The Onion

“CRACK the right egg and get 1% off for every year since nothing of note happened in Tiananmen Square on that fateful day,” confirmed the welcome screen on consumers’ Temu apps today, as the Chinese discount online marketplace of stuff that you’ll end up throwing away sought to mark the anniversary.

MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—In a move likely to stir controversy, Mexico has officially renamed the Liberty Bell “the TACO Bell,” the Mexican president announced on Monday.

Effective immediately, the landmark will be referred to as the TACO Bell in all Mexican atlases, encyclopedias, and history textbooks, President Claudia Sheinbaum said.

In her announcement, she gave Donald J. Trump “full credit” for the name change.

“Thanks to Donald Trump, when one thinks of America, one no longer thinks of liberty,” she said. “One thinks of TACO.”

2023 but aged well

(Washington DC) As Pride Month begins in the US, republican complaints about the festivities, events, and recognition of diversity are rapidly growing, both inside the trump White House and around the country. In a step to draw attention away from the festivities, the trump White House is organizing a “Shame Month,” meant to highlight their view that recognizing diversity hurts the US image as a melting pot of different cultures. To start things off, the president and his HHS Secretary are planning to lick a bat during a press conference on June 1st.

Event organizers say the bat, a Chinese Black Bearded Tomb Bat, is meant to symbolize both the republican belief that alternative sexual life styles lead to beastiality, and that covid isn’t real. “Covid isn’t real, or it may cause autism,” said one of the more recent HHS hires, an event organizer. “We’re not sure which one of these is true. But when the president and the secretary lick this bat, Americans will know the truth, finally, at last.”

Not all Americans feel this is the best use of the president’s time. Leo Sturbgetter, an unemployed cow detangler in eastern Nebraska, feels this event may actually hurt the president’s reputation as an effective communicator. “I can get what he’s going for,” he said. “But those China bats can be full of Covid, and if he gets sick, it might hurt his chances of looking strong, which is what matters to me. I think he should just watch RFK lick the bat, and maybe film it or something.”

Reporters, however, are excited to cover the event. “This almost makes all this stupidity worth it,” said one reporter who asked not to be named for fear of losing his press pass. “I kind of feel we should ask what animals he [the president] would refuse to lick, to see if we can make this a regular thing. Do you think they’d lick a squirrel? Where do you think RFK would lick… you know what, I will withdraw that question.”

The June First event is one of many scheduled for Shame Month, including a massive military parade to celebrate government spending. A full schedule of events is expected to be released on the first of the month, when the press department has more tokens to generate content.

The Department of HHS declined to comment who would lick the bat first.

Fries is just as confident about the eye-watering price Musk wants for a trip to Mars. “I’m slapping down my hundred grand as soon as that fortune a Nigerian prince left me arrives. The future is so bright, I need sunglasses.”

(Mar A Lago, FL) In a brief press conference Tuesday, the US president confirmed that the $175 billion appropriated for the Golden Dome system over the next 3 years is actually budgeted for a “golden do me,” which he explained as, “well a blond girl, and she’s very nice, very lovely… well she has a serious task ahead of her, and she works for her money, folks… there are no hand outs. I mean she has her hand out, but there are no hand outs, I can tell you this.”

Blond press secretary Karoline Leavitt was unable to comment due to prior commitments in the trump white house.