this post was submitted on 01 Sep 2026
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Autistic safe person breakup (lemmy.world)
submitted 6 days ago by Capitanmaroon@lemmy.world to c/autism@lemmy.world
40 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Hey, I know that all relationships are different and I'm not looking for direct advice, but just curious as to how other people have experienced this.

My partner has audhd and has said many times that I am their safe person. They struggle making friends and don't have much of a family so (to me) a lot of pressure has fallen on me in that role.

I am looking to step away from the relationship but whenever I talk to my partner, she follows our conversations with a meltdown and says she doesn't have a safe person and doesn't feel safe any more.

Can anyone explain their experiences with this and things that may have been helpful or things that made it worse?

Thank you

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[–] modem_down@thebrainbin.org 1 points 21 hours ago

I proposed finding professional help, and a safe person to help ops partner. Not throwing them in the deep end.

You proposed a "clean cut", which is the deep end as far as OP's partner is concerned.

Throwing a scared non-swimmer into the deep end is cruel, dangerous, impatient and unnecessary - even if there is a lifeguard (mental health professional) nearby. Lifeguards should definitely be employed, but they are fallible: they may be busy rescuing others, or asleep, or off the clock.

Building skills in the shallow end first, where self-rescue is manageable, is far safer than relying solely on a lifeguard.

You were doing the best you could at that time.

Not only at that time - at any time. There is no better approach than to be compassionate and patient, instead of heartless and impatient - as long as one does not lose sight of the goal or let oneself be trapped.

I did not lose sight of the goal or let myself be trapped.

Likewise, I advised OP, above, how to set boundaries and establish a clear but compassionate path out of the relationship.

You can't change the past, but we can learn and grow, when we notice mistakes.

What I did was not a mistake. Neither is what I proposed to OP.

ops partner won't be able to rewire their brain without a clean cut

That is almost certainly a false statement. You have no evidence for it. Neural plasticity is far greater than you seem to think, even on the spectrum.

You are proposing op stay and help ops partner, regardless of how they're feeling or coping.

Hardly! I'm saying OP should think of the future - not only the present - and should recognise that a little extra effort and inconvenience in the short term will yield much greater peace of mind in the long term.

Because you did it.

I'm not proposing it because I did it.

I'm proposing it because it is the humane, mature, responsible course.