this post was submitted on 02 Apr 2025
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"Polite" implies that if you're agreeable and friendly women will understand that you're interested in them and not just being agreeable and friendly.
I think part of the problem is that what we're all really after is fucking, which isn't polite at all. Being polite about it just makes you look weak and ineffective at the thing that we all say we want but can't mention.
If any mention of sex by a man is considered inappropriate, how is a man supposed to negotiate sex?
This is a big reason why I'm engaged: We got the impolite part out of the way first.
The "sex is impolite" thing... I think that's a lot bigger than a lot of people give credit. I grew up in a non-denominational Christian house in the deep South. The only sex education I got was abstinence only, if you have sex with someone it's basically the same as having sex with every person that person has ever had sex with. Your penis will fall off, her vagina will fall off, and you'll have 37 babies.
Obviously, on an intellectual level, I've rejected all of that. Sex is fine and normal, having multiple partners throughout your life is normal. Your penis and her vagina will be fine, as long as you're careful. No kids if you're careful.
Despite this, for my entire life, sex has just been a thing that you don't talk about. You don't ask for. You're not a friend if you want sex, you're a pest. But also, you can't want sex from someone you've just met, then you're a creep and a pervert. You have to be their friend first, build a relationship and then you can want sex, but remember - you're not a friend if you want sex, so you're just living a lie to get sex. It's a vicious catch 22. One of the biggest driving factors in all animals - sex - and we've moralized it so that we both cannot seek it and must obtain it.
I've got a fair few female friends. Some of them I would not mind having a deeper relationship with. But there's always the struggle. Am I just being nice to get with her? Well, I can't do that - I'd feel like a horrible person. So let's just be friends and ignore the feelings for too long. Let's let her believe we're just friends, nothing more, until I can't ignore it, confess feelings, and - shocker - that's not a recipe for a relationship.
We're all products of our environment. I can recognize a lot of the factors that have led me to having the mentality that I do. Unfortunately, the environments for so many of us are just not good ones. It feels like every major force in our lives is pushing us towards isolation. The problem isn't men, isn't women, it's all just fucked. The whole thing needs an overhaul.
But that's all on YOU. I have more women friends that guy friends, and women talk about sex a lot. More so than guys in my experience.
Dude, you're an adult. Doesn't matter how you were raised, you are obviously smart enough to unprogram yourself from your upbringing.
A little empathy goes a long way, friend. Obviously I have personal responsibility. My post was not an attempt to eschew responsibility, but to tell my story.
A lot of people are in similar situations. I AM lucky enough to be smart and able to pull myself out of that kind of upbringing. Here's the kicker - a LOT of people aren't. Or are in even worse situations. Understanding where people are coming from and the unique challenges they've experienced, that shale who they are - that's the only way we're going to change anything societally.