I hope this is okay to post here. My (F) relationship with my wife (F) is wonderful except for household issues. The thing I want to talk/vent about here is me trying to cook meals for the past two years while navigating our incompatible palates.
I gave up being a vegetarian when I moved in with her, because she doesn't like most vegetables or any mock meats, so chicken unlocked a rare protein that we agree on beyond just eating bean burritos every day. She doesn't eat as much beef as she used to, so I wasn't the only person who gave things up.
She would probably be happy eating scrambled eggs without any sides or fast food for dinner every day, and I need something more nutritionally balanced to feel nourished. So I'm the one who cooks every day.
We've tried compromising every which way, coming up with new meal plans, researching recipes for hours, and I feel like I've made hundreds of meals she's disliked. It feels like she only likes my cooking when it's unhealthy and lacks vegetables, which is great sometimes, but not every day. It's really gotten to me, and I've lost my love of cooking and my self-confidence in the kitchen. Most of all, I'm extremely stressed out about dinner every night.
We're at the point where we're talking about making our own meals, other than a few of my less-than-healthy comfort food recipes she likes. It's probably the most harmonious way to live, but the idea has me feeling really sad because cooking for others is a love language, and I learned to do this in the first place because I always dreamed of cooking for whoever I ended up marrying.
TL;DR My wife and I can't agree on meals we both like. I do all the cooking in the relationship, but now we're talking about making separate dinners. This is painful because cooking for others is a love language and I feel like I've failed.
Update: I really appreciate all the kind words and advice. I definitely don't plan to make it a habit to use this community as a space to vent, but you're all wonderful and I appreciate you. 😃
I have similar issues with my kids. They're all diagnosed asd and two of them have arfid.
Did you know it takes 20 times of trying something for your palate to know if you like it or not?
If she's had any trauma around food, she may be on a scale of food aversion, too. Arfid is essentially where you have a food trauma and then food sets off your fight or flight. That's when it's all the way to a disorder. There's a scale of, what people are usually labelled as picky eaters, all the way up to it. Some can be supertasters, where they can taste so many variances in foods that it becomes overwhelming. And then there's usually safe foods that are, reliably, always the same. Comfort foods. Berries, for instance can taste different, each berry and between ripeness, and therefore, for a supertasters, they set off alarms. And then there's textures.
I would suggest, with all my food knowledge, and just as an experiment together, go back to the drawing board, pick one selection of vegetables and use them and them alone BUT! cook them in as many different ways as you can, that result in different textures at the end product. Make sure they're complimentary and the spices you use are complimentary too. Then get her to rate the textures and taste combinations.
But also, don't stress so much about food and eating healthy, your body is actually a brilliant machine that can create almost any nutrients it needs, from other things, and that means if you aren't getting much variety in, you'll still be able to make all the nutrients you need. The only ones you can't make are some essential amino acids, that are in meat and eggs. Eggs are brilliant! She would be getting all she needs. And I feel like a lot of your stress is around your care for her and worry for losing her. Which is sweet, but I've gotta tell you, that worry is unfunded and could be the cause of the problem. Try letting go of all the worry around food, have fun again and get creative! Figure out what base flavours and textures you both like, and build from there, folding in more and new foods that compliment. Be patient, it is my wish that you have a very long time to enjoy this journey.