Today I Fucked Up

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/NYC_Noguestlist on 2025-10-30 20:26:18+00:00.

So this is mildly embarrassing, but I have to live with it, so you all might as well get a laugh out of it. Earlier today, I was hanging out with a friend - we’ll call him Ryan, because that’s his name. We were supposed to meet up to run some errands, and I texted him, meet me at the store real quick, I need to grab some chap’s stick.

Now all my life, I genuinely thought it was two words, ike, a chap’s stick. A stick that belongs to a chap. It makes perfect sense in my head. Somewhere deep in my brain, that felt grammatically right. A chap (me) has dry lips. Therefore, I need my chap’s stick.

I’ve been saying it that way for years, even to other people, but no one ever corrected me, so in my head, that’s how it’s always been, and in my defense, if you’ve never texted it, never typed it into Google, and only ever said it out loud, your brain just kind of fills in the blanks with whatever makes sense.

Every time I reached into my pocket in winter, I pulled out my trusty chap’s stick. But with Ryan, I texted it out for the first time, and he immediately roasted me.

You mean Chapstick, right? One word?

Now, when I tell you the realization hit me like a freight train, I’m not exaggerating. I could literally feel my brain buffering, replaying the last 15 years of my life like, wait, has it always been one word?

When I actually met up with him, I tried to play it off, but there was no way to make it sound better. Like, what was I going to say? “Oh, yeah, haha, that’s what I meant, my finger slipped? No. It was joever.

So of course, I had to endure two solid hours of non-stop roasting from Ryan who followed me around the store doing this fake British accent, saying things like, “Oi, chap, might you spare a stick for my chapped lips?” and “Good heavens, where might a gentleman procure some of this chap’s stick you speak of?”

Then he started texting our group chat about it. Screenshots were sent. Memes were made. I’m Someone changed my contact name to That Chap’s Stick in their phone.

Ryan was still laughing when we got back to the car.

I tried to defend myself. I said, “Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s a stick for chaps!” But he just laughed harder.

Every time I look at that little tube now, I can practically hear Ryan’s voice saying, “Oi, chap, care for a dab of your stick?”

So, yeah. That’s the tale of how I was betrayed by my own brain. Every time I look at that little tube now, I can practically hear Ryan’s voice saying, “Oi, chap, care for a dab of your stick?”

TL;DR: Thought it was “chap’s stick.” It’s not.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/lanaverse_ on 2025-10-30 19:44:44+00:00.

Woke up one morning with two little puncture marks on my hand red, swollen, and spaced perfectly apart like fang holes. I froze. My brain immediately screamed snake bite. My heart started pounding, my hand felt numb, my vision got blur ( it wasn’t) and I was seconds away from driving myself to the ER. I even checked under the bed with a broom like some kind of half-awake action hero.

Then I noticed my metal hairpin lying open on the pillow — the same one I’d clipped in my hair before falling asleep. Apparently it had slipped out during the night, jabbed into my hand while I slept, and left two perfect “fang” indents. I still showed to a doctor , he also laughed on me Within an hour the marks faded, but the embarrassment is eternal ;)

TL;DR: Thought a snake bit me in my sleep — turns out I just stabbed myself with a two-sided hairpin during the night.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Acceptable-Past-6201 on 2025-10-30 03:17:38+00:00.

I (28F) work in a male dominated industry. I also have a baby face. I was dealing with a bitch of a customer to the point I turned to my lead and said. "Bob, she's really pissing me off." Bob finished the interaction and came back. "Yeah she was really entitled." I said, "No she's a fucking cunt." Now I curse all the time. Everyone knows I curse a lot. Even the ladies in the office know I curse a lot. But not Bob apparently. Its been almost a week and he still wont stop commenting about how surprised he was that I curse. He's litteraly asking everyone that we work with if they knew I curse. As if it was some big secret! He's also making annoying comments. "I thought you were a goody goody but I guess not" "Are you gonna be on your best behavior today" Idk man it's annoying and I hope it blows over by the time I get back from my vacation. TL;DR: I said "fucking cunt" infront of my lead and now he wont stop being annoying about it.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ManifestDestinysChld on 2025-10-29 19:50:13+00:00.

Inspired by u/birdandbear's delightful TIFU story.

Long, long ago at the turn of the 21st century, in the middle of my junior year of college, I decided I wanted to study abroad in Australia. Rather than do the smart thing that everybody else did and sign up for a package service run by a school in the US, I decided to raw-dog it and do all of the application and planning myself. The application part was fine; my school's registrar helped me package up my transcript and send it off to the University of Sydney, and they accepted me and all was well. The planning everything else part, though...did I mention I was a junior in college? This was not my strong suit.

That's how I ended up flying as far around the world as you can go before starting to come back again without knowing what I was going to do or even where I was going to sleep when I landed. I had read, you see, that the University of Sydney helpfully maintained and staffed a service somewhere between an information booth and a satellite office for arriving international students right there at the airport, with support for finding temporary and permanent accommodation, as well as connecting with the school's student offices.

Maintains and staffs that service during the week, that is. I arrived on a Saturday morning. No staff.

Whoops.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. The academic semester hadn't yet started, but I'd gotten myself squared away in a hostel for a couple of weeks, and then managed to talk my way into the one Residential College that still had bed space (Australian colleges don't have frats or other Greek organizations; Residential Colleges more or less fill that same role there. The one I signed up at enthusiastically embraced their campus nickname, "the shitheads." That's a whole series of other stories.)

Anyway, I'm living with the shitheads, bumming around killing a week or two before classes start and all the other students arrive. The laundry service at the college wasn't open, so I had to go to a local laundromat one sunny weekend afternoon. While my whites and colors were getting clean, I wandered into a library next door. It seemed like it was pretty busy, there were a lot of people up at the desk checking out books and such. I found something to read and plunked down in a chair at the end of a row of books.

A few minutes later, I realized it had gotten awfully quiet. But then again, it WAS a library, so I didn't think much of it.

A few minutes after that all the lights went out, and it was that moment when it dawned on me that they were closing up when I came in, nobody had noticed me, and the staff had locked up and left with me still inside.

...Whoops.

Resolving to resolve the first things first, I stood up decisively to re-shelve my book.

All of a sudden a LOT of lights came on! And sirens! Shit, the place was wired with motion detectors!

I figured that if they had motion detectors they also had cameras, and that therefore they had me dead to rights, and in such situations I know that the last thing you ever want to do is make a cop run, so I decided the best way out was through. I went out through the front door (had to hit the crash bar, natch) and just sat down on the edge of the lawn to wait for the cops to show up.

And wait.

...And wait. I could see into the laundromat; my occupied but idle laundry machines were drawing some choice expressions from locals with dirty clothes. The alarm at the library was still going off...but it was a sunny, pleasant late-summer day in downtown Glebe, Sydney, New South Wales, and plenty of locals were out and about enjoying the sunshine and fresh air, walking right past the library and paying it no attention whatsoever. So I saw no reason why I couldn't just...also do that. If the cops were really bothered about the alarm, they'd have showed up at some point within the last hour, I figured. So that's what I did, I just got up, flipped my laundry, and hid out in the laundromat until my clothes were dry. By the time I came out to walk back to the college...the alarm was still going off.

For all I know it might be going off to this very day. If you live in Sydney and there's a library with an alarm that's been going off for 25 years? ...My bad.

TL;DR: I was an idiotic, out-to-lunch college kid living alone for the first time on the other side of the world, ignorantly tripping motion alarms, escaping all consequences, and learning no lessons from it at all.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/throwaway92641893 on 2025-10-29 23:32:53+00:00.

My wife just got a promotion, so to celebrate I changed into some new lingerie and a slutty outfit before she got home from work--tight faux leather leggings, corset, and heels.

Just as things started heating up, I noticed that the shoulder straps on the corset could unhook in front, and undid one for some reason. I hadn't realized how much tension it was under, and immediately lost my grip. The metal clip immediately shot backwards and nailed my wife (who had been behind me) right above her eye and she crumpled to the floor in pain. Now she has a massive black eye and a migraine. Obviously, the festivities ended immediately at that point.

We're not sure what's going to be worse, telling people her wife gave her that black eye, or that she was injured in a lingerie accident.

TL;DR: I undid a lingerie strap and almost blinded my wife.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/palmtree2NYC on 2025-10-29 21:13:01+00:00.

Tldr: thanks to laziness on my part by not seeking out well regarded doctors and not trying anything new, I gave myself acid reflux by overusing Flonase for years.

Well, it wasn't today, but I wanted to share my story with others so in case someone googles in the future, they might find this.

I started having eustachian tube dysfunction around a decade ago, made my head and ears feel miserable. Allergist suggested it was due to allergic rhinitis/hay fever (runs in my family). I started taking antihistamines as suggested. The ears improved, but I started having what I thought was a post nasal drip, which made me constantly clear my throat as it felt like so much mucus. Really annoying for me and everyone around me.

Allergist had me hit the antihistamines harder for the post nasal drip. Went up to daily Zyrtec and Singulair, and Flonase 2x a day. Switched from Zyrtec to Xyzal at some point because felt like it wasn't working. Stopped following up with allergist because they had nothing else to offer but allergy shots.

Fst forward to two years ago, finally got a decent GP after years of just going to whoever was available. I told him about my throat and how the only things that would help was drinking something hot/applying heat to throat or lying on my stomach.

He suggested acid reflux (also in my family). That led me to consult a gastroenterologist (who diagnosed LPR/silent reflux/atypical reflux); try something called Gourmet Reflux, which further confirmed the diagnosis because it actually worked (highly recommended!!!! Tastes decent!); and consult an ENT who looked at my larynx, said it looked fine and it was possibly a case of the throat getting irritated and then me trying to clear my throat, which irritated it further and getting stuck in that cycle and sent me to a speech therapist, who tried to teach me how to break the cycle by swallowing in certain ways, but was the first to suggest that maybe a medication I was taking was causing the issue by drying me out too much.

Around this time also went for a eustachian tube balloon dilation, which failed, but I stopped taking the Singulair at some point to see if I still needed it. My ears were fine without it. I lowered my dose of Xyzal (still taking it) and ears remained fine. On the verge of an endoscopy, I cut out the Flonase.

It was the Flonase. Gastro confirmed it was possible that it was causing some kind of throat thrush. I've steadily improved since then to the point that I would not consider it an issue.

Of course, the downside is now that I am suffering through god awful fall allergies for a few weeks (after having no allergic reactions for a decade!) and Claritin+Xyzal wasn't doing the trick and I resorted to Flonase for the first time in months last night and today is the first day I have felt human in weeks, so who knows what happens next.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Evil_Cranberry on 2025-10-29 21:03:02+00:00.

I have issues with constipation due to medication and last night, I realized it had been a few days since I last had a proper bowel movement. The night before, I decided to take a laxative and see what happens. After the promised 12 hours passed and nothing, I went for the prunes. I don’t even like them but they’ve always done the trick. More hours gone by and nothing happened. It’s now late afternoon and I’m in pain. It hurt to breathe but I still couldn’t make it happen. I then remembered artificial sweeteners can have a laxative effect if you eat enough of it. Off I go to CVS and acquire a nice assortment of sugar free candy. I wasted no time chowing down. Not long after, I had a nice relieving poo, followed by a second one. I was so happy. Then, it all went wrong. I think everything kicked in at the same time. I couldn’t stop going. It was like I had prepped for a colonoscopy. The horrors persisted until I went to bed. I managed to sleep for about three hours before the final round. The whole ordeal ended with some amazing, earth shattering gas. My muscles are sore now as i type this but it’s over and hey, I lost a few pounds. Lesson learned.

TL;DR Tried multiple ways to relieve constipation and they all compounded resulting in a really bad time.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/birdandbear on 2025-10-29 18:57:18+00:00.

Okay, so this wasn't today. It was 1989, and I'd just turned thirteen.

I grew up one block over from my elementary school, playing in its recess park almost every day. It was a great place to play, with monkey bars in cubes, a half-globe, and the straight ones where I broke my arm in 3rd grade. There was a tall, butt-scorching metal slide you could fry eggs on in summer (we did), as well as a shorter one for little kids, where we could flip over the bar and slam our feet with a tremendous boom on the way down. Near the building, there were several small trees, easily scaled and perfect for reading in.

By the time I was thirteen, I'd outgrown everything but the swings, the trees, and occasionally, the top of the globe. My best friend, Liz, and I went there anytime she came over. We spent hours swinging side-by-side, talking about books and making up wild stories, giggling like loons about it all. Boys were still more on the cootie side of things, but we giggled about them, too. Liz and I had a bond that somehow reflected hilarity at each other. From the moment we met, we giggled. We spent every minute together on some kind of lunatic dopamine high, howling at the ridiculousness of the world.

Thirteen was the best year of my life. But I digress.

One summer afternoon, we were in the trees near the side of the building. My seven year-old brother Mikey had tagged along, carrying our kitten, Sprite. A couple of hours in, Liz climbed down to run to my house to pee. I stayed in my tree, reading and keeping an eye on Mike and the kitten. After a while, I realized Liz should have been back by now if she only needed to pee.

I jumped down and collected my wards to go check on her. As we strolled past the school's main doors, I glanced inside to see Liz grinning out at me like a manic Jack-o-lantern. Mikey and I were delighted, and I demanded through the glass to know how she'd gotten in there. She yelled that she'd found a door ajar near the trees where we'd been and to go back around. I thought that was silly when she could just open the door for us.

I should have listened to her. Opening the front door tripped a silent alarm.

We had no idea. I was excited at the prospect of seeing my old school again, and Mikey, who was just about to start second grade, was excited to see the big kid parts of the building. So we set out on an enthusiastic tour. I showed Liz the little kid halls, the cafeteria, the music room, the art room. We peered glumly through locked library doors, and I showed them the 5th grade classroom I was in when the Challenger exploded. We knew we shouldn't be in there, but we were respectful and didn't touch anything, not even the music room recorders Mike wanted to toot on.

Tour concluded, we headed back toward the front doors. As we approached them, we saw a swarm of cop cars outside. Pikachu face wouldn't come along for a while, but I think that about covers it. We panicked and ran for the door at the end of the little kid hall: cops. We ran to two other doors before realizing the entire building was surrounded, and we were cooked.

Abashed but not really frightened (shooting kids was unheard of then, at least in the privilege of our color), we slumped back to the front doors to give ourselves up. We opened them to find the entire drop-off zone full of cop cars, with officers couched behind every door, guns drawn on three kids and a bedraggled kitten like we were the Frightful Four.

That took us aback. They told us to show our hands, so we did, my baby brother raising Sprite in one clutched hand. Some officers came forward and hustled us off to the side, while the rest kept their guns on the doors. They asked repeatedly if there was anyone else in the building, and went inside for a sweep after we swore there wasn't.

The Superintendent showed up at some point, and we had to explain what we were doing and how we got in to him as well as the cops. Once it was established that the building was clear and we'd done no damage, we were thoroughly lectured by both. The Supe stressed how he could press charges but wouldn't. This time. The cops stressed that what we'd done was B&E, and a good way to get hurt.

And then we all got a ride home in Police cars, Liz to her house, Me, Mike, and Sprite to ours. Our escort whooped the siren for my brother. My parents were exasperated, but we didn't get in trouble. Liz got grounded for two weeks and had to write, "I will never get in trouble with the police again," 500 times for her mother.

It's kind of a depressing story now, given how different the police response would be today. But back then, the looks on those cops' faces when Mikey raised that kitten in one trembling fist were worth their weight in gold. 😁

TL;DR: Thirteen years old, with my best friend, baby brother, and a kitten. Found an open school door, tripped a silent alarm, and ended up with half the force surrounding the building.

Edit: speeling

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ThyDidWhatNow on 2025-10-29 15:48:11+00:00.

So one of my coworkers at the company where i work happens to be someone I knew in college. Although we weren't best friends, we were friendly enough that i would typically try to protect her. This is where i went wrong: For roughly two weeks, I had a brief relationship with one of our coworkers. I discovered he was married during that period when I unintentionally saw messages on his phone. I didn't want to be involved in that mess, so I ended things immediately. After a few months, my former university friend joined the company and began acting very flirtatious toward him. She was married too actually. I thought I'd be a good person and let her know in private. She even promised to keep away and thanked me for telling her. Fast forward once more. She moved in with him then divorced her husband. Now that they're together, I'm the villain in some way. Since then, they have been unfriendly toward me, and I recently learned that they have been spreading rumors about me at work.

TL;DR: I warned a coworker (who’s also an old friend) that the guy she was flirting with is married, based on what I found out after briefly dating him myself. She ignored me, left her husband, and moved in with him. Now they both hate me and spread rumors about me.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Jeffrey_Friedl on 2025-10-29 13:39:16+00:00.

Earlier this year I developed serious neck pain. Crunching noises as I turned my head side to side. Increasinly painful. Unbearable. The fourth doctor I saw prescribed one of those neck braces that car-accident victims wear. The future looked bleak.

Fifth doctor said that my head-forward posture was the problem. A lightbulb went off. I'm a self-employed programmer, and for the last decade I've done my work at home on a laptop while sitting in a very comfortable La-z-Boy recliner. This posture, as comfortable as it is (very), requires my head to lean foward, and a decade of that posture had caused my condition.

(I went directly from the doctor to an electronics shop to buy a monitor and stand, and within three months of normal working-at-a-desk posture, my issues was completely cured. So lucky to have found that fifth doctor.)

TL;DR: a decade's comfortable posture for computer work lead to life-changing pain (until a doctor set me straight).

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Bulky_Sound602 on 2025-10-29 13:34:27+00:00.

So a few friends and I signed up for this little clay workshop just for fun. I was feeling a bit extra that day and decided to wear my engagement ring mostly because I hadn’t seen these friends in a while and yeah I kinda wanted to show it off a little. At first everything seemed fine, we were laughing, chatting, shaping bowls or whatever and It didn’t even cross my mind how bad it could be until halfway through when I noticed clay packed into every tiny corner of my ring. I tried wiping it off with a towel then rinsed it under the sink, which somehow made it worse it went from sparkly to this dull gray mess in seconds. When I got home, I panicked and tried to clean it with a soft brush but the shine just wouldn’t come back. Took it to a jeweler the next day and he basically had to give it a full spa treatment. It came out looking brand new again but my wallet did not recover as fast. Guess I learned the hard way that showing off and sculpting don’t mix.

TL;DR: Wore my engagement ring to a clay class, ruined the shine, spent a ton fixing it.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/WitchesAreAwesome on 2025-10-28 21:34:20+00:00.

I (F24) am a high-school teacher who supports/manages a club in creative writing (I want to add: I live/work in Germany. English is not my first language, so don't worry if my English skills are not what you expect from an English-speaking teacher).

In my free time, I sometimes like to read Fanfictions on A03. Today I overheard two female student talk about what kind of stories they like to write in their free time and apparently one of my students writes fanfictions in a rather small fandom which I also love. When she started to talk about one of her stories in more detail, I unfortunaley recognized the story. Turns out, this underage student is one of my favorite A03-authors.

Honestly, that is soooo weird to realize. I've read all her stories FOR YEARS! These stories happen to be rather explicit at times... AND THEY ARE JUST SO GOOD! Some of them were personal comfort stories, that I read again and again. But now I can't read these stories anymore without feeling absolutely gross. Also, since this realization I feel awkward looking at her, which sucks because she was/is one of my favorite students and she has so much talent...

TL;DR The smut I have been reading/loving for years was written by one of my underage students and now I feel weird.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Nuckchooking on 2025-10-28 21:10:34+00:00.

Alright so obligatory this didn't actually happen today and I'm posting from mobile. No idea if every post still starts with that it's been a minute since I posted on Reddit.

This happened when I was a young man of about 19-20. The distant past of the early 2010s. An important thing about me back then (and still now) is that I didn't really ever consider the consequences of my actions. If something sounded like it would be funny, as a rule, I would generally just do it and hope for the best.

I was attending university in Canada and there was a campus event where comedy magician Wes Barker was performing at the campus pub. As part of his set he mentioned that he had never lost a game of gay chicken. Given that I was comfortable with my sexuality and had also never lost a game of gay chicken (had kissed several of my guy friends to that effect) I told Wes that I also had never lost a game of gay chicken.

Wes asked if I wanted to come on stage and play with him and I agreed thinking that we're probably gonna get our faces super close to each other and then maybe kiss and I'd go back to my seat but good lord how wrong I was.

When I got on stage Wes announced that we were going to each take off clothing one piece at a time until one of us chickened out. I honestly have no self confidence but had come to far at this point so I agreed and started taking off clothes.

We got to the point where we were both standing on stage in front of a hundred or so people in only our boxers when Wes pulls out his trump card and removes his boxers to reveal a second pair of boxers.

Given the choice between showing my whole dick and balls to a hundred or so university students that I would have to see again and conceding I felt I had no choice but to admit defeat. Pictures were taken and posted on Facebook and my mom saw them and gave me a stern lecture.

Wes went on to win Fool Us with Penn and Teller and still tours to this day. I went on to become a woman and an accountant.

TL;DR: got in a stripping contest with a magician and lost. Brought shame upon my house.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/DarkFlowerAV on 2025-10-28 21:07:00+00:00.

This isn't the update I wanted to give but unfortunately Godfrey has crossed the rainbow bridge. the vet pronounced Godfrey as too far gone to live with any quality of life, even with treatment. Turns out - by the vets estimate- he was 11 to 12 years old. Thank you everyone for their kind words and support, and thank you to everyone who donated. I will be refunding everyone's donations as I feel like I should be responsible for godfrey's end of life costs. Godfrey may not have been on my life long, but he made a lasting impact on me. Once again thank you to all who donated to help me out. According to GoFundMe your refunds should arrive between 3 to 5 business days. TLDR. I brought a cat home only to be met with the heartbreak of letting him go, even tho I had the help of many generous redditors

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Plastic_Client660 on 2025-10-28 17:43:47+00:00.

So I’ve got a grey tabby named Beans. She’s an outdoor cat who comes and goes as she pleases.

Last week I saw her outside meowing at my door, so I let her in, gave her food, and thought nothing of it. Except… she was eating more than usual, acting weirdly affectionate, and hissing at her favorite blanket.

A few days later, my neighbor comes knocking. He’s frantic. “Have you seen Luna? She’s been missing for days.” I said no and then it clicked. I looked over at “Beans,” who was sitting on the couch like she owned the place, and realized she had a tiny white spot on her paw that Beans doesn’t have.

I’d been harboring my neighbor’s cat for nearly a week. I’d even washed her with cat shampoo. Twice.

Returning her was humiliating. My neighbor laughed, thankfully, but now every time Beans walks in, I double-check her paws like I’m inspecting counterfeit money.

TL;DR: Accidentally kidnapped my neighbor’s cat for a week thinking she was mine.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Previous_Button_3258 on 2025-10-28 10:20:51+00:00.

so today i (18F) went to this little café w my friends after school and my CRUSH also showed up which my friends obviously planned and didn’t tell me.

i was trying sooo hard to act casual like not too excited, not too dead, just “chill girl aesthetic”. anyway i got up to order and didn’t notice the floor was slightly wet near the counter and i kinda SLIPPED but like that embarrassing half slip where u do a weird karate move to save yourself. made a loud noise kicking a chair.

crush literally looked at me and went “you good?” and my brain just short circuited and instead of just saying yes I said “yeah gravity has beef with me” in the most awkward voice ever 💀

and THEN to make it worse i grabbed my iced coffee and the lid wasn’t properly on so it spilled on the counter and SOME ON MY JEANS so it looked like I straight up peed myself

i swear i just sat back down and acted like i died.

TL;DR: saw crush → tried to act casual → slip → said dumb line → spill coffee on self → simply passed away internally.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/one-eye-deer on 2025-10-28 03:44:59+00:00.

This happened two days ago. And almost today, too.

I am in the midst of new parent life. You do not sleep and find it where you can. You do not have routines as you knew them. It is survival mode.

I thought I could meal prep yesterday. Egg salad snd hard boiled eggs for snacks sounded great. So I tapped into my egg stockpile to make some. I have a mix of cruelty filled store brand eggs and pasture raised, organic, small-farm eggs. Aka, the expensive ones.

I cooked 10 eggs two nights ago. I left them covered after they boiled to finish cooking. And I forgot about them in the pot, still full of water, until late last night. A full 24 hours later. Once I remembered them, I again forgot about them because I fell back asleep.

Tonight I cooked 10 more eggs. And again, I almost forgot about them, but I managed to catch myself this time. Right before I started to get ready for bed.

Tl;dr: only wasted 10 eggs instead of 20 and $15 of my money because I cannot stay awake when I cook eggs.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/hiirogen on 2025-10-28 03:05:56+00:00.

My wife loves mango and sliced mango isn’t something our store usually has. Over the weekend while grocery shopping we saw they had plenty of sliced mango in stock so we picked some up. I’m not a big fan of it, I prefer pineapple so I got that instead.

TIFU by eating it for breakfast. Pineapple is pretty acidic so I know to stop eating it if my mouth starts to burn. But that didn’t happen so I ate the entire 24oz bowl.

This evening I learned that pineapple can burn on the way out, too. I’ve had “ring of fire” from spicy foods before (especially Indian but I digress) but never from pineapple.

TL;DR: pineapple can hurt on the way out, much like spicy foods.

PS: apparently it’s not mango season either so the mango wasn’t even that good.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/santaj92208 on 2025-10-27 22:18:48+00:00.

Today I really messed up.

My fifteen-year-old has never been a top student. He’s smart but easily distracted, the kind of kid who does just enough to get by. Then suddenly his grades went way up. I thought maybe he’d finally started caring about school.

Then I got a call from the school director. They told me he’d been selling access to an AI program and teaching other students how to use it to write their papers. He was basically running a little side hustle built around cheating, and now he might get suspended or expelled.

His dad came with me to the meeting. On the way home he actually said he was proud of him for being entrepreneurial. Said, “He’s got initiative, he just used it the wrong way.”

As soon as his dad left the room, I lost it. I yelled at my son. I called him a failure. He didn’t yell back, just stared at the floor. That silence hit harder than anything.

Later that night he told me he only started doing it because he wanted to prove he could be good at something. I haven’t stopped thinking about that.

Edit: I feel even more guilty after seeing the comments :( My husband also showed me some articles about a young guy who became a millionaire with his AI startup, Cluely also doing the same kind of "help" for students so maybe I should push him in that direction.

TL;DR: Found out my son was selling access to an AI tool and teaching classmates how to cheat. His dad said he was proud. I lost it and called him a failure. Now I feel like the real failure.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/TheMariachiGangbang on 2025-10-27 20:58:51+00:00.

I work in a rural area and commute into the office in a city once a week on Mondays. Given that my girlfriend is gluten free, the options for good carbs for her are pretty limited in both quality and pricing out where we are, so I tend to use my lunch break at work to get the better and cheaper stuff at work.

Today was no different so I loaded up a big bag of bread and bagels for her and got down to my afternoon work. Well, I got to take off a little early because I finished things up so I decide to rush for the earlier bus, which meant packing in a hurry. As I’m doing this, I say to myself that I should definitely remember to take the groceries. Well, as I also have ADHD, that thought apparently exited my mind far too quickly.

Guess who now finds themselves on the way home having left all of the quickly spoilable goods in the office. I could forgive myself if it was just for me, but I’m devastated on behalf of my gf :(

At least I remembered in time to have a coworker take it home so it won’t go to waste but I will definitely be more vigilant in the future.

TL DR: memory of a goldfish, left important gluten free groceries for my girlfriend at the office.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Kfjkkfk on 2025-10-27 04:08:38+00:00.

So, I'm both a student and a project manager at my university, and the meeting was scheduled for Monday during a class trough zoom. Now the professor is texting me and saying that THE CLIENT IS COMING. IN FACE.

I'm currently sitting in class wearing combat boots, camouflage pants, a black T-shirt, a dog tag with a guitarist's autograph, and an orthopedic knee brace that looks like a kneepad and a tighrig. I don't even know what to change into, the meeting is in 20 minutes, and the dress code is formal business

The client comes in person, the professor is in trousers and shirt, the project manager looks like a call of duty operator. I have no idea what to do and why they didn't tell me yesterday that my plans were changing. I always look like this at university. Fuck it í guess

Give notice on Sunday evening that you're coming in person: ❌❌❌ Surprise with a 30-minute notice: ✔️✔️✔️

TL;DR: the client comes to a meeting in person, I'm the manager and I look like a character from CoD

UPDATE: the customer joked that I was a general

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Boringmom0409 on 2025-10-27 02:50:25+00:00.

I am 34 years old and have had excruciating acid reflux since I was about 8 years old. I have been taking prescription strength medication every day for 25 years to control it and still have had terrible symptoms that sometimes keep me up at night. I’ve even had an endoscopy under general anesthesia to try to discover the cause.

Recently I noticed that my symptoms tend to start after I take my evening allergy and asthma medication. Incidentally I have been taking these pills since I was about 8 years old.

I’ve always been able to easily dry swallow pills without water. I can take a whole handful of pills dry with no problem, so that’s how I’ve always taken my medication.

So I googled it and sure enough dry swallowing pills can lead to pills getting stuck in your esophagus and cause acid reflux.

I started taking water with my pills and sure enough my acid reflux symptoms disappeared immediately.

It’s been a few months now and I haven’t had a single episode of reflux when I used to have it several times a week.

TLDR I gave myself acid reflux nearly every day for 25 years by dry swallowing pills

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/camelsgottahump on 2025-10-27 02:00:38+00:00.

TIFU.... 30+ years ago. Nobody told me that those lips/vampire teeth are wax decorations and not candy! I would eat the wax lips and vampire teeth. Also those little wax bottles filled with sugar water that looked like little sodas. I hated it but would always feel guilty wasting any food. I would pick them out of my candy bag first and choke them down to get them out of the way. I was in my 30's and was talking with co-workers about candy we hated. Everyone was talking about candy corn. I was like, "What about those weird lip and teeth things? they were horrible!"

cue the "dafuq, you say?" looks from the crowd.

In the 90s everyone was worried about razor-blades and drugs in the candy and I'm over here gnawing on flavorless wax wondering why they even made these....

TL;DR The wax lips and vampire teeth are not meant to be eaten.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Discordisshit_ on 2025-10-27 01:25:39+00:00.

I’ll try keep it short but me (17F) and my boyfriend (18M) are in a medium distance relationship. I slept as his on Saturday and left today (Sunday evening). He lives an hour away so his mom drops me off in the middle of our towns and my mom picks me up and drives me back (if that makes sense lol).

About an hour before we left, he ordered us an Indian takeaway that just opened, I ate it all and loved it. About 10 minutes before we had to leave to drop me off I slightly needed to go loo, I said “it’s only gonna be an hour, I can hold myself until then” oh I was so wrong.

We left and the second I got in the car I was absolutely bursting, like wiggling and dancing around in the backseat making sure this poop doesn’t come out. And then the roads decided to close because of the rain, making the journey longer. About an hour goes by of me trying to clench my cheeks so I don’t crap my pants in front of my boyfriends mom, I finally make it to my moms car so she can carry on the journey.

I run out of the car and scream “mother, I am about to destroy my pants, can we stop at the nearest pub” my mom agreed and we stopped at the nearest pub. They didn’t allow anyone who wasn’t a customer to use the bathroom which I’m still pissed off about because what the fuck kinda rule is that? Anyways..

She drives to a different place which I can’t necessarily say the name of because I’d dox myself. But basically it’s a massive entertainment place filled with swimming pools, indoor snow activities, gym etc. mother dearest parks up but all the close parking spaces are taken, so I dash out the car whilst holding my cheeks and run into the place, I run to the indoor cafe and when I’m RIGHT outside the toilets. boom.. it just came out, right down my leg, all over my pants, all over my clothes.

I go into the toilet stall and it’s just absolutely everywhere, it was diahorea (god knows how to spell it) and it was just dripping all over the floor. And the cherry on top. Two kids walked in and started screaming “MOMMY IT SMELLS, MOMMY I THINK ITS FROM THAT CUBICLE” whilst gagging. I take off my destroyed turd underwear, wrap it up and wear my trousers without underwear on and shove it in my pocket, trying to clean the mess I had created all over this toilet stall.

I rang my mom and sat in the cubicle for 20 minutes ashamed to leave, my mom forced me to out because we had to get home. My mom didn’t even want to attempt to clean the disaster so all my clothes that day were thrown in the bin 🥲.

TLDR; Ate an Indian takeaway went on a car ride, got in traffic , eventually found a place and crapped myself right before entering the toilet stall.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Jisha_Tinkle on 2025-10-26 18:47:03+00:00.

This didn’t happen “today” but I did realize the mistake today. I’ve recently started taking Vilazodone for anxiety and depression. I was told to take 10mg to start and move up to 20mg later. I’m used to my medicine being precise and only ever look at how much to take, how often and under what circumstances. I’ve been taking a whole tablet every day for four days straight. My brain felt like how drinking a Diet Coke feels. There were incredibly awful symptoms I was experiencing like confusion, everything looked further away, cognitive abilities dropped, a lot of pressure in my head, etc.

Yesterday I felt incredibly irritable. I felt violent, and I felt wrong. I was genuinely afraid I was going to hurt someone because of the medication. This morning I woke up with intense intrusive thoughts. I’ve been crying so much. I had a mental breakdown and made a private video on Facebook for a few people I trust. I went over everything I was experiencing, and my best friend called me wanting to know what was going on. I explained everything and she told me to break the pill in half to take half the dose because coming off of it is going to be rough. I listen to her, and I’ve been feeling better today.

Hours later I think “I should really look at the pills”. I notice the mg’s of the tablets…it’s 20mg. I’ve been taking double the dose for four days straight. I’ve never had to look at what amount of medicine is there before, so it never occurred to me THAT was the problem. I could have wound up in the hospital for not reading the medication well enough. I very nearly could have gotten serotonin syndrome and died from this.

TL;DR I didn’t read my antidepressants well enough, and almost killed myself.