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The trick is to ask them if the spice is scaled for white people or not
“Is there a non-white people extra spicy?” I’ve had to convince waiters at many restaurants that I really mean it. Recent experience - I had the chef come out and double check with me at a new Indian restaurant and I confirmed extra spicy - and he was right, it was pretty tongue melting. Now I usually order spicy unless I’m really in the mood. Sometimes (sadly rare) they mean it!
My wife and I went to an Indian restaurant and the owners were letting their daughter take the orders. She was maybe 7 or 8 or so. I ask for something extra spicy and she asks Indian or American extra spicy. I say Indian.
She looks worried and walks off. Place was not very busy and dad is watching from the corner as she takes orders, so she goes over to him...
whispers
She comes back and asks "are you sure? Indian extra spicy is very spicy". I say yes, she walks back and there is more whispering, this time with Mom also there. Concerned looks from all three directed at our table. It was hard not to burst out in a laugh.
When the dish came it was some serious spice. Maybe the hottest thing I've ever had at a restaurant. And it was delicious. I think the owner asked what I thought when I was paying the bill. I was sweating a bit (rare for me) and probably dipping into the naan to cool things off when he asked. :)