Scranulum

The patient is a 78 year old orange female who presents with multiple complaints. Chief complaint: immigration. Secondary complaints include Joe Biden, transgender people and the Clintons.

General: Patient is awake, but not woke. Patient is oriented to place and time but neither person nor event. Patient believes he is male despite recent executive orders and believes that Joe Biden is still the president of the United States.

Head: The head is normocephalic and atraumatic without tenderness, visible or palpable masses, depressions, or scarring. Hair is of normal texture and evenly combed across the scalp to conceal male pattern baldness.

Eyes: Visual acuity is 20/20 without corrective lenses. Conjunctivae are clear without exudates or hemorrhage. Sclera is non-icteric. EOM are intact, PERRLA. Fundi appear normal including optic discs and vessels. No signs of nystagmus. Eyelids are normal in appearance without swelling or lesions. No soul is visible behind eyes.

Ears: The external ear and ear canal are non-tender and without swelling. The canal is clear without discharge. The tympanic membrane is normal in appearance with normal landmarks and cone of light. Hearing is intact with good acuity to whispered voice, particularly if you pretend to be his daughter and whisper dirty things. Patient will not allow physical examination of right ear.

Nose: Nasal mucosa is dry and irritated, consistent with signs of cocaine and inhalant abuse. The nasal septum is midline. Nares are patent bilaterally.

Throat: Oral mucosa is pink and moist with good dentition. Approximately one half of a McDonald's quarter pounder is lodged between incisors. Tongue normal in appearance without lesions and with good symmetrical movement. No buccal nodules or lesions are noted. The pharynx is normal in appearance without tonsillar swelling or exudates. There is an unusual amount of semen present in posterior oropharynx. Lab analysis confirms foreign DNA belongs to various Russian state officials.

Neck: The neck is supple without adenopathy. Trachea is midline. Thyroid gland is normal without masses. Carotid pulse 2+ bilaterally without bruit. No JVD. The gobbler is intact.

Cardiac: The external chest is normal in appearance without lifts, heaves, or thrills. PMI is not visible and cannot be palpated due to presence of excess truncal adipose tissue. Heart rate and rhythm are normal. No murmurs, gallops, or rubs are auscultated. S1 and S2 are heard and are of normal intensity despite millions of prayers.

Respiratory: The chest wall is symmetric and without deformity. No signs of trauma. Chest wall is non-tender. No signs of respiratory distress. Lung sounds are clear in all lobes bilaterally without rales, ronchi, or wheezes. Resonance is normal upon percussion of all lung fields. Unfortunately.

Abdominal: Abdomen is soft, symmetric, squishy, and non-tender without distention. There are no visible lesions or scars. The aorta is midline without bruit or visible pulsation. Umbilicus is midline without herniation. Bowel sounds are present and normoactive in all four quadrants and in patient's mouth. No masses, hepatomegaly, or splenomegaly are noted. Excessive abdominal fat.

Genital/Rectal: Rectal tone diminished, likely due to presence of foreign body in rectum as reported by patient. Seminal fluids are present in rectal canal. No external masses or lesions. Stool is normal in appearance and taste per patient's own reporting. guac negative.

External genitalia is normal in appearance without lesions, swelling, masses or tenderness. Vagina is pink and moist without lesions or discharge. Cervix is non-tender without lesions or erosions. Uterus is anteflexed, non-tender and normal in size. Ovaries are non-tender without palpable masses or enlargement.

Spine: not present upon evaluation.

Extremities: Upper and lower extremities are atraumatic in appearance without tenderness or degormity. +3 pitting edema bilaterally at ankles. Full range of motion is noted to all joints. Muscle strength is 5/5 bilaterally. Tendon function is normal. Capillary refill is less than 3 seconds in all extremities. Pulses palpable. Unsteady gait noted. Likely fall risk. Recommend use of ambulatory aids.

Neurological: Patient has trouble forming coherent thought. Motor function is normal with muscle strength 5/5 bilaterally to upper and lower extremities. Sensation is intact bilaterally. Reflexes 2+ bilaterally. Cranial nerves are intact. Cerebellar function is intact. Memory is normal and thought process is intact albeit stupid.

Psychiatric: Bizarre and unusual affect. Poor judgement and insight. Patient hallucinates Haitian ghosts and claims they will cook his pets. Patient meets SABU criteria (suicidal, homicidal and genocidal ideation concurrently).

All findings unremarkable and at patient's recorded baseline. Patient discharged to oval office in care of Peter Thiel.

Oh god this was good, it nearly got me. Flawlessly executed. The wanton capitalization is just. Perfect.

It is a message to the GOP that democrats are willing to filibuster. I believe that's the long and short of it.

I can see why you would view it as grandstanding, though. I'm suspicious myself. Didn't one of Bookers staffers just get arrested for carrying a gun around the Capitol while Booker escorted him past security? I'm pretty sure he got arrested right before Booker's speech too.

Also here after a reddit ban. Mine was also politically motivated.

I watched admins remove a comment that was not violent, no profanity, nothing like that. The offense: the commenter described what "black-bagging" was, in reference to the immigrants being abducted around the country. Someone asked what "black-bagging" meant, he replied with one sentence just explaining the meaning of the term, comment nuked within five minutes.

I then told this story in another comment in another thread. Didn't say shit about Musk or Trump. Just told the story of how reddit admins wouldn't let this guy explain what black-bagging meant.

Permanent ban within one hour for "ban evasion." Never been banned prior. It was my first and last reddit ban.

Fuck spez, fuck reddit, fuck the rest of em all.

You are a black man.

Then how will you listen for the testicular gallop

I heard that he was a convicted pedophile and the recipient of the world's first rat penis transplant.

Oh, what an absolute toad.

I agree 100 percent. But it's Goldberg. Stopped clocks and all that. I'm glad he at least nutted up and actually published, but it was an absolute golden opportunity he pissed away.

Never been a huge fan of the guy. But now you've got me wondering, I don't actually remember: did the administration find out about it by him running the article? Did he ever identify himself to them in the chat?

It would have been top tier if Goldberg had actually done something like this. Wait until everyone's quieted down from their American exceptionalist emojipasta and just said something like "...clean on OPSEC, huh, Pete?"