WomensStuff

I am not a woman but I do 99% of the cooking in my house so maybe can help here. The four in my family have different palates so I’ve learned to make modular dishes. I like spicy when no one else does so I do that on the side. One kid doesn’t like cheese so I’ll leave it off his portion. The wife and I were keto for a long time so I’d make a common sauce and serve noodles to put it on for the kids and veggies to put it on for us. I also found ways to make healthier versions of some things like home made taco seasoning and no sugar added spaghetti sauce.

I have also found a list of things we all like that I can keep stocked to prepare more often. I try to rotate each other’s favorites into the schedule periodically too. Every night every person has something they can eat, most of the time they can enjoy it, and occasionally they get their favorite.

Each of you should cook for yourself. Our family tried to fight it for years, but everyone is happier with their own food and own time to eat. From time to time, cook a food she likes or bring her McDonald's as a treat for both of you.

I have to cook two meals sometimes to make sure everyone is happy. I'm not that picky, but more picky than my husband, he's "given up" some stuff, because I do the cooking. For example, our taco nights never have sour cream, because I don't like it so I never think to buy it. Also, we never have fish, but sometimes I'll pick him up a fisherman's platter.

On the flip side. I am the same, food is my love language. I want my partner to enjoy the meals I make. I once dated a fella who ordered chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant, and while this wasn't the only reason I broke up with him, it helped me realize I need a partner who enjoys eating all kinds of foods, and isn't afraid to try new things.

I don't envy your position. Separate meals sounds like the logical compromise. You can still cook for them within their palate, and still get the meals you like too. Does your wife like spaghetti or pasta dishes? I know with having a picky kid, you can sneak all kinds of veggies into pasta sauce. I'm not wholly against sneaking in stuff they don't think they like into stuff they do like. Oh the power of an immersion blender. But that's your call to make. I wish you luck trying to find an solution

Are we the same? Because my wife is pretty much exactly like that too, and its particularly frustrating.

My wife's issues are far more an aversion to trying unfamiliar foods than actually disliking them. Its a slow process of getting her to try new things, in a comforting environment, and usually as a side dish. Its slow, but there has been some small progress.

I have a rotation of about 7 dinners that I cycle through. It was only 4 two years ago... so progress!

I love cooking. I love verity. I love vegetables. Its genuinely distressing being unable to share that with my wife. I try to cook the things she likes, while trying to find the small joys in the cooking where I can. I've gotten into sourdough. It helps when making pizza or burgers once again to at least be able to put my efforts and passion into the bread part.

I know what its like. I'm sorry.

ASD here - You're allowed to eat separate things.

My partner doesn't have to give up hot sauces or avocado or any of the things i personally loathe because that's not how this works. Likewise i don't give up their much disliked chicken.

This is all ok. You have different requirements. No one here is failing.

Do you like baking? Could english muffins or crumpets soothe the love language? I know they are different beasts, but there is some intersection. We also do Friday honemade pizza nights.

Brutal, best of luck navigating this. I have a more adventurous palate than my partner by just a little bit and I often end up making a more complicated sauce or topping on the side mostly for me, is that something that could work? E.g. do a base dish of chicken how you both like it and like potatoes or rice or something, then have some vegetables or something for you and scrambled eggs or french fries or whatever for your wife?

I have similar issues with my kids. They're all diagnosed asd and two of them have arfid.

Did you know it takes 20 times of trying something for your palate to know if you like it or not?

If she's had any trauma around food, she may be on a scale of food aversion, too. Arfid is essentially where you have a food trauma and then food sets off your fight or flight. That's when it's all the way to a disorder. There's a scale of, what people are usually labelled as picky eaters, all the way up to it. Some can be supertasters, where they can taste so many variances in foods that it becomes overwhelming. And then there's usually safe foods that are, reliably, always the same. Comfort foods. Berries, for instance can taste different, each berry and between ripeness, and therefore, for a supertasters, they set off alarms. And then there's textures.

I would suggest, with all my food knowledge, and just as an experiment together, go back to the drawing board, pick one selection of vegetables and use them and them alone BUT! cook them in as many different ways as you can, that result in different textures at the end product. Make sure they're complimentary and the spices you use are complimentary too. Then get her to rate the textures and taste combinations.

But also, don't stress so much about food and eating healthy, your body is actually a brilliant machine that can create almost any nutrients it needs, from other things, and that means if you aren't getting much variety in, you'll still be able to make all the nutrients you need. The only ones you can't make are some essential amino acids, that are in meat and eggs. Eggs are brilliant! She would be getting all she needs. And I feel like a lot of your stress is around your care for her and worry for losing her. Which is sweet, but I've gotta tell you, that worry is unfunded and could be the cause of the problem. Try letting go of all the worry around food, have fun again and get creative! Figure out what base flavours and textures you both like, and build from there, folding in more and new foods that compliment. Be patient, it is my wish that you have a very long time to enjoy this journey.

Oki first of all, it must be so difficult to put so much love and care into, not only finding recipes that work but also cooking them. Only for them to be disliked. Even if you love cooking it. I imagine it also sinks in some sense of fear(?) if the next meal would be good enough. That must be tiresome 💔 The fact that you’re making such an effort by itself is amazing ⭐ Aside from that, you also made a huge concession by switching from being vegetarian(!!)

I know it feels like you failed, but please allow me to share a different perspective

It sounds like she has different dietary habits. That’s okay. What’s not okay is if it affects your health. Vegetables, in my opinion, are just less tasty than anything else. But I also know it’s necessary for my body to function well. If you are not raised that way it might feel different or it might carry a connotation.

On the topic of love languages, you are cooking meals and researching recipes. That’s also showing love 💖

Oh and, my stepdad also hates vegetables. I believe he takes supplements to make up for the lack of nutrients. My mum often keeps the veggies apart so she can eat them and he can too if he wants. It is highly likely nothing personal to you or you cooking skills.

I hope you can find a way that puts less pressure on you 🩷

Seems I'm a bit late to the post, but it's so validating to see others with the same issue. My partner and I were in the same position and I tried literally everything. Don't let society or others judge what works best for you. We ended up doing separate meals that we prepare ourselves and that works great for us. It makes bulk shopping less practical, but I feel so much better now and it was just an unnecessary point of friction in our relationship. As far as the love language thing, I second the other commenter suggesting baked goods. Alternatively, once a week designated meal that you make that's her choice or maybe even just a breakfast on a day you both can do a leisurely breakfast together.