I had about three novels ready to start editing and working on in my younger years, sweeping epics, and I had ideas about time and space and started taking college courses towards a physics degree.

All of that went on hold for so long that when the last big financial crash happened after the housing bubble popped, I've been treading water ever since, and sinking a few times, until I am now ragged, worn out and every day is just a mental exercise of if I am making enough money at a job that should be paying salary to afford to pay off debts so I can prepare to charge inevitable major medical expenses to my credit cards if I have to.

Writing? Learning and contributing to the world? Fuck no. I will be LUCKY at this point if I have a job when I hit 68 or whatever the retirement age is now, that doesn't require manual labor. I don't have any inspiration or drive to write fiction, I have lost most of my passion for actually learning physics and just catch the latest discoveries on youtube as I literally fall asleep.

The constant pressures of staying above water have turned me from an active participant in the world, to someone who will likely disappear without more than another couple people in the whole world knowing what was going on in my mind.