this post was submitted on 16 Nov 2025

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176

Please help me under stand my spouse's gift and their hurt (lemmy.zip)

submitted 3 days ago by GrayBackgroundMusic@lemmy.zip to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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For my birthday, my spouse got me a nicer newer expensive version of a thing I already have. The one I have is older and dented but works just fine. I use it weekly. I never complain about it. I've never asked for a newer one. The one I have was given to me by my mother in law, whom I adore. It's sentimental.

I don't like new things. When they got me a 3d printer, it was the cheapest one and it was a kit and I had to build myself. I loved it. It's perfect for me. I regularly buy things used or get things from Buy Nothing groups. I much prefer to repair old things in many ways. My car has over 100k miles. The one before did too. I don't like new things.

We got into a huge argument because I want to return it. They are so upset with me that they left the house to calm down. Why am I the bad person? Why are they mad at me? I have a very clear tendency for old broken used things. Why am I obligated to like this new thing?

We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I'm not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don't like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same. I do not like new things. Why am I the bad guy for wanting to return the newer version of the thing I already have?

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[–] Slayan@lemmy.ca 24 points 2 days ago (1 children)

It's time for new rules OP, and also a good talk with your S.O. nothing you did is wrong and nothing they did is wrong. It's more about being open and having discussions. They should know these kind of things, and the fact that they don't is both your fault.

No one is suffering here (imo) so that's a great success.

[–] GrayBackgroundMusic@lemmy.zip 1 points 2 days ago (2 children)

If no one did anything wrong, then why am I being punished for it? Sigh.

[–] LH0ezVT@sh.itjust.works 3 points 1 day ago

Because we are emotional beings, because nobody is perfect, and because angry people (presumably, both of you) say things they otherwise would not say.

[–] Slayan@lemmy.ca 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Are you being punished or are you feeling punished. This is a point you should talk about with your s.o

I've been dating the same girl for 16 yrs now and she finally understood how important the word "i am sorry" are to me. Is it her fault? Nah is it mine? I don't think so, because i'm pretty sure i stated it clearly multiple time. Is there really a need for someone to be at fault?

Your s.o anger might not be directed toward you, but more toward the situation, which your are part of.

[–] GrayBackgroundMusic@lemmy.zip 1 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

Being punished or feeling punished?

I'm getting the silent treatment.

I do also feel bad for making them upset. So maybe both.

[–] Slayan@lemmy.ca 2 points 16 hours ago

My S.O. : maybe they feel their good intention weren't aknowledged? So that's why they are hurting. It's important for you to respect your values, but maybe in the process they felt their emotions were discarded by wanting to return the gift.

Me: To be frank, i don't know :) i don't know because i'm not you and it's not my situation. I do know there are no easy statement which will make it all disapear. I also know love hurt sometime, but this suffering is the proof of your love. So take your time, and talk it out. I wish you the best op.

P.s. My s.o is autistic, and she has tendecies to shutdown when she's upset. Maybe a shutdown instead of the silent treatment, you know your s.o best, but i want you to know Silent treatment is a form of abuse.