WomensStuff
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I had a friend break up with me. We got really close pretty quickly (by my frigid standards for sure), and spent a ton of time together. We shared hobbies and did a load of work. Aside from one or two little quirks, the relationship was fantastic.
And then idk. It just got super fucking toxic. I'm sure I'm at fault somewhere in there, but for the majority it just felt like my friend was going off the deep end and there was nothing I was allowed to say during any conversation that wouldn't end up in paragraphs of a text later. I spent almost an entire year of wondering what I was doing wrong, of what I could do to help... just anything.
And then I was told Christmas eve that they couldn't handle it any more and they ghosted.
We ended up having a conversation a few months later but I was basically told I had no emotional value to them anymore. Talk about a punch to the gut.
So yeah. Fucking painful as hell. And I still don't understand what happened, and I assume I never will. My now partner has been friends with this ex friend since childhood, so I'm concerned about future get togethers. But what can you do
Friend breakups can be so painful! I'm sorry you went through that, especially her harsh words for you later.
I was a mess of a person during my divorce. After 15 years of being forced to stay closeted and having found myself waiting on an ungrateful man in the hopes of some love being returned, I was ravenous for love and attention and fun. And when you're a bisexual woman at the height of your sexual prowess, well, things can get messy.
I started dating a bisexual man and I helped him come out of the closet with a lot of love and acceptance. We had so much fun dating others together and exploring sexually. I also knew deep down that the relationship wasn't going to last a long time - too many issues like knowing he dated other women even though he never found them attractive just because he wanted sex, his lack of care for having safe sex, and his alcoholism to name a few.
My own issues of actively going through a divorce and being emotionally unavailable due to that would also doom the relationship.
It felt terrible to finally break it off with him. We're still in the same friend group and he's spiraled a bit since our breakup. It's always sore when a relationship fizzles out.
Currently figuring out how to "break up" with my former best friend.
I'm not going to give every detail here, but basically my former best friend (L) started dating a girl (G) that has been spreading false rumours about me and harassing me.
L has defended G's claims and berated me about the things I supposedly did, but keeps engaging with me in a friendly manner most of the time, which is very confusing to me.
I also never asked her to choose sides, but G did, and L chose G every single time she forced her to choose. She also showed G our private messages, told her things I thought were clearly supposed to stay private...
G has chased me out of the LGBT association of our school, sent me multiple aggressive messages on purpose when I was in a very bad place emotionally (which almost pushed me over the edge to kms).
I have managed to cut contact with G almost completely, but L is in my class and we still have some projects to complete together...
I will probably have to keep this "friend" around for 3 more weeks and do my best to overlook her behaviour, but once this is over I'm so fucking done with this nonsense...
If anyone has any advice please tell me. This whole situation has been messing me up for months and the only way I have found yo deal with it is isolating myself completely from G, which has also forced me to cut ties with many people who didn't take an active role in the harassment.
That sounds so hugely impact impactful to deal with, firstly, I'm sorry very sorry you're going through all that, and I just want to say absolute props to your strength and resilience! You have so much strength and resilience, to be continuing on, throughout all that, and how well you're handling it all, by minimising contact, from the harm, and no longer engaging with it. Hats off, you're doing amazing! It's hard, and it's such a horrible thing to feel like you're fighting alone. I hope you do have a few good friends you can pull close. I know it's hard for younger people to understand that type of manipulative behaviour, so some people who are good friends of yours, might not yet have the maturity to see what g's doing. They will eventually, if they're healthy themselves, if they don't, and while they don't it is better to keep yourself around healthier minded people, and people who do see it for what it is. The thing I have learned by living through a few of these events, here and there, is those people, who side with abusers, were never true friends, they were always toxic, you just didn't see it, and you are better off away from them. They might come to realise. But that's their journey, not yours. You have to make choices for your journey, in this world. You owe it to yourself to show the entity that you are, the best of what's available to you, on this brief trip in a meat suit, flying around a flaming ball, stuck to a rock, as we are. You're already doing that, you're already putting you and your needs first. When you get past this, sit down and look back at, and be proud of the strength and resilience you show, right now. Be so very proud. Moments like these are, sadly, the only times we get to see how truly strong we are. Appreciate it and be proud. And keep looking after yourself, you're doing everything right. I know it's hard right now. I promise it gets better. And there might be more rocks like this in the road further up, but you will know you're capable of managing it, you get to see that right now, how capable you are.
It is an absolutely huge thing to deal with suicidal feelings, I am so very sorry they're targeting you like that, it is absolutely fine to team in some help, that's not supposed to be a one person fight, fighting off those feelings. I've survived suicidal attempts, myself, and I can personally attest, that therapy and support makes that fight, just a tiny bit easier to get through. So if you're able to find a good service around you, it's ok to look after yourself in that way, and take a little of the load off.
Spending hugs and love, friend. Here if your need. Whenever.
I spent 20 years, on and off in a, violent in every way, relationship. He made every breakup a life threatening event, or at very least there was destruction and chaos.
The hard thing about leaving an abusive relationship, is they break down your sense of self, and supplant it with fight or flight survival mechanism motivation, manipulation, to serve their needs, etc, in place of serving your own.
What that looks like is a complete Disconnection from your own emotions and needs, and service to their needs, alone, by severe threat, being held over your head, it's insidious and built up slowly over long periods of time.
What that means is, you are manipulated by threats to serve their needs so often, that you feel like a catastrophic event is happening if you don't, and making the decision to leave, doesn't instantly turn off that multi year's long brain washing, which, by design, makes it almost impossible to leave, because inherently, you feel like the world is going to end, if you don't serve their ultra demanding needs, constantly.
Leaving feels like amputating your own arm, with a rusty knife.
But I was spiteful (a good quality, not a bad one, it means you can't be entirely separated from your sense of self, like any emotion, it's all about how you utilise it) and suicidal, so I would leave, in spite of that feeling that I was walking into a wall of flames.
What i wish I had known, was all about the honeymoon period. When he came back, all tearful and devoted and promising to change, I wish it had been common knowledge, that's a part of the manipulation, it's all a lie. I know that now. But my 20 yo self, could really have used that info. It might have helped me stop letting him back in the door. That and therapy, if therapy was available to me, back then.