The Onion

WASHINGTON—Having thus far caved on eliminating the filibuster, advancing an adequate climate change agenda, and protecting voting rights, congressional Democrats told reporters Wednesday they were sick and tired of being blamed for cowardice on issues that, in reality, they just didn’t care about.

“I’ve had it with being labeled spineless simply because, at the end of the day, I really don’t give a shit whether we tax the rich to help poor families or hungry children or whatever,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), stressing that his complete lack of interest in passing tough regulations for the financial services industry, supporting a Green New Deal, and ending the War on Terror hardly meant he was weak-willed or timid.

“That’s so unfair. If these were issues Democrats truly cared about, then we’d fight the Republicans tooth and nail on them. We’d even have the guts to risk the lucrative relationships we’ve formed with powerful corporations, defense contractors, and billionaire donors.

But for something like an eviction moratorium, Medicare for all, or a fracking ban? No fucking way.” Reached for comment, the hundreds of handsomely paid former Congress members now working as lobbyists and sitting on corporate boards were happy to acknowledge their utter cowardice.