Ask Lemmy

I see a lot of "just accept the gift" here, but that's a rough choice. If you accept the gift, then you would be expected to use it over the one that you like. Your wife may even go so far as to throw the other one away (depending on what it is). So I don't think accepting the gift was ever an option.

It really is a hard spot to be put in, and I would have probably done the same thing in your position, even though I hate denying gifts. The whole premise of gifting is flawed, imo, at least where I'm from. To me, the one being gifted is put more on the spot than the one gifting. I hate getting gifts for this reason.

So maybe this. Explain why you like the one you use better, but that you're very happy with the gift. Ask her if it's okay if you keep that gift as a backup if your first one breaks and store it by the first one "just in case". Its never bad to have two of something.

This item sounds like it might be for a hobby.

An inviolate rule for gifts is you NEVER give a gift for someone's hobby, unless they have specifically mentioned it. Then you buy EXACTLY what they tell you.

Case in point... I'm a former skydiver. It's a sport full of extremely counterintuitive aspects. One of my brothers was in the army and did airborne training under round parachutes. He gifted me a set of paratrooper boots to use while skydiving...

It was a nice thought, but most of the time I'm running out a landing, not doing a PLF (Parachute Landing Fall). The boots were extremely tight around the ankles for support on landing under a round parachute. They were less than useless for jumping a ram air chute. They were in my closet for almost 20 years, before I decided it was time to make some space. Zero jumps and probably less than a few hours of wear, because they were just not comfortable, since they were designed to save your ankles landing under a T-10.

Yes, I informed my brother emphatically that I could not use that type of boot in sport skydiving, but typical of my family someone else knew better of what I was doing than I did.

You make it clear that you don’t like new things. You really need to recognize that this makes it difficult for your loved ones to buy you gifts. I’m old enough that I generally don’t want anything for Christmas or my birthday. I have enough stuff. What I want is time to spend with the people I love. That doesn’t mean I refuse gifts or complain about them, because a gift means that someone saw something that made them think of you; and they bought it for you to celebrate your relationship. So even if it’s a bad gift, it’s coming from a good place.

This is one of those situations where nobody wins. They tried to do something nice, you didn't like it, and both people ended up unhappy. Neither was being unreasonable.

Buying someone a gift of a new thing isn't unreasonable. Even if you tend to like older/used things it's still not an unreasonable concept to buy someone an upgrade.

Not liking a gift because the old one is fine is also not unreasonable. Especially if you have established this as a preference before.

The best option here is for the partner to realize that the goal of the gift is to make the other person happy, and if that didn't work, figure out the path forward that does make them happy. (in this case returning the gift, and finding something else)

Gifts are am emotional thing. There are lots of estimations of what the other person likes or wants and lots of expectations from the giving side. The whiplash from hoping for the best, to finding you've actually caused displeasure with your gift can be hard to handle.

Both sides need to be wise, in control of their emotions and those of the other party when gifts are exchanged. Be as gentle as you can when explaining why it's not something you want, express the things you're grateful for (the intention, their effort, etc.), and even more gentle with their upset feelings at your refusal.

“My car has over 100k” had me dying.

I'm very suprised by a lot of these comments. it's very common advice that a gift giver should gift something that the reciever wants, not the giver. Not gifting someone they already know isn't common advice but it's already common sense. Common sense isn't always as common as the name suggests, though, and we all have blind spots. The other commenters may be right in that your wife's reaction might be a sign that your tone was harsher than you intended or thought, but that doesn't change the fact that you were hurt as well. if this was an aquiantance i might agree that you should have just accepted the gift graciously even if you were just gonna return it, but your partner should someone you can be honest with and someone who will appreciate that honesty

like most relationship problems, i think the best way to move forward is to talk it out. i'd apologize for the way you reacted whether or not you actually blew your lid as an olive branch. explain again calmly where you're coming from with this and emphasize gratitude that your wife was observant enough to get you a gift they thought you would use while also explaining- again, calmy- why your wife came to the wrong conclusion. try and zero in on the heart of the problem- was it specifically that you wanted to return it that was the issue? then you might be able to compromise that you keep it until your current one is broken beyond repair, for example. never ever ever say "i'm sorry you feel that way," that never goes well, but do show genuine concern and remorse for the way that they feel. after your wife blows off some steam, if you both approach this calmly and in good faith i'm sure you'll be able to find a compromise. that might look like your t-shirt rule, "no gifting things i already own," or deciding to always gift "experiences" instead like another commenter said, or maybe just no gifts moving forward if it really is always going to be a point of contention

good luck to you and i hope everything works out well for the both of you

Gonna leave this here, it's worth a read:

Asker vs Guesser culture

I think from a factual basis your position sounds perfectly reasonable, I feel similarly about new things. (Perhaps there are other parts of the story missing though?)

There's a lot to be said for delivery. If you opened a gift an reacted badly immediately, that would hurt. Even if the gift was misjudged, it was probably meant with good intent. Accepting thankfully, acknowledging the intention, and THEN coming around to the "but you really should have checked in first for something like this" might be a good way to start.

This story is specifically non-gendered but people keep assuming that OP is male and partner is female.

OP exhibiting some autistic traits here.

she wants that thing that you use all the time to be from her, while she watches you use the new one and to give it the age that shows all the wear and tear that you will put into it

she probably respects that you respect and cherish the old one and maybe she doesn't want you to go without if it fails which all things will do in time

maybe you should put the old one in place that lets you see it as a trophy or momento while you use the new one and enjoy the gift your love has gifted to you

I have a pretty firm "just don't get me any presents" rule. It's taken some time to gain compliance with this rule. Similar to the shirt rule, I assume you gave some of those presents before being asked not to? Try the exact same approach that was used on you. Then you might have to reiterate it every once in a while.

Well my advice would be to not pick a fight over a mildly annoying gift, but you seem to have your compass set to your priorities. So good luck, hope you work it out.

"You shouldn't have, I appreciate that you noticed how much I use the old one, this is awesome."

That's the response that you should have used. I get where you're coming from with the shirt comparison, but it's not the same. YOU like nerd shirts, not everyone does. She gave you a better version of something you use on a regular basis.