this post was submitted on 04 Sep 2026
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ADHD
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Hi! I’m in my forties too, with unmedicated ADHD.
I’m not sure who I am if I relax. I’ve never done it. I’m just like this all the time—reserved and restrained all the time.
I really identify with the statement 'reserved and restrained'
Recalling moments in my life when strong expression of emotion were explicitly encouraged, and sometimes demanded for professional reasons--i generally was unable to do so or if I tried 'really hard' it would not come out in the way others might have been able to do so freely
Even laughing at jokes that I find funny is sometimes just not happening
But its not like a CO2 bottle building and building, though, its like empty pressure, like I dont have periodic violent outbursts or anything. However, at times, I was like CO2 bottle building pressure and it did come out with alcohol which have almost completely stopped consuming- but I also do not have the specific external stressor that was present at that time.
Same boat. Searching for something profound to write and I think I’ll just say what I’m actually doing is typing and deleting and I’m willing to bet I’m not alone.
That sounds about right. I don't even know where to start. I thought I was just making myself into another person because that's what Inwas supposed to do. It never occurred to me that I was masking and that it was a bad thing.
Not sure what else I could have done though. People have to pay bills and nobody wants to hire the freak.
That person holding the mask is protecting you, it is doing its job the only way it knows. Especially when masking is connected to a trauma it can be useful to address both aspects while working to find more sustainable ways of being. That's my experience at least - I've learned about neurodivergence and burnout as well as complex trauma simultaneously and it seems necessary for me to have "an explanation" that covers both aspects. I'm trying to be more understanding and compassionate to myself, find ways to process my issues and figure out what the real me needs. Often it feels desperate and at the moment I feel really lonely, drawing boundaries is really hard when you've lived your whole life putting other people's needs before your own. Unmasking drives people away, I'm not very good at communicating my boundaries or needs to other people and often that discussion is not encouraged either, leading to awkwardness and wrong interpretations. I carry a lot of shame with me from all the "failures" where I've failed to keep the mask up, usually I run away from situations at the last minute before that happens, but people tend take that as arrogance or avoidance. Unmasking, as well as processing trauma, tend to affect our relationships, I try to believe it when people say it's for the best. We don't necessarily want to keep those relationships or stay in situations that don't allow us to be who we are, but I've yet to figure out what fills the void that's left. Maybe that void finally allows me to have space for myself, time will tell.
I've found it important to spend time with other ND's and trauma survivors, peer support groups are great. I also find comfort in watching videos on Youtube where people explain their ND burnout experiences.
You are not alone and your struggle is real. Things can change and you can learn to let go of the mask, little by little. If you don't have access to professional support free resources can be really helpful as well. Healing takes time but it is time worth spending.
I didn't even think about a support group. That sounds like a good idea.
oh damn, are you guys all just me in alternate realities? Is this thread the rift linking all of us together? Also, 40s, also unmedicated, also aimless and depressive.
My mind keeps going back to my high school years—learning English and having friends I’d see every day, getting graded and held to standards in an environment I’d excel at.
Now my English is near-native, no one sets any guidelines for my work except my pay, I don’t talk to anyone from high school anymore, I’m a different gender, portions of my brain are dead, and I walk with a cane. I end up having to play obnoxiously complex solo board games at three in the morning just to get my brain tired enough to sleep.
I think I miss when I was younger and had the support of my peer group and teachers supervising, instead of the aimless isolation (relatively; my wife is great and she’s always there for me) of this world here.