this post was submitted on 26 Oct 2025

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Nice Guy Syndrome (lemmy.world)

submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by venkman_lemmy@lemmy.world to c/autism@lemmy.world

19 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Do people confuse autistic people as nice guys? Are some people uncomfortable with you because they think you are a pushover? A pushover may appear weak, but their hidden strength, quiet intensity, or restrained anger can make others uneasy.

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[–] sCrUM_MASTER@sh.itjust.works 24 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I'm not sure if your post is about you, but I think it is so I'm going to reply as such, but if it's not I apologise.

There's no single way to define anyone, autistic or not, but if you're exhibiting fawning behaviors and shy away from confrontation it can be perceived as lacking conviction, confidence, a firm sense of self. This isn't exclusive to autistic people.

When I think of a "Nice Guy" I think of someone that is performatively nice to women, not for the sake of being nice, but to achieve a more underhanded goal (i.e. sleeping with them). One way this can happen is by fawning over them and love bombing. The niceness comes with conditions and so it's not authentic.

All that aside, I think you have a warped idea of what a "Nice Guy" is. People don't go so far as to think about "hidden strength, quiet intensity, or restrained anger", it's probably more surface level. If they feel uneasy it's more likely because they can't read your mood or emotions, and are concerned about you suddenly going into a rage with no warning signs.

[–] bluemoon@piefed.social 2 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

fawning behaviors... reminds me of the Mumin character Ninni. great children's cartoon that fit for adults too. if only others would've picked up how Mumintrollen help Nanni from being invisible!

/i am recommending all who read to watch or read Mumin for it's immense self-help potential

[–] brucethemoose@lemmy.world 17 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

I wasn't really aware of my spot on the spectrum for years, and I was certainly perceived as soft/painfully shy/'the nice guy'.

I dunno what you mean by "afraid of you" though. My unawareness wrecked my social life, but it wasn't because folks were afraid to approach, if that's what you mean.

[–] venkman_lemmy@lemmy.world 2 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I mean it's like how some people are scared of nice guys.

[–] brucethemoose@lemmy.world 14 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

some people are scared of nice guys.

I still don't quite understand.

First a caveat: I've never really had a long-term romantic relationship, if that's what you're hinting at.

...But I did have friends, some very close, and my experience is that people are attracted to 'nice guys.'

In hindsight, the issue was my painful shyness, insecurity, awkwardness, and other things (and a lack of self awareness) that led to me being afraid of maintaining/nurturing relationships. Perhaps I was perceived as a pushover or quietly intense or something, but I wouldn't say that made folks uncomfortable. Quite the opposite.

[–] YiddishMcSquidish@lemmy.today 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

I think they are mixing together two tangentially related stereotypes. Like the stereotype of the guy who calls themselves a "nice guy" but lose their shit and regress into typical incel behavior when their romantic advances are unrequited, like calling them all sorts of terrible names.

While also the similar stereotype of the quiet kid being the one most likely to do heinous acts of violence.

[–] venkman_lemmy@lemmy.world 0 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

sure

[–] JASN_DE@feddit.org 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Are some people afraid of you because they think you are a pushover?

Sorry, what? That makes no sense at all.

[–] venkman_lemmy@lemmy.world 4 points 3 weeks ago

Let's say uncomfortable

[–] Perspectivist@feddit.uk 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Why would anyone be afraid/uncomfortable around someone whose a pushover? If anything, it just makes people not respect a person like that which is the exact opposite and the reason why being a "nice-guy" is a bad long term strategy.

[–] venkman_lemmy@lemmy.world 2 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

Because they can be unpredictable. They cannot be trustworthy. They can be broken easily. People feel insecure around those people whom they cannot trust.

[–] Perspectivist@feddit.uk 8 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

They're not unpredictable though. I can count on them being a pushover who never stands up for themselves.

[–] venkman_lemmy@lemmy.world 2 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

At some point, they may break down emotionally. You play games with them, and so do others who do not like you. That may make them unreliable.

[–] brucethemoose@lemmy.world 5 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

I think I get what you're getting at.

Being 'hard to read' and awkward can make people uncomfortable, especially if they've witnessed an outburst, retreat, or some seemingly inscrutable reaction. As an example. I catch myself putting people off with a 'neutral frown' in conventionally inappropriate situations, sometimes. I have a tendency to get over-excited and start talking over others or interrupting, a weird contrast to a shy/introverted demeanor.

I also have an issue where I perceive myself as unreliable/untrustworthy, and a tendency not to reciprocate when something personal is shared. That might be interpreted as deliberate when simply I missed the cue (or get distracted by it).

...What I'm getting at is you might be mixing up some self-esteem issues with what people actually perceive interacting with you. You might be mixing up being 'untrustworthy' with simpler misunderstandings. I'm speaking from personal experience, here.

[–] venkman_lemmy@lemmy.world 3 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

You might be mixing up being ‘untrustworthy’ with simpler misunderstandings.

Something along those lines. If you have difficulty communicating your boundaries, you may appear "nice", especially if you are a shy person.

[–] brucethemoose@lemmy.world 2 points 3 weeks ago

Yeah.

I guess I am treated as 'unreliable' over my weird behavior, like I'm being babied. Sometimes dismissed or ignored.

I am wording all this really poorly. Hell, I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

[–] nightmare786@leminal.space 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

seems to be the opposite for me...

[–] YiddishMcSquidish@lemmy.today 1 points 3 weeks ago

Seriously, I go head first into any disagreement. I'm gigantic so I can get away with it, but I definitely got jumped more than once as a kid because of it. And it pains me to say, but they were not all completely undeserved.

[–] Lexam@lemmy.world 3 points 3 weeks ago