Transfem
A community for transfeminine people and experiences.
This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.
Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.
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This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.
Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.
Some helpful links:
- The Gender Dysphoria Bible // In depth explanation of the different types of gender dysphoria.
- Trans Voice Help // A community here on blahaj.zone for voice training.
- LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory // A directory of LGBTQ+ accepting Healthcare providers.
- Trans Resistance Network // A US-based mutual aid organization to help trans people facing state violence and legal discrimination.
- TLDEF's Trans Health Project // Advice about insurance claims for gender affirming healthcare and procedures.
- TransLifeLine's ID change Library // A comprehensive guide to changing your name on any US legal document.
Support Hotlines:
- The Trevor Project // Web chat, phone call, and text message LGBTQ+ support hotline.
- TransLifeLine // A US/Canada LGBTQ+ phone support hotline service. The US line has Spanish support.
- LGBT Youthline.ca // A Canadian LGBT hotline support service with phone call and web chat support. (4pm - 9:30pm EST)
- 988lifeline // A US only Crisis hotline with phone call, text and web chat support. Dedicated staff for LGBTQIA+ youth 24/7 on phone service, 3pm to 2am EST for text and web chat.
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I'm sometimes still a little dysphoric about my dick too, especially because I can't wear some of the cutest clothes I want without having the feeling of presenting it to the whole world and it always being in the way, sticking out, hurting from tucking it away, but I lost interest in getting bottom surgery after realising it's not a decision between penis and vagina, but a decision between penis and an open wound you have to dilate every single day for the rest of your life so it doesn't grow shut... So I guess I just learned to deal with it because that thought scares me so much more...
Good news, this is actually not true!
A neovagina is not a perpetually open wound, and it's also not true that you have to dilate every single day for the rest of your life. While it is healing, the skin graft and stitches do have to heal and they can fuse together if you don't open the canal back up with dilation, but that's just temporary during the initial recovery.
I just had a penile inversion vaginoplasty and the surgeon and their team told me that it's my canal and I can do whatever I want, there is no obligation to dilate at all past the initial recovery, but if I wanted to maintain maximum width and depth I could dilate several times a week after the first year. They said it's not uncommon for people to not dilate at all, and for penetrative sex to replace the dilation. Sometimes width can be regained later, the vagina will not seal up completely and is flexible.
Here are the specific dilation instructions I was given:
Here's a helpful video covering the basics of a vaginoplasty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TDOtejnYWAU
The idea that the neovagina is a perpetually open wound that will seal up without daily dilation is misinformation shared by anti-trans activists, usually by TERFs. Instead the vagina is pretty much like a normal vagina in function an appearance, most people cannot tell the difference between a neovagina and a natal vagina. Gender-affirming vaginoplasties have some of the lowest regret rates of any surgery and are not only very safe, but have very positive clinical outcomes in increasing quality of life.
Well I don't know what to say now... Fell to the TERF propaganda...
how does the neo vagina feel for you? Is it better now?
That's OK, I lived most of my life not transitioning because of internalized TERF-like thinking (like that I would be appropriating women's suffering by transitioning to become a woman, that wearing makeup or women's clothes would be akin to betrayal to women by perpetuating sexist norms about femininity, or that I would never want to infringe on women's spaces, and so on).
It's only been six weeks since my surgery, so I have not yet fully recovered.
I actually had complications, some wound separation where some of the skin graft didn't take near the base of the vagina, so part of the skin sloughed off. Despite that, I highly recommend it so far.
When I first looked at the vagina after the surgery, in the hospital bed, I fully expected to feel regret - instead I was flooded with relief. I had no idea how much I had been holding onto shame about my genitals, and I just broke down crying from the relief. There have been a lot of positive moments since then, and so far I haven't even remotely felt regret even in the worst moments when I temporarily was told I couldn't dilate while in the hospital and I thought I might lose my canal.
Let me know if you have any questions or if you are curious about anything.
Reading stuff like this does make me kinda jealous. But I am definitely not ready or anywhere near taking even some steps towards bottom surgery (I am not even on HRT yet and it will take some time to get this).
That makes sense. When I first transitioned I was pretty sure I wouldn't get a vaginoplasty, I could settle and live without that - I knew I needed to get an orchiectomy though. I ended up getting both - I got an orchi first and it was very much worth it. Either way, my point is that things can change quickly, I used to be extremely jealous of anyone who could pass as woman-shaped ... now I pass all the time, well beyond what I thought was possible.
Transition is hard everywhere, but as far as I understand it, the challenges in Germany are similar to other places in Europe in terms of very long wait times for heavily gatekept public services. On the other side, at least there are public services accessible for people who otherwise would never afford it, and in the meantime DIY HRT is a possibility.
I'm in the U.S. and the situation here is both worse and better in some ways. I happened to get a good enough insurance plan to cover my vaginoplasty, and had the resources to cover other expenses. Most trans folks don't have that kind of financial situation, and even people privileged enough to have insurance are often denied gender affirming care (I actually was at first too, I had to change insurance entirely when I transitioned). Even with that situation, I still had to face gatekeeping: no gender-affirming procedures would be covered by insurance unless I had been on supervised HRT for at least one year. I also had to get multiple letters from psychologists, one of which had to be "independent" (in my case my hospital had a psychiatric unit that was able to serve this purpose).
Because it's private healthcare in the U.S., the wait times are much better than Europe's public options (more like 6 - 12 months rather than 5 - 10 years).
Honestly, you might look at saving money and trying to go to Thailand for vaginoplasty, that might be the realistic alternative to the public option if that's ever a financial possibility.
Either way, just keep working towards your goals steadily - you might be surprised where you end up. :-)