Shitty Superpowers

Only regular pencils not mechanical ones

It is in the same place as your itch

It has to be physical skin to skin contact. Everytime you touch them, it is the equivalent of one beer, unless you focus extra physical energy into holding them, the it’s about the same as 2 shots of vodka

They will feel all the normal effects of being drunk when touched

Making someone drunk takes about the same amount of energy as a jumping jack

You don't dream normally anymore. Instead, you take a look into an alternate reality where you ended up with something you wanted right now, in such way that would make you feel sad.

For example, if you had recently lost a loved one, you could dream about them still being alive, or maybe you had just gotten rejected by the person you liked, and you would see what would've happened had they chose to be with you.

The sadness would make you somewhat close to tears, but not exactly. It's sadness in a way that you can still hold back crying. If you are simply content and don't really have anything to be sad about, or have an extreme tolerance to sadness, the ability can literally just conjure entire stories to make you sad.

Lastly, if you truly could not, in any way, feel sadnessz then this power just doesn't work.

They all spare you and pat you on the head

You can get various details about what they are like, but they are wrong. For instance, if you read a white lady who listens to Taylor Swift's mind, you'll find that she likes a lot of obscure Death Metal Bands without a trace of Taylor. Also, you can get food orders wrong because you can read the mind of a Jewish vegan and make her pork chops.

You choose the amount of ejected matter, but not its speed, and where in your brain it's coming from. The healing and re-generation of your brain afterwards is not any faster than it would be if this magically happened to you without your superpower, so if you want to know what to expect, ask a neurologist, not me.

Imagine when you have a cold 😭

The burgers can have any COMMON AND EDIBLE ingredient USUALLY found in burgers. You don’t have to see the place to spawn it, but it must have enough space for 5x its volume to spawn. Shape is fully customizable.

The catch is that it might be miles away while one such object could be right near you.

For example: you want to locate a 100 dollar bill. There might be one somewhere in your vicinity but this power doesn't tell you its location, rather the location of a 100 dollar bill that is 50 miles in a given direction.

You won't know if it is in a bank, at someone's house or just laying in the bushes until you look.