Ask Lemmy

Remember, gifting is a shared experience, meant to be appreciated by the giftee as well as the gifter. It's obvious that your partner put thought into the gift, and that should be appreciated. Giving thoughtful gifts is not an easy task. Just because you have a new item does not diminish the value of the old sentimental one. But demanding the new one be returned could easily sow resentment in your relationship that will be revisited every gifting season.

You're going to a lot of effort to not actually mention what this thing is, which makes me wonder what it is and I suspect knowing that would provide additional and useful context.

It's not about the item whatever it is, it's about your reaction to it. This was something your spouse got you to show you that they love you; they bought something they thought you would want and need because they see you using this item all the time. It doesn't matter that they know you like using old things - for them the thing they got you is an expression of their love for you, and your reaction (lets return it, I don't want it) is like rejecting their love and is insulting.

I don't know how you said it to your spouse but the way you've described it here your reaction sounds like it was entirely factual and emotionless. It may not be what you're saying but how you said it that is the issue. Did you acknowledge how kind and thoughtful the gift was? Did you acknowledge what it means to get a nice gift from your spouse before saying that actually it's not something you'd use?

Instead of seeing it as a tit-for-tat exchange and the same as you gifting t-shirts, you need to understand that this was a personal gift from your spouse. You also need to acknowledge you're difficult to get gifts for because you like old things. You're not the bad guy for wanting to return the item, you're likely the bad guy for how you've gone about it and hurting your spouses feelings in the process. It may be that you're not an emotional person or have difficulty reading other people including your spouse - that's fine but you may need to acknowledge that you've hurt their feelings even if you didn't realise or mean to, and apologise - that may help a lot. It would also be helpful to tell them how your mother-in-laws gift has sentimental value and you didn't want to replace it. It may still be that you end up returning the item - but it's far less important that your relationship with your spouse.

My wife got me a bartesian for Christmas last year. It makes the worst fucking drinks I've ever had in my life. It takes up space in my kitchen. The drink pods are like $3 each. It takes cleaning and maintenance. I hate everything about it.

I acted happy about it. Privately seethed and ranted. I literally would rather have gotten nothing than wasted money on that. And then I tried several drinks from it before "deciding" I had fun mixing my own drinks, but I still use it for guests and for her drinks that she likes.

I think it's god awful but I realized it made her happy and that is something I treasure. I don't know if there's anything in there for you to take away, but I can relate. Sometimes we just put on a happy face and let our loved ones enjoy giving us something.

This sounds like me... Father gave me a gift that I don't need, I get irritated and said something that I shouldn't say. Spouse pointed that out to me, said it was their thought that mattered. I feel sorry and guilty ever since...

I never used that thing, but I kept it very safe.

Nobody is a bad person here and both of your feelings are valid.

As others pointed out, your partner likely put significant effort into the gift and is hurt that the effort was in vain. Compounding that is the fact that you didn't seem to acknowledge their effort or treat their hurt as valid.

Your hurt is valid. You got given something you don't want and now you feel pressured to accept it to appease your partner. It's in certain ways worse than getting nothing.

The situation sucks and you'll both be hurt regardless of how you resolve it.

It's probably going to be very important for you two to work out gifts or gift giving occasions. What do you like to do, for yourself or with your partner. Maybe the answer to that question can be part of the solution.

For the time being you have a few options. You can keep the gift like the others have said, maybe as a backup. Or you can return it. I suggest that if you return it you spend the money on something you both enjoy, maybe a nice date to sooth the hurt.

Let your partner know that you appreciate the effort that went into this gift. Let them know that you know you're a hard person to buy for, especially because you're not very consumerist which means that the things typically for sale won't appeal to you. Let them know that it's important for you that you're both able to express love towards each other and that you want to make sure that the next time your partner expends significant effort for you that they're able to create a situation which is rewarding for the both of you.

Then sort out what you're going to do with this gift. Maybe explain your feelings about using the old device and how the new one can't do that for you.

Then make a plan to work out the line term goal of how you'll give each other gifts/experiences in the future. And actually do it. It might be a lot of work, but it will probably create a lot of joy in your relationship in the long run where there might have been even more pain.

A) You are acting like an ungrateful tool.

B) Perhaps she should have held off.

Be measured in your response next time, but at least have a conservation about what you want.

They bought you thing they were sure you would like and tought they were thoughtful. Maybe they expected other kind of reaction and depending how you declined it, it very well may feel like you threw their nice thing against their face.

To most people, especially the spouces it may not be about the present, but the idea behind it. Like i dont generally think my wife knits very good socks. If i would go shopping socks my self i would never pay anything for that quality product. But i know my wife thinks i need to keep my feets warm and she is thinking me when she makes them. Saying her socks are bad would not be review of the product, but attack against her.

I would say just swallow your pride and use the newer nicer thing and thank them for thinking about you, but say in the future you want to get similiar things yourself.

I’m the same way with things, but I do think you handled this poorly. When people do things like this for me, also knowing I’d prefer to keep what I have or fix it if it’s malfunctioning/broken, my response is usually something along the lines of: “Thank you! This will come in handy when I can no longer use the one I have now. I’ll keep this safe until then!”

As someone else pointed out, they probably had a very good reason for getting that for you. When my lady bought me a new cell phone and I said basically what I wrote above, her response was that while she understands my current phone works, it doesn’t always work well, and she’d like to have longer, more meaningful conversations with me while I’m out of town. I asked her what she meant, since I saw no problem with it. She said my current phone didn’t keep a charge very long and the microphone wasn’t great. I learned that she called me less often than she’d like to because she felt like having me repeat myself and having to stop my work to charge the phone while having our talks was a bother to me, so she figured this would fix both of those problems. I swapped the service to the new phone immediately. She was elated, I was happy she was happy, and honestly I have a great phone that lasted two days on a charge for over a year. I also rarely have to repeat myself now, and didn’t realize that I was, in fact, bothered having to repeat myself until I didn’t have to.

Win-win, but you’ll never know if you shut it down.

Down vote me if ya want but I very much feel OP. I always will take an older model or refurnished over some new, overly priced gizmo. I understand that the new thing is maybe an improvement but the capitalist churn of new devices every other week makes me sick. "What's wrong with older devices?", is my shtick. A computer from 2011 will run fine without a copious amount of bloat publishers push. I had a very thoughtful mother in law who fixed my screen on my computer instead of buying me a new laptop. My ex husband on the other hand always wanted the trendiest item Instagram was selling and would request his mom get it for him, we were poor (who would've guess two kids in their 20s were working on our finances). I'm still actively playing my original Xbox One from 16ish years ago, and my console still loads faster than my friends' newer consoles.

Some families teach their kids that your ability to pick a gift directly equates to your value as a person.

Clearly her failure in this instance is more important to her than to you.

Whatever you do, try to help her feel valued.

They want to improve your life by giving you something which is not broken and assumedly works better than whatever you’re using now. You are rejecting that because of your insistence that things must be old. They know you will never get it for yourself, and maybe they think you’re just being cheap. It probably hurts them seeing you use what to them looks like a piece of crap. It’s really hard to say without knowing what the actual items involved are In just speculating.

A super old sex doll may be harboring microbes that could get your partner sick. Take the hint and accept the new one with some grace and class. Your mother-in-law is probably ok with it.

Gifts don't have to be something you like, want, or need. It's about the thought, care, and love that goes into them. Whether you like new things or old things, it doesn't matter. Gifts have subtext. Your SO probably will equate your love for the gift with your love for them. Use them both. Love them both. Love the people who gave you both.

Honestly, most people suck at giving gifts. Most people struggle to put themselves in someone else's shoes

Your SO probably put real thought into the gift, and paid attention to you to come up with a good idea. And most people think new is better (although I'm with you). They think it's sour grapes or something when you tell them how you enjoy the fact something has been with you for all this time, and how you've carefully repaired it over the years

So all in all, that's a halfway well thought out gift. More effort than most people put into them, anyways. They were probably really excited and proud of themselves

I don't know what to do with that information... Personally I'd probably accept the gift and leave it in the closet as a backup. I'm not sure if that's better or not, but it would spread the experience out