The Onion

Cross-posted from "Clips from the Victory Day Parade in Moscow." by @LaFinlandia@sopuli.xyz in !ukraine@sopuli.xyz

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THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

In a time honoured tradition, an American president has thrown another country’s election.

This time by installing Anthony Albanese as Australia’s Prime Minister, by making everyone too scared to vote for Peter Dutton.

The expert strategy for the US was focused around them fucking up their own economy and freaking out Aussies into voting for anyone who doesn’t remind them of Trump.

The liberation of Australia went so well that not only did the threat to civilisation’s party lose, he also lost his seat.

(Washington DC) Per a statement from the White House Press Office:

On Tuesday, a reporter from the New York Times asked, “does anyone know what time it is,” to which Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt replied, “it’s two thirty-six.” What she meant to say was, “it is time for the american voter to be given the truth, and not the outrageous lies of the mainstream media about the president.” The press office regrets the error.

(Vatican City) As the funeral for recently-deceased Pope Francis concluded this Friday, conversation that some considered “unwelcome” could be heard among those gathered to see off the pontiff. Raising his voice from a near whisper, donald trump could be heard telling Estonian President Alar Karis, “I’m just saying Jared would be a good pope, you should vote for him.” The disruption did not delay the end of the ceremony, but sources confirm that the us president is widely lobbying for his son-in-law to become pope, in contrast to Vatican law.

The president clarified later that day: “I don’t elect the pope. I don’t elect the… I could though. I could… the pope is a very powerful man, he’s dead though, but the pope could be a powerful man, and Jared is a very good man, that’s all I’m saying.” Vatican sources confirm that trump’s people have enquired how Kushner would get on the ballot.

Kushner, who is son-in-law of the president, is an Orthodox Jew, and has never been part of the Catholic church hierarchy. And while Vatican law requires the next leader of the church to be chosen by the church leadership, trump’s team notes that isn’t always the case. “The president is being attacked by the malicious politicians of the global elite and the corrupt priests of the church,” said Press Secretary Karoline Levitt. “One pope I know was chosen out of a crowd because a bird landing on him, so we say Jared is that man, and donald trump is that bird.”

But some pushback can be heard on this issue, even close to the trump team. One trump son, who asked not to be named, said, “This is bullshit. Eric and I work really hard and we never get chosen to be pope. I can’t believe he chose Jerad when I’m right here, dad. I’m right here.”

Trump’s clear lack of understanding of how a pope is elected, what a pope does, and even what religion the pope represents are considered a hindrance by Vatican watchers, but some say trump should never be counted out, once his tiny mind fixates on something. “He can’t have the pope,” said one. “But we also said America would never be dumb enough to elect him once… but here we are.”