The Onion

(Washington DC) As Tyler Robinson appears in court for charges of killing Charlie Kirk, while Luigi Mangione, alleged shooter of healthcare CEO Brian Thompson appears for hearings, First Lady Melania Trump has taken rare initiative in calling for Americans to pay attention to the similarities between these men. In a rare press conference, the first lady called for vigilance.

“No one can deny these crimes are wrong, and forbidden,” she said on Monday. “We have to pay careful attention as a nation to young, well-formed, white men in this age range. We need to know where they are going, whether they are buying weapons, if they have a girlfriend. This is our duty to keep America safe.”

The comments have drawn praise from those who feel America has a problem not divided by left and right, but by strong emotions and political feelings of helplessness. “I know I feel helpless when a much stronger young man is in the elevator with me,” said one female pundit. “You try to appear confident, but you never know what their intentions are. I’m often sweating after thirty seconds.”

These comments mirror the First Lady’s, who has made it her task to monitor the young male staffers of the White House when the president is away or golfing. She replied to questions that this monitoring will be ongoing, and will support the Secret Service. “They don’t have time to watch every pool boy or dishwasher, so I’m going to help with that… much like I’m calling on every American to do as well.”

The president praised the First Lady’s efforts from his golf course in Mara Lago. “She does great, great work,” he said. “Very pleased.”

Worthy repost

Never been to Charlotte, but this was pretty funny.

(Ogden, UT) As the White House attempts to find every angle on Charlie Kirk’s death to drown out the Epstein Files, word is circulating of a miracle relating to the recently dead Kirk’s clothing. A blind hospital employee cleaning the operating room, where surgeons tried to save Kirk’s life, has reported that after handling the remains of his shirt, he has developed a sudden distrust of black people. “Of course, I don’t want to say black people. But I am trying to be polite,” the man said on condition of anonymity.

Republicans are thrilled with the news. “This man used to be a rational member of society, and now he is out buying a gun for his protection,” said KC Crosby, co-chair of the republican party. “And I am assured, if he hadn’t been wearing gloves, he’d hate brown people, too. Maybe even able to see!”

Calls to the Vatican have received muted responses, as republicans demand to beatify Kirk as a Saint immediately. “The church has racist Saints, yes,” said one Cardinal speaking off the record. “But we don’t make you a Saint just for being racist… not any more, as least. They probably want to find an openly racist church, which is not difficult in America.”

Enter the KKK, who claim their strong religious background qualifies them to beatify Kirk. Klan members have already begun placing images of Kirk on crosses, and - disturbingly - burning them. Still, they feel this is what Kirk would want for his legacy.

“Charlie is a religious figure now, and we can only hope he is burning there in the afterlife like we honor him here.”

(Phoenix, AZ) As the nation works to discuss the assassination of Charlie Kirk without bringing up gun violence, the White House has announced that Donald Trump will lead the organization going forward. “It’s a sad time, very sad,” said the president at his New Jersey golf course. “We know Charlie’s family is sad and America is sad. I know they want me to take over until his son is old enough to take over.”

Turning Point, a corporation with its own board of directors and chain of succession, says they are reaching out to the president to clarify his symbolic leadership of the firm. But trumps office clearly responded as if the president ran the organization. “The president is planning to move the headquarters to JD Vance’s old office once he moves,” said Karoline Leavitt to reporters, “and has a new logo commemorating Charlie being commissioned at a gold leaf factory. The president is excited to do the work.”

When asked how this would affect the president’s current work administering the country, Leavitt had no comment.

WASHINGTON—The ceremony called MEGA Funerals was hosted on the White House's lawn. Standing over two dug up graves, Trump and Vance exchanged epitaths to each other before calling up select leaders and influencers to speak up. Among them was Javier Milei, who came with his own shovel.

"The greatest, brightest, most tragic funerals you've ever seen.' Trump announced on his Truth Social page. 'Make Ethernity Great Again! MAGA knows no time, no time, we are over it, out of it!', he said to the crowd on site.

'We don't make things up', Vance said, 'If there's a christian spirit in you, you know the significance one's death carries. And it's in our tradition to not only have it, death, but to get up again. If the woke virus can't be put down, we can take it with us and get back.'

The announcement came out on the 12th of September when the White House posted a suspicious link to the Etherium-based crypto market platform without any further comment. There, user could be met with a thousand NFT tickets to the ceremony on the White House grounds, with date, time and a promise of a formal announcement.

It came from the Donald Trump's Truth Social account. In the previously cited post, president wrote about how he is frustrated with the reaction of his overseas colleagues. 'They didn't give a damn about our good man Charlie', it reads, 'They don't respect him. They don't respect us. The United States.'

In the following posts it was disclosed that White House would hold a funeral ceremony on Saturday, September 13th. Besides a claim that other countries' leaders are getting called at the time of writing, he also explained that a thousand more guests can attend a ceremony after buying a collectable NFT linked by the White House account. The price is set at $1000 each, and buying a hundred of them grants a participant an access to the luxury MEGA Lounge and the MEGA Afterparty.

'That would show them how WE, AMERICANS, grieve.'

The Onion contacted various leaders before the White House posted a list of guests, followed by a commentary wrotten in a style reminiscent of the President's own posts. While guests like Putin, Xi and Netanyahu received a mixture of praise and critique (none attended), european leaders like Macron, Starmer got called out for their lack of manners and didn't receive an invitation, and Zelensky got singled out being one president put after a line 'COMPLETELY NOT INVITED'. Of all of them, reporters saw only Milei, who participated both as a president and as a buyer of 521 NFT tickets, granting him access to additional leisure options during the event.

Later that day he also announced that there would be a separate sale of tickets to another event on Sunday, the 14th. Called MAGA Born American Again, it would officially celebrates the ceremony of granting new birth certificates to Trump, Vance and select paying guests. In his sporadic posting Trump pointed out that this product may be popular in some blue cities, while granting one for free to his friend and enterpreneur Elon Musk. 'The most AMERICAN man I've ever seen', he added.

Reporters on the ground saw a big golden cross sculpture prepared to be installed nearby. The top segment of the construction was made separable, as seen on photoes, so experts suppose the cross would turn into a big T somewhen through the event.

As of the time of writing, White House didn't respond to our querry about if legal and financial issues would follow a participant after 'rebirth', or if current visa holders would change their status after participating in it.

Source: I made it up

OREM, UT—As law enforcement officials search for a person of interest in the assassination of 31-year-old Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk, witnesses on the scene at Utah Valley University admitted Thursday they had assumed the shooter was just an ordinary gunman on campus. “When that first shot rang out, we all figured it was going to be a run-of-the-mill mass shooting” said UVU junior Michael Tompkins, who explained that when students spotted a man clad in black and carrying a rifle on a roof overlooking the crowd, they had no reason to suspect anything unusual. “It’s chilling that a person we thought was a normal, unhinged campus shooter was actually a political assassin. You see a deranged guy with a rifle on the quad every day. I suppose it was a little suspicious that he wasn’t shooting droves of students.” At press time, the FBI announced that the gunman had escaped by blending into the heavily armed crowd.

(Undisclosed Location) As conservative rhetoric grows louder following the Wednesday shooting and death of Turning Point’s Charlie Kirk, a voice calling for acceptance and understanding of his death in a historical perspective granted a rare interview on the matter. John Titor, a -428 year-old time travel from “basically the US,” sat down to answer questions and grant his unique perspective on the matter.

“First, let me thank you for coming the day before your minor car wreck,” he began. “I want to start by saying that I know you are going to ask about Hitler, and I cannot stress enough that, given a strong enough understanding of time, Emperor Kirk was a much more important issue to be dealt with.”

Titor stressed that Hitler is surprisingly the best outcome for World War 2, but Kirk was a terrible influence on the third world war. “Yeah, you don’t want to see Turning Point Events in the future, they use the name for… well, that’s not a problem now.”

When asked about the gunman, he said he preferred not to influence the current investigation. He would confirm that “a shooter” would be arrested and tried, but could not give more details beyond that. “I don’t think even we have the full story on that one,” he said. “But we do know more as time goes on.” When asked if he was optimistic about the future with current events, he said he was hopeful, but not to assume all troubling events will end with Kirk.

This past spring Canadians voted for Carney on a platform of resisting Trump, infrastructure investment, and bolstering domestic industry, though the PM insists that’s what will make his immediate rightward lurch “all the more hilarious.”

The attempted assassination of conservative activist Charlie Kirk is drawing condemnation across the board for the shooter's inability to hit a giant target.

The Hard Times isn't pulling any punches today.

((Washington DC) After a tense meeting with Monoco’s Minister of State Christophe Mirmand, the tension escalated when, in remarks to the media, trump declared 14% tariffs on the nation unless the Minister could guess the number he was thinking of.

“I told you, I said I was unhappy. I was unhappy. You don’t get to… unless you guess the number these are on, Christophe. They’re on,” the president said, in the newly paved rose garden area of the White House. “I am serious, just guess, you will never get it. Fourteen percent. Guess.”

After a moment of thought, the Minister, appointed by Monaco’s Prince as executive head of state, looked over at trump and said clearly in his microphone, “Fourteen.” A surprised trump confirmed the number was correct.

Economic forecasters welcome the new approach by the trump administration.

“The president issued a new tariff with a clear reason… that he was angry… gave conditions for the target country to end these tariffs, and when the conditions were met, by Minister Mirmand guessing the number, they were lifted. This is a very promising step forward by the administration.”

The outcome has been met by applause of other countries hit by US tariffs, with several requesting number guesses of their own, or perhaps a puzzle they could solve instead, or guessing which of his sons he loves the most. But some US government representatives feel this isn’t a good direction for policy to turn.

“Everyone knows who dad loves the most,” said one US government advisor who asked to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals. “These questions distract from the reason we placed these tariffs, because the economy.”

No additional guesses had been offered by the president by newstime.

Onion News Network Video JD Vance rushed to Walter Reed after inner hillbilly returns

(Houston, TX) NASA administrators are posting online, and international partners are asserting their rights, as China made public a 2.7 trillion dollar offer for the International Space Station, made directly to trump in his truthsocial feed on Friday. The offer reads: “With heartfelt blessings of President Putin, China offers $2.7 trillion USD for the remainder of the International Space Station. Payment directly to president trump for distribution as needed. Details to be discussed in private.”

The message, sent shortly after the closing ceremonies of the SCO summit this week, has sent shockwaves throughout the international community.

“First,” said one NASA administration who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisals, “the ISS does not belong to America, much less donald trump. The station was built by multiple nations who each have an ownership stake. But second, this administration has just promised to put a nuclear reactor on the moon in five years. How can you make these advances while selling critical infrastructure?”

But interest has been shown by the White House, with an announcement that, should the sale go through, every taxpaying American would receive a $50 “Science Refund,” to help stimulate the economy. That has some trump supporters excited.

“I ain’t never going to space,” said Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in eastern Kansas. “But $50 will buy me a space heater. That’s my president.”

EU President Ursula von der Layen says the matter is not open for discussion. “We are happy to work with the Chinese if they buy the Russian and American parts of the station. The EU portion is not for sale.” But pundits question whether the EU would have much say, with the difficulty getting to the station without the Russian or Americans.

Cosmonaut Nikolai Chub says he is concerned to return to earth, as his draft paperwork was resent to the station on Friday, with orders to be sent to Ukraine. The timing seems related to the deal.

The station, built by an international consortium over 13 years, is scheduled to be decommissioned in 2030, with no planned replacement. The Chinese space station, Tiandong, was completed in 2022.