Bat

thank you, i feel amazing right now for some reason, like this morning is the best i've felt in like 2 years or so

holy shit i just had the worst time being high in my entire life

i’m still relatively new to weed and i haven’t had it in almost two weeks. for a bit there i was eating like 2 edibles daily but i had built my tolerance up to that. well last night i ate two despite the time gap since last having weed

as a kid i felt a lot of existential dread and fear about life, especially when discovering something new about the world that is horrifying, like when i realized god’s not real, it scared the shit out of me for weeks. i felt that exact feeling last night, a complete overwhelming sense of dread or this world

i was alternating between laughing and crying and had no idea how to react or process what i was thinking, it was absolutely terrifying

and it just went on and on and on and on, like i would think it would have been hours and i’d check the clock and it’s only been 5 mins, that is by far the slowest i’ve ever experienced time

by the end of it i was uncontrollably shaking, when i tired to sleep it off it felt like trying to sleep with the flu or something, like i was having fever dream feelings

before this i couldn’t imagine what being uncomfortably high would feel like but holy shit it was bad, far far worse than being too drunk

anyway getting high as shit right after starting two new mental health medications was probably not my smartest idea in hindsight, but holy shit i’m just glad to be on the other side of this that was actually terrifying, the most i’ve been filled with fear in a really long time

avoiding caffeine is easy enough, it already gives me headaches

also i’m not taking cough syrup so i’m good there

alcohol will be the tough part. i drink a lot so quitting that will suck hard, idk if i can cold turkey but i’ll give it a go

i’m taking my meds for depression and anxiety. i highly suspect that i’m autistic but haven’t been diagnosed, idk about adhd though

things feel straight when they are gay and gay when they are straight and it all sucks shit and feels like garbage

you weren't kidding, i was also warned about that from my doctor but i didn't realize how quickly that'd take effect, been trying to take a nap and i just couldn't

dang, i live in a desert and exclusively wear bulky clothing so i'll really have to make sure to stay cool, thank you for the heads up

i could have written this, i really feel you

this body really does feel like a prison

pride month always makes me feel so bad, i've got no reason to be proud of what i am

disregard my last post iwnbaw

actually feeling good for once today and thinking that i might just make it

i stopped taking my hrt for a couple days but i'm back on it and getting back on really boosted my mood

also also i'm going to start trying to avoid /tttt/ and associated subreddits and discords, i was just festering in my self-hatred and being in an environment where other people egg that on is so addictive but also destructive. i do hate myself but i've got to learn not to if i ever want to be happy and i'll never learn how by staying there. i've got really bad self-destructive impulses (hence why i stopped hrt) and i've really got to work on that

finally i'm going to try and push myself to actually do more for my transition in the next week or two. beyond hrt i haven't really done anything else which is probably why i still don't pass at all, i've just been hoping it'll do all the work but it seems like that isn't going to happen for me. i've mostly been too afraid of trying anything more feminine out of the fear that it'll make me look/feel even worse and more masculine, so i still haven't really ever done makeup or voice training or learning fashion etc. so i'm going to actually give makeup a go here really soon