this post was submitted on 01 Jun 2025
701 points (98.5% liked)
The Onion
6195 readers
189 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
- The Onion
- Clickhole
- McSweeney's
- Reductress
- The Chaser
- The Hard Times
- The Needling
- Tattletale Times
- The Beaverton
founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
I bought a house two years ago and I intend to rent it out while I'm living with my elderly parents until they move into a nursing home or pass away, at which point I will move into it. I met with a lawyer during the purchase process and he showed a copy of his standard rental contract, which included an annual auto-renewal of the lease at a mandatory 5% increase over the previous year's rental price. In my case, there would be absolutely no justification of any increase at all - I paid cash for the house, my insurance does not increase from year to year and neither do my property taxes, except after very infrequent reassessments - let alone a 5% increase. Even somebody who took out a mortgage to buy the house would have been paying a fixed monthly amount from year to year, so they would have had no justification for an increase in rent either.
Yes I know I'm a scumlord, but I'm charging $300 a month less than is typical in my neighborhood and I don't do that first-and-last-months rent bullshit. A security deposit is a reasonable ask, but why should a tenant have to pay the last month's rent up front? I've put a lot of work into renovating this house, and I just want a tenant who isn't going to fuck everything up before I move into it myself.
I was this way. I don't go crazy with rent, but I've been taking advantage of by EVERY SINGLE TENANT I've ever had. They couldn't pay one month? That's fine. I understand things are hard, just get back to me later the next month. They haven't paid after 3 months? Here's a rental assistance program, I'll help you apply to whatever you need. Okay. You haven't paid or tried to pay in 6 months now, nor have you returned by phone calls, I'm going to have to send you a notice of default and evict you. Okay. Now I'm a scumlord, I guess. And now they clogged all the pipes. Broken every dry wall panel and window, poured antifreeze into my well, and caused significant water damage throughout the house because I'm the bad guy. Cool.
Another tenant turned the house into a drug den. Another became addicted to opiates after a back injury and lost his job, and stopped paying rent because he needed it for more drugs.
Like. I get it, no one likes landlords, but my God. Everyone thinks they are entitled to treat your home however they want, and then are shocked when your upset that they don't uphold their end of the bargain or take care of the house.
Long story short, people on both sides suck.
Your story has reminded me of why I'm lollygagging so badly on renovating my house (it's been almost two years now and really should have just taken a few months). I don't really need the rental money and I'm terrified of having to deal with shitty tenants.