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I know nothing about IT and most of your comment went over my head, but this -

The moment, and I mean the first sign that she’s not 100% totally understanding what’s being discussed, she shuts down, gets dismissive and short, and refuses to hear anything further.

is a situation that I'm intimately familiar with. That's my mom. Me, I'm the autistic daughter that had to learn and develop her social skills on her own, in her adulthood years.

I have bad news. Despite nearly 37 years of knowing this type of person, I have not found any way that can consistently bypass their issues. Their reactions are built on how they feel, emotionally. Once that emotion is tied to an idea, they are stuck there until their feelings change.

For the dynamic between me and my mom, she's stuck in some old school thoughts (though she would deny it if told so.) Me, I'm a progressive weirdo living alternative lifestyles, and it started young. The idea of her kids making decisions she doesn't like makes her upset, but she doesn't acknowledge that. Instead, when she hears an idea she doesn't like (even if it's something we're excited about, like going to college), she goes silent and refuses to respond beyond little snippets of, "Stop it." Needless to say, such a response makes us feel terrible. That's why we've long since stopped sharing information with her. One of my brothers even got married without immediately telling her. Yeah, and she wonders why we don't call more often.

The good news is, there can be conditions to have things be understood. The bad news is, your relationship with her is a factor in having it go well. You'd also need time - my mom only softens up to ideas after a period of time had passed since she first learned of it. Sometimes it was weeks, sometimes it was months, but it seems she always needs a processing period to come around to things.

An important thing to note about such emotional thinkers is that the person giving them the information holds a lot of sway in how they receive that information. I've got a leg-up by being my mom's daughter, as that emotional attachment carries weight. For a boss, there's a lot more work to do... and I do not envy your situation.

Some people would recommend attempting to befriend the boss. But if you're like me, you know that's not going to happen. Even if you possessed the social skills to go that route, I imagine you'd find yourself exhausted by the effort in no time. I sure would. One of the reasons I dropped the idea of professional piloting was because I realized that in order to get a good job, you need to network with lots of (often rich or arrogant) people. I just plain don't have it in me to keep up such a charade.

Regardless, I've encountered the same behavior in bosses before as well. Unfortunately, I have not found any way to properly deal with them... short of going to their higher-ups or HR. Sometimes the higher-ups are as bad as the boss. Sometimes HR doesn't care. Sometimes somebody does care, but the bad boss targets you for having reported them. I've seen it all, I've worked under their thumbs, I've seen how rusty the gears are all the way up the machine.

Of note, I have learned that the phrase "hostile work environment" is more likely to get HR to stand up and act. This is a situation worth documenting. You might want to start taking note of the conversations, the specific words she uses, along with times and dates of when they occurred. Showing a pattern is important. It's also worth writing down the ways in which her behavior impacts your job performance.

As to dealing with immediate issues that need to be communicated to your boss, you might want to check your colleagues and see if any of them have better luck when talking to her. Although direct communication is usually the best option, it's possible your boss already has unclear negative feelings about you, and that's making it more difficult for her to listen to your words. (Sorry, bud.) Maybe having someone be the liaison between you would help her listen to the issues you're dealing with. I've had to do that before, and though it sucked to need another person to do the talking, at least some problems got taken care of.

Anyway, best of luck to you and your colleagues. I don't personally expect such a person to change, so I hope you find a way to wriggle out from under her irrational control.

Edit: Oh, and Merry Christmas to you, too!

Used to work with structural engineers. Ohhhh buddy the senior people were wild for that kinda crap.

We never teach these skills and then we threaten people with job loss for imperfection so most people are unequipped for the job and terrified of the consequences. Combine that with refusal to pay people in “lower” positions more than managers means that good people are promoted out of their area of expertise and into management which is just such a huge problem.

Society is fucking dumb.

A lot of techies have little communication skills, but even non techies can have bad and dysfunctional communication skills.

Good luck with it.

Hey man, fellow IT here. I think it's very fair that you're frustrated, that would tick me off to deal with. Unfortunately it sounds like this manager doesn't like to hear anything but "yes", "right away" and "everything worked perfectly". This is what I'd call a shitty project manager.

While there isn't a perfect solution, I find that abstracting delivery of the problems has helped with this kind of person in the past. That is to say that if they're going to get mad no matter how you convey it, don't convey it in person or directly if you can. Post in team channels, leave a memo, anything but target the PM in one on one. The social pressure to act like they understand sometimes stops the early onset dementia from being your problem to deal with. If you can't solve the problem after a good faith effort, embrace avoidance.

I hope this helps, even a little. Merry Christmas 🎄

I’ve finally run into a new, third problem: managers who get angry as soon as they’re confused, but refuse to learn basics. My project manager is a fucking nightmare to deal with. The moment, and I mean the first sign that she’s not 100% totally understanding what’s being discussed, she shuts down, gets dismissive and short, and refuses to hear anything further.

I don't work in IT and the rest of the story doesn't carry over, but I just left a boss behind who behaved exactly like that. Some sort of insecurity, probably about being in a leadership position in the first place.

I think it's dumb; if you've been thrown into the hierarchy sideways and want to become a good leader you need to listen to people even if it means eating some humble pie.

I’m not skilled socially. I’m annoying, I get that. But this is mad.

Yep, that's me, too.

That just sounds like a personnel issue. PM with pride issues that isnt technical but needs to facilitate technical discussions. Red flag.

that's exhausting. I've dealt with similar. it sucks and it drains you

I have the same manager. Its turned a nice comfy job into a job which I dread. I dont understand how these kinds of people get to these positions.