyone at all. It happened so much at the last meetup that I almost felt too stupid to talk to other people and just sat around a lot trying to find someone not talking about their job. Is this just a normal thing for most people that I need to get used to?

WHERE TO GET THE BOOK: http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=F6B31A8DAFD6BD39A5986833E66293E6

PRIOR THREADS:

• Introduction
• Chapter One
• Chapter Two
• Chapter Three
• Catch-up/Revival

So again, been a minute. I've been dealing with a lot of shit, and kept putting this off because I really didn't want to half-ass it. So I guess I'm using three quarters of my ass here.

In chapter 4, Dr. Price goes over the various flawed ways masked autistics keep themselves going just to function, and how incredibly debilitating the effects of all this are. Namely substance abuse, eating disorders, detachment/disassociation, adherence to rigid belief systems, and fawning/people-pleasing. I've experienced all of these to some degree or another myself, and have been working extremely hard to find my way out of the dark forest. I keep bumping into trees (social problems).

Anyway, Dr Price talks about how booze and weed are seen as gateways to social acceptance since it makes you more relaxed and people expect "goofy" behavior out of the inebriated. Eating disorders allow us to be focused on being thin and pretty, or else just burying our feelings under a mountain of junk food, or binging and purging -- anything to seize some control. Detachment/disassociation allow us to function, technically, even when internally we just have to shut down and carry on with what we're doing. Rigid belief systems? Very good way to easily sort out "good" and "bad" things and people. Fawning? Something every socially successful autistic person has fallen back on at some point as reflexive self-defense, but also a strategy people lean into to be liked (but not respected).

The reasons for these behaviors are pretty plain to see, as is the damage they do to us. This one resonated with me a lot; I'll have to take some time to write out my thoughts in full later on, but I wanted to get this one posted because I've been putting it off long enough. Discussion questions:

• As usual, any passages or quotes that really stick out to you? Anything confusing or enlightening?
• What flawed coping strategies have you used to get through life? What has it cost you?
• Are you still struggling with any of these? Are you starting to realize you're struggling and just didn't notice the specific way yet?

Tag post to follow, my own thoughts later on.

HF autist, ADHD but sorta medicated(probably too low of a dose).

I've been trying to acknowledge/identify something that I feel has been having a lot of negative effects on my life lately. When I'm working on learning something or solving a problem, I'll often hit a point of frustration where all my interest to move past it is suddenly lost.

This will be something like dealing with something annoying at work. But also in creative pursuits, ie I slacked on practicing guitar for a couple weeks and now some knowledge I had is just gone and I'm frustrated I need to start a few steps back.

Things like games with few save points were never fun for me. On many occasions, I'd drop a game completely after forgetting to save and losing hours of progress.

Basically once I get this feeling of frustration, I glaze over and start feeling really tired and annoyed. Like I hit a wall and the only thing that stops it is going to sleep. A few times I've straight up gone to bed hours early just to avoid simmering in the frustration.

Undiagnosed dude here, been accused of it my whole life and people I assume that I have it, yadda yadda

But at every point in my life, I’ve lost people because they grew up while I remained childish. And I guess I’m at that point again, I didn’t want something about my personality I can’t change be the reason I lose people who are important to me

Does this make any sense

Did anyone else have experiences in school where they started you on medication around age 5 and did not inform you of how the condition worked after diagnosis? How was it like trying to find more information about it in adulthood? I'm looking for others to compare to with my own experiences.

For me it was a diagnosis at age 5 after referral by the school to a psychiatrist and years of being told I'd “outgrow” it. I had problems at times with procrastination that led to issues with school work at different points a few years into being off medication. I guess I just want to understand what it was all about.

The nurse practitioner I'm seeing about my ADHD diagnosed me with bipolar disorder

She literally could not have surprised me more if she tried

This makes no sense to me but it's scaring me a lot :(

I don't really remember having manic episodes? Depressive maybe but it's usually after something bad happens to me and not really consistently....

I told her I put off making this appointment cuz I've been feeling really bad recently, then she just asked me a few questions like if people say I talk too much sometimes or if I do things impulsively and prescribed me an antipsychotic (aripiprazole) wtf

I asked some family and they haven't noticed anything like this... idk :(. Has this happened to anyone else? Am I just in denial? I'm afraid to take this drug she gave cuz I really don't need to be even more tired all the time... or tardive dyskinesia or something (unlikely, worst case)

Not going to go in detail but I've learned I'm too autistic to do like, most organizing work

Anybody else? I just kinda do basic administrative manual labor type shit now

It seems like the person not online as much sort of simulates a lot of unwritten social rules that only people who are able to learn those rules are able to see.

Can someone please tell me they know what I mean by this

I have been a radical on laziness ever since I received my ADHD diagnosis (this was almost 10 years ago now.) It wasn't until just today that I found an explanation for WHY I felt this way about the word "lazy" and "laziness". This guy sums it up better than I ever could.

Nothing will send me into a rage more than hearing someone describe someone else as "lazy". I have zero filter on the subject. I have, and will continue to, lambaste people who genuinely express the notion that someone's problem is that they are simply "lazy". It's a weasel word. It's a thought terminating descriptor. It is the farthest from a materialist perspective you could have. People who genuinely believe in the concept of laziness are void of empathy, and need to be told such. Laziness is a bourgeois notion, used to trivialize your situation.

If you have been telling yourself that you are "lazy" or that your problems would just "go away" if you could just stop being so "lazy" I need you to understand something:

You are not lazy!

You are the product of your material conditions, this includes your social conditions. Changing those conditions is not a simple matter, but hopefully recognizing the root of your "laziness" can help you make moves to find more compatible conditions.

I’ve spent way too long trying to quantify/understand it, to be completely honest. As someone who has been working from home on and off for two years now, this shit sucks. I tried to wholeheartedly convince myself that I am a homebody who doesn’t require any social interaction lol what a foolish thought

Through my hours of rumination on this topic, I’ve also gleaned that I personally hate irl social interaction because I fucking suck at it, not because I don’t wish I could desperately fit in for once. Because when I’m in the comfort of friends who are like me, I’m on cloud nine. And I’m so much slower verbally than when writing/typing, feels as though people’s attention spans in this day and age are not in alignment with the way in which my brain works.

But yeah I really noticed it when I came to the realization that I could easily make a post about how I’m feeling about a situation with one of friends online, but I could ALSO text that friend and ask them directly. And that right there sums up the majority of my social problems. Because I know I could send the message to the friend, but the uncertainty, fear, doubt, and general sense of uncomfortability that await after I press send? Way too much. Those feelings don’t exist when posting online, and I’m not sure if it’s simply the anonymity.

And one thing I haven’t been able to stop thinking about is how so many things which people say (that are considered “childish”) would be perfectly appropriate with a neurotypical tone. A lot of it is like “wow no one ever asks/says that because we have this other nebulous social routine I just do even though it doesn’t make sense”

I hate it here lolololololololol

Idk about the whole "127 variations" thing and tbh I'm deeply skeptical about it - I reckon that's just a way of selling a course tbh.

But aside from that and the brief shilling segment in the middle, this video is a really thorough look at ADHD across its presentation, symptoms, treatment options with decent consideration for neurophysiology and neurochem etc. in about as succint a video as I've ever come across.

I think a lot of clinicians don't dig deep enough into the span of symptoms of ADHD and this might be a good starting point for folks with ADHD or people who think they might have it to begin discussions with their doctors, especially if you are dealing with difficult symptoms or side effects.

Some bits might go over your head unless you're a nerd for this stuff but I can find some other videos or I can do my best to explain but even if you don't fully understand every part of this video I reckon you'll still find some useful information in it.

(It's also kinda vindicating because I occasionally talk about conditions that aggravate ADHD or which can mimic it - sleep disturbances, anaemia, problems with hormone levels etc. so it's nice to see this stuff getting mentioned and it's validating to see a qualified psychiatrist talking about this because it means I'm not a total crackpot.)

should probably preface by saying that comedy is one of my special interests, improv and stand-up comedy being my favorite flavors

I saw a thing in the paper today about a local comedy collective offering classes.

From the snooping I've done online, it seems like it's led by a guy who did comedy elsewhere but now lives here in rural shit-hole Ohio and is trying to create a community for it. It's a PoC leading it, which instantly gives me more faith in the endeavor.

The pictures they've posted from previous improv workshops give me the impression that these are my favorite flavors of weirdos.

But - presumably like most of you? - I am a very specific flavor of strange that most people don't like, and tbqh, I'm going through an particularly difficult period in which a strong dose of negative feedback could be extremely harmful.

but I'm also desperately lonely and struggling to figure out if there's anywhere I fit in at all anywhere in the world

Engaging with this opportunity seems like a big risk - maybe I could meet some people with similar interests with whom I could get along, but maybe also I could feel terribly rejected in a way that might be horrifically harmful for me right now

I tried to bring it up with my husband in the hope that I could get him to do it with me, but before I even got that far in the conversation, he was scoffing at the very existence of the class, so I feel like a real dumbass for even being interested

is this stupid?

It's weird, in the moment, I get blindsided by an interaction and only after it's over to I realize I said or went along with things I didn't want to. I'm trying so hard not to talk to people and I want to change that. I'm avoiding people because I'm scared of interacting and getting it wrong.

I can protect myself, but that means against everyone. Like I can deflect with humor or defend myself and so I keep people at a distance. I'm pushing people away, I'm avoiding them that badly. Because the truth is, I don't assert myself at all. I'm afraid that asserting myself will hurt people.

But I know I'm hitting a wall and that's from me not being assertive.

How do you know when you're doing too much or too little assertiveness? Do you have an internal sense of that? The way I sense it is by looking at the person for signs of pain or discomfort when I talk. So I hold back when I know what I'm saying might be something they don't want to hear.

What helps you know when you're being appropriately assertive?

I’ve been in a bit of a tough spot with my (highly suspected) autism and haven’t been able to be my masked self in quite a bit. I’m not sure if anyone can relate, but my masking used to be somewhat controllable but now I’m really bad at it—like to the point where I’m hesitant to go out in public because I’ve forgotten how to human. Like I used to be decent at acting in general, but that’s no longer the case

But anyway. I wish so desperately that I could just have access to how NTs conduct themselves in conversation just so I could have a framework for reference. Does something like this exist anywhere? Think of it as me copying people and changing up their behavior just a bit (which is how I’ve gone through my life)