this post was submitted on 20 Apr 2026
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I spent 20 years, on and off in a, violent in every way, relationship. He made every breakup a life threatening event, or at very least there was destruction and chaos.
The hard thing about leaving an abusive relationship, is they break down your sense of self, and supplant it with fight or flight survival mechanism motivation, manipulation, to serve their needs, etc, in place of serving your own.
What that looks like is a complete Disconnection from your own emotions and needs, and service to their needs, alone, by severe threat, being held over your head, it's insidious and built up slowly over long periods of time.
What that means is, you are manipulated by threats to serve their needs so often, that you feel like a catastrophic event is happening if you don't, and making the decision to leave, doesn't instantly turn off that multi year's long brain washing, which, by design, makes it almost impossible to leave, because inherently, you feel like the world is going to end, if you don't serve their ultra demanding needs, constantly.
Leaving feels like amputating your own arm, with a rusty knife.
But I was spiteful (a good quality, not a bad one, it means you can't be entirely separated from your sense of self, like any emotion, it's all about how you utilise it) and suicidal, so I would leave, in spite of that feeling that I was walking into a wall of flames.
What i wish I had known, was all about the honeymoon period. When he came back, all tearful and devoted and promising to change, I wish it had been common knowledge, that's a part of the manipulation, it's all a lie. I know that now. But my 20 yo self, could really have used that info. It might have helped me stop letting him back in the door. That and therapy, if therapy was available to me, back then.