Asklemmy

You may want to familiarize yourself with the philosophy of Stoicism. It sounds very similar to what you describe. I’d recommend starting with a “sampler” like “The Daily Stoic,” by Ryan Holiday. Epictetus and Marcus Auralius are two of the biggest names in terms of “fathers” of this philosophy.

Don’t go by whatever impression Hollywood or society may have left you with about the word “stoic.” It doesn’t mean “without emotion.”

You sound well adjusted.

I do one to probe one point, though… Coukd your motives for living this way be pride? A feeling that you being able to live up to your own (self-described as “high”) moral standards is something that makes you better than others?

The reason I ask: it’s not a bad thing to feel a sense of pride for having control over yourself, but it can be a weakness to obtaining true happiness because it also depends on the performance of other people. (If someone else exhibits more self-mastery than you, would that make you feel less happy about your own performance?)

If pride isn’t a factor, it sounds like you’re in a good spot.

I think it's pretty normal to hold yourself to a standard you don't impose on others, and I do think it's somewhat problematic, like perfectionism is. If you get mad at yourself for messing up and not being inhumanly perfect then yeah that's not good. You are a person too, and should give yourself consideration.

If you just mean you try to think before you act and consider how your words and actions affect others, I would hope everyone does that!

You didn't mention it, but have you considered how it would feel if you had a bad day and didn't live up to this standard?

You're framing it like a moral philosophy, but feeling anger is not a morally bad thing. Neither is jealousy, or selfishness, at times. It's just part of the human experience, and we can avoid it most of the time, but occasionally we're going to need to focus on ourselves and our needs and our feelings.

Similarly, it's impossible to avoid having an ego 100% of the time. Honestly, it sounds like this quality is part of your identity-- would you like yourself less if you lived up to this standard imperfectly?

I don't think it's unusual to want to be a good person and to want to control our worst impulses. But to describe it as "trying to act like a saint", and saying you're "deaf to your own needs"-- those are concerning statements.

I don't think anyone can speak for you or guess what's going on from the outside. But if I were you, I'd be exploring if there's fear underlying these impulses. Fear of judgment: how do you think the world would perceive you if you stopped being so strict about it? Fear of badness: how does it feel when you have a bad day and you fail to be perfect? Do you resent yourself? Fear of impurity: do you feel like other people are bad when they have these natural reactions? Do you fear being like other people who are experiencing and dealing with normal feelings?

Moralities aside, some find it liberating to stop caring what is & isn’t considered “weird.” Conformity definitely has its advantages, but at least consider the possibility that, for you, it may not be worth the costs. Take it from Al, or DEVO themselves for that matter.

As for morality, I’m not really a fan of it in its conventional senses. Philosophy prof. Hans-Georg Moeller, author of The Moral Fool: A Case for Amorality.

• The Problem with Sam Harris' "Morality"
• If Morality Exists Everything Is Permitted. (Q&A)
• Hans-Georg Moeller - The Moral Fool: A Case for Amorality [interview]

I don't think I understand what you're talking about. Perhaps some examples would help.

I do think some people hold themselves to too low of a standard, though. There's a song I like that has the line "I don't want you to romanticize falling the fuck apart ". I think some people are just like "well, I ghosted my friend and didn't do my tasks at work and didn't feed my cat but life is hard am I right? No other way I could be. Time to go drink alone and watch TV"

In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with being a bit angry or jealous sometimes.

You shouldn't throw your rage at the people around you or let your actions be driven by anger alone. But there are a lot of things one can very justly be angry about. I would even argue that some things one should feel angry about. Like when someone is mistreated.

Denying yourself negative emotions is not entirely healthy in my opinion, it's more about the way you act on them (or don't act on them).

Perfection is exhausting. I struggle with it. My brain tells me that if I'm not the perfect friend or know the right things no one will like me. It has consumed my life so far and has lead me to make very bad and disastrous choices.

More than that though, it's boring. I am so tired of spending my life trying to figure out what the right action is. I would much rather have fun with friends or rewarding sex or find an interesting personal project to work on.